I would like to explore using CPS – collaborative problem solving in a single solution focused session with parents. I will also be relying on SDT – self determined theory and the work of Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Parenting
My basic aim will to help parents make a paradigm shift
1 Children do well if they can and not if they want to – kids would prefer to be successful and behave adaptively, and if they are struggling we need to ask what is getting in their way – their lack of skills , and not figure out how we can motivate them to behave better .
2 Rewards, punishments and consequences are motivational tools and don't teach skills.
They also have a negative effect on long term motivation as they undermine intrinsic motivation and interest. Kids learn to ask – what's in it for me , instead of reflecting of what type of person I want to be. We want to learn how to help kids motivate themselves , not how to motivate them.
3 In order to influence our kids and promote their social and emotional development we have to step back and focus on relationship and solving problems collaboratively and ' working with ' children rather than be more controlling and focusing on obedience , ' doing to ' children
4 We can help kids by being proactive and working with them , rather than doing to them and putting out fires . We must focus on being proactive rather than just responding to behavior.
A I would like parents first to reflect on the 'Long-term Objectives of Parenting'
Parents usually come to therapy feeling pretty helpless and lacking the tools to handle the chaos in their homes. Most therapists and parenting books make the promise of helping you get back in control, to get your child to do what you want, without you having to ask them.
Alfie Kohn says that Obedience: The Temptation to Control Children may become the primary goal of parents and ignore the long-term objectives of parenting.
'We may be tempted to focus our energies on overcoming children’s resistance to our requests and getting them to do what we tell them. If we’re not careful, this can become our primary goal. We may find ourselves joining all those people around us who prize docility in children and value short-term obedience above all. I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A “good” child–from infancy to adolescence–is one who isn’t too much trouble to us grown-ups.
' In my workshops for parents I like to start off asking, “What are your long-term objectives for your children? What word or phrase comes to mind to describe how you’d like them to turn out, what you want them to be like once they’ve grown?”
Take a moment to think about how you would answer that question. When I invite groups of parents to come up with the most important long-term goals they have for their kids, I hear remarkably similar responses across the country. The list produced by one audience was typical: These parents said they wanted their children to be
happy, balanced, independent, fulfilled, productive, self-reliant, responsible, functioning, kind, thoughtful, loving, inquisitive, and confident. '
Now according to the SDT research parents that support kids autonomy ( to make decisions that are in touch with their inner core values) , competence and relatedness are likely to promote the long term goals mentioned above. Focus on obedience undermines our goals.
B Short term goals
Many approaches might help in the short-term but come at a cost when we look at our long term objectives for our kids. They usually don't even help in the short run because they don't teach skills, damage the relationship with kids and cause even more tension, conflict and anxiety in the home.
Parents usually come to therapy and ask for help and tools to deal with the chaos , conflict , resistance, defiance and meltdowns. They are looking for help ' in the moment'. CPS looks at the skills that are being learned , if the child is learning to trust the process, if the relationship is improving , not short term results , in getting obedience. Often extrinsic motivators can make a kid look good , but take them away everything collapses. The real work is out of the moment. Parents are looking for help in the moment. We are not only concerned with the parents' expectations but also the concerns of the children. Chuldren have to be part of the process. It would take a pradigm shift to relinquish control and allow children to part of solutions.
CPS promotes autonomy – (not resistance and independence ) by focusing on the child's concerns and goals , competence – by promoting all the vital cognitive and life skills , and relatedness by the collaborative nature of the process and each party showing empathy by addressing the others' concerns.
CPS is based on figuring out the concerns of parents and children. Concerns in a positive sense could be goals of parents for their kids and family, expectations and a picture of how life could be in their home etc . Concerns in the negative sense would be unsolved problems, unmet expectations or concerns. CPS would be the process ( not technique) where problems are solved in a mutually satisfactory way. The best way to solve problems durably is when kids and parents collaborate and participate in the process.
Skills training – skills are trained in the context of the child's and parents ' concerns
C – Teaching the model
1 filling out the TSI – thinking skills inventory check list and unsolved problems
2 relaxing the atmosphere in the home by minimizing conflict – prioritize problems , put many problems on the shelf – Plan C , focus on connecting, bonding and dialog.
3 showing how the model works - use an example
In the moment /out of the moment
- a- empathy and reassurance stage = gathering information about the concerns of the kid – go slow here , no blame , not being be mad at the kid , kid not in trouble b- putting your concerns on the table and define the problem , c – invitation to brainstorm solutions reflecting if they are realistic and would work for both parties – d –an agreement to go back and review how things are going
4 – Out of the moment – promote connection, and bonding and also skills by general chatting , one on one time focusing on perspective taking, getting the child to speak and we listen, mentors , older brother , buddy-tutor
5 resources – web sites , forums , videos , books etc
6 possible other contributing factors – like poor sleep , bad eating habits – tired and hungry
D – nurturing oneself - dealing with negative thoughts and stress , exercise, respite , reading , empowering oneself , becoming a better problem solver , understanding the power of questions
There is no magic bullet , education , cps is a process , not a technique but by merely relaxing the atmosphere , connecting and promoting conversation the family will learn to collaborate and solve problems durably.
I would like to explore using CPS – collaborative problem solving in a single solution focused session with parents. I will also be relying on SDT – self determined theory and the work of Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Parenting
My basic aim will to help parents make a paradigm shift
1 Children do well if they can and not if they want to – kids would prefer to be successful and behave adaptively, and if they are struggling we need to ask what is getting in their way – their lack of skills , and not figure out how we can motivate them to behave better .
2 Rewards, punishments and consequences are motivational tools and don't teach skills.
They also have a negative effect on long term motivation as they undermine intrinsic motivation and interest. Kids learn to ask – what's in it for me , instead of reflecting of what type of person I want to be. We want to learn how to help kids motivate themselves , not how to motivate them.
3 In order to influence our kids and promote their social and emotional development we have to step back and focus on relationship and solving problems collaboratively and ' working with ' children rather than be more controlling and focusing on obedience , ' doing to ' children
4 We can help kids by being proactive and working with them , rather than doing to them and putting out fires . We must focus on being proactive rather than just responding to behavior.
A I would like parents first to reflect on the 'Long-term Objectives of Parenting'
Parents usually come to therapy feeling pretty helpless and lacking the tools to handle the chaos in their homes. Most therapists and parenting books make the promise of helping you get back in control, to get your child to do what you want, without you having to ask them.
Alfie Kohn says that Obedience: The Temptation to Control Children may become the primary goal of parents and ignore the long-term objectives of parenting.
'We may be tempted to focus our energies on overcoming children’s resistance to our requests and getting them to do what we tell them. If we’re not careful, this can become our primary goal. We may find ourselves joining all those people around us who prize docility in children and value short-term obedience above all. I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A “good” child–from infancy to adolescence–is one who isn’t too much trouble to us grown-ups.
' In my workshops for parents I like to start off asking, “What are your long-term objectives for your children? What word or phrase comes to mind to describe how you’d like them to turn out, what you want them to be like once they’ve grown?”
