Dan Ariely shares some research on why we should try and respond to people's needs for physical contact.
I agree that this can help to improve relationships where physical contact is actually appropriate.
Some kids who suffer from SI or SPD - sensory processing disorder or integration crave for others to touch and hug them. . This calms them down and makes them more relaxed. . It must be noted that some kids don't like to be touched and often react in a negative way.
Looking at the big picture it seems that we all can benefit from a hug or even better a massage. A massage
increases the amount of oxytocin in the bloodstream, and makes us more trusting , it also decreases levels of the hormones cortisol (released during stress) and vasopressin (linked to aggression and cortisol release).
'The contact makes people feel secure and safe from harm.
Being physically touched, whether with a kneading massage or a comforting pat on the shoulder, seems to encourages cooperative behavior.
So maybe we should spend more time cuddling up with our kids and having turns to give each other massages.
http://danariely.com/2010/10/15/looking-for-a-massage-%e2%80%a6/
Allan
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Plan B in school - Running in the hallway
Here is an example of collaborative problem solving in school from a teacher - 2009 Thinkids educators blog
I rounded it off with a quote from Alfie Kohn and the kid ' dealing with the past ', acting in an autonomous way and engaging in the moral act of restitution
When working together with students to solve the problems we’re having with them at school, the mantra of “be prepared for surprises” is certainly worth remembering. Last week when working with an elementary school implementing our approach, there were two great examples of this. We’ll share one now and one next week too!
Here’s the situation: a 2nd grader had been running through the halls of the school like wild and recently caused a major accident when we ran into a staff member wheeling a projector down the hall. While his teacher could’ve used a consequence to teach him a lesson (“its not OK to run in the halls!”), she let us sit in on her attempt at proactive problem solving with her. Here’s how it went:
Teacher: I know you know we’ve been concerned about your running in the halls here at school, right?
Student: Yup. I’m sorry.
Teacher: Don’t worry. You’re not in trouble. I just want to understand why you think you are running in the halls because I know we’ve told you tons of times not to! Why do you think you do it?
Student: I don’t want to be late.
Teacher: You don’t want to be late. Hmmm. Late for what?
Student: Breakfast.
Teacher: Why not?
Student: They always run out of the hot breakfast, and I like the egg sandwiches.
Teacher: Wow. And I thought you were just running because you thought it was fun! But you don’t want to miss out on the hot breakfast. I guess now that you say it, I have noticed that most of the complaints about you running in the hall are first thing in the morning. I guess the thing I’m worried about is someone getting hurt, like you or another student or a teacher. Does that make sense?
Student nods.
Teacher: So I wonder if there is anything we can do to make sure you don’t miss out on the hot food but still are safe – so you aren’t running through the halls? Do you have any ideas?
Student: They could save me one so I don’t have to run.
Teacher: That’s an idea. We could ask the breakfast folks if they could save you one. Do you think that would work?
Student: Yup.
Teacher: Well, let’s try it.
We never would’ve predicted that the reason the kid was running was through the halls like a lot out of hell was that he didn’t want to miss the egg sandwich. But once his teacher knew that it was a lot easier to have compassion for him and to think about ways to solve the problem. This is why its crucial not to do “drive-by empathy” or assume you know what the child’s concern or perspective is. Be open-minded and curious, like a detective. Gather information. You’ll find your surprised sometimes but those surprises will make everyone’s life easier once you know about them.
Now that we have come up with a mutually agreed solution that sounds realistic and doable and agreed to review how the plan is working we have essentially created for the kid, a vision for the future, there has been learning, his self esteem is not only intact but he feels good about himself, also his relationship with the teacher has improved as he sees her as a help and somebody who understands him, somebody who cares about him , even if he 'screws ' up. The stage is set for dealing with the past.
From Unconditional Teaching article – Alfie Kohn
'In an illuminating passage from her recent book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson explained that a teacher can make it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing “a very deep kind of reassurance – the reassurance that she still care[s] about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they do] something very bad.” This posture allows “their best motives to surface,” thus giving “space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong. “If we want our students to trust that we care for them,” she concludes, “then we need to display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. It’s not that we don’t want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it.”'
Teacher: We still have the problem of the broken projector .
Student: Maybe I could do some odd jobs for the school.
Teacher: Can you think of anything else you could do ?
Student: I could write a letter apologizing for damaging the projector and being unsafe in the hallway. I could also do some babysitting or use some of my allowance to pay for some of the damage.
I rounded it off with a quote from Alfie Kohn and the kid ' dealing with the past ', acting in an autonomous way and engaging in the moral act of restitution
When working together with students to solve the problems we’re having with them at school, the mantra of “be prepared for surprises” is certainly worth remembering. Last week when working with an elementary school implementing our approach, there were two great examples of this. We’ll share one now and one next week too!
Here’s the situation: a 2nd grader had been running through the halls of the school like wild and recently caused a major accident when we ran into a staff member wheeling a projector down the hall. While his teacher could’ve used a consequence to teach him a lesson (“its not OK to run in the halls!”), she let us sit in on her attempt at proactive problem solving with her. Here’s how it went:
Teacher: I know you know we’ve been concerned about your running in the halls here at school, right?
Student: Yup. I’m sorry.
Teacher: Don’t worry. You’re not in trouble. I just want to understand why you think you are running in the halls because I know we’ve told you tons of times not to! Why do you think you do it?
Student: I don’t want to be late.
Teacher: You don’t want to be late. Hmmm. Late for what?
Student: Breakfast.
Teacher: Why not?
Student: They always run out of the hot breakfast, and I like the egg sandwiches.
Teacher: Wow. And I thought you were just running because you thought it was fun! But you don’t want to miss out on the hot breakfast. I guess now that you say it, I have noticed that most of the complaints about you running in the hall are first thing in the morning. I guess the thing I’m worried about is someone getting hurt, like you or another student or a teacher. Does that make sense?
Student nods.
Teacher: So I wonder if there is anything we can do to make sure you don’t miss out on the hot food but still are safe – so you aren’t running through the halls? Do you have any ideas?
