Are we complainers or Problem solvers

Here are some insights from my new blog  http://allankatz-parentingbythebook.blogspot.co.il/

The weekly Torah=Bible reading of Beha'alotcha from the book of Numbers relates various complaints against God that the children of Israel had in the desert.

The people had 'manna' from heaven as their food. They began to complain about the lack of meat and vegetables recalling  the vegetables that they got ' free' in Egypt.

 On the other hand , the Torah tells us that there were those who expressed a certain sadness and disappointment on not being able to contribute and participate in the 'pesach=pascal sacrifice. This sacrifice was a symbol of the covenant between God and his people culminating in the redemption from Egypt. They could not participate in the pesach=pascal sacrifice because they were impure. This impurity was caused by their carrying Joseph's coffin. Aaron, Moses brother was also depressed that he and his tribe were not invited to contribute offerings to the newly established tabernacle in the desert.

As parents and teachers we should be helping kids to deal with the challenges and frustrations of life. CPS – the collaborative problem solving approach is a great way to give kids these cognitive problem solving tools. But just as important we should help them with an approach, and a philosophy to life's problems, disappointments and frustrations.

Are we ' complainers' who express frustration and feel deprived? Or do we see life's problems as challenges, problems to be solved, and opportunities to grow? Are mistakes our friends, which provide learning opportunities, and do we  say failure is not in the falling, but not getting up? Are we frustrated that we are being deprived and did not ' receive '  something or are we disappointed because of  missed opportunities to ' give ' and make a contribution to others.

The basic difference between the ' complainers ' and ' problem solvers'  is how they respond to reality. Complainers try to fight reality and this is usually takes the form of a lot of emotional negative statements and complaints – ' He shouldn't….. why did he …. Why can't I …., why don't I have ……   .  Problem solvers don't try to fight reality. They accept reality , they accept heavenly decrees. This liberates them emotionally from any negative feeling and sets the stage for problem solving.

Instead of complaining about your kids , accept the reality that ' kids do well if they can ' and not kids do well if they want to '  = ( the CPS approach mantra). Now you are emotionally free of the ' he shouldn't being doing that …', he is not trying hard enough.., he shouldn't be so rude and defiant… etc to ask what is getting in my kid's way , how can I help him.

One of the ways to solve a problem is to ask for help. Complainers don't ask for help. They generally express a lot of negativity and their complaints are not really problems to be solved but are symptomatic of the problems they have with life itself.

Modeling and teaching collaborative problem solving skills and an approach to life's problems and frustrations we can help our kids and ourselves to be Collaborative Problem Solvers and not Complainers.

EFs -Executive Functions resources - CPS , RDI

The collaborative problem solving approach addresses the many cognitive skills that a child may be lacking. When we solve problems in a collaborative way we promote executive functions, language processing skills, emotion regulation skills , social skills and cognitive flexibility. 

The RDI – relationship Development Intervention approach is very helpful in teaching kids EFs. Like CPS , EF skills are not taught directly but indirectly by being the ' guide by the side ' when engaging the child in different real life activities that require EF skills.

Here is a blog post   Executive Functions and RDI

Executive function Skills – from Thinkkids.org care givers handout 


These are the thinking skills, associated with the frontal lobe of the brain. They enable one to do the clear, organized, reflective thinking in the midst of frustration that is crucial for solving problems in an adaptive (non-impulsive) manner. The executive skills include:

• shifting cognitive set (the ability to shift gears, to make transitions in activities and thinking smoothly)

• organization and planning, and working memory (allow you to use hindsight and forethought to solve problems in a systematic fashion)

• separation of affect (the ability to put feelings on the shelf to get on with the clear thinking needed to solve problems)

When lacking, these children will have difficulty shifting from one activity to another. They will have difficulty anticipating problems. In the face of frustration, they will have difficulty staying calm enough to think clearly and will have difficulty sorting through different solutions to organize a coherent plan of action. 


