Self
Determination theory shows that when children's basic psychological needs for
autonomy, competence and relatedness are being met, children's healthy
development and well- being is ensured. This is done by implementing the 3
dimensions of parenting– Autonomy support, structure and Involvement. Providing
structure supports competence, involvement promote relatedness and autonomy
support is the guiding and defining principle of how we are involved with
children and how we provide them with structure.
Autonomy support helps a child
to be his true self, connecting to his inner values so that he is self
–directed, the author of his actions and the owner of the outcomes. It is about
giving a child a voice to self -advocate by " working with the child"
to get his perspective and concerns on the table, allow him to participate in
initiating and generating rules, guidelines, choices and solutions to problems in
a mutually satisfactory way. This requires being empathic, understanding the
child’s motivations, thoughts, and feelings. When parents or teachers have to be directive,
they take the child's perspective into consideration, offer meaningful
rationales and explanations for their expectations, show empathy and
understanding why the child would not be so happy with their decision and try
to compensate by giving more autonomy in other areas. This leaves the door open
for more discussion aimed at working on an agreed solution.
Structure should be
provided, not to address a parent or teacher's need for control but to support the
needs of children for autonomy, competence and relatedness. Structure does not
imply control. We can provide structure in a non-controlling way without being
controlling or being contingent using rewards, praise, punishments,
consequences, criticism and threats. Caregivers should work with children to
decide what kind of family do they want, how should they work together, work
out what rules, boundaries, limits, guidelines, expectations and values should
inform their behavior and how problems should be solved – in a collaborative
problem solving way. They provide information and help kids reflect on the
possible outcomes of their actions and how they impact on others. Structure supports
competence by teaching skills in the context of unsolved problems and the child's
perspective, by scaffolding of demands and
responsibilities so they fit in with the child's growing capacities,
engaging in collaborative problem solving that not only makes a kid successful but teaches
indirectly other life skills. Caregivers
provide rich real-time feedback and dialogue which is informational
rather than evaluative focusing on improvement, mastery rather than extrinsic performance goals.
This improves the child's perceived competence and helps the child live their choices,
learn from them and elevate themselves.
Involvement Many parents devote time, invest attention and resources, are
caring, show love, warmth, concern and encouragement. They are engaged and enjoy
interactions with the child, are informed about what's happening in a child's life
and not involved out of a need for control that leads to a parent using
pressure, power, dominance, demanding, being critical, conditional or even
punitive to get compliance. Love and warmth are important, but what a child
needs more than love is respect, taking what they say seriously, taking their
perspective, hearing their concerns, seeing their world through their eyes, how
they experience their world and supporting their autonomy. A
high degree of involvement can make a child feel as though he matters when it is accompanied by autonomy support.
It is already established that parental
involvement, structure and autonomy support are correlated with relatedness and
social skills, higher perceived competence, better emotional health
regulation and control, fewer behavioral issues, delayed
gratification, impulse control, higher school achievement, general well-being,
less depression, higher self-esteem, greater self-regulation and
internalization, problem solving skills. The child's needs for autonomy,
competence and relatedness are being met so the child becomes more
self-determined, intrinsically motivated, with an inner drive reflective of the
true self, guiding behavior.
A lack of autonomy support supplants that
inner drive with something else, material rewards punishments. A more appealing
approach is to avoid punishments especially corporal punishment and rewards and
use parental conditional regard. PCR involves using love to manipulate behavior.
Attention, appreciation, and affection are given for approved behaviors, and
withdrawn for disapproved behaviors. In effect, parental conditional regard's
impact is within the child. It implants the parent’s will into the child’s
psyche. Positive conditional regard is
effective in getting compliance but children tended to resent and dislike their
parents. They are apt to say that the way they acted was often due more to
a “strong internal pressure” than to “a real sense of choice. Negative Conditional regard does not work
even in the short run evoking negative feelings and defiance in children. It
drowns out the child’s own inner voice, and results in real psychological
damage, low self- worth, not liking oneself, constructing a false self that
parents or teachers will like. Children are more likely to suppress emotions,
less able to regulate emotions, recognize emotions in others, and less likely
to share emotions with others. Unconditional regard leads to, intrinsic
motivation, general well-being and kids feeling better about themselves and
others.