Student: They could save me one so I don’t have to run.
Teacher: That’s an idea. We could ask the breakfast folks if they could save you one. Do you think that would work?
Student: Yup.
Teacher: Well, let’s try it.
We never would’ve predicted that the reason the kid was running was through the halls like a lot out of hell was that he didn’t want to miss the egg sandwich. But once his teacher knew that it was a lot easier to have compassion for him and to think about ways to solve the problem. This is why its crucial not to do “drive-by empathy” or assume you know what the child’s concern or perspective is. Be open-minded and curious, like a detective. Gather information. You’ll find your surprised sometimes but those surprises will make everyone’s life easier once you know about them.
Now that we have come up with a mutually agreed solution that sounds realistic and doable and agreed to review how the plan is working we have essentially created for the kid, a vision for the future, there has been learning, his self esteem is not only intact but he feels good about himself, also his relationship with the teacher has improved as he sees her as a help and somebody who understands him, somebody who cares about him , even if he 'screws ' up. The stage is set for dealing with the past.
From Unconditional Teaching article – Alfie Kohn
'In an illuminating passage from her recent book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson explained that a teacher can make it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing “a very deep kind of reassurance – the reassurance that she still care[s] about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they do] something very bad.” This posture allows “their best motives to surface,” thus giving “space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong. “If we want our students to trust that we care for them,” she concludes, “then we need to display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. It’s not that we don’t want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it.”'
Teacher: We still have the problem of the broken projector .
Student: Maybe I could do some odd jobs for the school.
Teacher: Can you think of anything else you could do ?
Student: I could write a letter apologizing for damaging the projector and being unsafe in the hallway. I could also do some babysitting or use some of my allowance to pay for some of the damage.
Welcome to Holland or is it Berut ? / negative thoughts
There has been quite a lot of negative reaction to the essay ' Welcome to Holland ' by parents of challenging children especially on the autistic spectrum. Life for them is more about ' Welcome to Beirut than Welcome to Holland.
The essay , Welcome to Holland was written by a mom of a down syndrome child. For kids with behavior challenges - Beirut and the chaos might be more closer to reality , but with challenging kids I think there is also more hope and possibilities of learning and growth so they do become responsible and caring adults , not so with down syndrome . Down syndrome kids will always live in Holland , but parents of challenging kids want to equip them with the skills so they can live independently in Italy. However , reliance on ABA is not going to get autistic children very far on the journey , because the approach teaches skills they way we teach dogs tricks.
Beirut has great potential . I think they call Beirut the Paris of the middle east but problems between members of the Lebanese family does not give much hope over there. When there was internal peace , Beirut was amazing.
Ultimately being positive and seeing the positive will depend on the color of the lenses we wear and what picture we paint of the world. You also have to see that you have started your journey and are moving in the right direction towards Italy.
It is tough , but often it is one of the parents who has to create ' the joy of life in the home , the music, the dance , the hope - despite our kids we should be coping better .
This is pretty important especially if you are trying to ' work with the child ' rather than using tough love , consequences etc . A lot of moms get blamed by not being firm enough and letting kids manipulate them , that they are too soft. The dhs - dear husbands then look for the quick fixes that will teach the kid an everlasting lesson. Moms realize that trying to break a kid into submission will just lead to more conflict and chaos . If you want to convince your dh otherwise , one needs to cope better and believe in the path you are travelling , no matter how slow the progress , but when you are stressing out , dh will see this as a sign to do something different
Welcome to Holland
http://www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/holland.htm
"Holland Schmolland"
http://www.autism-help.org/story-holland-schmolland.htm
Allan
The essay , Welcome to Holland was written by a mom of a down syndrome child. For kids with behavior challenges - Beirut and the chaos might be more closer to reality , but with challenging kids I think there is also more hope and possibilities of learning and growth so they do become responsible and caring adults , not so with down syndrome . Down syndrome kids will always live in Holland , but parents of challenging kids want to equip them with the skills so they can live independently in Italy. However , reliance on ABA is not going to get autistic children very far on the journey , because the approach teaches skills they way we teach dogs tricks.
Beirut has great potential . I think they call Beirut the Paris of the middle east but problems between members of the Lebanese family does not give much hope over there. When there was internal peace , Beirut was amazing.
Ultimately being positive and seeing the positive will depend on the color of the lenses we wear and what picture we paint of the world. You also have to see that you have started your journey and are moving in the right direction towards Italy.
It is tough , but often it is one of the parents who has to create ' the joy of life in the home , the music, the dance , the hope - despite our kids we should be coping better .
This is pretty important especially if you are trying to ' work with the child ' rather than using tough love , consequences etc . A lot of moms get blamed by not being firm enough and letting kids manipulate them , that they are too soft. The dhs - dear husbands then look for the quick fixes that will teach the kid an everlasting lesson. Moms realize that trying to break a kid into submission will just lead to more conflict and chaos . If you want to convince your dh otherwise , one needs to cope better and believe in the path you are travelling , no matter how slow the progress , but when you are stressing out , dh will see this as a sign to do something different
Welcome to Holland
http://www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/holland.htm
Welcome to Beirut poem
http://www.bbbautism.com/beginners_beirut.htm
http://www.autism-help.org/story-holland-schmolland.htm
Allan
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Negative thoughts - Byron Katie/ Welcome to Holland
Parenting any child has its challenges. But we, as parents tend to make matters worse.
We have expectations of our children to be better than the average and when they don't perform or misbehave we struggle to accept who they are. Our minds get filled with negative thoughts and we say to ourselves – he should not hit his brother , he should be respectful towards me , he should do his homework , he should ….. , he should not ……
Byron Katie http://www.thework.com/index.php
says that we should not try to fight reality. We should accept reality. This has a liberating effect on us and frees us from all the negative thoughts that are getting in our way. This then opens up the possibility for us to deal with problems and engage people in a happy, positive and creative way.