Take a moment to think about how you would answer that question. When I invite groups of parents to come up with the most important long-term goals they have for their kids, I hear remarkably similar responses across the country. The list produced by one audience was typical: These parents said they wanted their children to be
happy, balanced, independent, fulfilled, productive, self-reliant, responsible, functioning, kind, thoughtful, loving, inquisitive, and confident. '
Now according to the SDT research parents that support kids autonomy ( to make decisions that are in touch with their inner core values) , competence and relatedness are likely to promote the long term goals mentioned above. Focus on obedience undermines our goals.
B Short term goals
Many approaches might help in the short-term but come at a cost when we look at our long term objectives for our kids. They usually don't even help in the short run because they don't teach skills, damage the relationship with kids and cause even more tension, conflict and anxiety in the home.
Parents usually come to therapy and ask for help and tools to deal with the chaos , conflict , resistance, defiance and meltdowns. They are looking for help ' in the moment'. CPS looks at the skills that are being learned , if the child is learning to trust the process, if the relationship is improving , not short term results , in getting obedience. Often extrinsic motivators can make a kid look good , but take them away everything collapses. The real work is out of the moment. Parents are looking for help in the moment.
CPS promotes autonomy – (not resistance and independence ) by focusing on the child's concerns and goals , competence – by promoting all the vital cognitive and life skills , and relatedness by the collaborative nature of the process and each party showing empathy by addressing the others' concerns.
CPS is based on figuring out the concerns of parents and children. Concerns in a positive sense could be goals of parents for their kids and family, expectations and a picture of how life could be in their home etc . Concerns in the negative sense would be unsolved problems, unmet expectations or concerns. CPS would be the process ( not technique) where problems are solved in a mutually satisfactory way. The best way to solve problems durably is when kids and parents collaborate and participate in the process.
Skills training – skills are trained in the context of the child's and parents ' concerns
C – Teaching the model
1 filling out the TSI – thinking skills inventory check list and unsolved problems
2 relaxing the atmosphere in the home by minimizing conflict – prioritize problems , put many problems on the shelf – Plan C , focus on connecting, bonding and dialog.
3 showing how the model works - use an example
In the moment /out of the moment
- a- empathy and reassurance stage = gathering information about the concerns of the kid – go slow here , no blame , not being be mad at the kid , kid not in trouble b- putting your concerns on the table and define the problem , c – invitation to brainstorm solutions reflecting if they are realistic and would work for both parties – d –an agreement to go back and review how things are going
4 – Out of the moment – promote connection, and bonding and also skills by general chatting , one on one time focusing on perspective taking, getting the child to speak and we listen, mentors , older brother , buddy-tutor
5 resources – web sites , forums , videos , books etc
6 possible other contributing factors – like poor sleep , bad eating habits – tired and hungry
D – nurturing oneself - dealing with negative thoughts and stress , exercise, respite , reading , empowering oneself , becoming a better problem solver , understanding the power of questions
There is no magic bullet , education , cps is a process , not a technique but by merely relaxing the atmosphere , connecting and promoting conversation the family will learn to collaborate and solve problems durably.
Allan
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Unhappy Teenagers - William Glasser
Here is a review/summary of William Glasser's Unhappy Teenagers
The approach is a ' working with ' approach fairly consistent with CPS
Although Glasser discounts the possible influences of brain chemistry on happiness, I feel he has an important message to offer on the psychological – relationship level.
Unhappiness is caused by being unsuccessful in your life and/or being involved in bad relationships. Bad relationships are those where the exercise of external controls, power struggles etc define the relationship, rather than love, trust , respect and equality. External control disconnects people rather than creating a bond and connection.
Instead of using external control to try and change others we should use self-control and change ourselves finding better ways to interact and elicit a different response from those close to us. Choice theory says we can’t control others but we can control how we respond or how we reach out. When you stop controlling you gain control since your relationship improves and there is more of a willingness and empathy on the part of others to meet half way and compromise. By exerting a great deal of coerces ion we can temporarily control the actions of other people but we can never control their thoughts. And as soon as any person is free of us, out of sight she can do anything she pleases. How far she will deviate from what you want her to do will depend on the strength of your relationship.
Unhappy people are often those who are trying to control others and are suffering from the resistance and conflict this evokes. These unhappy teens don’t think or care about what their actions do to the lives of people around them , their capacity for empathy is nil.
Glasser has a list of 7 deadly habits of external control that destroy relationships:
Criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging , threatening , punishing, and rewarding to control – even praising could be interpreted as stroking or trying to control – thank you for doing what I want you to do. The 7 connecting habits are caring, trusting, listening, supporting, negotiating - I prefer CPS collaborative problem solving not negotiation, , befriending and encouraging.
To be happy one has to satisfy 5 basic needs – survival, love and belonging , power , freedom, and fun. By connecting to people we satisfy the need for love and belonging. If we gain their respect, trust and love we feel powerful . If we try to control them we may maintain their love but not gain their respect and trust .
Often kids love their parents and at the same time feel disconnected , don’t respect them nor trust them. Another way to feel powerful is to do something with our lives that makes us feel successful and not at any body’s expense.
Freedom is the need to escape from the controlling person. Problems occur usually where the parties involved are disconnected , there is a lack of love and belonging and no sense of internal power. The lack of love and belonging is compensated by satisfying the need for power by trying to control or fight back or satisfying the need for freedom by running.
One of the interesting case studies in the book is that of an anorexic teenager. Every one has a picture of what Glasser calls our quality world This is a memory bank of those positive experiences that satisfy our needs. For an anorexic the experience of not eating and getting thinner is part of her quality world. Even when not eating is clearly destructive , there is great difficulty to stop and remove the experience from her quality world . Another difficulty is that the anorexic has to give up the “ power “ and control she has over her body and over her parents who are trying their best to get her to start eating. I don’t believe that the behavior of the anorexic or the kid who has OCD that has the home on egg shells acts manipulatively to get power , but that feeling of power subconsciously feeds the disorder .What she really needs is love but her addiction to power does not let her accept or give love.
Glasser recommends that the parents stop trying to control their daughter and get her to eat, that is left to the professionals, but try to improve their relationship with her. By stepping back and not being involved in a power struggle they are able to connect with their daughter. Their daughter will not be preoccupied in resisting parental pressure to eat and be more open to their love.
Buddies or buddy/tutors by nature lend themselves for a more equal relationships with teenagers and often they are the most effective in reaching out to the them , being their confidants. They don’t lecture but through conversation maneuver the teen into reaching his own conclusion.
In order for a relationship with a teen be happy, the power in the relationship must be reasonably close to balanced. Parents who want to get along with their teens need to relinquish a lot of the power that most parents believe they need to have if this relationship is to succeed. The paradox is that the more direct control a parent is willing to give up , the more indirect control one gains through a stronger and happier relationship. In conclusion , whether your child is disconnected because she lacks skills or other psychological reasons we inevitably have to fall back on the collaborative problem solving approach
William Glasser in his book Unhappy Teenagers has a chapter " dealing with a teen who's been labeled schizophrenic The theme of his book is that people may be unhappy because they are unsuccessful or have unsatisfying relationships , they are disconnected to the people closest to them and who are in the position to give them love and satisfy their needs .
