tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66058133046661536952024-03-13T02:10:42.794-07:00Parenting is LearningAllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.comBlogger181125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-26891264748658748382020-07-22T05:55:00.001-07:002020-07-22T06:37:44.307-07:00Time-outs or Collaborative problem solving and Co-regulation <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It
is generally accepted that corporal punishment cannot be used to discipline
children because it is abusive causing not only physical pain and damage but
also negative emotional and severe traumatic damage. The same negative effects
may be caused by how we restrain children who are out of control, put them in
time-outs especially for longer periods and also verbal abuse in the form of
yelling, shouting, threatening and criticizing. How much more so, <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">when we
deal with young children, toddlers and infants who are the most vulnerable of
children. Educators acknowledge that punishments and threats, causing children
to suffer does not help change their future behavior and at most elicits only temporary
compliance. Punishments, even if we use the euphemism " consequences"
just generates anger, defiance and <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="background: white;">desire for revenge. Moreover, it models the use of
power rather than reason and ruptures the important relationship between adult
and child.</span></span> Crucial to the development of young children is their
learning to trust a caring adult and learn from them." <span style="background: white;">There are many terrible things in this world, but the worst is when a
child as afraid of his father, mother, or teacher. He fears them, instead of
loving and trusting them. If a child trusts you with his secret, be grateful.
For his confidence is the highest prize."</span> <em><span style="background: white; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif;">-Janusz Korczak</span></em> Unfortunately, many children may <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>look well-behaved, they are not self-regulated
, it is fear.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The
behavioral strategies to challenging behaviors focus on time-outs and token
economy systems using rewards include praise. Time-outs are still problematic
because they are perceived by children as punitive and hence cause more stress
and emotional dysregulation. Allan Kazdin says the research recommends maximum
time-outs of 2 minutes. Howard Glasser sees a time-out as an opportunity to
change gears and can be seconds. The child gets a reward for calming down and
doing a quick time out. Rewards are also problematic because they are also
experienced as controlling, rewards punish when a kid fails to get a reward and
they also generate more anxiety in children. Rewards often " hijack "
the problem, undermine intrinsic motivation, fail to deal with the underlying
problems and teach kids lacking skills. The focus of rewards and punishments is
compliance and addressing the adults need from control. They don't support the
needs of children, in fact they thwart those needs. Children need to feel
unconditionally loved because of who they are and not what they do. Kids
receive more love and attention when they do well and learn that acceptance is
conditional. Trying to manipulate people or even kids to do things one wants is
not moral. I remember a teacher feeling terrible for a kid who was given a
piece of chocolate for every time he complied- part of some ABA treatment ,
treating him as if he was a pet dog. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
mother also complained about rewards in the ABA program – instead of building
relationship and intrinsic motivation, the reward offered the child the
opportunity to stop what he was doing for a preferred activity and also at the
expense of connection with his mother.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The
alternatives to rewards and punishments, " doing to " children is
" working with" <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>children
include focusing on healthy attachments, being receptive to the child's needs
especially in stressful situations and solving problems in a collaborative way
with children so that the solutions are mutually satisfactory and address the
underlying problems. According to Ross Greene – Collaborative and Pro-active Solutions,
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>CPS , challenging behavior arises when
the demands placed on the child outstrip the skills the child has to respond in
an adaptive and flexible manner. In general these kids lack crucial problem
solving skills to be adaptive and tolerate frustration. The process of collaborative
problem solving not only solves the problem , but solves in a way that the
child is picking up various cognitive skills, relationship and trust between
the adult and the child is enhanced and we are supporting the autonomy of the
child instead of fixing the child. This occurs when we try to see the problem from the
perspective of the child, when we drill-down to understand their concerns and
they share in generating the solution. The forerunner of problem solving
approaches is Myrna Shure's <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"I can
problem solve " program and book " Raising a thinking child. Based on
25 years of research the approach does not teach children what and what not to
do and why, but rather , it teaches them how to think so they can decide for
themselves what and what not to do and why. The process involves teaching the
vocabulary for problem solving including " word pairs ". Myrna Shure
says her approach works for kids as young as three. Ross Greene says that
children as young as three have a problem solving vocabulary, but we in fact
collaboratively problem solving with non-verbal toddlers and infants. Observing
their behavior, their chief mode of communication gives us an idea and clues
about <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>their needs and concerns. We
respond to their cues- <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>cries, laughter ,
their facial and other non-verbal language with our words, and plenty of
non-verbal language .It is detective work , but it is collaborative. While a
child's verbal skills may be lacking , their language receptive skills are more
advanced so we can help them use sign language – thumbs up or thumbs down, the
five finger method , the colors of the zones of regulation to help a child communicate how he is feeling. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can narrow the
focus by using Yes/No questions, then ask , can you tell me more ? We can make
tentative suggestions about what we think is the concern or problem and then
ask a Yes/no question. We can suggest solutions. We can use the work of Myrna Shure to teach collaborative problem solving language, a vocabulary to express needs , concerns or a perspective, feelings etc .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can use google pictures depicting problems
and possible solutions.https://www.livesinthebalance.org/art-for-problems-and-solutions <a href="https://www.livesinthebalance.org/art-for-problems-and-solutions">https://www.livesinthebalance.org/art-for-problems-and-solutions</a> Problem solving is a slow process in which we need to
give the child a time to think and not rush them into a solution. We need to
then role play the solution, show them the procedures of doing things. And let
them role play. Problem solving of course is best out of the moment. Out of the
moment we can also focus on building skills and bonding- creating relationship
by using guided participation , joint attention in the various activities in
the home or garden. R.D.I – Relationship Development interventions helps the
child to see the parent as an ally and seek their guidance.<br />
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Mona
Delahooke explains why rewards , consequences fail and what the child needs is
co-regulation. Her work is based on Brain science of Dr Dan Siegel - https://www.themontessorinotebook.com/summary-of-the-whole-brain-child/<a href="https://www.themontessorinotebook.com/summary-of-the-whole-brain-child/">https://www.themontessorinotebook.com/summary-of-the-whole-brain-child/</a> and Stuart Shanker <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJRtbcChy0Y">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJRtbcChy0Y</a><br />
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Co-regulation means engaging a child emotionally with empathy and slowly trying to direct a child away from his emotional brain to using his prefontal-cortex , so thinking can take place.<br />
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<a href="https://monadelahooke.com/toddler-tantrums-help-neuroscience/">https://monadelahooke.com/toddler-tantrums-help-neuroscience/</a> <a href="https://monadelahooke.com/toddler-tantrums-help-neuroscience/">https://monadelahooke.com/toddler-tantrums-help-neuroscience/</a></div>
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https://monadelahooke.com/child-discipline-time-to-shift-the-lens/<a href="https://monadelahooke.com/child-discipline-time-to-shift-the-lens/">monadelahooke.com/child-discipline-time-to-shift-the-lens</a><o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://monadelahooke.com/top-down-and-bottom-up-behaviors-understanding-the-critical-difference/">https://monadelahooke.com/top-down-and-bottom-up-behaviors-understanding-the-critical-difference/</a><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "inherit" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
Monitor on Psychology’s October <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/10/child-discipline"><span style="color: #194796;">2019 article</span></a>, “Teaming Up to Change Child
Discipline” described how parenting advice such as “spare the rod and spoil the
child” is now debunked and outdated. This is an important shift, considering
that <a href="http://unh.edu/ccrc/pdf/CV358%20-%20Published%202019.pdf"><span style="color: #194796;">60% of children aged 3-4</span></a> in the US are
spanked by their parents. In regards to the progress we’ve made in the
parenting arena, the article cites alternative approaches including, The Incredible
Years, Triple P-Positive Parenting, and “1-2-3 Magic” as more progressive.
Here’s where I disagree. All of these approaches, including the publicly funded
Parent- Child Interaction Training (PCIT) condone time-outs as a modern
parenting disciplinary tool</span><span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. </span><span style="background: white; color: #262626;">Our interventions will depend on knowing <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the difference between top-down and bottom-up
behaviors.</span><span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<strong><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Bottom-up behaviors </span></strong><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">are instinctual and unintentional. They are
survival-based stress responses, and operate through the activation of the
brain’s threat-detection system. Infants only have bottom-up behaviors. They
are called bottom-up because they come from cues in the body and areas of the
brain that are driven by instincts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Top-down behaviors </span></strong><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">are deliberate and intentional. Top-down
thinking and behaviors develop over many years through connections to the prefrontal
cortex of the brain. They are called top-down because they are literally driven
by the top part of our bodies, the “executive function” center of our brain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<strong style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">These two types of behaviors have completely different causes
and should lead to very different solutions depending on the type of behavior.</span></strong><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"> But this isn’t
happening. Too many approaches to helping behaviorally challenged children and
teens are based on the assumption that all challenging behaviors are alike.
And the main way we solve them? Punishment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Me - </span><span style="color: #2a2e2e; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt;">the top down behavior may be
influenced by rewards and punishments but only to the extent of short term
compliance , usually feeling compelled and forced , displaying amotivation .
This brings us back to the question of motivation and in particular intrinsic
motivation - when kids needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness are met ,
kids will be more self determined and their well being advanced- Self
Determination theory. So with bottom up behavior rewards and consequences won't
even buy short-term compliance and behavior <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>behavior.</span><span style="color: #262626; font-family: "inherit" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "inherit" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I don’t
believe time-outs are progressive because we know more about human behaviors
than ever before. We now know through brain and developmental science that
there’s something even more foundational than teaching or discipline. It’s
called emotional co-regulation. <b>The shift I propose is understanding
that emotional co-regulation (helping the child’s emotional journey causing the
behavioral challenge) is the new paradigm.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "inherit" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">While
time-outs were a leap forward from corporal methods such as spanking, they rely
on a false assumption: that all behaviors are motivated and incentivized and
thus susceptible to teaching the child a lesson. This is a false assumption
because many childhood behaviors are <i>not</i> the result of
deliberate malintent or misbehavior, but are instinctive responses to
stress. <b>When children can’t connect to caring adults to reduce their
subconscious perception of threat, they experience stress responses, which
often show up as behavioral challenges</b>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "inherit" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
popular programs described in the Monitor’s article are agnostic of the
powerful force of the autonomic nervous system on childhood behaviors. This
popular paradigm views all behaviors as incentivized and motivated, <i>rather
than instinctual and safety-seeking</i>. <b>When we view behaviors from
the lens of safety-seeking, we find that soothing the child through our gentle
interactions (emotional co-regulation) is the answer, not issuing consequences.</b>
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2e2e; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Relational safety and the neuroception of safety sets the floor
and then we do what the parent and child need in the moment to stay safe, and
feel calm enough to think. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "inherit" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">The
Monitor article thus fails to ask the most important question when it comes to
discipline: is this a purposeful misbehavior or a response to autonomic stress?