Here are 2 check lists – the ALSUP Assessed Lacking Skills and unsolved problems from Dr Greene's site ' CPS – lives in the balance and a similar list from the TSI – thinking skills inventory from thinkkids.org – Dr Ablon



Dr Greene feels that categorizing the skills into executive functions etc gets in the way of focusing on the real problem , the concerns of the child and the underlying skill. It becomes a label , a diagnoses that get's in the way of helping kids. Too often , clinicians will try to promote executive functions independently of problems and the child's concerns. It is much better to work with the check list of the lacking skills together with unsolved problems. Dr Ablon reintroduced the categories at the request of parents in order to help them remember the various cognitive lacking skills. Separation of affect – putting emotions on the shelf – is now categorized by Dr Ablon under emotion regulation skills.



The various lacking cognitive skills may be found in nearly all childhood disorders and that is especially true for executive functions. So it is a bit silly to say if a kid has executive functions deficits he must have ADHD. This proves the CPS approach claim that diagnoses don't tell much and actually get into the way of a clear understanding of the underlying challenges of the child and the compatibility and responsiveness of the child's care givers.



http://www.livesinthebalance.org/sites/default/files/ALSUP%20Rev%2011-12-12%20pdf%20%282%29.pdf

http://thinkkids.org/docs/TSI%20brief%2010-09.pdf



From : Treating Explosive children - Executive functions 

  
Handling transitions, shifting from one mindset or task to another (shifting

cognitive set). 

Sticking with tasks requiring sustained attention (perseverance)

Doing things in a logical sequence or prescribed order (organization)

Reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas simultaneously (working memory)

Maintaining focus for goal-directed activities (sustained attention / concentration)

Ignoring non-relevant stimuli (distractibility)

Thinking before responding, considering the likely outcomes or consequences of

actions, forecasting (reflective not impulsive thinking)

Considering a range of solutions to a problem 


We can  train kids to be  more organized, planful, intentional ( non-impulsive ) thinking when we use Plan B – taking perspectives and concerns, defining the problem , using hindsight to reflect on past solutions and their outcomes, foresight to predict likely outcomes of potential solutions , anticipating problems and proactively solving them .


Responding to changes in routines or demands to change cognitive sets from one set of rules and expectations and making transitions is a skill which relies also on the capacity to anticipate and predict the near future and thereby not being taken by surprise.


Pan B of CPS promotes executive functions as we work through unsolved problems. We can collaborate – not top down skills instruction – with the child to see how together we can formulate goals , make the day more predictable and organized –




see below resources – Sara Ward and Ann Epstein = intentional choice and planning. 



We can help kids make lists and schedules. This is also great because it gives them a sense of time and a wider time horizon. In the moment , a kid may feel that their needs are not being met , for eg not going to the swimming pool or a play date. When they check the week's schedule they are able to perceive the bigger picture. 


Supporting a kid's autonomy is very important for their development. Autonomy does not mean independence but rather interdependence. It means being in touch with your inner core values and making decisions which express your true self and not just a reaction against parents.


When a kid had made a list or schedule , we can ask ' what about brushing teeth , do you see any problems ' etc . We don't have to give orders or instructions to do things , because it is the list the kid made is creating his agenda.


In today's modern world with plenty of technology with which kids love to mediate the world we can make use of ' Assistive Technology - check my post on ' AT'


Here are some Resources

here are some links - Sara Ward's pdf

http://www.executivefunctiontherapy.com/ 

Sara Ward has some ' amazing presentions ' here

http://www.abspedpac.org/Documents/Sarah_Ward_execfuncpres.pdf


http://home.comcast.net/~kskkight/ 


http://www.schoolbehavior.com/disorders/executive-dysfunction/


http://jamesdauntchandler.tripod.com/  - Chandler Papers on childhood disorders 


http://jamesdauntchandler.tripod.com/EF/executive_functioning.pdf


http://journal.naeyc.org/btj/200309/Planning&Reflection.pdf   - Ann Epstein

http://schoolnet.gov.mt/thinkingskills/thinkingtools.htm   - Edward de Bono

http://www.greatschools.net/LD/identifying/executive-function-lens-to-view-your-child.gs?content=1017

Carl Honore - Slow Fix parenting and CPS - collaborative problem solving

Parents of challenging children are often warned that there is no ' quick fix ' or 'magic bullet ' .