He also says that his symptoms may also be related to an unrealistic fear that his care givers are about to abandon him or send him some place away from his home with them. When you are unhappy your creativity can get involved in your thinking and in your brain physiology leading to psychosis or schizophrenia.
Delusions of persecution or hallucinations are crude ways his own creativity is devising to blame his present disconnection and reassure that it is not his fault. The sufferer is very lonely and further isolates himself from others , becoming more creatively involved with his brain. This self involvement replaces the people he very much needs. Medication reduces the creativity , makes thinking less bizarre and turns off the voices but he has no people in his life to replace them with.
A buddy , buddy/tutor , a young adult cheerleader is very much in a position to connect to a teen. They should not try to get involved in his bizarre creativity but use problem solving techniques, using reflective listening and directing the conversation through questions , helping the teen to focus outside of himself , learn to take into account others' views and feelings , define problems , generate different solutions , plan for the future etc. Problem solving unlike your speaking, teaching or suggestions which may fall on deaf ears , involves the teen , helping him solve his problem , not your problem. Parents of a very aggressive teen took up the suggestion of their therapist and got a boarder who was a karate expert. The boarder befriended the teen and things changed for the better.
I have always said that a good relationship , dialog and communication is very important to help us influence our teenagers.
" I don't believe a child can be extrinsically motivated to engage in problem solving. Children participate because they are convinced that they are being heard, that their needs are being taken into account, that resolutions to problems will be fair and balanced, and that this process is not merely a facade for getting the kid to comply . If parents aren't able to help their child engage in problem solving discussions, often an objective third party (i.e., a therapist) is required to restore faith in a child who is dubious about the above or is lacking cognitive skills crucial to participating in problem solving " - Ross Greene
Allan
The approach is a ' working with ' approach fairly consistent with CPS
Although Glasser discounts the possible influences of brain chemistry on happiness, I feel he has an important message to offer on the psychological – relationship level.
Unhappiness is caused by being unsuccessful in your life and/or being involved in bad relationships. Bad relationships are those where the exercise of external controls, power struggles etc define the relationship, rather than love, trust , respect and equality. External control disconnects people rather than creating a bond and connection.
Instead of using external control to try and change others we should use self-control and change ourselves finding better ways to interact and elicit a different response from those close to us. Choice theory says we can’t control others but we can control how we respond or how we reach out. When you stop controlling you gain control since your relationship improves and there is more of a willingness and empathy on the part of others to meet half way and compromise. By exerting a great deal of coerces ion we can temporarily control the actions of other people but we can never control their thoughts. And as soon as any person is free of us, out of sight she can do anything she pleases. How far she will deviate from what you want her to do will depend on the strength of your relationship.
Unhappy people are often those who are trying to control others and are suffering from the resistance and conflict this evokes. These unhappy teens don’t think or care about what their actions do to the lives of people around them , their capacity for empathy is nil.
Glasser has a list of 7 deadly habits of external control that destroy relationships:
Criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging , threatening , punishing, and rewarding to control – even praising could be interpreted as stroking or trying to control – thank you for doing what I want you to do. The 7 connecting habits are caring, trusting, listening, supporting, negotiating - I prefer CPS collaborative problem solving not negotiation, , befriending and encouraging.
To be happy one has to satisfy 5 basic needs – survival, love and belonging , power , freedom, and fun. By connecting to people we satisfy the need for love and belonging. If we gain their respect, trust and love we feel powerful . If we try to control them we may maintain their love but not gain their respect and trust .
Often kids love their parents and at the same time feel disconnected , don’t respect them nor trust them. Another way to feel powerful is to do something with our lives that makes us feel successful and not at any body’s expense.
Freedom is the need to escape from the controlling person. Problems occur usually where the parties involved are disconnected , there is a lack of love and belonging and no sense of internal power. The lack of love and belonging is compensated by satisfying the need for power by trying to control or fight back or satisfying the need for freedom by running.
One of the interesting case studies in the book is that of an anorexic teenager. Every one has a picture of what Glasser calls our quality world This is a memory bank of those positive experiences that satisfy our needs. For an anorexic the experience of not eating and getting thinner is part of her quality world. Even when not eating is clearly destructive , there is great difficulty to stop and remove the experience from her quality world . Another difficulty is that the anorexic has to give up the “ power “ and control she has over her body and over her parents who are trying their best to get her to start eating. I don’t believe that the behavior of the anorexic or the kid who has OCD that has the home on egg shells acts manipulatively to get power , but that feeling of power subconsciously feeds the disorder .What she really needs is love but her addiction to power does not let her accept or give love.
Glasser recommends that the parents stop trying to control their daughter and get her to eat, that is left to the professionals, but try to improve their relationship with her. By stepping back and not being involved in a power struggle they are able to connect with their daughter. Their daughter will not be preoccupied in resisting parental pressure to eat and be more open to their love.
Buddies or buddy/tutors by nature lend themselves for a more equal relationships with teenagers and often they are the most effective in reaching out to the them , being their confidants. They don’t lecture but through conversation maneuver the teen into reaching his own conclusion.
In order for a relationship with a teen be happy, the power in the relationship must be reasonably close to balanced. Parents who want to get along with their teens need to relinquish a lot of the power that most parents believe they need to have if this relationship is to succeed. The paradox is that the more direct control a parent is willing to give up , the more indirect control one gains through a stronger and happier relationship. In conclusion , whether your child is disconnected because she lacks skills or other psychological reasons we inevitably have to fall back on the collaborative problem solving approach
William Glasser in his book Unhappy Teenagers has a chapter " dealing with a teen who's been labeled schizophrenic The theme of his book is that people may be unhappy because they are unsuccessful or have unsatisfying relationships , they are disconnected to the people closest to them and who are in the position to give them love and satisfy their needs .
He also says that his symptoms may also be related to an unrealistic fear that his care givers are about to abandon him or send him some place away from his home with them. When you are unhappy your creativity can get involved in your thinking and in your brain physiology leading to psychosis or schizophrenia.
Delusions of persecution or hallucinations are crude ways his own creativity is devising to blame his present disconnection and reassure that it is not his fault. The sufferer is very lonely and further isolates himself from others , becoming more creatively involved with his brain. This self involvement replaces the people he very much needs. Medication reduces the creativity , makes thinking less bizarre and turns off the voices but he has no people in his life to replace them with.
A buddy , buddy/tutor , a young adult cheerleader is very much in a position to connect to a teen. They should not try to get involved in his bizarre creativity but use problem solving techniques, using reflective listening and directing the conversation through questions , helping the teen to focus outside of himself , learn to take into account others' views and feelings , define problems , generate different solutions , plan for the future etc. Problem solving unlike your speaking, teaching or suggestions which may fall on deaf ears , involves the teen , helping him solve his problem , not your problem. Parents of a very aggressive teen took up the suggestion of their therapist and got a boarder who was a karate expert. The boarder befriended the teen and things changed for the better.