If it is a response to stress, then <i>any</i> technique that blames
a child’s intentions<a href="https://monadelahooke.com/do-time-outs-work-its-time-to-reframe-the-question/"><span style="color: #194796;">—will be ineffective</span></a>. The reason? <b>All
techniques that degrade the social engagement system increase autonomic
distress. </b>The parenting programs mentioned in the article suggest
time-outs when a child’s behaviors increase in severity or the child doesn’t
respond to positive reinforcement. <b>On the contrary, in the shift I’m
proposing, when a child’s behaviors increase in severity, that’s a sign that
the child needs more engagement and not less. </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "inherit" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">ME-
More engagement of course means we don't impose our help on the child if our
attempts to calm him down, just escalate the child's emotional reactions. A
time-out is forced isolation and separation. Leaving a child , but sitting
close by without intervening except by offering a child something to drink or a
snack, or asking if he would like to calm down in a / his " comfort corner
" is not time-out. We are still providing the conditions to help the child
self-regulate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "inherit" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
respectfully submit that many popular “evidence-based” parenting programs are
working from a simplistic model that measures compliance and other easily
tested outward signs of “progress” but leave out the child’s physiology. <b>A
child may look more compliant after a time out, but will likely also be more
stressed internally. </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "inherit" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">So what
can we do to update parenting practices for behavior challenges? Replace them
with tools that are inclusive of the human drive to feel safe. <b>The
message for teachers, administrators, and parents: Instead of trying to
extinguish unwanted behaviors, we should shift our paradigm from behavioral
compliance to physiological safety</b>. As a clinician, I have found that the
subconscious perception of threat underlies most challenging behaviors, and the
solution isn’t through a time-out or “counting to three,” but through social
engagement.<b> As Alexander Van Hiejer says, “When a flower
doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #2a2e2e; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 107%;"> It's about bringing a neurodevelopmental lens to our
outdated methods of working with children's challenges. Mainstream psychology
hasn't kept up with neuroscience and is still enamored with behaviorism and
reinforcement schedules. Until we realize that the intervening variable of
physiological state influences a child's behaviors, and that emotional
co-regulation is the pathway to resilience, providers will continue to use
outdated models that don't place emotions and relationships at the center of
all interventions.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: #262626; font-family: "inherit" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I share
more about how we can understand and support children in my latest book, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Behaviors-Compassion-Understand-Behavioral/dp/1683731190/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=delahooke&qid=1572225332&sr=8-1"><span style="color: #194796;">Beyond Behaviors.</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-59148405251749754162020-01-07T08:50:00.001-08:002020-01-07T08:52:33.929-08:00A call for " consequences " gets academic and socio-moral learning wrong <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">While an article discussing the challenges to implementing RJ and buidling community is very important especially for schools in transition , the call for impos</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; display: inline; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">ing consequences - <a href="https://tinyurl.com/ygquh7uf">article </a> here - as opposed to being restorative and supportive , providing structure in a non- controlling way that supports student autonomy certainly won't help achieve the goal the writer ends the article - to raise children who will be compassionate, collaborative and successful in life. An aternative view from Alfie kohn's article unconditional teaching <a data-ft="{"tn":"-U"}" data-lynx-mode="asynclazy" data-lynx-uri="https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.alfiekohn.org%2Farticle%2Funconditional-teaching%2F%3Ffbclid%3DIwAR2caIpCegMwk_oPoCj62X83fBMqvzDBrjEawyFacGjJ_cy6imxk3hddHBI&h=AT01lFNguUyZMGfP5Vh2HD4MBRSYp9hqyQj56cPSs7OiaXemJz24P6u7r9lZLnBIVzcvHnCrB2Q80ddYk__YINwuOOEnioVfNdfOq2R9G4kZQyaTo89FN2KgX0ofbEMz3EgrUziW5NJC8o64RkLWtzD9kpUvFFuo3Xg" href="https://www.alfiekohn.org/article/unconditional-teaching/?fbclid=IwAR2caIpCegMwk_oPoCj62X83fBMqvzDBrjEawyFacGjJ_cy6imxk3hddHBI" rel="noopener nofollow" style="color: #385898; cursor: pointer; font-family: inherit; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">https://www.alfiekohn.org/article/unconditional-teaching/</a><br />In an illuminating passage from her recent book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson explained that a teacher can make it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing “a very deep kind of reassurance – the reassurance that she still care[s] about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they do] something very bad.” This posture allows “their best motives to surface,” thus giving “space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong. “If we want our students to trust that we care for them,” she concludes, “then we need to display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. It’s not that we don’t want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it.”<br />This is the heart of unconditional teaching, and Watson points out that it’s easier to maintain this stance, even with kids who are frequently insulting or aggressive, if we keep in mind why they’re acting that way. The idea is for the teacher to think about what these students need (emotionally speaking) and probably haven’t received. That way, she can see “the vulnerable child behind the bothersome or menacing exterior.”<br />The popular view is that children who misbehave are just “testing limits” – a phrase often used as a justification for imposing more limits, or punishments. But perhaps such children are testing something else entirely: the unconditionality of our care for them. Perhaps they’re acting in unacceptable ways to see if we’ll stop accepting them.<br />Thus, one teacher (quoted in Watson, 2003) dealt with a particularly challenging child by sitting down with him and saying, “You know what[?] I really, really like you. You can keep doing all this stuff and it’s not going to change my mind. It seems to me that you are trying to get me to dislike you, but it’s not going to work. I’m not ever going to do that.” This teacher added: “It was soon after that, and I’m not saying immediately, that his disruptive behaviors started to decrease.” The moral here is that unconditional acceptance is not only something all children deserve; it’s also a powerfully effective way to help them become better people. It’s more useful, practically speaking, than any “behavior management” plan could ever be.</span></div>
AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-73927900493035267122019-08-27T07:17:00.004-07:002020-05-11T23:05:46.357-07:00The 3 dimensions of parenting – Involvement, Structure and Autonomy support. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; letter-spacing: 0.25pt;">Self
Determination theory shows that when children's basic psychological needs for
autonomy, competence and relatedness are being met, children's healthy
development and well- being is ensured. This is done by implementing the 3
dimensions of parenting– Autonomy support, structure and Involvement. Providing
structure supports competence, involvement promote relatedness and autonomy
support is the guiding and defining principle of how we are involved with
children and how we provide them with structure.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; letter-spacing: 0.25pt;"> <b>Autonomy support</b> helps a child
to be his true self, connecting to his inner values so that he is self
–directed, the author of his actions and the owner of the outcomes. It is about
giving a child a voice to self -advocate by " working with the child"
to get his perspective and concerns on the table, allow him to participate in
initiating and generating rules, guidelines, choices and solutions to problems in
a mutually satisfactory way. This requires being empathic, understanding the
child’s motivations, thoughts, and feelings. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When parents or teachers have to be directive,
they take the child's perspective into consideration, offer meaningful
rationales and explanations for their expectations, show empathy and
understanding why the child would not be so happy with their decision and try
to compensate by giving more autonomy in other areas. This leaves the door open
for more discussion aimed at working on an agreed solution.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; letter-spacing: 0.25pt;"><b> Structure</b> should be
provided, not to address a parent or teacher's need for control but to support the
needs of children for autonomy, competence and relatedness. Structure does not
imply control. We can provide structure in a non-controlling way without being
controlling or being contingent using rewards, praise, punishments,
consequences, criticism and threats. Caregivers should work with children to
decide what kind of family do they want, how should they work together, work
out what rules, boundaries, limits, guidelines, expectations and values should
inform their behavior and how problems should be solved – in a collaborative
problem solving way. They provide information and help kids reflect on the
possible outcomes of their actions and how they impact on others. Structure supports
competence by teaching skills in the context of unsolved problems and the child's
perspective, by </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">scaffolding of demands and
responsibilities so they fit in with the child's growing capacities,</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; letter-spacing: 0.25pt;">
engaging in collaborative problem solving that not </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">only makes a kid successful but teaches
indirectly other life skills. Caregivers<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>provide rich real-time feedback and dialogue which is informational
rather than evaluative</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; letter-spacing: 0.25pt;"> focusing on improvement, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">mastery rather than extrinsic performance goals.
This improves the child's perceived competence and helps the child</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> live their choices,
learn from them and elevate themselves.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><b><span style="letter-spacing: .25pt;">Involvement</span></b><span style="letter-spacing: .25pt;"> Many parents d</span></span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">evote time, invest attention and resources, are
caring, show love, warmth, concern and encouragement. They are engaged and enjoy
interactions with the child, are informed about what's happening in a child's life
and not involved out of a need for control that leads to a parent using
pressure, power, dominance, demanding, being critical, conditional or even
punitive to get compliance. Love and warmth are important, but what a child
needs more than love is respect, taking what they say seriously, taking their
perspective, hearing their concerns, seeing their world through their eyes, how
they experience their world and supporting their autonomy. A</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; letter-spacing: 0.25pt;">
high degree of involvement can make a child feel as though he matters</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"> when </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">it is accompanied by autonomy support.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; letter-spacing: 0.25pt; line-height: 107%;">It is already established that parental
involvement, structure and autonomy support are correlated with relatedness and
social skills, higher perceived competence, better emotional health
regulation and control, fewer behavioral issues, delayed
gratification, impulse control, higher school achievement, general well-being,
less depression, higher self-esteem, greater self-regulation and
internalization, problem solving skills. The child's needs for autonomy,
competence and relatedness are being met so the child becomes more
self-determined, intrinsically motivated, with an inner drive reflective of the
true self, guiding behavior.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; letter-spacing: 0.25pt; line-height: 107%;">A lack of autonomy support supplants that
inner drive with something else, material rewards punishments. A more appealing
approach is to avoid punishments especially corporal punishment and rewards and
use parental conditional regard. PCR involves using love to manipulate behavior.