But what if your child has special needs, has a list of labels after his name and your marriage and family life is stressed out because of your child , what then? . His siblings are angry at him and you because you need to give their brother extra attention and don't treat them the same. You can no longer go out and enjoy yourselves as a family. You and your son are continually being judged by outsiders and you are continually getting advice that you are not consistent and firm enough with him. Your husband thinks you are too soft and that your kid is manipulating you. Everyday getting your kid to school is battle and you spend your day at work waiting for a call from his teacher to come and take him home, because he is out of control etc etc , what then ?
The situation is a tough one, but why make it tougher by letting so many negative thoughts get to us.
I think it is important to first say a word about diagnoses. For many parents a diagnosis maybe comforting , that they are not to blame and they have a reason for their child's difficulties. But very soon they discover that dx's don't tell us much and all we have done is labeled and pathologized the child. We are now in a fixed mindset and stuck with the label. Instead of having a child with difficulties, we now have a difficult child. It is much better to get an understanding of the child's lacking skills and work on them by tackling unsolved problems in a collaborative way. We are now have a growth mindset , we are work-in-progress and change becomes a real possibility.
Imho the way to go is (a) - deal with the negative thoughts by ' doing the work' , -
(b) - Try to see and enjoy the positive moments of parenting a challenging kid.
(C) Avoid thinking about you as an object , or focus on the self , instead see yourself as a process or work-in-progress, focus on living
(a) - deal with the negative thoughts by ' doing the work' , -
answering the 4 questions and then turn it around. When we deal with negative thoughts we become free and self determined enabling us to feel that we can direct our lives and experience autonomy.
Inquiry: The Four Questions and Turnaround
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
and
Turn it around, then find at least three genuine, specific examples of how the turnaround is true in your life.
Here is a link to a summary of Katie Byron's ' the work '
http://www.thework.com/downloads/little_book/English_LB.pdf
here is a mp3 15 min audio of Katie Byron doing the work with a dad who is angry with God because he has a special needs kid.
I heard the following ' turn around 'from a single mom of 2 challenging kids – Instead of I feeling angry with God , I feel honored by God in that he has chosen me to raise these special children.
http://www.byronkatie.com/2008/10/audio_i_angry_at_god_because_i.htm
This reminds me of the mom who was told by her priest that God gives people only those challenges that they can handle. She replied – I wish that God would not have such a high opinion of me.
My take is that God gives challenges that communities or if necessary the global village can handle. There is an African saying – that it takes a whole village to raise a single child, how much more so when raising a challenging kid. Parents need a supportive community, or at least a cyber community. This provides ' relatedness ' , another important psychological need which will help us cope better.
(b) Try to see and enjoy the positive moments of parenting a challenging kid.
Here is a inspirational essay called ' Welcome to Holland ' , also a you tube version
http://www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/holland.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tehcysu03EI
(C) Avoid thinking about you as an object , or focus on the self , instead see yourself as a process or work-in-progress, focus on living. When a poor person has a plan to get rich and is living his plan , he feels rich already. The same goes with parenting. If we are using Collaborative problem solving and got support , we cope so much better and we give our kids the support they need. We have hope because we are on our journey . Even if there are bumps in the road , we are at least moving in the right direction. The process also involves finding the time or even moments to nurture ourselves and enjoy .
It is not easy , - education is a process.
Allan
We have expectations of our children to be better than the average and when they don't perform or misbehave we struggle to accept who they are. Our minds get filled with negative thoughts and we say to ourselves – he should not hit his brother , he should be respectful towards me , he should do his homework , he should ….. , he should not ……
Byron Katie http://www.thework.com/index.php
says that we should not try to fight reality. We should accept reality. This has a liberating effect on us and frees us from all the negative thoughts that are getting in our way. This then opens up the possibility for us to deal with problems and engage people in a happy, positive and creative way.
But what if your child has special needs, has a list of labels after his name and your marriage and family life is stressed out because of your child , what then? . His siblings are angry at him and you because you need to give their brother extra attention and don't treat them the same. You can no longer go out and enjoy yourselves as a family. You and your son are continually being judged by outsiders and you are continually getting advice that you are not consistent and firm enough with him. Your husband thinks you are too soft and that your kid is manipulating you. Everyday getting your kid to school is battle and you spend your day at work waiting for a call from his teacher to come and take him home, because he is out of control etc etc , what then ?
The situation is a tough one, but why make it tougher by letting so many negative thoughts get to us.
I think it is important to first say a word about diagnoses. For many parents a diagnosis maybe comforting , that they are not to blame and they have a reason for their child's difficulties. But very soon they discover that dx's don't tell us much and all we have done is labeled and pathologized the child. We are now in a fixed mindset and stuck with the label. Instead of having a child with difficulties, we now have a difficult child. It is much better to get an understanding of the child's lacking skills and work on them by tackling unsolved problems in a collaborative way. We are now have a growth mindset , we are work-in-progress and change becomes a real possibility.
Imho the way to go is (a) - deal with the negative thoughts by ' doing the work' , -
(b) - Try to see and enjoy the positive moments of parenting a challenging kid.
(C) Avoid thinking about you as an object , or focus on the self , instead see yourself as a process or work-in-progress, focus on living
(a) - deal with the negative thoughts by ' doing the work' , -
answering the 4 questions and then turn it around. When we deal with negative thoughts we become free and self determined enabling us to feel that we can direct our lives and experience autonomy.
Inquiry: The Four Questions and Turnaround
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
and
Turn it around, then find at least three genuine, specific examples of how the turnaround is true in your life.
Here is a link to a summary of Katie Byron's ' the work '
http://www.thework.com/downloads/little_book/English_LB.pdf
here is a mp3 15 min audio of Katie Byron doing the work with a dad who is angry with God because he has a special needs kid.
I heard the following ' turn around 'from a single mom of 2 challenging kids – Instead of I feeling angry with God , I feel honored by God in that he has chosen me to raise these special children.
http://www.byronkatie.com/2008/10/audio_i_angry_at_god_because_i.htm
This reminds me of the mom who was told by her priest that God gives people only those challenges that they can handle. She replied – I wish that God would not have such a high opinion of me.