But the typical advice they are  given are the quick fixes and magic bullets  of parenting –  medicating the child and treating the behaviors with behavior modification techniques such as rewards, punishments and consequences. At most they may make a kid look good and get short-term compliance.

 Quick fixes may help in the short-term and compensate for lagging skills a kid may have , but they don't address the long term concerns and goals we have for challenging kids- helping them acquire the many cognitive and life skills needed to flourish in school, family and community and being off medication.

Carl Honore , the author of Slow Fix , explains in the parenting clip 

the Slow Fix and parenting , that  that there is no ' quick fix' , and  only the ' slow fix ' approach to parenting  can meet parenting challenges. Parenting is then,  not about  choosing parenting tools or using techniques , but becomes a ' slow  process' of listening, collaborative problem solving and relationship.

This Slow-fix mindset is crucial for engaging in Dr Ross Greene's CPS – collaborative problem solving model. 

The mantra – children do well if they can and not if they want to, gets us into the slow fix mode. We have to take it ' slow' , very slow. The first step of the cps process –  is the empathy step ,where we gather information about the child's concerns and perspective about the  problem , must be slow. We must discard our theories and be open for surprises. We need to do the listening and the kid – the talking , at most we can use dialog questions to try and drill down to get a clear understanding of their concerns. The kid must feel understood and heard and trust that the parent is there as a help. This can take more than one session. If the kid needs some time alone to ' think about it ' –give him the time. The same goes for the other steps in the model. 

Sometimes parents and kids get stuck when trying to brainstorm a mutually satisfying solution. Again, they can come back and try again after having some time to think about it. Solutions are also not ' quick fixes'. In real life , the first solution is rarely the lasting and durable solution. The slow-fix means That we will be reviewing how our solutions are working out , and if  neccessary we will together with the kid be going back to the drawing board and working on better solutions.

Quick fixes – medication , rewards, consequences and punishments are things that we would love to give up. It is preferable to  have a kid intrinsically motivated and not on drugs . Unlike the quick fixes , the slow fix is about ' process' and being involved in ' process' means there is learning taking place all the time.

So when we are engaging in CPS – collaborative problem solving remember to wear your Slow fix hat. 

Here is Carl Honore Ted Talk in Praise of Slowness

http://www.carlhonore.com/2013/02/the-slow-fix-and-parenting/

The Problem with Telling or Talking

In response to inappropriate behaviors in a school ,a teacher suggested that teacher and school expectations of kids should be voiced more often and with more concern.

Telling a kid that his behavior is unacceptable or inappropriate sounds more like a cliché and pretty vague. We need to be more specific and detailed.

Kids already know that their behaviors are unacceptable but are most likely lacking the skills demanded of them  or  lack commitment to the underlying values.

Instead of telling kids your behavior is unacceptable,  it would be better to get their input at what is getting in their way or at least helping them reflect on how the behavior is impacting on others.

Telling kids or talking to them does not help much. The reason is that we are doing the talking.

The renowned educationalist Deborah Meier said that teaching is essentially listening and learning is essentially talking. The same goes for socio-moral learning.

We need to LISTEN and at most direct the conversation with dialog questions to get input from kids about what is getting their way, help them  articulate their concerns  and reflect on the impact of their behavior on others, the type of person I want to be and come up with a better plan.

The problem with telling or talking is who is doing the telling or talking ! 

Nothing will happen to me if I hit !

One kid said –' If I have a problem with a kid, I will just hit him, because I know the teacher will just talk to me and nothing will happen to me' !

The CPS approach would be to have a conversation to understand why a kid would respond in such a way. Would it not be better to solve problems by talking rather than by hitting!

The bottom line is that a CPS conversation between the teacher and kid will make sure that something does happen to him, it won't be something extrinsic like a punishment or consequence but intrinsic . Something will happen from the inside.

The question we want the kid to ask himself is what type of person do I want to be?.