Attention, appreciation, and affection are given for approved behaviors, and
withdrawn for disapproved behaviors. In effect, parental conditional regard's
impact is within the child. It implants the parent’s will into the child’s
psyche. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Positive conditional regard is
effective in getting compliance but </span><span style="background: white; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">children tended to resent and dislike their
parents. They are apt to say that the way they acted was often due more to
a “strong internal pressure” than to “a real sense of choice.</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; letter-spacing: 0.25pt; line-height: 107%;"> Negative Conditional regard does not work
even in the short run evoking negative feelings and defiance in children. It
drowns out the child’s own inner voice, and results in real psychological
damage, low self- worth, not liking oneself, constructing a false self that
parents or teachers will like. Children are more likely to suppress emotions,
less able to regulate emotions, recognize emotions in others, and less likely
to share emotions with others. Unconditional regard leads to, intrinsic
motivation, general well-being and kids feeling better about themselves and
others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-27360765124802291062019-07-18T09:37:00.000-07:002019-07-18T23:01:52.835-07:00PMT Parent Management Training ( Barkley) vs CPS Collaborative and Pro-active Solutions (Greene)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This is part of an email discussion about using PMT – Parent Management
Training and CPS – Collaborative and Pro-active Solutions as treatment models
for kids with challenging behavior. I reached out to some Prof whom name I
mistakenly mistook as someone who was an SDT advocate – Self Determination
Theory . I discontinued the discussion because he was conflating autonomy with
independence and structure with control , implying that he did not or did not
want to understand what SDT was all about .<o:p></o:p></div>
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Thanks for your quick response. I apologize for asking some more questions . You write '<span style="color: #1f497d;">In my opinion there is more than one way to increase autonomy in children – and CPS and PMT are two of the ways. Some children need more external “controls” to help them develop autonomy whereas other do not. Thus, both can be effective in this regard. No mystery here – there are multiple pathways to any one outcome as many of us have written over the years.</span><u></u><u></u></div>
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I can appreciate that some kids need more structure , but one can do that without being controlling. From what I know about SDT , and I think you have done much research on the SDT model , using extrinsic motivation and controlling parents places the locus of control with the parents and this impacts negatively on autonomy and on intrinsic motivation. So can you refer me to the literature or give me an explanation to solve this mystery.<u></u><u></u></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">I think part of the issue here is the word “controlling” – while it is true that the parent remains the parent and has a responsibility to do so, in PMT the parent collaborates with the child in identifying targets for change and in selecting reinforcers for consequences. This is a process, and the child is involved at each and every step. Developmentally, I believe most of us think that external “control” is needed to achieve “internal” control. The key here is to use what you refer to as “control” to instigate the behaviors – to prompt them, occasion them, and consequate them - as the child is able to gain control of his or her behavior, the external contingencies are removed. Kohn greatly overstates what actually goes on in PMT – PMT done well helps the child become autonomous. <u></u><u></u></span></div>
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'<span style="color: #1f497d;">With both treatments we want families to get along better and the children to flourish – both can accomplish this goal.</span>' <u></u><u></u></div>
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Again my difficulty – PMT is based on parental authority and getting compliance, CPS is more of a working with, collaborative approach so getting along and children flourishing can mean different things to different families. A consensual and more democratic relationship or more of a conditional and controlling environment – and that imho impacts on autonomy and IM. Maybe all parents share the long-term goals of better relationships and flourishing children , the short-term goals of compliance using contingencies , rewards and consequences and praise to enforce behavior means that their emotional needs of unconditional acceptance are not being met. So my comment about the Alice in Wonderland was if the goals and parenting philosophies are so different we must know what we want from our research - to measure compliance and that kids are less trouble now or are we meeting their emotional and developmental needs of autonomy, competence , relatedness and also a commitment to the values underlying behavior.<u></u><u></u></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">In my opinion, the problem with your position is that your assumptions are wrong – PMT is not solely based on “parental authority and getting compliance” as you suggest. There is much more to it – you might wish to read Russell Barkley’s manual and books on PMT where he does a good job of talking about the processes involved. By the way, I also think that the child’s “emotional needs of unconditional acceptance” is grossly overblown. I am not sure where your support for “unconditional acceptance” is coming from and whether it is a “need.” I can see how if you really believe this, you would think that PMT is as you suggest. Again, it is not and children do not have a need or unconditional acceptance – where is the evidence for this? If it exists I am unaware of it. <u></u><u></u></span></div>
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About Alfie Kohn you say : <span style="color: #1f497d;"> Much of it is not grounded in science and it needs to be desperately evaluated before it is promulgated the way it has been. </span> From what I understand and have read it is heavily based on SDT so could you briefly elaborate here<u></u><u></u></div>
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<span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">A place to start here is a scientific review of SDT – might you provide me with that? All things, in my opinion, do not need to fit in the SDT model to be valid and clinical useful – thank goodness for that! </span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-66077977403417905802019-07-12T07:12:00.000-07:002019-07-12T07:12:06.250-07:00Self Determination Theory ( based also on Punished By Rewards , A.Kohn)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Non-traditional progressive approaches to
parenting and education focus on " working with " children are
informed by the Self Determination theory, a theory about human motivation,
development and well-being. SDT does not see motivation as a unitary phenomenon,
with differences only in magnitude. The question is not how to motivate people,
but how are people motivated. If they are more intrinsically motivated
identifying with the inherent value of the activity and find it interesting and
enjoyable, they will be more engaged, persistent, and this will impact
positively on their well-being. When the motivation is extrinsic as when they
feel coerced, controlled or pressured into doing something or do not find value
in what they are doing, people are less motivated, unengaged, less persistent
and this impacts negatively on well-being. 40 years of research shared also by
Alfie Kohn in the book Punished by Rewards has shown in the many domains of
life when people's needs for autonomy (not to be confused with independence), competence
and relatedness are met - people are self- determined, intrinsically motivated
and experience a sense of vitality and well- being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Autonomy is not independence, but the feeling
that my actions and words are volitional expressions of intentional choice and
are endorsed at the highest level of reflection, and connected to my inner
being. Competence is the feeling that one is competent to act affectively in
the world and make a contribution to others. Relatedness is the feeling a sense
of belonging to a group, a community, caring for others and being cared for. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Traditional approaches are informed by behaviorism
and focus on" doing to " children with extrinsic motivators -
rewards, punishments, praise, criticism, helping parents be more assertive,
consistent and contingent in order to get compliance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">The consequences of autonomous motivation
are that performance, wellness, interest and engagement are greater and can be
maintained over a long period of time. Controlled or external motivation is
doing something to get something else, to avoid punishment or negative feelings
when the person feels pressured, demanded of, and obliged. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the short term, a promise of reward or a
threat of punishment are very powerful motivators but in the longer term they undermine
intrinsic motivation, performance and well-being. </span><span dir="RTL" lang="HE" style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">People are often involved in tasks which
are often not inherently interesting or enjoyable, yet they identify with the
underlying value and purpose of the activity. This is called identified and
integrated regulation. One would be willing to subject oneself to a security
check at the airport because one identifies with the value and purpose of the
check. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You could be motivated to change your
life style because of your health issues, learn new skills or mathematics
because they would be necessary for a dream job, or you may even believe that it
is important to know mathematics or change your life style. People may have even
assimilated and integrated the goals and values into their personalities, yet
while they see value, they <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>have no interest in changing a life style or learning
mathematics for its own sake and they don't find mathematics or the different
life style pleasurable. Externally regulated behavior is the least autonomous
and is performed to get a reward, praise, avoid punishment and negative
consequences, comply with a demand. Introjected regulated behavior comes from a
sense of ‘‘ought-to,” shame, ego, or other social pressures associated with a
task. It is " internally " controlling. This form of regulation is
brought about by contingent self- esteem and by a desire not to seem incapable
in the eyes of classmates, or to receive approval positive regard from parents
or teachers. It is internal like the drive for " perfectionism " or
being a "work alcoholic "<span style="background: white; color: #222222;">.
While this is internally driven, introjected behavior has an external perceived
locus of causality, or not coming from one's true inner -self, like externally
regulated behavior. Since the causality of the behavior is perceived as
external, the behavior is considered non-self-determined. </span>Intrinsic
regulation is characterized as a belief that the learning task is stimulating
and interesting, that accomplishment in and of itself is worthwhile, and that
studying and knowing new things is pleasurable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">The process of becoming more autonomously
and intrinsically motivated is called internalization. Internalizing the value
and relevance of a task or behavior occurs when the basic needs for autonomy,
competence and relatedness are supported.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #28323f; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Many
educators are aware that punishment, consequences and threats are
counterproductive. Making children suffer is unlikely to help children become
ethical, compassionate decision makers </span><span style="color: #28323f; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">and </span><span style="color: #28323f; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">generates anger, defiance, and a desire for revenge, it
models the use of power rather than reason and ruptures the important
relationship between adult and child. Carrots in the form of rewards,
incentives and praise, turn out to be no more effective than sticks at helping
children to become caring, responsible people or lifelong, self-directed
learners. So </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">why do rewards fail.? When anything is presented as a
prerequisite for something else - do this task and you can get that – the
task comes to be seen as less desirable. Rewards are usually experienced as
controlling and we </span><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">don't like it when the things we </span><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">desire </span><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">are used </span><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">as levers to control our behaviors.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"> There is a
tendency to associate any success to the reward and without the reward the
person would not have done the task.</span><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"> </span><span style="color: #28323f; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">The message the child infers is, “This must be
something I wouldn’t want to do; otherwise they wouldn’t have to bribe me to do
it or praise me when I do it </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">or the activity itself is not worth doing for its own
sake , so the only reason I am doing it is for the reward.</span><span style="color: #28323f; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">”
Thus </span><b><span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Rewards reduce interest and intrinsic
motivation in</span></b><b><span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"> the </span></b><b><span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">task</span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">. Extrinsic motivation co-opts intrinsic motivation
and this is most profound when rewards are stopped, as kids have no longer a
reason to do the task. Kids who were invited to play with another child so that
they could get access to his toys or were offered cookies for playing with the
child, were less interested in playing with the other child on future
occasions. Studies showed when kids were received a reward for evaluating
puzzles or an unknown drink, those who did not receive a reward developed a
taste for the drink and did not want to stop playing with the puzzles, while
those who were offered the reward stopped playing as soon as they received the
reward and when offered free drinks at a later date, those who were paid to
drink, did not take up the offer while those who did not receive the reward
took the free drinks. </span><span style="color: #28323f; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Students, meanwhile, become less excited about learning
once they’ve been given a grade or some other reward. The focus is now on
extrinsic performance goals rather than finding interest, purpose and meaning
in the learning. </span><span style="color: #28323f; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Kids will only learn for a test and if work is graded. This
leads</span><span style="color: #28323f; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"> to avoiding challenging tas</span><span style="color: #28323f; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">ks and has a negative
effect on </span><span style="color: #28323f; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">creative thinking, long-term retention, and internalization.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"> Awards
for attendance to counter increasing absenteeism have the opposite effect.