My take is that God gives challenges that communities or if necessary the global village can handle. There is an African saying – that it takes a whole village to raise a single child, how much more so when raising a challenging kid. Parents need a supportive community, or at least a cyber community. This provides ' relatedness ' , another important psychological need which will help us cope better.
(b) Try to see and enjoy the positive moments of parenting a challenging kid.
Here is a inspirational essay called ' Welcome to Holland ' , also a you tube version
http://www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/holland.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tehcysu03EI
(C) Avoid thinking about you as an object , or focus on the self , instead see yourself as a process or work-in-progress, focus on living. When a poor person has a plan to get rich and is living his plan , he feels rich already. The same goes with parenting. If we are using Collaborative problem solving and got support , we cope so much better and we give our kids the support they need. We have hope because we are on our journey . Even if there are bumps in the road , we are at least moving in the right direction. The process also involves finding the time or even moments to nurture ourselves and enjoy .
It is not easy , - education is a process.
Allan
Monday, October 11, 2010
Kids perceptions / Choice - selection or construction SDT and CPS
Parenting imho should be concerned with the kid's perceptions. I often remind myself and others that we are dealing with their perceptions and not their behaviors. We need to try and see their world through their eyes. Kids can make meaning of what we do to them and how we respond. ' It is not what we teach them , that matters but what they learn ' - Alfie Kohn. Often when we think that they need to be taught a certain lesson that their behaviors are unacceptable, they learn another lesson , - their mistake is being caught and their perception that parents or adults are unfair is reinforced.
But kid's perceptions can be exploited to support more controlling types of parenting especially in certain cultural settings. See the appendix Unconditional parenting by Alfie Kohn
If we place importance on children's perceptions without relating to what kids objectively need for their development , kids will not be receive the kind of parenting and teaching they deserve, an education which will promote academic, socio-moral and emotional development .
Some kids may be less adversely affected by physical punishment because they perceive it as parental concern and love. But the question is even if a child could reconcile acts of aggression ( even without anger ) as a act of love and attention is it a good thing for kids to learn that love can be expressed through violence?
How do kids come to perceive violence as an act of love. When physical punishment is the only alternative to indifference kids learn to take what they can get. The same can be said about praise. If conditional acceptance is the only possibility, kids will drink it in and even say that they wish they'd gotten more. And when researchers ask these kids about how their parents treated them or if their parents loved them or they felt loved unconditionally they will give positive answers. They would see parental control and punishment as supporting the need of relatedness.
According to SDT , Self Determined Theory rewards would have a positive effect on perceived competence and hence intrinsic motivation if we could neutralize the controlling nature of rewards. If kids perceived competence means that kids see themselves , the self as an object as ' smart ' or A students they are likely to avoid challenges , seek out easy tasks and be less engaged in learning indicating a adverse effect on intrinsic motivation.
What about kids' perceptions of autonomy. Now most parents and kids don't know what the word means , maybe something to do with independence. ' To be self determined is to endorse one's actions at the highest level of reflection. When self determined people experience a sense to do what is interesting , personally important and vitalizing.' - Deci and Ryan. It is about being connected to your inner core , being reflective and experiencing a sense of freedom.
Now many parenting books recommend giving kids choices as a strategy to get kids to do want you want. So good advice would be to first connect with your kid and then ask him whether he wants to eat now fish , meat or salads. We want the kid to come to the table and eat his supper , he will want to exercise choice so he will choose ' meat' and come to the table. This seems to be the middle of the road type of parenting or authoritative parenting. The permissive parent will ask if the kid wants to eat supper , the authoritarian parent will order the kid to come to table to eat supper and to eat what is put on his plate.
There is a different way – CPS collaborative problem solving. Kids are encourage to participate in planning and problem solving by ' generating choices ' . In this way they express their autonomy and relatedness by addressing both concerns – theirs and parents when they attempt to find mutual satisfactory solutions.
When parents offer choices and it does not matter if the choice is between 2 or 20 options , it is still Plan A , it is still the adult plan , do it my way and my way is A, B, or C , choose one of them. Allowing a kid to do what ever he chooses Plan C does not necessarily mean that the kid's choice is made at the highest level of reflection. Plan B is where reflection and expression of autonomy and relatedness takes place.
With Plan A the kid is choosing from choices the parent or teacher has generated. With Plan B kids are the origins of their choices , they are the ones who generate choices.
Alfie Kohn makes this point in his article ' how to create non-readers'
http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/nonreaders.htm
Supporting their autonomy isn’t just about having them pick this over that. “The experience of self-determination is not something that can be given to the student through the presentation of an array of teacher-determined options (e.g., ‘Here are six books; which do you want to read today?’)”[9]. I think there are two insights here.
The first is that deeper learning and enthusiasm require us to let students generate possibilities rather than just choosing items from our menu; construction is more important than selection.
The second is that what we really need to offer is “autonomy support,” an idea that’s psychological, not just pedagogical. It’s derived from a branch of psychology called self-determination theory, founded by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, among others. To support students’ autonomy is to meet their need to be in control of their own lives, to offer opportunities to decide along with the necessary guidance and encouragement, to “minimiz[e] the salience of evaluative pressure and any sense of coercion in the classroom” and “maximiz[e] students’ perceptions of having a voice and choice.”[10]
A kid may have a perceived sense of autonomy when he is able to ' select ' a choice from options given by his parent or teacher , especially when he has been accustomed to have been given absolutely no choice in the past. I doubt whether the selection/choice is accompanied by an endorsement of one's actions at the highest level of reflection.
Kids will not be receive the kind of parenting and teaching they deserve , an education which will promote academic, socio-moral and emotional development if we rely only on their perceptions of autonomy , competence and relatedness.
Allan
But kid's perceptions can be exploited to support more controlling types of parenting especially in certain cultural settings. See the appendix Unconditional parenting by Alfie Kohn
If we place importance on children's perceptions without relating to what kids objectively need for their development , kids will not be receive the kind of parenting and teaching they deserve, an education which will promote academic, socio-moral and emotional development .