I have always said that a good relationship , dialog and communication is very important to help us influence our teenagers.
" I don't believe a child can be extrinsically motivated to engage in problem solving. Children participate because they are convinced that they are being heard, that their needs are being taken into account, that resolutions to problems will be fair and balanced, and that this process is not merely a facade for getting the kid to comply . If parents aren't able to help their child engage in problem solving discussions, often an objective third party (i.e., a therapist) is required to restore faith in a child who is dubious about the above or is lacking cognitive skills crucial to participating in problem solving " - Ross Greene
Allan
Obedience vs collaboration
An educator once remarked to me that it is important to give children good habits and teach them to be obedient and follow instructions. By solving problems in a collaborative way , supporting their autonomy and encouraging them to put their concerns on the table I was in fact encouraging non-compliance , and not teaching them to accept parental authority.
We live in a world where our ability to control others and inculcate obedience is very limited. In any case do we want to raise children who demonstrate ' blind obedience. Most methods of getting kids to do what you want or be obedient rely on the use of reward , punishment , and the use of fear . Parenting that focuses on giving children good habits rely on rewards and punishments to get ' behavior ' This approach ignores the motives , feelings or intentions of the child.
Instead of teaching behaviors and habits , we should focus on motivation ,the motives , feelings and intentions behind behavior .We should be relating to the whole child. The same behavior can be rather different when we take the motives and intentions into account. A child can do an act of kindness for very different reasons. He may give a cookie to a classmate in order to impress his teacher who is standing close buy , he wants some of the candy which the boy is eating and you need to give in order to get or he may be simply ultraistic merely wanting to do the right thing and make another child feel good.
When we help kids to become self determined and self directed , the source of the actions is not some extrinsic , but being connected to their inner core values . They respond to parents not out of obedience , but because of the feeling it is the right way to behave and it expresses who they are and the type of person they want to be. Our motives , feelings and reasons define our actions .
For sure there will be times when parents have to say - I need you to do it my way and use Plan A . Children who have parents who make issues discussable , give reasons and are perceived as meeting their needs , these kids are more likely to ' trust' their parents and accept their decisions in a trusting way even if they are not so happy about it. Often children who are forced to be obedient , act out when their parents are not around.
Ross Greene says that problem solving skills are more important than learning to be obedient. An authoritarian boss or teacher is a problem to be solved . Being compliant and obedient is unlikely to solve your problem. What is needed is good problem solving and life skills . We can help our kids acquire these skills using a 'working with ' , collaborative problem solving approach.
In a nutshell a parallel learning , collaborative problem solving approach not only supports a kid's autonomy and meets their emotional needs , but helps them learn to trust adults and accept their decisions even when they might not be so happy about it. But most important they begin to ' hear' what we are saying. As one parent recently said ' Now that I am using CPS , I feel I am being heard . 'Traditional methods helping children to accept authority and be obedient are usually based on fear , teaching blind obedience and prizing the ' docility' of children. The children in fact become very alienated from their parents and also from themselves. They begin to live the lives of their parents and they feel accepted and have self worth only when they are being obedient ignoring their wishes and concerns. How sad !
In a sentence - Parenting is about cooperation , not about obedience
Allan
We live in a world where our ability to control others and inculcate obedience is very limited. In any case do we want to raise children who demonstrate ' blind obedience. Most methods of getting kids to do what you want or be obedient rely on the use of reward , punishment , and the use of fear . Parenting that focuses on giving children good habits rely on rewards and punishments to get ' behavior ' This approach ignores the motives , feelings or intentions of the child.
Instead of teaching behaviors and habits , we should focus on motivation ,the motives , feelings and intentions behind behavior .We should be relating to the whole child. The same behavior can be rather different when we take the motives and intentions into account. A child can do an act of kindness for very different reasons. He may give a cookie to a classmate in order to impress his teacher who is standing close buy , he wants some of the candy which the boy is eating and you need to give in order to get or he may be simply ultraistic merely wanting to do the right thing and make another child feel good.
When we help kids to become self determined and self directed , the source of the actions is not some extrinsic , but being connected to their inner core values . They respond to parents not out of obedience , but because of the feeling it is the right way to behave and it expresses who they are and the type of person they want to be. Our motives , feelings and reasons define our actions .
For sure there will be times when parents have to say - I need you to do it my way and use Plan A . Children who have parents who make issues discussable , give reasons and are perceived as meeting their needs , these kids are more likely to ' trust' their parents and accept their decisions in a trusting way even if they are not so happy about it. Often children who are forced to be obedient , act out when their parents are not around.
Ross Greene says that problem solving skills are more important than learning to be obedient. An authoritarian boss or teacher is a problem to be solved . Being compliant and obedient is unlikely to solve your problem. What is needed is good problem solving and life skills . We can help our kids acquire these skills using a 'working with ' , collaborative problem solving approach.
In a nutshell a parallel learning , collaborative problem solving approach not only supports a kid's autonomy and meets their emotional needs , but helps them learn to trust adults and accept their decisions even when they might not be so happy about it. But most important they begin to ' hear' what we are saying. As one parent recently said ' Now that I am using CPS , I feel I am being heard . 'Traditional methods helping children to accept authority and be obedient are usually based on fear , teaching blind obedience and prizing the ' docility' of children. The children in fact become very alienated from their parents and also from themselves. They begin to live the lives of their parents and they feel accepted and have self worth only when they are being obedient ignoring their wishes and concerns. How sad !
In a sentence - Parenting is about cooperation , not about obedience
Allan
Monday, September 20, 2010
Joe Bower - The teacher, parent and student teacher / digital natives
Many of us who are involved in education either as teachers, students or parents are grateful to Joe Bower for sharing his teaching and his insights on education on his site. He is inspired by the likes of Alfie Kohn and Deborah Meier and is showing us how constructivist ideas are put into practice in the field. He has been sharing his experiences of ' abolishing grades' and instead , having student collaboration to achieve a more authentic and relevant assessment. He has recently being discussing introducing and using technology in school to promote learning. In my previous blog I spoke of the need for kids to see internet , cell phones and other technologies as more of an educational and learning tool and not simply a social tool. He describes this not so easy transformation. Kids are known today as Digital Natives , a phrase coined by Marc Prensky. They are more at home with this technology and ' mediate ' the world with it. But it seems that our digital natives are very unsophisticated users of the technology and need teachers to help them use it in a responsible way ', constructing modern knowlege ' in a project led learning environment'.
Here are 3 blogs by Joe Bower on technology in the classroom.
http://www.joebower.org/2010/09/digital-natives-they-are-not.html
http://www.joebower.org/2010/09/instant-chat-in-classroom.html
http://www.joebower.org/2010/04/teaching-social-networking-finger.html
Allan
Here are 3 blogs by Joe Bower on technology in the classroom.
http://www.joebower.org/2010/09/digital-natives-they-are-not.html
http://www.joebower.org/2010/09/instant-chat-in-classroom.html
http://www.joebower.org/2010/04/teaching-social-networking-finger.html
Allan
Sunday, September 19, 2010
The kind of teacher I want for my kid- no-grades , cell phones, internet,
I think that parents should be asking themselves ' what kind of teacher do I want for my kid' ?