While attendance increases at the beginning because of the chance of getting
award, the effect wears off and when the awards are no longer given, attendance
decreases. Even when awards for attendance were given unexpectedly for good
attendance, attendance thereafter decreased. Giving kids an award for
attendance instead of helping them find good reasons to want to come to school not
only reduces interest but has also gives the unintended message that they are
better than the norm and this gives them a license to miss school in the
future. Just like praising a kid for effort gives a message that he is a loser so
does giving an award for something expected like attendance. </span><b style="background-color: transparent; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Rewards are addictive</span></b><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: left;"> -<span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #222222;">The problem with rewards is that they are addictive and kids become very
dependent on them. The only reason why kids do or do not do things is to get a
reward or avoid punishment. Because kids are so unmotivated we repeatedly need
to offer rewards which again reduces interest in the task. The problem is also
that when rewards co-opt intrinsic motivation and preclude intrinsic
satisfaction, the extrinsic needs become stronger in themselves. Thus people
develop stronger extrinsic needs as substitutes for more basic, unsatisfied
needs. They end up behaving as if they were addicted to extrinsic rewards. The
claim that we need to use rewards because a task is uninteresting or kids are
unmotivated is just fueling the situation and the last thing we should be doing
is giving rewards because they undermine interest. Promising a reward to
someone who is unmotivated or demotivated is like offering salt water to
someone who is thirsty, it's not the solution, it's the problem. Rewards do
motivate. Rewards motivate kids to get more rewards. </span></span><b style="background-color: transparent; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Rewards impact negatively on achievement </span></b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: left;">Groups that were rewarded if they were successful at
solving a puzzle, writing a poem or doing something creatively did worse than
those who received no reward.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #28323f; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: left;"> When people put off doing something — which often happens when
a task seems unappealing — a reward offered for finishing early either didn’t
help or actually led to increased procrastination.</span><b style="background-color: transparent; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"> Rewards interfere with moral and spiritual
development, commitment to values. </span></b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #28323f; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: left;">A number of studies, for
example, have shown that children are apt to become less concerned about
others’ well-being if they were rewarded earlier for helping or sharing.</span><b style="background-color: transparent; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"> </span></b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #28323f; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: left;">When the rewards stop, people usually return to the way they
acted before the program to promote being generous and sharing began. Children
whose parents make frequent use of rewards tend to be less generous than their
peers. A child promised a treat for being generous and acting responsibly has
been given every reason to stop doing so when there is no longer a reward to be
gained. Rewards promote cheating to get more rewards. Kids learn to ask what
will I get or with punishments, what will be done to me, instead of asking what
kind of person do I want to be, does my behavior reflect my values?. </span><b style="background-color: transparent; text-align: left;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Rewards
ignore reasons</span></b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #28323f; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: left;">. Instead of helping children find meaning and reasons why they should
do certain things or behave, their motivation becomes the reward. Instead of
dealing with underlying problems we give rewards which only get temporary compliance
and only compensate for lagging skills. Rewards don't teach skills.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: left;"> </span><b style="background-color: transparent; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Rewards punish</span></b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #28323f; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: left;">. The carrot becomes the stick when kids don't get
the reward. Rewards punish because they are experienced as controlling. </span><b style="background-color: transparent; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Rewards rupture relationships</span></b><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: left;"> -They focus on individualism; create competition and
conflict between kids where complaints of unequal treatment and playing
favorites are common. It interferes with efforts to promote collaboration,
cooperative learning and a sense of community which improves the quality of
learning.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-align: left;"> <span style="color: #222222;">Rewards also
interfere with a genuine and trusting relationship with a teacher where a
kid feels safe to be open, expose his vulnerability, admit mistakes and ask for
help when problems develop. It is the judgmental nature of rewards and praise
that encourages kids to try and impress and curry favor with the person handing
out the rewards. Rewards are a tool for ' doing to ' kids, control and
manipulation through seduction, rather than ' working with ' kids in an
unconditional way. Kids feel valued and accepted only if they behave as they
are told and do well in school.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #28323f; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">A discussion focusing on informational feedback and
encouragement for future progress is much better than praise or a reward. Rewards
like those given on computer games are experienced as informational revealing kid's
level of competence and future opportunities available to improve competence support
intrinsic motivation. Perceived competence only helps intrinsic motivation when
the kid feels autonomous. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Children are
likely to become enthusiastic, lifelong learners when the focus is on
competence and not performance and competition as a result of being provided
with an engaging curriculum; a safe, caring community in which to discover and
create; and a significant degree of choice about what and how and why they are
learning. </span><span style="color: #28323f; font-family: "Arial",sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-91594825220543827312019-07-05T06:24:00.002-07:002020-02-15T11:26:38.006-08:00An introduction to Collaborative and Pro-active solutions<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Collaborative and Pro-active solutions , originally known as the
Collaborative Problem solving approach was created by Ross Greene , and can be
accessed through his books and non-profit organization Lives in the Balance.
CPS can be described as a model of care in which adults work with children in a
respectable and compassionate way , to improve cooperation and solve problems
that give rise to challenging behavior and in the process facilitate the
acquisition of important life skills . The focus is not on behaviors , but the
underlying problems and lagging skills that give rise to those behaviors. <span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #373737;">Unlike other models which are informed
by behaviorism , CPS does not believe that challenging behavior is caused by
passive, permissive , inconsistent parenting,
or parents not being firm , assertive ,consistent or contingent enough ,
rewarding good behavior and punishing bad behavior. Challenging behavior occurs
when the demands placed on kids outstrip their skills to react in a flexible ,
adaptable way and problem solve. These lagging skills </span> can be viewed as a developmental delay in the
general domains of flexibility/ adaptability, frustration tolerance, and
problem solving<span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #373737;"> . The mantra of
CPS is that children do well if they can and not children do well if they want
to. Kids prefer to do well than not to do well , we don't have to bribe them to
wanna behave and succeed .Only kids that have been rejected and have had their
concerns ignored so long by adults and
have lost hope of any adult taking their concerns seriously seem not to care
any more. It might be appropriate to bribe a kid to overcome a refusal to participate in a worth while and beneficial
activity. Rewards might appear to work, but they just compensate for the
lagging skills , don't teach skills and get in the way of dealing with problems
because for sure a reward won't fix a
problem. Rewards undermine intrinsic motivation and any impact is only
short-term. In fact the CPS process itself is rewarding for child, in that the child and his concerns are taken
seriously and problems get in the way of his success are being solved. If the
CPS model is concerned about lagging skills , how does it differ from other
approaches that teach lagging skills in a top down manner and use rewards to
reinforce these skills. ? These approaches focus on teaching skills in order to
fix the child , so his behaviors are appropriate. CPS believes that skills must
be taught in the context of unsolved problems. The child does not always
exhibit lagging skills except in situations, conditions where the expectations
and demands placed on him outstrip his skills to behave adaptively. Secondly ,
we don't want a situation typical of traditional ' doing to " approaches </span><span style="color: #1d2129;">where all the unsolved solved problems in the child's
world never get solved because we were too busy fixing the child. </span><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #373737;"> CPS is not trying to
fix the kid so he meets adult's expectations but to solve the problem from the
child's as well as the adult's perspective . <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #373737; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Education and parenting is very much
about creating structure either by using
Plan A , imposing adult will , Plan B – collaborating with children and Plan C –
putting certain expectations for the time being on the shelf. CPS does not conflate
structure with control , so structure , boundaries , values, guiding principles,
expectations of a family or school are
worked out together in discussion with children. Problems are solved the same
was, </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">collaboratively
using Plan B so the kid is a fully invested participant, solutions are more
durable, and (over time) the kid -- and often the adults as well -- learn the
skills they were lacking all along. Plan B is comprised of three basic
ingredients. The first ingredient – called the Empathy step – involves
gathering information from the child so as to achieve the clearest
understanding of his or her concern or perspective on a given unsolved problem.
The second ingredient (called the Define Adult Concerns step) involves entering
into consideration the adult concern or perspective on the same unsolved
problem. The third ingredient (called the Invitation step) involves having the
adult and kid brainstorm solutions so as to arrive at a plan of action that is
both realistic and mutually satisfactory…in other words, a solution that addresses
the concerns of both parties and that both parties can actually perform. <span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #373737;">Plan B is best done pro-actively. After
listing a child's lagging skills in the context of unsolved problems ( the
lagging skill is to ensure that we are wearing the right lenses , that children
do well if they can and not children do well if they want to) , we prioritize
and select problems 2 or 3 problems that are high priority like safety or
problems that are causing the most disruption, to work on . We Plan C other problems
by putting them in the meantime on the shelf. Dropping some of our expectations
is important to reduce conflict and negative interactions and create a calmer
atmosphere that allows for building of connection and trust. Plan B is more
successful when there is connection and a good feeling between parent and
child. Plan A is when the parent in a unilateral way imposes his will on the
child. </span>Plan A , the use of power increases the likelihood of challenging
episodes and won’t solve any problems durably.</span><span dir="RTL" lang="HE" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #373737; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #373737; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The CPS
model is recognized as an empirically-supported, evidence-based effective
treatment. </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The question "
effective for what " needs to be asked. It goes beyond targeting behaviors
, a parents' need for discipline and control. It meets the criteria of Self
Determination theory that children's well-being is supported when their needs for autonomy – feeling self-directed and
intrinsically motivated , competence and
relatedness are supported. This means that all children, not only challenging
kids deserve to be taken seriously, treated in a respectable, compassionate
manner and their needs addressed. The child's autonomy is supported because his
perspective and concerns are important, and need to be articulated . The child
is part of the solutions , generating choice rather than choosing solutions
which the adult has laid out. Parents report that they feel it is the first
time they have been heard as kids are now listening to their concerns. The
process teaches both adult and child many skills in an indirect way. They both
learn to articulate concerns and perspective, listen to others , empathy ,take perspectives
of others, seeing how your behavior impacts on others ,conflict resolution , problem
solving –clarifying concerns, define a problem and try to find mutually
satisfying , realistic solutions that requires skills such as planning,
foresight , hindsight etc. The approach promotes communication , connection ,
belonging , caring for others and feeling that you matter. Boundaries and limits
are important for children. Parents and teachers are actually setting
boundaries in a collaborative way when their concerns are being addressed by
the mutually satisfying solution. The model promotes socio-moral learning and commitment
to values as kids learn to set their own
boundaries and take into account how their behavior impacts on others. In a sense Plan A can be viewed as the adult
being the authority figure and imposing his will on children. For sure there
will be times and situations that demand this, of course with an explanation, but
children are more likely to accept parents' decisions because they know that
parents take into account their concerns when making decisions that affect
them. Leadership and being authoritative are expressed using Plan B and not
Plan A. One's authority is not derived
from one's status as the authority figure but because of one's personality and
leadership qualities that enable one to work with people, guide them, solve
problems in a collaborative way, influence and inspire them. CPS enables our
children and even more so the challenging ones to be the catalyst and source of
enormous emotional growth, empowerment and leadership. In fact the research (
Greene 2004) shows that parents who were
trained in using CPS felt that they were much better at setting boundaries than
parents who received PMT – Parent management that helps parents achieve
compliance by being more assertive and contingent
. CPS is simple but not easy to do , but these skills are always being learned
on the way. Education is a process , but the journey of consensual living is
worth the effort and commitment .</span><span dir="RTL" lang="HE" style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-20569549317532150052016-11-30T00:48:00.000-08:002018-08-16T00:39:48.856-07:00Choice and Self-Determination and the Collaborative Problem solving Model <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;">The subject of choice and
being self-determined is important for helping kids buy into the Collaborative
problem solving model<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;">As kids grow , and it can
be as little as 2 year old with their NO..s and teenagers in their attempts to gain independence , the
ability and the opportunity to make choices and exercise autonomy is important. Often because
their autonomy is thwarted in controlling schools they seek to reclaim it in
non- appropriate ways in the home or outside of school.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;">However when we look at
life there seems to be very little opportunity to exercise or generate choices.
Even as adults we are subject to the authority of a boss or at least in many
relationships we don't have individual choice but we make choices together with
spouses, family members, kids, fellow employees etc. So in the context of
family, community,work, friends etc , it seems clear that what must
occasionally be restricted is not choice but individual choice. Cooperation
opens up the way to so many more opportunities and choices despite the fact
that individual choice may be compromised in some areas. We need to talk in the
plural – we need to , or our problem , our choices.</span><span style="font-size: 13.0pt;"> And even if we are pursuing our individual choices we
need to take into account the perspectives and concerns of others. We also take
into account the concerns of others because of who we are. As the Sage Hillel
said – if I am not for myself , who will be for me and if I am only for myself –
who am I ? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.0pt;">Kids' choice
will depend on maturity and level of development. We won't give car keys to a
child , put sugar and other unhealthy food on the table , allow unrestricted
and unsupervised screen time or no bedtime- sleep schedule because it is not developmentally appropriate
and does not serve or meet the developmental needs of kids. What kids want and desire does not mean that it
meets their true needs and is good for them . And it is for this reason that their
choices and autonomy must be limited and thwarted. However , we can invite kids
to participate in the decision making, generating choices and solving problems
in a collaborative way. In this way we support their autonomy ,set limits together with them and they thus learn to set limits for themselves, to take life principles and derive a limit
from the situation itself <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.0pt;">We are often
told , that we don't have much choice and in the main the choice we do have is
how we respond to situations. Now we can respond in many ways – we can respond
in a way that we feel controlled, threatened,
no choice – we have to be compliant , if not we suffer the consequences
or we do something because of the prize , praise or some other extrinsic
motivation. We can be controlled by desires, wants, feelings of anxiety, being
controlled by the inside – the need to please , workaholic etc. Or we can respond in a way ,
that shows our autonomy , that we are authors of our actions and self-determined.