Some kids may be less adversely affected by physical punishment because they perceive it as parental concern and love. But the question is even if a child could reconcile acts of aggression ( even without anger ) as a act of love and attention is it a good thing for kids to learn that love can be expressed through violence?
How do kids come to perceive violence as an act of love. When physical punishment is the only alternative to indifference kids learn to take what they can get. The same can be said about praise. If conditional acceptance is the only possibility, kids will drink it in and even say that they wish they'd gotten more. And when researchers ask these kids about how their parents treated them or if their parents loved them or they felt loved unconditionally they will give positive answers. They would see parental control and punishment as supporting the need of relatedness.
According to SDT , Self Determined Theory rewards would have a positive effect on perceived competence and hence intrinsic motivation if we could neutralize the controlling nature of rewards. If kids perceived competence means that kids see themselves , the self as an object as ' smart ' or A students they are likely to avoid challenges , seek out easy tasks and be less engaged in learning indicating a adverse effect on intrinsic motivation.
What about kids' perceptions of autonomy. Now most parents and kids don't know what the word means , maybe something to do with independence. ' To be self determined is to endorse one's actions at the highest level of reflection. When self determined people experience a sense to do what is interesting , personally important and vitalizing.' - Deci and Ryan. It is about being connected to your inner core , being reflective and experiencing a sense of freedom.
Now many parenting books recommend giving kids choices as a strategy to get kids to do want you want. So good advice would be to first connect with your kid and then ask him whether he wants to eat now fish , meat or salads. We want the kid to come to the table and eat his supper , he will want to exercise choice so he will choose ' meat' and come to the table. This seems to be the middle of the road type of parenting or authoritative parenting. The permissive parent will ask if the kid wants to eat supper , the authoritarian parent will order the kid to come to table to eat supper and to eat what is put on his plate.
There is a different way – CPS collaborative problem solving. Kids are encourage to participate in planning and problem solving by ' generating choices ' . In this way they express their autonomy and relatedness by addressing both concerns – theirs and parents when they attempt to find mutual satisfactory solutions.
When parents offer choices and it does not matter if the choice is between 2 or 20 options , it is still Plan A , it is still the adult plan , do it my way and my way is A, B, or C , choose one of them. Allowing a kid to do what ever he chooses Plan C does not necessarily mean that the kid's choice is made at the highest level of reflection. Plan B is where reflection and expression of autonomy and relatedness takes place.
With Plan A the kid is choosing from choices the parent or teacher has generated. With Plan B kids are the origins of their choices , they are the ones who generate choices.
Alfie Kohn makes this point in his article ' how to create non-readers'
http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/nonreaders.htm
Supporting their autonomy isn’t just about having them pick this over that. “The experience of self-determination is not something that can be given to the student through the presentation of an array of teacher-determined options (e.g., ‘Here are six books; which do you want to read today?’)”[9]. I think there are two insights here.
The first is that deeper learning and enthusiasm require us to let students generate possibilities rather than just choosing items from our menu; construction is more important than selection.
The second is that what we really need to offer is “autonomy support,” an idea that’s psychological, not just pedagogical. It’s derived from a branch of psychology called self-determination theory, founded by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, among others. To support students’ autonomy is to meet their need to be in control of their own lives, to offer opportunities to decide along with the necessary guidance and encouragement, to “minimiz[e] the salience of evaluative pressure and any sense of coercion in the classroom” and “maximiz[e] students’ perceptions of having a voice and choice.”[10]
A kid may have a perceived sense of autonomy when he is able to ' select ' a choice from options given by his parent or teacher , especially when he has been accustomed to have been given absolutely no choice in the past. I doubt whether the selection/choice is accompanied by an endorsement of one's actions at the highest level of reflection.
Kids will not be receive the kind of parenting and teaching they deserve , an education which will promote academic, socio-moral and emotional development if we rely only on their perceptions of autonomy , competence and relatedness.
Allan
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Rewards - CPS , SDT - Part 2
In my blog on using rewards together with CPS – collaborative problem solving I suggested that we should try use rewards not as incentives but to give the activity an association of fun.
In the article below Deci and Ryan prove without a doubt from a meta-analysis that extrinsic motivators like rewards undermine intrinsic motivation.
http://www.psych.rochester.edu/SDT/documents/2001_DeciKoestnerRyan.pdf ( 1-5/15 )
The negative effect of the rewards was minimized when rewards were not given in a 'controlling manner ' but rather as ' informational feedback 'and the rewards were task-non-contingent. The controlling aspect not only has a negative effect on perceived self determination but also on relatedness - relationships.
'Deci and Ryan specified three types of reward contingencies: task-noncontingent rewards, which do not require engaging in the activity per se but are instead given for some other reasons
such as simply participating in the experiment; task-contingent rewards, which require doing or completing the target activity; and performance - contingent rewards, which require performing the activity well, matching a standard of excellence, or surpassing
a specified criterion (e.g., doing better than half of the oilier participants).'
'To. summarize, results of the meta-analysis make clear that the undermining of intrinsic motivation by tangible rewards is indeed a significant issue. Whereas verbal rewards tended to enhance intrinsic motivation (although not for children and not when the rewards were given controllingly) and neither unexpected tangible rewards nor task-non contingent tangible rewards affected intrinsic motivation,
expected tangible rewards did significantly and substantially undermine intrinsic motivation, and this effect was quite robust. Furthermore, the undermining was especially strong for children. '
I will relate to verbal rewards in a future blog. In a sentence , if verbal rewards take the form of neutral informational feedback or helping a person self evaluate , assess and reflect , intrinsic motivation is likely to be enhanced.
Rewards are attractive as they are powerful motivators in the short – run. They get you obedience and compliance. If tasks are manual and don't require thinking, rewards get the job done quicker. For parents ( not of challenging children ) a reward or a threat can get the job done. The problem is the long term costs especially in the areas of intrinsic motivation, relatedness and competence.
The article says that rewards have a positive effect on perceived competence and would promote intrinsic motivation . The effect is lost because of the controlling nature of rewards and the negative effect on perceived self determination.