I would want a teacher who is concerned with the whole child , not only academic learning but also learning how to be a better person within a school that focuses on community and has a sense of social justice that expresses itself in community service.
The child should be active in choosing a curiculum that focuses on questions that are relevant and meaningful to the kid and his future , learning that will promote a love of learning and foster intrinsic motivation and interest.
The learning should be in the context of a community of learners , collaborative , with kids not only learning from the teacher , but from each other and also the teacher learning from the kids .
The aim is deep understanding rather than getting good grades.
Problems , academic and social should be solved using CPS - collaborative problem solving , working with the child and focusing on a lasting commitment to values and the community rather than doing to the child using 'power and control ' - rewards , punishments and consequences.
- From http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/progressive.htm
Paul Barnwell is a teacher who is putting into practice the principles of progressive education
see his website - you tube on cell phones in the class and on grades , also his questionnaire on grades , to see if you are on the same page as Paul.
http://questionsforschools.org/
http://www.nea.org/home/20705.htm
His approach to cell phones in the class is similar to what Nancy Willard ' says about internet use and internet safety. 'We have to be pro-active in changing the way kids think of the internet - as a learning or a social tool.
'We will NOT be able to effectively prepare students for their education, career, and civic responsibilities in the 21st Century if the technical services directors in schools throughout this country continue their heavy handed filtering.
It is essential to shift how the Internet is being managed from a primary reliance on filtering to more effective monitoring - in an environment where education - not social - use of the Internet is expected, and supported with effective professional and curriculum development.'
The same goes for cell phones and all other media.
Allan
I would want a teacher who is concerned with the whole child , not only academic learning but also learning how to be a better person within a school that focuses on community and has a sense of social justice that expresses itself in community service.
The child should be active in choosing a curiculum that focuses on questions that are relevant and meaningful to the kid and his future , learning that will promote a love of learning and foster intrinsic motivation and interest.
The learning should be in the context of a community of learners , collaborative , with kids not only learning from the teacher , but from each other and also the teacher learning from the kids .
The aim is deep understanding rather than getting good grades.
Problems , academic and social should be solved using CPS - collaborative problem solving , working with the child and focusing on a lasting commitment to values and the community rather than doing to the child using 'power and control ' - rewards , punishments and consequences.
- From http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/progressive.htm
Paul Barnwell is a teacher who is putting into practice the principles of progressive education
see his website - you tube on cell phones in the class and on grades , also his questionnaire on grades , to see if you are on the same page as Paul.
http://questionsforschools.org/
http://www.nea.org/home/20705.htm
His approach to cell phones in the class is similar to what Nancy Willard ' says about internet use and internet safety. 'We have to be pro-active in changing the way kids think of the internet - as a learning or a social tool.
'We will NOT be able to effectively prepare students for their education, career, and civic responsibilities in the 21st Century if the technical services directors in schools throughout this country continue their heavy handed filtering.
It is essential to shift how the Internet is being managed from a primary reliance on filtering to more effective monitoring - in an environment where education - not social - use of the Internet is expected, and supported with effective professional and curriculum development.'
The same goes for cell phones and all other media.
Allan
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Autism - ABA , RDI - relationship development intervention , CPS and SDT
I previously looked at developmental delays in children , ADHD, and how a SDT – Self Determined Theory orientated treatment like CPS – collaborative problem solving would approach these challenges in contrast to traditional behaviorist ' behavior modification ' programs. – August 2010
The question I would like to share on this blog is whether there are effective SDT orientated interventions for autism , programs that promote autonomy , competence and relatedness. Those professionals who advocate ABA , a very behaviorist approach , claim it is the most effective program .??!!
There is an approach called RDI – Relationship Development Intervention. It is very similar to CPS focusing on promoting skills in a dynamic environment where parents are the primary teachers.
In this blog I share questions I put to Laura Hynes , a RDI consultant about ABA , RDI and whether we should try to combine the 2 approaches and use ABA together with RDI.
Laura Hynes, LMSW
RDI® Program Certified Consultant
http://extraordinaryminds.org/
347) 564-8451
AK –
Kids in the autistic spectrum are said to be literal, concrete , black and white thinkers lacking cognitive flexibility. it is unlikely that we can promote perspective taking and flexibility if parents model inflexibility and not taking kids concerns into account by focusing on obedience using reward and punishment . ABA focuses on obedience and compliance .
LH -
It is not only unlikely, it is impossible. These kids are literal and concrete thinkers due to the under connectivity of their brains, which is well researched. Years ago, when ABA was established, it was believed that the brain was not able to change. We know now, also well researched, that the brain is experience dependent and able to continuously change based on the type of information it is presented with. The application of ABA and Lovaas theory unfortunately did not change with the advances of neurological developments in research.
AK –
Ross Greene in his CPS book for schools ' Lost at School ' talks about CPS as opposed to ABA as an more appropriate intervention for autistic kids .
Ross Greene -
'It’s often assumed that the CPS model has no application to these autistic kids, and that well-known applied behavior analysis methodology is really the only option. I beg to differ. “Autism spectrum” doesn’t say anything about the kid’s general cognitive functioning, and unless you’re ready to throw in the towel on teaching the kid lagging skills or helping him learn to solve problems – and hopefully, you’re not – then CPS may well have a role to play. The most common obstacle is communication/linguistic skills. As described above, you’ll want to focus first on helping the kid develop the skills to communicate his concerns (often through pictures or hand signals) in a very rudimentary manner , and if your kid is unable to provide much information about his concerns, then your powers of observation and intuition will be crucial . Of course , because your powers of observation and intuition aren't infallible , you will need to continue observing and intuiting so you can recognize you have hit the nail on its head with your hypotheses about your kid's concerns. Then, if possible, you’ll want to focus (if it’s feasible) on helping the kid express these same concerns verbally. Along the way, you’ll be watching closely to see if there is some mechanism for the kid to participate in generating solutions.'
AK -
How does ABA work ?
If I am teaching a dog to jump over a rope , I put a rope in his way - he jumps over it , I reward him and the raise the rope etc and reward , this is the way I assume we teach dogs tricks. If we teach a kid to throw a basketball into the basket , we need to teach him the skill of throwing. Rewarding him imho won't do much to help him acquire the skill.
Is ABA like teaching a dog tricks or a kid to throw the ball into the basket. Is the kid acquiring the skill by conditioning - reinforcements or the main work is teaching the skill , the reinforcements something secondary ?
I have been checking out how animals learn tricks. It seems it has more to do with their intelligence rather than reinforcements .
LH –
ABA works primarily to teach skills that compensate for deficits in dynamic intelligence. Dynamic intelligence can be broken down into several smaller pieces.
1- Communication: not language, communication. non verbal, prosody, facial expression, gesture, body language and experience sharing language...not only labeling, answering a questions, making requests...talking about feeling, experiences, preferences etc...