When we are subjected to a security check at the airport , we do it in an
autonomous way , because we believe this is the way to ensure safety . We are self-determined when we endorse any
action at the highest level of reflection. It means being connected to your
inner-being. Many of the things kids say , are said when they are not connected
to their inner beings or being self-determined but merely seeking the path of
least resistance , no deep reflection.
Autonomy has nothing to do with independence or being able to choose
what to do. It is making sure , that we become the authors of our actions and
feel self-determined . For sure , there will be times that we feel less
intrinsically motivated , and still we
do these things <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-5478306857129427452015-10-11T06:07:00.002-07:002015-10-11T06:08:25.542-07:00self compassion <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Self compassion is said to be one of the important skill sets that a person needs in order to become more reslient and get back on track after some set back or failure. Using mindfulness techniques we treat success and failure as information so without being judgmental we can go forward and solve problems<br />
<br />
<a href="http://tinyurl.com/ot5tkm8">http://tinyurl.com/ot5tkm8</a><br />
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-53940568138045153392015-07-27T00:03:00.004-07:002015-07-27T00:03:56.326-07:00The Blessing of B minus - Wendy Mogel <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Here
are my comments on a review of Wendy Morgel's book – The blessing of a B minus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">http://www.essentialkids.com.au/younger-kids/kids-behaviour-and-discipline/10-signs-youre-over-parenting-your-child-20150724-giir54.html<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> While the book is against parents who are
controlling and over-parent, the so-called helicopter parents, the advice
shared in the article is still focused on getting your child to meet your
expectations rather than supporting his autonomy. An appreciation of Dr Ross Greene's
CPS, will allow parents to work with their kids and set limits with their kids
so both concerns, the kids and the parents are addressed by mutually satisfying
solutions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">1 Mogel
suggests freedom should be granted based on a child's demonstrated
responsibility and accountability.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Why
not work with your kid and collaborate so that your concerns for safety, moral
values etc and your teenager's concerns will be addressed by a mutually
satisfying solution.<o:p></o:p></div>
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2 <span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Instead
of critiquing everyday marks, appreciate your child's persistence and hard work,</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Instead
of Praising hard work and persistence,</span> try to help the child focus on
what he is learning and develop a love for learning <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">3 - You
find it hard to say No .Work up the courage to say no, is Mogel's advice. You
don't always need to reach a consensus.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Saying
No = being controlling unless you have a very good reason is not optimal
parenting. There is no problem in reaching a consensus if the parent's concerns
are being met.<o:p></o:p></div>
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4
You do everything for your child <o:p></o:p></div>
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Are
you doing everything what you want your child to do when the child should be
doing what you want from them? Or could
you be supportive and helpful and promote the child's autonomy and
interdependence.<o:p></o:p></div>
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5 <span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">You try
to fix the child. 'Don't fret over or try and fix what's not broken.'</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Yes,
but why focus on the kid and say she needs no fixing and just say focus on your
relationship and be supportive.<o:p></o:p></div>
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6 <strong><span style="background: white; border: none windowtext 1.0pt; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0cm; padding: 0cm;">You talk more
than you listen<o:p></o:p></span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="background: white; border: none windowtext 1.0pt; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-weight: normal; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0cm; padding: 0cm;">Good advice here,</span></strong><b> </b>she says parents should listen
x 4 than they speak <o:p></o:p></div>
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7. <strong><span style="background: white; border: none windowtext 1.0pt; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0cm; padding: 0cm;">You leap
quickly into alarm mode <o:p></o:p></span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="background: white; border: none windowtext 1.0pt; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-weight: normal; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0cm; padding: 0cm;">She says don't be alarmed if the kid does not make the hockey team ,
see it as a challenge , maybe be less controlling and say being in the hockey
team is not that important.<o:p></o:p></span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="background: white; border: none windowtext 1.0pt; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-weight: normal; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0cm; padding: 0cm;">8</span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; border: none windowtext 1.0pt; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0cm; padding: 0cm;"> You let your child quit quickly</span></strong><o:p></o:p></div>
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This
implies that you should be more controlling and not let the kid quit. Although
she says that you should hear your child's concerns and consider them, why not
try to address these concerns so the child will be willing to continue.<o:p></o:p></div>
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9
and 10 -<strong><span style="background: white; border: none windowtext 1.0pt; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0cm; padding: 0cm;">You constantly compare your kids with others- </span></strong><span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="background: white; border: none windowtext 1.0pt; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0cm; padding: 0cm;"> </span></b></span><strong><span style="background: white; border: none windowtext 1.0pt; color: #333333; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0cm; padding: 0cm;">Your child has
no time to play – no problem here </span></strong><o:p></o:p></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-10157290961213963262014-08-19T08:48:00.002-07:002017-11-17T02:01:52.851-08:00Relationship Development Intervention - RDI and Motivation <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.399999618530273px;">Here is my critique on a blog giving <a href="http://www.teachthought.com/teaching/21-simple-ideas-to-improve-student-motivatio/">21 simple ideas as how to improve student motivation</a> – how to motivate students. This list includes ideas that foster intrinsic motivation- IM and extrinsic motivators – EM like praise, rewards, and positive competition. The first problem is that the author lumps extrinsic and intrinsic motivation together which implies that 2 motivations – intrinsic and extrinsic are better than one, better than intrinsic motivation alone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.399999618530273px;">The reason behind this is that the purpose and goals of these teachers are to get students to work harder, put in more effort in attaining measurable goals and success. The focus is on student achievement and the means are to use both intrinsic and extrinsic motivators. The reality is and this is well researched that extrinsic motivators and intrinsic motivators work in different directions. Ems undermines IM and interest in the subject and task and also the quality of work is affected in a negative way. Ems focuses on extrinsic performance goals which undermine intrinsic goals such as Mastery and Competence. Mastery and Competence are not achieved by focusing on test scores and learning for the test, but an intrinsic desire to become more engaged in ones' passions and interests and master them so that the student can share their learning and teach others. Performance goals feed extrinsic needs for status, fame, approval and to be better than others. The learning is much more superficial and does not meet the intrinsic needs of students. Ems are very powerful. A recent study of cadets at the West Point academy showed that cadets with High IM and High EM did much worse in all categories than those with high IM and low EM. Teachers who focus on IM help kids to experience success or failure as information and focus on what they doing, on the ' process' of learning and not on how well they are doing-' achievement'. They purpose is to help kids be long life learners engaged in their passions and interests and in this context the best and real learning takes place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.399999618530273px;">Understanding the above distinction between IM and EM is important for parents and caregivers advocating RDI – Relationship Development Interventions for challenging kids. The question often asked is why shouldn't I combine approaches - use both IM and EM, or in other words use combine RDI - a working with approach, with ABA – a ' doing to ' approach.?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18.399999618530273px;">The correct answer is that it depends on the child. In truth a combination is problematic because RDI is about process – guided participation, relationship and dynamic skills. Using extrinsic motivators ABA is about achievement, static skills and compliance. Relationship is a goal and a skill to be learned. Behaviorists see relationship as an extrinsic motivator. If you have a good relationship with your kid, he is more likely to comply with your requests and in the words of an ADHD expert make your rewards and consequences more effective. Kathy Darrow, a RDI expert described how rewards undermine and interfere with relationship. Her kid took the rewards and went to play with them by himself, running away from ' relationship'. The teacher Joe Bower says – Assessment is not a rubric, it is a conversation. We want kids to learn to self-asses, share their thoughts on their work with the teacher and talk not only about the past, but how his project impacts on future learning. Kids become responsible by making decisions and not by simply following instructions. With ' guided participation' kids learn to identify both the concerns and perspectives of others and themselves, come up with possible solutions and make decisions that are mutually satisfactory. With ' top-down / doing to ' models of parenting and teachers talk about kids acting responsibly, but this means being compliant and following instructions. Their autonomy is not respected or supported, competence goals are substituted for superficial ' performance goals ', intrinsic motivation for extrinsic motivation and the relationship between kid and care giver is top-down and controlling mainly through seduction – rewards and candy. RDI supports the needs for autonomy, competence including the important skill of relationship and the need for relationship and belonging. Supporting these needs makes a kid self-determined and intrinsically motivated. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-21134170446711164222014-07-02T22:57:00.003-07:002014-07-02T22:57:46.041-07:00Rewards are addictive <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The problem with rewards
is that they are addictive and kids become very dependent on them. The only reason why kids d or do not do
things is to get a reward or avoid punishment. Because kids are so unmotivated
we repeatedly need to offer rewards which again reduces interest in the task. The
problem is also that when rewards co-opt intrinsic motivation and preclude
intrinsic satisfaction , the extrinsic needs become stronger in themselves. Thus
, people develop stronger extrinsic needs as substitutes for more basic , unsatisfied needs….
They end up behaving as if they were addicted to extrinsic rewards. The claim
that we need to use rewards because a
task is uninteresting or kids are unmotivated is just fueling the situation and
the last thing we should be doing is giving rewards because they undermine
interest. Promising a reward to someone who is unmotivated or demotivated is
like offering salt water to someone who is thirsty, it's not the solution it's
the problem. Rewards , do motivate.
Rewards motivate kids to get more rewards. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-14395042624673796102014-07-02T11:19:00.000-07:002019-07-08T07:08:32.377-07:00The reasons why Rewards Fail <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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In his book Punished by Rewards<a href="http://www.alfiekohn.org/index.php">Alfie Kohn</a> explains why rewards fail.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The are 2 major reasons why rewards fail. <o:p></o:p></div>
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A When anything is presented as a prerequisite for something else - do this task and you can get that – the task
comes to be seen as less desirable <o:p></o:p></div>
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B Rewards are usually experienced as controlling and we tend to recoil
from situations where our autonomy is diminished even if we wanted the 'goody'.<br />
<br />
here are links to problems caused by rewards taken from AK's book , PBR , an idea from Dan Ariely on social and econmic norms and from my spiritual world an idea on spiritual development and rewards </div>
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<a href="http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.co.il/2014/07/rewards-reduce-interest-in-tasks.html">Rewards reduce interest in tasks </a><br />
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<a href="http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.co.il/2014/07/rewards-are-addictive.html">Rewards are Addictive </a><br />
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<a href="http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.co.il/2014/07/rewards-interfere-with-moral-and.html">Rewards interfere with Moral and Spiritual development and Learning </a><br />
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<a href="http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.co.il/2014/07/rewards-and-achievement.html">Rewards and Achievement </a> - Rewards undermine the quality of work<br />
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<a href="http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.co.il/2014/07/rewards-punish.html">Rewards Punish </a><br />
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<a href="http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.co.il/2014/07/rewards-rupture-relationships.html">Rewards rupture relationships </a><br />
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<a href="http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.co.il/2014/07/rewards-ignore-reasons.html">Rewards ignore Reasons </a><br />
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-38936210527015798662014-07-02T09:57:00.001-07:002014-07-02T11:26:01.750-07:00Rewards reduce interest in tasks<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> When
some task is presented as prerequisite for something else- that is, a means
towards some other end- the task comes to be seen as less desirable. It also
conveys the message to the kid, that if teachers have to bribe him to do this,
it must be something that he wouldn't want to do, and/ or the activity itself
is not worth doing for its own sake. The only reason he is doing it is for the
reward. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Kids who were invited to play with another
child so that they could get access to his toys or were offered cookies for
playing with the child, were less interested in playing with the other child on
future occasions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; font-size: 13pt;">In one representative
study, young children were introduced to an unfamiliar beverage called kefir.