Does this type of behavior give expression to my values or reflect on the type of person I want to be or the way kids should   interact in our classroom and solve problems. How can I get my needs and concerns met in an appropriate way.?

A kid who says his behavior will be determined by the possible consequences handed out by a teacher is actually giving up' control' of his behavior to the teacher. The locus of control is now outside the kid. His behavior is now dependent on how the teacher reacts and is no longer self determined, autonomous and an expression of his values.

The reason why sometimes kids like punishment is that it is the easy way out. Accountability here is just paying a price and making sure you don't get caught. You don’t have to change from the inside, come up with a better plan and engage in restitution in autonomous way.

What happens to a kid when he receives a consequence?  In my day, the tough kids took the punishment like a man and the others regretted at having being caught. Today, there is more anger and pain. But all  kids who get punished never ask themselves- is this  a reflection of the type of person I want to be ?  They only ask – what will happen to me ? In a sense , nothing has happened to him except his ' what's in it for me ' thinking has been reinforced.

What will happen to a kid with CPS. He will be uplifted,  enhanced self esteem,better relationship with his teachers and peers and more committed to his values. He will have acquired lots of communication and problem solving skills. He will have a new vision of his ' possible self ' and his future.

Test scores or student Well Being

Michael Enright speaks to Finland's education reform guru, Dr. Pasi Sahlberg, about how the country's egalitarian, low-stress model has helped Finnish students reach for the top.

Dr Pasi Sahlberg - Finnish Education  CBC interview 

THE MAIN CONCERN  of schools should be the Well- Being of kids, their happiness, ensuring that they find school and learning meaningful, enriching  and interesting, that they have friends and   relationship with teachers. This comes before academic achievement. The first question parents should ask teachers should be '  is my child happy at school  and not what are her test scores ?

Teachers should be helping kids to understand themselves, their strengths, develop and find an interest and passion, and equip them with thinking and communication skills needed for the outside world. Traditional maths, science and reading won't do the job.

DELAYING FORMAL EDUCATION.

 In Finland kids start school at the age of seven. Dr Sahlberg explains that play teaches kids to cooperate with others, develops their minds and thinking, and they learn that this gives them power etc and in order to be good at play one needs time to practice.

ASSESSMENT

  The focus on testing and especially high stakes  standardized testing leads to ' teaching to test' and the narrowing of curriculum. Focusing on a core curriculum of maths, reading, writing and science fails kids as there is no way that a core curriculum can help a kid understand who they are and what they would like to do in the future. Only a wide curriculum can help kids discover and find their own passions and talents and tackle the high ' drop-out ' rates in school.

Instead of standardized tests schools can do ' sample ' testing and have more trust in teachers and rely on them. Assessment Joe Bower reminds us is a conversation , not a spreadsheet . The real progress of kids can be assessed by  the questions they ask and no test can do that.

A Worrying Study

A  survey of a 100,000 Canadian kids between 7-12 reported that 50% of kids are worried about their futures, 2/3 of them lose sleep over this and 1/3 have cried over this. This is a direct result of high stakes standardized testing and an educational system driven by extrinsic motivators like grades. We no longer use corporal punishment and punitive discipline but kids today are subject to greater pressures and expectations to perform. Love and acceptance is now conditional on how kids behave and their test scores.

Special needs kids - He aint heavy, he's my brother

Parenting challenging or special needs kids is very tough on parents , siblings and of course the special needs kids. For most regular families parenting is like emigrating to a new country like Italy. For parents of challenging kids it is not Welcome to Italy  , but as I shared in a previous blog  - Welcome to Holland or is it Beirut ? ' 

Here is a you tube  -        The team Long Brothers _ a journey of Brotherly love  

The you tube should also inspire us to provide kids with opportunities to enjoy cooperative sport and games rather than competitive sport , being number one and beating the other kid.

Welcome to Holland  essay
          http://www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/holland.htm

Welcome to Beirut essay
http://www.bbbautism.com/beginners_beirut.htm

         "Holland Schmolland"

http://www.autism-help.org/story-holland-schmolland.htm