From other articles on the SDT site , Alfie Kohn etc I would suggest that the positive effect on perceived competence would not contribute to intrinsic motivation because the rewards enhance perceived competence not as a PROCESS , but the SELF as an object . Rewards enhance a 'fixed mindset ' rather than a ' growth mindset '. People who have a fixed mindset , that they are smart or competent will avoid challenging or difficult tasks and focus on sustaining their 'image' , rather than being involved in learning or other forms of creativity. They are less likely to engage in the activity in the future.
I received 2 interesting comments ( one PM )
I talked about a kid using extrinsic motivation when it is self determined to help him cope with time- on- task, practicing piano. A mom wrote that the hour of practice seemed an eternity to my child.
' I decided that if my son could put that hour into perspective, he might not feel overwhelmed by "an hour". I created a large pie chart -- larger the better so that you can "emphasize" the small slice -- and divided it into one hour slices. We colored in the sleeping hours, school hours, homework time, practice time, and free time. When he saw how much free time he would have if he efficiently tackled the "must dos", the homework and practice didn't seem so overwhelming. The slices were a small part of his day. '
The mom dealt with the issue by really understanding the concerns of her child and problem solving. The collaborative problem solving approach holds that most kids are already intrinsically motivated to do well, kids would prefer to do well, so if they are having trouble the problem is not motivational. The problem is more likely to be one of lagging skills, competence, the child's concerns are not being addressed and he is feeling controlled and coerced.
I think SDT says the same thing. Kids , people are intrinsically motivated to do well , and when they are struggling , the things that are getting in the way are usually competence , lack of relatedness, and lack of autonomy. People are not lacking the motivation. The traditional way of understanding all problems is to attribute it to the fact that the kid is lacking motivation , if he wants to do well , he would do well . CPS holds , and I think it is true of SDT , people do well if they can , not if they want to.
Nicolas Connault wrote ' I'm not sure that trying to achieve intrinsic motivation for ALL desirable behaviors is a realistic goal. Children find it easier to be intrinsically motivated, but I don't think it's possible to be intrinsically motivated to do everything we do as adults. '
I agree that many activities are not intrinsically motivating but at least we should aspire to be competent , the activity is self determined and autonomous , we should experience ' relatedness ' to those we interact with , and the natural outcomes are important and desirable.
Alfie Kohn –in ' Punished by Rewards ' makes 6 recommendations on how to minimize the damage of rewards.
1 Get rewards out of people's faces
- reduce the salience of rewards, make them less conspicuous, give them out privately, and avoid making a big fuss.
2 Offer rewards after the fact , as a surprise.
This helps blur the connection between previous behavior and the reward . The downside is people begin to expect rewards in the future and this will impact on intrinsic motivation.
3 Never turn the quest for rewards into a contest by limiting them artificially.
Competition and rivalry have negative effects relatedness, competence and autonomy .
4 Make rewards as similar as possible to the task.
– so endogenous rewards , for eg giving kids books, trips etc that deal with the task and thereby reduce the gap between what kids are doing and what they are getting for it.
5 Give people as much choice as possible about how rewards are used
- They can participate in the evaluation process of what has been done and how and to whom rewards should be given. Care should be taken that rewards remain something ' by the way ' , not salient and given without a fuss.
6 Try to immunize individuals against the motivation-killing effects of rewards
- By focusing and emphasizing the intrinsic value of what is being done.
I would add -
Show people how to use self- determined rewards to help them achieve their goals or keep on task.
Show people that many tasks may not be intrinsically rewarding but are more valued when done in an autonomous way and the natural outcomes are desirable.
Focus less on motivation , but more on autonomy, competence and relatedness.
Allan
In the article below Deci and Ryan prove without a doubt from a meta-analysis that extrinsic motivators like rewards undermine intrinsic motivation.
http://www.psych.rochester.edu/SDT/documents/2001_DeciKoestnerRyan.pdf ( 1-5/15 )
The negative effect of the rewards was minimized when rewards were not given in a 'controlling manner ' but rather as ' informational feedback 'and the rewards were task-non-contingent. The controlling aspect not only has a negative effect on perceived self determination but also on relatedness - relationships.
'Deci and Ryan specified three types of reward contingencies: task-noncontingent rewards, which do not require engaging in the activity per se but are instead given for some other reasons
such as simply participating in the experiment; task-contingent rewards, which require doing or completing the target activity; and performance - contingent rewards, which require performing the activity well, matching a standard of excellence, or surpassing
a specified criterion (e.g., doing better than half of the oilier participants).'
'To. summarize, results of the meta-analysis make clear that the undermining of intrinsic motivation by tangible rewards is indeed a significant issue. Whereas verbal rewards tended to enhance intrinsic motivation (although not for children and not when the rewards were given controllingly) and neither unexpected tangible rewards nor task-non contingent tangible rewards affected intrinsic motivation,
expected tangible rewards did significantly and substantially undermine intrinsic motivation, and this effect was quite robust. Furthermore, the undermining was especially strong for children. '
I will relate to verbal rewards in a future blog. In a sentence , if verbal rewards take the form of neutral informational feedback or helping a person self evaluate , assess and reflect , intrinsic motivation is likely to be enhanced.
Rewards are attractive as they are powerful motivators in the short – run. They get you obedience and compliance. If tasks are manual and don't require thinking, rewards get the job done quicker. For parents ( not of challenging children ) a reward or a threat can get the job done. The problem is the long term costs especially in the areas of intrinsic motivation, relatedness and competence.
The article says that rewards have a positive effect on perceived competence and would promote intrinsic motivation . The effect is lost because of the controlling nature of rewards and the negative effect on perceived self determination.
From other articles on the SDT site , Alfie Kohn etc I would suggest that the positive effect on perceived competence would not contribute to intrinsic motivation because the rewards enhance perceived competence not as a PROCESS , but the SELF as an object . Rewards enhance a 'fixed mindset ' rather than a ' growth mindset '. People who have a fixed mindset , that they are smart or competent will avoid challenging or difficult tasks and focus on sustaining their 'image' , rather than being involved in learning or other forms of creativity. They are less likely to engage in the activity in the future.