2- Co regulation: The back and forth of all human interaction, social reciprocity in interaction and conversation
3- Appraisal: What is the important information for me to pay attention to here? Are you able to look at the bigger picture or are you focusing on unimportant details?
4- Flexible problem solving: The ability to appraise and decide the best course of action. There is more than one way to solve a problem, there are "good enough" solutions.
5- Episodic Memory: A memory very different than the other memories individuals on the spectrum are good at. Are you able to reflect on past experiences to better decide how to problem solve and project into the future and comprise some kind of plan...Do you have memories of competence that improve your motivation, resilience and determination?
All individuals on the spectrum are lacking in these dynamic areas. What ABA and other behavioral approaches do is teach skill to compensate for them.
Use a picture schedule because the child can't transition well.
Translation: The child is not appraising the situation well. He is unable to look at the big picture and is not thinking in a flexible way and therefore is not problem solving. If we always overcompensate and prepare a child for transitions, what will happen in the real world when something unexpected changes? It is a huge disservice to these kids to not address the deficit and continuously overcompensate for it.
Teach social skills/scripts because that child cannot interact with others
Translation: The child is not co-regulating, a skill acquired by typically developing children prior to one year of life. If this child does not understand basic back and forth reciprocal interaction, they will never be able to play a made up game on the playground. Teaching social scripts is compensating for this deficit. Teach them social reciprocity. They can learn it. I see it every day. If they don't get the answer they are expecting from a peer that they were taught in a social script, the whole thing falls apart. It is teaching them nothing and essentially setting them up to fail because there is no way to prepare them for all the possible reactions they may get.
As far as rewards, ABA is all about rewards. What happens with rewards is the motivation to interact with another person, figure things out on their own, become competent is lost because these things should be intrinsically rewarded. By offering an external reward, the intrinsic motivation is lost. There is no child that is working for a cookie that will be engaged in the process. It is about completing a task and receiving a reward.
AK
1 I read that ABA teaches \ static knowledge and skills - RDI teaches dynamic knowledge and skills. ?
2 Combination of approaches - Can or should RDI or CPS be combined with ABA ?
Despite research showing that CPS combined with contingent management procedures is more effective than CPS alone , Dr Greene discourages combining approaches
1 Because kids don't participate in deciding on consequences and their implementation , the process is essentially , Plan A = imposing parent will and not collaboration.
2 the disappointment of not getting a reward or anger or anxiety over a punishment /reward can in fact be a trigger to explosive behavior the rewards/punishments are trying to treat.
3 We want parents to become better problem solvers rather than becoming better at imposing their will and getting obedience.
4 CPS conceptualize kid's difficulties as a learning disability, lagging skills -children do well if they can - behavior modification sees behavior as manipulative, attention seeking , working for them , motivational- children do well if they want to. Combining approaches confuses both parents and kids.
5 The intrinsic reward of solving problems, communicating and improving the relationship with a parent is far more rewarding than any exterior motivator so why reward successful collaborative problem solving
LH –
I can speak to RDI and ABA...I do not recommend it. It is so difficult to uncondition these kids from static thinking....feeling like they have to produce a response, that there is a right or wrong answer, that they are working for a reward, that there is no value in the interaction, only the task, among many other things.
To provide both is confusing to a child and if you are working an RDI program, the static skills are ingrained in the natural teaching that happens between parent and child. A NT 2 year old learn animals, colors etc...through play with their parents. Kids with autism can learn this way as well, it just takes more deliberate and mindful parents and guides. There is no reason that any 2 year old should be sitting at a table receiving instruction and being expected to learn that way. It is unnatural and unfair.
It is also very confusing. There is no way to "do RDI" for a certain amount of time per day, it is a lifestyle, parents change the way they communicate and interact with their child on a day to day basis. To change information to an ABA format is very difficult for the child to accurately interpret the information being presented to him.
LH - An RDI program is also not only for autism. Dr. Gutstein has looked at typical development and broke it down into objectives that can be worked on one by one. Any child with any disability is likely lacking in dynamic development.
AK –
Over the years ABA has evolved considerably , it is far from the original strict behaviorist program.
http://www.extraordinaryminds.org/id55.html see article is ABA the only way
I think it is much easier for a behaviorist to combine approaches., Most admit that reinforcements are not something we would want in the long term but they fail to see the negative side undermines any gains.
CPS has the same approach like RDI that parents and care givers play an important role in teaching kids these skills . These skills can be taught and don't need to be compensated , there is a belief in neuro –plasticity of the brain.
ABA and Barkley ADHD believe that skills cannot be taught but only compensated .
Barkley - ADHD believes that these kids lack intrinsic motivation and this needs to be compensated - but rewards undermine intrinsic motivation .
Allan
The question I would like to share on this blog is whether there are effective SDT orientated interventions for autism , programs that promote autonomy , competence and relatedness. Those professionals who advocate ABA , a very behaviorist approach , claim it is the most effective program .??!!
There is an approach called RDI – Relationship Development Intervention. It is very similar to CPS focusing on promoting skills in a dynamic environment where parents are the primary teachers.
In this blog I share questions I put to Laura Hynes , a RDI consultant about ABA , RDI and whether we should try to combine the 2 approaches and use ABA together with RDI.
Laura Hynes, LMSW
RDI® Program Certified Consultant
http://extraordinaryminds.org/
347) 564-8451
AK –
Kids in the autistic spectrum are said to be literal, concrete , black and white thinkers lacking cognitive flexibility. it is unlikely that we can promote perspective taking and flexibility if parents model inflexibility and not taking kids concerns into account by focusing on obedience using reward and punishment . ABA focuses on obedience and compliance .
LH -
It is not only unlikely, it is impossible. These kids are literal and concrete thinkers due to the under connectivity of their brains, which is well researched. Years ago, when ABA was established, it was believed that the brain was not able to change. We know now, also well researched, that the brain is experience dependent and able to continuously change based on the type of information it is presented with. The application of ABA and Lovaas theory unfortunately did not change with the advances of neurological developments in research.
AK –
Ross Greene in his CPS book for schools ' Lost at School ' talks about CPS as opposed to ABA as an more appropriate intervention for autistic kids .
Ross Greene -
'It’s often assumed that the CPS model has no application to these autistic kids, and that well-known applied behavior analysis methodology is really the only option. I beg to differ. “Autism spectrum” doesn’t say anything about the kid’s general cognitive functioning, and unless you’re ready to throw in the towel on teaching the kid lagging skills or helping him learn to solve problems – and hopefully, you’re not – then CPS may well have a role to play. The most common obstacle is communication/linguistic skills. As described above, you’ll want to focus first on helping the kid develop the skills to communicate his concerns (often through pictures or hand signals) in a very rudimentary manner , and if your kid is unable to provide much information about his concerns, then your powers of observation and intuition will be crucial . Of course , because your powers of observation and intuition aren't infallible , you will need to continue observing and intuiting so you can recognize you have hit the nail on its head with your hypotheses about your kid's concerns. Then, if possible, you’ll want to focus (if it’s feasible) on helping the kid express these same concerns verbally. Along the way, you’ll be watching closely to see if there is some mechanism for the kid to participate in generating solutions.'