Some were just asked to drink it; others were praised Those children who
received either verbal or tangible rewards consumed more of the beverage than
other children, as one might predict. But a week later these children found it
significantly less appealing than they did before, whereas children who were
offered no rewards liked it just as much as, if not more than, they had earlier</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">There is a story of an elderly man who was
harassed and insulted by a crowd of 10 year olds as they passed his house on
their way home from school. One afternoon after listening to their insults –
how stupid, bald and ugly he was , he came up with a plan. He announced to the
kids that if they came back tomorrow he would pay them a dollar each for their
efforts. Amazed and excited they arrived even earlier and began throwing
insults with much fervor. The old man , true to his word paid everyone his
dollar. He then announced – do the same tomorrow and you will get 25 cents for your trouble. The
kids thought that it was still worth their while and came back the following
day to taunt him .At the first catcall, he walked over with his quarters paid
off his hecklers. From now on, he announced I can only give you a penny for
doing this. The kids looked at each
other in disbelief. ' A penny – forget it ' and they never came back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Two groups of kids were asked to evaluate and
give their opinions about a collection of puzzles after playing with them for
half an hour. One group was paid by the company for their time. When the half
an hour was up , all but one of the kids from the reward group stopped playing
with the puzzles . Kids from the non-reward group had to be pulled away from
the puzzles. Rewards got in the way of the kids developing any interest and
intrinsic reward in doing the puzzles.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-5601333258213638362014-07-02T09:54:00.002-07:002014-07-02T11:13:31.616-07:00Rewards and Achievement.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Rewards are very powerful in the short-term in
getting people to behave in the way, you want them to act. People may actually
feel more focused, but the focus is typically more narrow than when no
rewards are involved. This helps only in doing manual jobs where little
thinking is involved. However rewards change in a negative manner the way we
engage in a given behavior. We do exactly what is necessary to get the reward
and reach the desired goal and no more. So we are less likely to notice or
remember things that are not immediately relevant to what we are doing. Kids
were given different colored cards and had to memorize all the words. The kids
were unexpectedly asked to recall the color of the card that corresponds to
each word. Kids who were promised a prize had more difficulty in remembering as
rewards undermine this 'incidental learning '. In another experiment ,one group
of people were asked to do a task , and another group were promised
a reward for doing the same task well.
The group that was not promised a reward did much better. Also people who were
promised bigger sums of money did worse than those who were promised small sums
of money. The explanation is that problem solving and non-manual tasks need
more exploratory and creative thinking and so need a wider focus.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; text-align: left;">A salary is not a reward but ' compensation' for
work put in. And still if employers want to promote creativity and excellence
that must pay well and then do their best to take their employees minds off
money. </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Rewards narrow our focus. Creativity is stifled because people need to feel
self-directed and autonomous and people experience rewards as controlling. The objective
is to succeed in obtaining the reward with as little effort as possible. So
people will choose easier tasks avoid risk taking and challenging ones and spend the least amount of
time as possible. Rewards are problematic even when used with tasks that are
less interesting than others. Not only do they reduce interest in the task
itself but also in strategies for
reconfiguring a dull task and brightening it up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-22794269825812175982014-07-02T09:53:00.003-07:002014-07-02T09:53:33.264-07:00Rewards Punish <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Rewards are used to elicit behaviors which would
not naturally occur. The message is Do this and you'll get that, which is not
much different – Do this and this is what will happen to you. Rewards punish
because they are controlling .Even if the kid wants the rewards but they
experience it as controlling, the experience assumes a punitive quality. The
carrot becomes the stick when kids do not get rewards that they were hoping
for. And when everything a kid gets is either a reward or a privilege when he
does not behave he is punished by losing his privilege or reward.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-69185041321272141372014-07-02T09:50:00.001-07:002014-07-02T09:55:19.603-07:00Rewards rupture relationships.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">They focus on individualism; create
competition and conflict between kids where complaints of unequal treatment and
playing favorites are common. It interferes with efforts to promote
collaboration, cooperative learning and a sense of community which improves the
quality of learning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Rewards also interfere with a genuine and
trusting relationship with a teacher where a kid feels safe to be open, expose
his vulnerability, admit mistakes and ask for help when problems develop. It is
the judgmental nature of rewards and praise that encourages kids to try and
impress and curry favor with the person handing out the rewards. Rewards are a
tool for ' doing to ' kids, control and manipulation through seduction, rather
than ' working with ' kids in an unconditional way. Kids feel valued and
accepted only if they behave as they are told and do well in school.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-75782181746530425172014-07-02T09:49:00.001-07:002019-07-08T12:21:01.420-07:00Rewards ignore reasons.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">The traditional approach to problems with
behavior and learning is to make the kid 'wanna behave and put more effort into
learning by giving rewards and incentives. Rewards are appealing because they
are simple to use and don't require any attention to the reasons why the
trouble developed in the first place. Dr Ross Greene, the originator of
the CPS collaborative problem solving approach says kids are already motivated,
they would rather do well, be flexible and adaptive than are failures. We need
to ask not how to motivate them, but what's getting in their way. The research
shows that rewards caused more stress and anxiety and caused the very problems
they were supposed to treat. Instead we need to address the underlying
problems, the lagging skills and unmet emotional needs of the kid etc...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-49160637730777017652014-07-02T09:47:00.000-07:002014-09-15T01:24:01.912-07:00Rewards interfere with moral and spiritual development and learning<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Rewards interfere with moral and spiritual
development, commitment to values and a love of learning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When a teacher reminds a class of the ' worth
' of an assignment towards a grade – instead of 'worth in terms of its meaning
' or a parent asks a child what he ' got' on a paper – rather than what he got
from the act of writing it , kids are taught they go to school to get grades
and not to become long-life learners</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When discipline is achieved by using rewards
and consequences kids are not taught to reflect on how their behavior impacts
on others and the community but ask what will I get or what will be done to me
if I behave in a certain way. Also rewards are used in character education and
promoting religious values.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If our goal is to teach them , that the reward
of a good deed is the deed itself why give rewards ? Rewards might change
behavior in the short-term, but this is without any change or an emotional
commitment to the underlying value behind the behavior.</span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">.</span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background: white; font-size: 14pt;"> </span></span><span style="background: white; font-size: 14pt;">A child promised a treat
for learning or acting responsibly has been given every reason to stop doing so
when there is no longer a reward to be gained.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> C</span><span style="background: white; font-size: 14pt;">hildren whose parents make frequent use of
rewards tend to be less generous than their peers</span>.<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">.
A school tried to encourage kids to return lost articles or money found in
school or on the playground by rewarding them. All of a sudden , kids were
finding so many coins on the playground. So we see how rewards promote immoral
behavior.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dan Ariely explains that when we use rewards
we change social norms – pro-social reasons for behaving in a certain way and
doing good deeds into economic norms. Not only is the reward presented to kids
as the desired object , but kids learn
to convert social and spiritual norms into economic terms. We should be
educating children to convert money and goods into spiritual deeds. We can use '
goodies' not as incentives but to give learning and pro-social activities an
association of joy and happiness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We should be helping kids to think in the following way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A man who was about to go overseas for while approached his
neighbor's 10 year old son. He asked him to look after his dog, take him
for walks etc while he was away on holiday.</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: HE; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">He asked the kid - How much ? </span><span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: HE; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">The
kid - I am willing to pay $15</span></div>
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</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Instead of rewards, grades and competition, we can create an
environment which focuses on making learning intrinsically valuable in the
context of a caring family or community of learners by adopting the 4 Cs of
intrinsic motivation – Community- Cooperative learning, Choice- autonomy
,Content- engaging curriculum and Competence.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Here the reward for a good deed is the deed
itself and how it contributes to the community. The reward for cooperative -
learning is how it gives us more understanding, richness and meaning to our
lives and those of our peers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-32979027297655365612014-06-17T08:29:00.003-07:002014-06-17T08:32:55.100-07:00Parenting approaches – What questions should we be asking?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">I always ask the
following questions when reviewing a particular ' parenting approach '.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"> Is it a
' working with ' approach with children focusing on relationship and with
problems solved in a collaborative way or a 'doing to' approach focusing
enhancing parenting authority and control using behavior modification
techniques and extrinsic motivation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"> I also ask whether the child's needs for
autonomy, competence and relatedness are met with the particular approach.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"> The
starting point of each approach may be different. Collaborative Problem solving originated out
of a need to help challenging kids where traditional parenting and behavior
modification techniques were failing them because their problems were lagging
skills and not motivation. The CPS mantra is children do well if they can and
not children do well if they want to. Kids would prefer to be successful,
adaptable and flexible. While CPS does not use extrinsic motivation, intrinsic
motivation of the child is being supported because the needs of autonomy,
competence and relatedness are being met.? Other working with approaches like
Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting start out with an ' attachment
–relationship ' approach to parenting and focus on relationship and the
academic-socio-moral growth of the child. CPS is very much the HOW of the
'working with 'parenting approaches.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"> Parents will obviously benefit from knowledge
of various working with approaches as they complement each other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-47698417787006125692014-06-17T04:05:00.002-07:002015-05-31T22:22:45.901-07:00Collaborative Problem solving - Steven Covey 7 Habits for highly effective People <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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a particular ' parenting approach '. Is it a ' working with approach that addresses the
child's needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness or a 'doing to' approach
focusing on enhancing parental authority and control. Steven Covey's approach is clearly a working with approach that addresses the needs of kids.</span><br />
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How does the CPS approach fit in with Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly effective people.?</div>
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A habit is the intersection of knowledge – what to do and why with the Skill of how to do it and the Motivation preferably intrinsic to do it.<br />
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Habit I - Be Proactive</div>
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Traditional parenting is reactive offering rewards, consequences and punishments as a consequence of a behavior. CPS encourages Parents to be pro-active and solve problems that are predictably and frequently occurring with kids. In the heat of the moment is a bad time for engaging in CPS , ' out of the moment at an agreed time and place will ensure better discussion.</div>
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Habit 2- Begin with the End in Mind</div>
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Parents should have their long term goals for their goals and needs of their kids in mind. In particular CPS has the goal of solving problems in a way that is mutually satisfactory. However, parents must not go into the process with a preconceived ' solution ' and the belief that using Plan B= using CPS is the best way of getting kids to comply with their solution.</div>
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Habit 3- Put First Things First</div>
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First we make a list of lagging skills in the context of unsolved problems. We can't work on all problems at once , so parents need to prioritize 2-3 problems. The others we will put on the shelf = use Plan C , or the child's plan. Here we also reduce the number of negative interactions between parent and child. We need to plan as to how to use Plan B with the particular problem.<br />
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Habit 4- Think Win/Win</div>
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CPS is more than think win/win. We want mutually satisfactory solutions that address the concerns of both the parent and child , not just the solutions they presented.</div>
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Habit
5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.</div>
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The
first stage of the CPS process – the empathy stage focuses on gathering
information about the child's concerns. We need to forget all our 'theories'
about the child's concerns and why the child is behaving in such away. An
effective solution will depend on having a clear understanding of the child's
concerns and the child is more likely to ' hear' our concerns if he feels
understood and supported.</div>
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Habit
6 – Synergize</div>
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Synergy
occurs when we integrate all the other habits. The highest form of synergy occurs when we apply the 4 unique human endowments – self awareness ,conscience=our
morality, imagination=creativity, and independent will power- , the motive of
Win/Win and the skills of empathic communication to the toughest challenges of
life. In the CPS process Synergy allows us to move out of our comfort zones and
relinquish control , be more open to other solutions and begin to trust the new
developing relationship we have with the child.</div>
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Habit
7-Sharpen the Saw</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-language: HE; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Parenting is a very tough and messy. Parents need to nurture themselves and
take care of their physical, spiritual, mental and social/emotional needs.