I received 2 interesting comments ( one PM )
I talked about a kid using extrinsic motivation when it is self determined to help him cope with time- on- task, practicing piano. A mom wrote that the hour of practice seemed an eternity to my child.
' I decided that if my son could put that hour into perspective, he might not feel overwhelmed by "an hour". I created a large pie chart -- larger the better so that you can "emphasize" the small slice -- and divided it into one hour slices. We colored in the sleeping hours, school hours, homework time, practice time, and free time. When he saw how much free time he would have if he efficiently tackled the "must dos", the homework and practice didn't seem so overwhelming. The slices were a small part of his day. '
The mom dealt with the issue by really understanding the concerns of her child and problem solving. The collaborative problem solving approach holds that most kids are already intrinsically motivated to do well, kids would prefer to do well, so if they are having trouble the problem is not motivational. The problem is more likely to be one of lagging skills, competence, the child's concerns are not being addressed and he is feeling controlled and coerced.
I think SDT says the same thing. Kids , people are intrinsically motivated to do well , and when they are struggling , the things that are getting in the way are usually competence , lack of relatedness, and lack of autonomy. People are not lacking the motivation. The traditional way of understanding all problems is to attribute it to the fact that the kid is lacking motivation , if he wants to do well , he would do well . CPS holds , and I think it is true of SDT , people do well if they can , not if they want to.
Nicolas Connault wrote ' I'm not sure that trying to achieve intrinsic motivation for ALL desirable behaviors is a realistic goal. Children find it easier to be intrinsically motivated, but I don't think it's possible to be intrinsically motivated to do everything we do as adults. '
I agree that many activities are not intrinsically motivating but at least we should aspire to be competent , the activity is self determined and autonomous , we should experience ' relatedness ' to those we interact with , and the natural outcomes are important and desirable.
Alfie Kohn –in ' Punished by Rewards ' makes 6 recommendations on how to minimize the damage of rewards.
1 Get rewards out of people's faces
- reduce the salience of rewards, make them less conspicuous, give them out privately, and avoid making a big fuss.
2 Offer rewards after the fact , as a surprise.
This helps blur the connection between previous behavior and the reward . The downside is people begin to expect rewards in the future and this will impact on intrinsic motivation.
3 Never turn the quest for rewards into a contest by limiting them artificially.
Competition and rivalry have negative effects relatedness, competence and autonomy .
4 Make rewards as similar as possible to the task.
– so endogenous rewards , for eg giving kids books, trips etc that deal with the task and thereby reduce the gap between what kids are doing and what they are getting for it.
5 Give people as much choice as possible about how rewards are used
- They can participate in the evaluation process of what has been done and how and to whom rewards should be given. Care should be taken that rewards remain something ' by the way ' , not salient and given without a fuss.
6 Try to immunize individuals against the motivation-killing effects of rewards
- By focusing and emphasizing the intrinsic value of what is being done.
I would add -
Show people how to use self- determined rewards to help them achieve their goals or keep on task.
Show people that many tasks may not be intrinsically rewarding but are more valued when done in an autonomous way and the natural outcomes are desirable.
Focus less on motivation , but more on autonomy, competence and relatedness.
Allan
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Consensual living and beyond
Exploring Consensual Living
By Anna Brown
NC Unschoolers Living is Learning Conference
November 13, 2004
I came to unschooling from consensual living/attachment parenting. I found it the perfect fit. I know
many come to unschooling first and then move into consensual living, what some people call radical
unschooling. I’m not even going to try to offer any official definitions because we all know that never
works.
What I decided to talk about today is what are the components to our parenting that I think help
create a climate for living consensually in our home.
I came up with a lot of things but have narrowed it down to 5 to cover today.
1 - Trusting our children
2 - Golden Rule
3 - No punishments or rewards
4 - Tools and information
5 - Validation
http://www.ncunschoolers.com/ExploringConsensualLiving-ConferenceNotes.pdf
So what is Beyond Consensual living ? It happens when kids and parents see the value in the concept of the ' family ' - that family members can use the structure of the family to support each other's autonomy , at the same time have family values and goals that family members as a group can pursue, and create a safe and caring environment .
Allan
By Anna Brown
NC Unschoolers Living is Learning Conference
November 13, 2004
I came to unschooling from consensual living/attachment parenting. I found it the perfect fit. I know
many come to unschooling first and then move into consensual living, what some people call radical
unschooling. I’m not even going to try to offer any official definitions because we all know that never
works.
What I decided to talk about today is what are the components to our parenting that I think help
create a climate for living consensually in our home.
I came up with a lot of things but have narrowed it down to 5 to cover today.
1 - Trusting our children
2 - Golden Rule
3 - No punishments or rewards
4 - Tools and information
5 - Validation
http://www.ncunschoolers.com/ExploringConsensualLiving-ConferenceNotes.pdf
So what is Beyond Consensual living ? It happens when kids and parents see the value in the concept of the ' family ' - that family members can use the structure of the family to support each other's autonomy , at the same time have family values and goals that family members as a group can pursue, and create a safe and caring environment .
Allan
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Rewards - CPS , SDT
I have discussed the question in my ABA vs CPS blog
http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.com/2010/09/aba-rdi-relationship-development.html
whether it is good practice to combine the use of rewards or token economy systems with CPS. Dr Greene does not recommend this.
There are many reasons why parents, teachers or therapists are unwilling to give up on rewards but are willing to give CPS a try alongside existing practices such as PBIS. Also kids have grown so accustomed to get rewards for doing what they have been asked to do , that they don't take to the idea of giving up on the rewards.
The alternative to rewards is to make learning and pro-social behavior intrinsically valuable, an engaging curriculum which is stimulating and interesting, driven by student curiosity and interest , allowing students to generate choices , all this taking place in the context of a community of learning. Learning can also have an association with fun.