AK -
How does ABA work ?
If I am teaching a dog to jump over a rope , I put a rope in his way - he jumps over it , I reward him and the raise the rope etc and reward , this is the way I assume we teach dogs tricks. If we teach a kid to throw a basketball into the basket , we need to teach him the skill of throwing. Rewarding him imho won't do much to help him acquire the skill.
Is ABA like teaching a dog tricks or a kid to throw the ball into the basket. Is the kid acquiring the skill by conditioning - reinforcements or the main work is teaching the skill , the reinforcements something secondary ?
I have been checking out how animals learn tricks. It seems it has more to do with their intelligence rather than reinforcements .
LH –
ABA works primarily to teach skills that compensate for deficits in dynamic intelligence. Dynamic intelligence can be broken down into several smaller pieces.
1- Communication: not language, communication. non verbal, prosody, facial expression, gesture, body language and experience sharing language...not only labeling, answering a questions, making requests...talking about feeling, experiences, preferences etc...
2- Co regulation: The back and forth of all human interaction, social reciprocity in interaction and conversation
3- Appraisal: What is the important information for me to pay attention to here? Are you able to look at the bigger picture or are you focusing on unimportant details?
4- Flexible problem solving: The ability to appraise and decide the best course of action. There is more than one way to solve a problem, there are "good enough" solutions.
5- Episodic Memory: A memory very different than the other memories individuals on the spectrum are good at. Are you able to reflect on past experiences to better decide how to problem solve and project into the future and comprise some kind of plan...Do you have memories of competence that improve your motivation, resilience and determination?
All individuals on the spectrum are lacking in these dynamic areas. What ABA and other behavioral approaches do is teach skill to compensate for them.
Use a picture schedule because the child can't transition well.
Translation: The child is not appraising the situation well. He is unable to look at the big picture and is not thinking in a flexible way and therefore is not problem solving. If we always overcompensate and prepare a child for transitions, what will happen in the real world when something unexpected changes? It is a huge disservice to these kids to not address the deficit and continuously overcompensate for it.
Teach social skills/scripts because that child cannot interact with others
Translation: The child is not co-regulating, a skill acquired by typically developing children prior to one year of life. If this child does not understand basic back and forth reciprocal interaction, they will never be able to play a made up game on the playground. Teaching social scripts is compensating for this deficit. Teach them social reciprocity. They can learn it. I see it every day. If they don't get the answer they are expecting from a peer that they were taught in a social script, the whole thing falls apart. It is teaching them nothing and essentially setting them up to fail because there is no way to prepare them for all the possible reactions they may get.
As far as rewards, ABA is all about rewards. What happens with rewards is the motivation to interact with another person, figure things out on their own, become competent is lost because these things should be intrinsically rewarded. By offering an external reward, the intrinsic motivation is lost. There is no child that is working for a cookie that will be engaged in the process. It is about completing a task and receiving a reward.
AK
1 I read that ABA teaches \ static knowledge and skills - RDI teaches dynamic knowledge and skills. ?
2 Combination of approaches - Can or should RDI or CPS be combined with ABA ?
Despite research showing that CPS combined with contingent management procedures is more effective than CPS alone , Dr Greene discourages combining approaches
1 Because kids don't participate in deciding on consequences and their implementation , the process is essentially , Plan A = imposing parent will and not collaboration.
2 the disappointment of not getting a reward or anger or anxiety over a punishment /reward can in fact be a trigger to explosive behavior the rewards/punishments are trying to treat.
3 We want parents to become better problem solvers rather than becoming better at imposing their will and getting obedience.
4 CPS conceptualize kid's difficulties as a learning disability, lagging skills -children do well if they can - behavior modification sees behavior as manipulative, attention seeking , working for them , motivational- children do well if they want to. Combining approaches confuses both parents and kids.
5 The intrinsic reward of solving problems, communicating and improving the relationship with a parent is far more rewarding than any exterior motivator so why reward successful collaborative problem solving
LH –
I can speak to RDI and ABA...I do not recommend it. It is so difficult to uncondition these kids from static thinking....feeling like they have to produce a response, that there is a right or wrong answer, that they are working for a reward, that there is no value in the interaction, only the task, among many other things.
To provide both is confusing to a child and if you are working an RDI program, the static skills are ingrained in the natural teaching that happens between parent and child. A NT 2 year old learn animals, colors etc...through play with their parents. Kids with autism can learn this way as well, it just takes more deliberate and mindful parents and guides. There is no reason that any 2 year old should be sitting at a table receiving instruction and being expected to learn that way. It is unnatural and unfair.
It is also very confusing. There is no way to "do RDI" for a certain amount of time per day, it is a lifestyle, parents change the way they communicate and interact with their child on a day to day basis. To change information to an ABA format is very difficult for the child to accurately interpret the information being presented to him.
LH - An RDI program is also not only for autism. Dr. Gutstein has looked at typical development and broke it down into objectives that can be worked on one by one. Any child with any disability is likely lacking in dynamic development.
AK –
Over the years ABA has evolved considerably , it is far from the original strict behaviorist program.
http://www.extraordinaryminds.org/id55.html see article is ABA the only way
I think it is much easier for a behaviorist to combine approaches., Most admit that reinforcements are not something we would want in the long term but they fail to see the negative side undermines any gains.
CPS has the same approach like RDI that parents and care givers play an important role in teaching kids these skills . These skills can be taught and don't need to be compensated , there is a belief in neuro –plasticity of the brain.
ABA and Barkley ADHD believe that skills cannot be taught but only compensated .
Barkley - ADHD believes that these kids lack intrinsic motivation and this needs to be compensated - but rewards undermine intrinsic motivation .
Allan
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Say Sorry - Accountability - CPS SDT
'Say sorry'
' We have all met parents who force their children to apologize after doing something hurtful or mean. Do parents assume that making kids say the sorry sentence will magically produce in them a feeling of being sorry or even worse do they believe that sincerity is irrelevant and all that matters is the act of uttering the appropriate words ?
Compulsory apologies train kids to say things they don't mean – that is to lie.' Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Parenting
Where does saying sorry or making apologies fit in with the CPS – collaborative problem solving approach ?
There is a lot of talk these days about ' accountability ' , making people, teachers and even children accountable for their actions. The people doing the talking usually take accountability to mean the need ' to do ' to people - punishments, sanctions etc instead of ' working with' them. You are held accountable to an ' external source ' , a higher authority that has power to exert forms of control, punishment and sanctions on you. In many environments kids are made to suffer and pay the price for their challenging behavior in the name of accountability.