Becoming better at CPS takes time , learning , practice and a belief that the
approach addresses the needs of your child and the family as a whole, promotes trust, relationship and bonding. </span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-32546902559338245772014-04-30T08:30:00.000-07:002014-05-03T23:08:41.726-07:00Talking does not help, I wish I could get him to listen ! <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I am sure most of you are familiar with these
words of desperation. I agree that talking does not help, but because the wrong
people are doing the talking and listening. Kids should be doing the talking
and reflecting and we the listening, guiding and challenging them with our
questions.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;"> <a href="http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents">The CPS - Collaborative Problem Solving approach </a> process
promotes relationship and many cognitive skills. But what happens if you try to
gather information about his concerns and perspectives and the kid answers – I
don't know. Here we need '<a href="http://www.livesinthebalance.org/sites/default/files/Drilling%20Strategies%20RG.pdf">Drilling down techniques</a>' to help us get a
clear understanding of the kid's concerns. And what happens if the kid tells
you to shut up or he does not want to talk about it, and then the CPS process
would begin with ' I have noticed that when I want to talk to you about
'homework' you are not keen to talk to me about it- what's up? And if the kid
still does not want to talk, we can focus on non-emotive general chatting. Here
we can build trust and connection and also introduce the CPS language of
concerns, perspective taking, mutually satisfactory solutions, family and
individual goals. Kids don't talk because it may be a trust issue, they see the
process as another way of parents imposing their will or find it difficult to
articulate or even define their concerns.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Some parents complained to the
Barbara Coloroso that their son used to listen to them, but know he is
involved in a bad crowd and he now listens to them. She answered – nothing has
changed – he used to listen to you, now he is listens to them. When kids do the
talking and reflecting they develop their own values. So let's listen to them
so that they will talk to us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-81488086099249248362014-02-05T02:36:00.001-08:002016-06-28T09:34:35.282-07:00KIPP and character education <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;">I had a recent discussion about KIPP prompted
by Barry Swartz's Ted talk </span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;"><a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_our_loss_of_wisdom.html">http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_our_loss_of_wisdom.html</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;">I liked
his idea of rules replacing moral thinking<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>.
</span>He however did not end so well praising KIPP schools which I am sure he
is unaware is an eg of 'pedagogy for the poor ' focusing on test prep - drill
'n skill - their character education is a combination of rules and incentives
to comply to the rules - more about being compliant than moral character
development . He spoke about respect for learning - kids need a love of
learning- to become life long learners - you respect the learning of others<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;">I
got the following response <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;">Saying KIPP's character education is just rules
& incentives is disingenuous. Here's what they write:<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;"><br />
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<span style="background: white;">"During each
school day, in every lesson and every interaction, we focus as much on developing
character – traits such as zest, grit, self-control, hope, love, gratitude,
social intelligence and humor – as we do on academic preparation. "</span><br />
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<span style="background: white;">Are "zest,
grit, self-control, hope, love, gratitude, social intelligence and humor"
considered "rules" in your book.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></div>
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A supportive review of Jay Mathews book defending KIPP </div>
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<a href="http://ny.chalkbeat.org/2009/02/02/jay-mathews-seven-myths-about-the-kipp-charter-schools/">http://ny.chalkbeat.org/2009/02/02/jay-mathews-seven-myths-about-the-kipp-charter-schools/</a></div>
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here is an article <a href="http://blogs.edweek.org/edweek/Bridging-Differences/2013/04/exploring_moral_development_de.html">http://blogs.edweek.org/edweek/Bridging-Differences/2013/04/exploring_moral_development_de.html</a> in KIPP schools. The article sounds great but when you solve
problems using extrinsic motivation rather than allowing kids to autonomously
engage in the moral act of restitution , you teach kids to think – what’s in it
for me – what will be done to me – what will I get and this trumps all lessons
on moral thinking and behavior </div>
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<o:p> </o:p>From an interview with Alfie Kohn</div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt;">Eric Gurna: Well, one of the founders, of KIPP
Charter Schools was at this particular conference, and he was describing his
school system and he said that his students go to school nine and a half to ten
hours per day, then go home with some homework, and then come to school on
Saturdays and over the summer too.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;"><br />
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<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Alfie Kohn: He
should be ashamed of what that does to children’s lives. This superficial
criticism of KIPP schools is “that’s not scalable; you’re not going to be able
to do that to enough kids and enough schools to make a difference from a public
policy perspective,” so any gains they get are atypical and un-replicable. I
wouldn’t send a dog to a KIPP school, the way they treat children. First of
all, ask the basic questions about what makes for a great school, the kind
you’d want to send your kid to. First, how much say do the kids have about what
they’re learning? To what extent are they brought in on the decision-making?
“How do we want our class to be?” If we need guidelines at a school level, kids
learn how to make good decisions, by making decisions.</span><br />
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<span style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">Let’s look at KIPP.
Even the teachers have limited discretion about what they do. Number two, do
they get the kind of great, again, interdisciplinary, team taught, student
directed, project based learning, where the point is to understand ideas from
the inside out, or is it all about showing better scores on bad tests? Third,
when there’s a problem, do you work with kids to try to solve the problem, or
do you bribe or threaten them to into mindless obedience? It’s about “work
hard, be nice”, and “nice” you get the sense contextually doesn’t mean a
compassionate, generous human being, it means “you do what you’re told, you
obey authority without questions, or else we publicly humiliate you,” and
conversely have a token economy program of the sort that was developed in
mental institutions some years ago. The program itself at its core, is
anti-child. The fact that they also believe that kids should be subject to it for
more hours in the day and the week is unsurprising and more depressing. Are
they able to pump up the test scores? I’m willing to stipulate that they can, a
lot of people have challenged that, because they also cherry-pick the students
and throw out the ones who aren’t going to make them look good. They say they
don’t. I’ve read people who have example after example where they do, but let’s
assume they don’t. Let’s assume you can turn a school into a factory, which is
what this is, where you reward or punish students into doing exactly what
they’re told, not questioning authority and becoming thinkers, and you make
them stay there long into the night, sacrificing social, moral, emotional,
artistic, physical development, all in the service of being socialized to
comply with authority and get better at taking test. I am willing to grant that
they can raise test scores. If they figured out a way to do this in the usual
six hour a day, five day a week thing, I’d still find it horrifying, but the
face that they are sucking up a lot of these kid’s childhoods by demanding
extra time adds insult to injury.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;">Put differently, those kids who can‘t handle
the ―choice</span><span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;">‖</span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;"> </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;"><br />
<span style="background: white;">to leave their
zoned public middle school are driven out of KIPP because either they can‘t
uphold the contract, or because they simply decide that 62% more school time,
two to three hours of busywork nightly, and the militaristic social climate is
just not for them. From <a href="http://www.jceps.com/PDFs/07-2-06.pdf">http://www.jceps.com/PDFs/07-2-06.pdf</a></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;">see what teachers are saying about KIPP<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;"><br />
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<span style="background: white;"><a href="http://www.schoolsmatter.info/2012/09/a-former-kipp-teacher-shares-her-story.html">http://www.schoolsmatter.info/2012/09/a-former-kipp-teacher-shares-her-story.html</a></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;">Character education the KIPP way is great -
great slogans and absolute obedience<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt;"><br />
<span style="background: white;">Knowledge is power
and power is money and I want more of it</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><a href="http://radicalscholarship.wordpress.com/2014/02/03/criticizing-kipp-critics/">http://radicalscholarship.wordpress.com/2014/02/03/criticizing-kipp-critics/</a></span></div>
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Molly Stern – comment from Bridging differences </div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #1a1414; font-size: 10.5pt;">Thank you for pressing the issue on
discipline in KIPP schools. I worked in a KIPP school in Brooklyn for almost a
year. I resigned midyear in large part because of the discipline issues that
you are bringing up in your letter. I also had major concerns about how the
administration was treating teachers (the teachers in the school where I worked
unionized the year that I was there), though that is another issue. Though I
worked primarily in a KIPP school in Crown Heights, part of my job required
that I regularly visit the other KIPP schools in New York, particularly KIPP
Infinity which is supposed to be a shining example of the KIPP model.</span><span style="color: #1a1414; font-size: 10.5pt;"><br />
<br />
<span style="background: white;">It dismays me that Mr. Witney did not
acknowledge the existence of public shaming in KIPP schools. I experienced forms
of public humiliation every time I was in a KIPP school. A few examples that I
have personally seen in KIPP schools (none of which were particularly extreme
in the context of how the schools were run) are students being forced to stand
outside of a group and "track the wall" (stare into a corner) for
talking out of turn, students being given demerits from their
"paychecks" publicly for things like lack of "self control"
(there are actually character categories in which kids receive demerits and
some teachers call out those categories as they're giving demerits), kids being
forced to sit on a bench at the end of the day and face the wall doing nothing
(this was called Wall Street), and whole groups of students being punished by
being forced to sit silently at lunch or in class for extended periods of time
because of the actions of one or two students with statements like, "Well
because so-and-so decided to speak out of turn, now we all have to sit here
silently." Even when all students were behaving in exactly the way that
was expected of them and therefore no shaming tactics were being employed to
control students, I was still horrified by the amount of time that students in
grades 5 through 8 were forced to be silent and were not allowed to express
themselves spontaneously.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #1a1414; font-size: 10.5pt;">I could go on about other things that I
found to be oppressive, but I'll leave it at that. I hope that Mr. Witney at
least addresses the disciplinary practices that are widely acknowledged and
used in KIPP schools as opposed to avoiding the issue by talking about how KIPP
schools that are functioning well feel.</span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-24609097766750018042013-12-23T03:14:00.000-08:002013-12-23T03:17:12.269-08:00Baumrind's Authoritative Parenting <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;">I have shared the <a href="http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.co.il/2013/12/differences-between-conditional-and.html">The differences between Conditional mand Unconditional Parenting </a> . What about Authoritative parenting.? Authoritative Parenting features in Baumrind schema of Parenting styles – Authoritarian , Permissive and in the middle Authoritative parenting style. The parenting author Myrna Shure whose books focus on problem solving said to me that her approach does not fit into any of the categories described by the Baumrind schema. It is clear that authoritative parenting= conditional parenting.</span></b></span><b><span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;">Dr Ross Greene was asked why he did not elaborate on Plan A techniques = helping parents impose their will in a more effective way. He replied that helping parents to make their kids more compliant will get in the way of parents becoming better collaborative problem solvers. When combining approaches kids get 2 different messages and it is confusing. When the going is tough parents tend to fall back on their old ways, because it is easier to punish, give consequences and rewards than to solve problems in a collaborative way<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;">'Authoritative<span class="apple-converted-space"> Parenting</span></span></b><span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;"> </span></b></span><b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;">-is defined as high in control and warmth; mature demands of and responsiveness to children; allows lots of discussion and considers children's opinions before making final decision; have set rules and guidelines; use rationale and logic when disciplining. <span class="apple-converted-space"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;">This sounds good but the reality is that when parents are highly controlling using rewards and punishments, the warmth and empathy becomes rather perfunctory and conditional and kids concerns are not taken seriously. Rules and guidelines are not formulated together with kids but in a unilateral way and discussions are usually about the logic of the 'imposed ' punishments and consequences.