Rewards are a Plan A strategy, not collaborating with the kid. The kid has no skill deficit but the added motivation might get the job done. This may work well in the short-term , and sometimes even if there is a slight skill deficit , rewards can ' make a kid look good', but won't solve a problem durably.
If we decide to use rewards I recommend the following.
1 Bring the kids into the process and let them decide together with you how rewards are going to be used. When rewards are self determined , the kid will not see them as controlling but see the reward as some extrinsic motivation to help him towards a goal. A kid who has difficulty in practicing piano regularly can decide to use a sticker chart and then reward himself when he achieves his goal. This helps kids reflect on more real reasons for doing things or behaving in a caring way than just to get the reward. Some kids would prefer no rewards as it may cause them anxiety or stress. We need to try and see things from a kid's point of view- whether they want or don't want a reward. When they do want a reward, we can give it and over time help them reflect on the real reasons they would like to do things.
2 Don't punish or have the kid loose credits or points for inappropriate behavior . Deal with the problem using CPS , collaborative problem solving. Behaviorists have been moving away from punishments or loosing credits , points etc – ' honey catches more flies than vinegar '.
3 Real learning takes place when kids are feeling happy, engaged, related to the teacher and kids and this usually is after they have received the reward. The learning that takes place before the reward is given has a limited effect , because it is due to ' extortion ' and the kid is not expressing his ' autonomy' and is not connected to his inner core. The reward may give an activity or learning an association with joy and happiness. This sense of joy takes place only after the reward has been given. We have to capitalize on the kid's good feeling and sense of well being and give rewards as soon as possible. This recommendation is in sharp contrast with the usual approach which sees prizes as incentives and therefore, an attempt is made to ' squeeze out ' as much performance as possible out of students before giving prizes ( to get the most bang for the buck , so as to speak ). So rewards must be very , very , very easy to get , there should be plenty of them while learning takes place , so the reward is seen more as part of the fun , part of the activity , than an incentive. The rewards of course must non-salient , cheap , mainly expressions of attention , feedback etc.
In my community prayer house kids have the opportunity to lead the service in song. They now – my recommendation- get the candy before they perform, so the candy should contribute to their singing out of joy and not singing for the candy ( despite it being a non-salient reward).
4 Everybody agrees that giving rewards is not the optimal way to operate and that we should be promoting intrinsic motivation. We need to find ways and opportunities to give up on rewards and try to give learning an association of fun. We also need to find ways to make learning and behaving intrinsically rewarding.
We can have group goals. So the group will get the sticker and the number of stickers will reflect on how the group is doing in achieving its goals and the kid feels good about contributing to the group.
Kids can decide to donate their rewards to a good cause or children who are less fortunate than them.
Allan
http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.com/2010/09/aba-rdi-relationship-development.html
whether it is good practice to combine the use of rewards or token economy systems with CPS. Dr Greene does not recommend this.
There are many reasons why parents, teachers or therapists are unwilling to give up on rewards but are willing to give CPS a try alongside existing practices such as PBIS. Also kids have grown so accustomed to get rewards for doing what they have been asked to do , that they don't take to the idea of giving up on the rewards.
The alternative to rewards is to make learning and pro-social behavior intrinsically valuable, an engaging curriculum which is stimulating and interesting, driven by student curiosity and interest , allowing students to generate choices , all this taking place in the context of a community of learning. Learning can also have an association with fun.
Rewards are a Plan A strategy, not collaborating with the kid. The kid has no skill deficit but the added motivation might get the job done. This may work well in the short-term , and sometimes even if there is a slight skill deficit , rewards can ' make a kid look good', but won't solve a problem durably.
If we decide to use rewards I recommend the following.
1 Bring the kids into the process and let them decide together with you how rewards are going to be used. When rewards are self determined , the kid will not see them as controlling but see the reward as some extrinsic motivation to help him towards a goal. A kid who has difficulty in practicing piano regularly can decide to use a sticker chart and then reward himself when he achieves his goal. This helps kids reflect on more real reasons for doing things or behaving in a caring way than just to get the reward. Some kids would prefer no rewards as it may cause them anxiety or stress. We need to try and see things from a kid's point of view- whether they want or don't want a reward. When they do want a reward, we can give it and over time help them reflect on the real reasons they would like to do things.
2 Don't punish or have the kid loose credits or points for inappropriate behavior . Deal with the problem using CPS , collaborative problem solving. Behaviorists have been moving away from punishments or loosing credits , points etc – ' honey catches more flies than vinegar '.
3 Real learning takes place when kids are feeling happy, engaged, related to the teacher and kids and this usually is after they have received the reward. The learning that takes place before the reward is given has a limited effect , because it is due to ' extortion ' and the kid is not expressing his ' autonomy' and is not connected to his inner core. The reward may give an activity or learning an association with joy and happiness. This sense of joy takes place only after the reward has been given. We have to capitalize on the kid's good feeling and sense of well being and give rewards as soon as possible. This recommendation is in sharp contrast with the usual approach which sees prizes as incentives and therefore, an attempt is made to ' squeeze out ' as much performance as possible out of students before giving prizes ( to get the most bang for the buck , so as to speak ). So rewards must be very , very , very easy to get , there should be plenty of them while learning takes place , so the reward is seen more as part of the fun , part of the activity , than an incentive. The rewards of course must non-salient , cheap , mainly expressions of attention , feedback etc.
In my community prayer house kids have the opportunity to lead the service in song. They now – my recommendation- get the candy before they perform, so the candy should contribute to their singing out of joy and not singing for the candy ( despite it being a non-salient reward).
4 Everybody agrees that giving rewards is not the optimal way to operate and that we should be promoting intrinsic motivation. We need to find ways and opportunities to give up on rewards and try to give learning an association of fun. We also need to find ways to make learning and behaving intrinsically rewarding.
We can have group goals. So the group will get the sticker and the number of stickers will reflect on how the group is doing in achieving its goals and the kid feels good about contributing to the group.
Kids can decide to donate their rewards to a good cause or children who are less fortunate than them.
Allan
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