<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<span class="apple-converted-space"><b><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;">The proof is in Diana Baumrind on writing on parenting. It leans heavily on control through extrinsic motivation and warmth and love is conditional. In his book Unconditional Parenting and in the article<a href="http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/baumrind.htm">Rethinking Baumrind's autoritative parenting </a> Alfie Kohn writes the following.<o:p></o:p></span></b></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;"> She describes parenting as being "authoritarian" on one side, "permissive" on the other side, or "authoritative" (read: just right) in the middle. In reality, though, her favored approach, supposedly a blend of firmness and caring, is actually quite traditional and control-oriented -even if less so than Option 1. In fact, a close reading of Baumrind's research raises questions about the recommendations she offers, particularly her endorsement of "firm control."To begin with, Baumrind (1972) has argued against unconditional acceptance of children by their parents, declaring that "the rule of reciprocity, of paying for value received, is a law of life that applies to us all." She continues: "The parent who expresses love unconditionally is encouraging the child to be selfish and demanding" - suggesting that an economic model for human relationships may go hand-in-hand with a dim view of human nature. She also assumes that "structure" in the family requires the use of extrinsic motivators and "contingent reinforcement," which she strongly supports. She approves of spanking, dismisses criticisms of punishment as "utopian," and declares that parents who don't use power to compel obedience will be seen as "indecisive" (Baumrind 1996)<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;">Unfortunately, the research she cites to show that authoritative parenting works best doesn't support any of these positions. Her original findings were interpreted as proving that a combination of warmth and "firm control" (or "enforcement") was optimal. But another researcher who looked at the data carefully (Lewis 1981) discovered that the positive outcomes for children of authoritative parents didn't actually seem to be connected to the use of firm enforcement at all. Kids whose parents were warm but not controlling did just as well as kids whose parents were both - probably, she suggested, because control in the traditional sense isn't required to create structure and predictability as Baumrind (and many others) assumed. By the same token, Baumrind seemed to blur the differences between "permissive" parents who were really just confused and those who were deliberately democratic. There were no problems with the children of the latter parents, suggesting, in the words of another psychologist, that "a close look at Baumrind's actual data may reveal significant support for child-centered parenting" (Crain 2003) even though Baumrind has created a very different impression because she personally opposes that style. Subsequent research using Baumrind's formulation seems to support this view. A huge study of teenagers (Lamborn et al. 1991) did indeed find benefits from what was described as "authoritative" parenting, but that term was defined to mean that parents were aware of, and involved with, their children's lives, not that they were even the least bit punitive or controlling. Another study (Strage and Brandt) similarly cited Baumrind by way of suggesting that parents need to be both supportive and demanding, but it turned out that being demanding when their children were young was unrelated, or even negatively related, to various desirable outcomes. By contrast, the extent to which the parents had been supportive, and also the extent to which they had encouraged their children's independence, had a strong positive relationship to those same outcomes.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-50829715519565645292013-12-23T01:30:00.001-08:002019-06-15T21:41:53.698-07:00 Differences between Conditional and Unconditional Parenting<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b><u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Conditional
Parenting <o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Focus </span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> Behavior <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">View of Human nature</span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> Negative <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">View of Parental Love</span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> A privilege to be earned
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Strategies </span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> '' Doing to ''
- control via rewards , punishments etc <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Unconditional
Parenting <o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Focus </span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> Whole
child ( including reasons, thoughts, feelings )<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">View of Human nature</span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> Positive or balanced <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">View of Parental love</span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> A gift <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Strategies</span></b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> '' Working with '' ( collaborative problem solving )<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Conditional Parenting or Typical View of Difficult
Children:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "wingdings"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Guiding Philosophy: “Children do
well if they want to”. <b><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "wingdings"; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -18pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><span dir="LTR" style="text-indent: -18pt;"></span><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -18pt;">Explanation: Children’s difficult
behavior is attention-seeking or aimed at coercing adults into “giving in”.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "wingdings"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Goal of treatment: Induce
children to comply with adult directives.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "wingdings"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Tools of treatment: Use of reward
and punishment programs to give children incentive to improve behavior.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "wingdings"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Emphasis: <i>Reactive</i> focus on management of problematic behavior after it has
occurred. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Unconditional Parenting -Dr. Greene, Collaborative
Problem Solving Approach View:<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "wingdings"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Guiding Philosophy: “Children do
well if they can”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "wingdings"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Explanation: Children’s difficult
behavior is the byproduct of a learning disability in the domains of
flexibility, adaptability, and frustration tolerance. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "wingdings"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Goal of treatment: Teach children
lacking cognitive and emotional skills.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "wingdings"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Tools of Treatment: Teach
children and adults how to work towards mutually satisfactory solutions to
problems underlying difficult behavior.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "wingdings"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt;"> </span></span><!--[endif]--><span dir="LTR"></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Emphasis: <i>Proactive</i> focus on solving and preventing problems before they
occur.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6605813304666153695.post-25596293048329393742013-11-26T00:55:00.003-08:002018-08-29T13:17:25.871-07:00Empathy and CPS Parenting <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">There are 2 approaches to empathy that are found in different parenting styles. Progressive parenting uses empathy with
compassion. Traditional parenting uses empathy or perfunctory empathy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Progressive parenting which focuses on
the whole child including his motives and feelings takes seriously a child's
concerns. Getting a clear understanding of the child's concerns is critical for
solving problems in a collaborative way= Plan B. Here we use 'empathy with
compassion'. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Traditional parents uses ' empathy ' to
get compliance. When we use reflective listening or empathy we say to kids that
they have been heard. This technique is sold as having magic powers to produce
instant results. So when a mom uses Plan A=adult imposing adult will, it sounds
like this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"> Mom: you can't go to a friend more than twice
during the week <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"> Kid: you are always so unfair
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"> Mom: Hmmm. It sounds like you
think what I have proposed isn't fair. That makes you feel angry , doesn't it !?</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">(parody) - Kid: Yes, But …well, I guess that I can live with it.
(Pause) Gosh, thanks for taking the time to understand me! I feel all better now!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">This is called ' perfunctory' empathy and
is rather apathetic and indifferent .The child perceives that their concerns are being ignored and is resigned
to the fact that her mother will never see her perspective.</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">From</span></b><b><span style="color: #a8a8a8; font-family: "georgia" , "serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span></b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"> <a href="http://www.educationnews.org/articles/an-interview-with-ross-greene-lost-in-school---ii.html">Ross Greene interview -Lost at school</a> on empathy and collaborative
problem solving <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="border: 1pt none; font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0cm;"> As I describe in Lost at
School, there are three ingredients required for resolving a problem
collaboratively. first is to gather
information from the kid so as to achieve the clearest possible understanding
of a kid's concern or perspective on the problem you're trying to resolve (I
call this the Empathy step).The second is to communicate the adult's concern or
perspective on the same problem (I refer to this as the Define the Problem
step).And the third is the brainstorming of solutions that will address the
concerns of both parties (I've called this the Invitation).Perfunctory empathy
– which is not a desirable thing – relates to the first ingredient, and refers
to the tendency on the part of adults to gloss over or rush through the process
of information seeking, thereby achieving an insufficient level of
understanding of a kid's concern or perspective, guaranteeing that the kid's
concern will remain unaddressed, and perpetuating challenging behavior in response
to that problem.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="border: 1pt none; font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12pt; padding: 0cm;">Why do adults do this? Well, we are pressed for time (of course,
if we don't take the time to understand the concern or perspective setting the
stage for a kid's challenging behavior then we're going to be spending a lot of
time dealing with his challenging behavior).Often adults use perfunctory
empathy because we're certain we already know what the kid's concern or
perspective is (my experience is that we're often wrong).And often it's because
we're not sure what words to use to "drill" for more specific
information. But in many instances it's because we're worried that if we take a
kid's concern into consideration, somehow our concern won't be taken into
account. Now…and this is rhetorical question…why are there so many adults who
are worried that their concerns won't be taken into account?</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">'<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Plan B = both concerns </div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;"> So
if a kid is not happy to go out to play in recess, a Plan B would go like this.
The challenge is to make sure we use ' empathy with compassion' and not '
perfunctory empathy ' in the CPS process.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Teacher – I have noticed that you are not
so keen about going out for recess-play lately.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Kid – Yes <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Teacher – so what's up?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Kid – I just don't want to go out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Teacher - getting empathy wrong using
perfunctory empathy <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Ok so you don't want to go out for recess
– the thing is that I don't mind you staying with me every once in a while, but
sometimes I have to leave the classroom and there won't be anyone to watch you
.Do you understand?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Kid – Uh –huh<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Teacher- Do you think we can come up with
a plan so of what to do when I need to leave the classroom, and you don't want
to go out for recess. Do you have any ideas? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">Teacher – getting the empathy step right<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">You don't want to go out for recess; can
you try to help me understand why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">The kids concerns could be that she does
not feel socially accepted or there might be bullying or there is something
else going on and only she can give us information. Often it takes a bit of
drilling down to get a clear idea and understanding of her concerns.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">By using perfunctory empathy and paying
lip service to a child's concerns we are going to come up with a solution that
does not deal with the underlying problem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">There are times when a kid comes over to us,
upset about something and is just looking for empathy. She just wants someone to
listen and empathize and feel for her. We can use reflective listening and
empathy to help her get over the emotional hurt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt;">But when we want to collaboratively solve
problems we need to use ' empathy with compassion'.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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AllanKatzhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01832588840708909428noreply@blogger.com1