There is a different kind of accountability - being accountable to yourself , your values and expectations , being accountable to the commitment one makes to a family, friends, classroom, school and wider community. Here accountability is not something external , but comes from within the child or at least parents and teachers are helping kids get in touch with their core values , so that they can reflect and ask is this the type of person I want to be and become part of the solution. Parents and teachers can help kids internalize and integrate values
The CPS process first deals with the future. We want to give a child a vision for the future , we want to empower him , raise him , uplift him and certainly not put him down or pull him down with punishment or humiliate him with a forced apology. The message is we all make mistakes, and just as we can make mistakes we can fix them, and most important mistakes are our friends , an opportunity for learning. ' Failure ' is not in the falling but not getting up. We first enter his world and try to help him articulate his concerns and reassure him that the process has nothing to do with blame or getting into trouble. He then has the opportunity to take your perspective and concerns into account and together come up with a mutually satisfying solution.
When we try and make new year resolutions , or set new goals , aspirations and hopes for a new year we need to put the past on the shelf. We create our futures and the kind of future will depend on the extent of our goals , dreams and visions. If we bring the past into the picture , it will pull us down. When we focus on solutions , we can create the vision for our children. If we focus on the past , on what the kid did and how he has to pay for what he did and comply with consequences we end up 'pulling the kid ' further down into a hole of despair and mistrust.
Ultimately we need to deal with the past , because if we don't it will pull us down. But we only deal with the past once we have a vision for the future .
Once a child has a vision for the future , he feels competent with his new plan , his relationship with his teachers and parents are intact and more close , the child on his own will offer to deal with the past. His decisions will be self –determined , his act of accountability will be an expression of his inner core values and not something forced by a controlling parent or teacher.
' In her book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson makes this very point .She explained that a teacher can make it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing “a very deep kind of reassurance – the reassurance that she still care[s] about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they do] something very bad.” This posture allows “their best motives to surface,” thus giving “space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong. “If we want our students to trust that we care for them,” she concludes, “then we need to display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. It’s not that we don’t want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it.”
This is the heart of unconditional teaching, and Watson points out that it’s easier to maintain this stance, even with kids who are frequently insulting or aggressive, if we keep in mind why they’re acting that way. The idea is for the teacher to think about what these students need (emotionally speaking) and probably haven’t received. That way, she can see “the vulnerable child behind the bothersome or menacing exterior.”
The popular view is that children who misbehave are just “testing limits” – a phrase often used as a justification for imposing more limits, or punishments. But perhaps such children are testing something else entirely: the unconditionality of our care for them. Perhaps they’re acting in unacceptable ways to see if we’ll stop accepting them.
Thus, one teacher (quoted in Watson, 2003) dealt with a particularly challenging child by sitting down with him and saying, “You know what[?] I really, really like you. You can keep doing all this stuff and it’s not going to change my mind. It seems to me that you are trying to get me to dislike you, but it’s not going to work. I’m not ever going to do that.” This teacher added: “It was soon after that, and I’m not saying immediately, that his disruptive behaviors started to decrease.” The moral here is that unconditional acceptance is not only something all children deserve; it’s also a powerfully effective way to help them become better people. It’s more useful, practically speaking, than any “behavior management” plan could ever be.' - Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Teaching article
Collaborative problem solving is a far more effective at holding a kid accountable than ' doing to ' him with punishments or consequences, since the kid is participating in and actually thinking about a plan to reduce his challenging behavior and taking your concerns into account rather than merely being on the receiving in of endless adult ingenuity . – Ross Greene
The apology and saying sorry is important , but it comes at the end of the collaborative problem solving process. And it is highly likely that the apology will be voluntary and sincere. If you feel you need to remind a kid to apologize – say – If you want to apologize , you can do it when you feel you are ready .
Allan
' We have all met parents who force their children to apologize after doing something hurtful or mean. Do parents assume that making kids say the sorry sentence will magically produce in them a feeling of being sorry or even worse do they believe that sincerity is irrelevant and all that matters is the act of uttering the appropriate words ?
Compulsory apologies train kids to say things they don't mean – that is to lie.' Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Parenting
Where does saying sorry or making apologies fit in with the CPS – collaborative problem solving approach ?
There is a lot of talk these days about ' accountability ' , making people, teachers and even children accountable for their actions. The people doing the talking usually take accountability to mean the need ' to do ' to people - punishments, sanctions etc instead of ' working with' them. You are held accountable to an ' external source ' , a higher authority that has power to exert forms of control, punishment and sanctions on you. In many environments kids are made to suffer and pay the price for their challenging behavior in the name of accountability.
There is a different kind of accountability - being accountable to yourself , your values and expectations , being accountable to the commitment one makes to a family, friends, classroom, school and wider community. Here accountability is not something external , but comes from within the child or at least parents and teachers are helping kids get in touch with their core values , so that they can reflect and ask is this the type of person I want to be and become part of the solution. Parents and teachers can help kids internalize and integrate values
The CPS process first deals with the future. We want to give a child a vision for the future , we want to empower him , raise him , uplift him and certainly not put him down or pull him down with punishment or humiliate him with a forced apology. The message is we all make mistakes, and just as we can make mistakes we can fix them, and most important mistakes are our friends , an opportunity for learning. ' Failure ' is not in the falling but not getting up. We first enter his world and try to help him articulate his concerns and reassure him that the process has nothing to do with blame or getting into trouble. He then has the opportunity to take your perspective and concerns into account and together come up with a mutually satisfying solution.
When we try and make new year resolutions , or set new goals , aspirations and hopes for a new year we need to put the past on the shelf. We create our futures and the kind of future will depend on the extent of our goals , dreams and visions. If we bring the past into the picture , it will pull us down. When we focus on solutions , we can create the vision for our children. If we focus on the past , on what the kid did and how he has to pay for what he did and comply with consequences we end up 'pulling the kid ' further down into a hole of despair and mistrust.
Ultimately we need to deal with the past , because if we don't it will pull us down. But we only deal with the past once we have a vision for the future .
Once a child has a vision for the future , he feels competent with his new plan , his relationship with his teachers and parents are intact and more close , the child on his own will offer to deal with the past. His decisions will be self –determined , his act of accountability will be an expression of his inner core values and not something forced by a controlling parent or teacher.
' In her book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson makes this very point .She explained that a teacher can make it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing “a very deep kind of reassurance – the reassurance that she still care[s] about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they do] something very bad.” This posture allows “their best motives to surface,” thus giving “space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong. “If we want our students to trust that we care for them,” she concludes, “then we need to display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. It’s not that we don’t want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it.”
This is the heart of unconditional teaching, and Watson points out that it’s easier to maintain this stance, even with kids who are frequently insulting or aggressive, if we keep in mind why they’re acting that way. The idea is for the teacher to think about what these students need (emotionally speaking) and probably haven’t received. That way, she can see “the vulnerable child behind the bothersome or menacing exterior.”
The popular view is that children who misbehave are just “testing limits” – a phrase often used as a justification for imposing more limits, or punishments. But perhaps such children are testing something else entirely: the unconditionality of our care for them. Perhaps they’re acting in unacceptable ways to see if we’ll stop accepting them.
Thus, one teacher (quoted in Watson, 2003) dealt with a particularly challenging child by sitting down with him and saying, “You know what[?] I really, really like you. You can keep doing all this stuff and it’s not going to change my mind. It seems to me that you are trying to get me to dislike you, but it’s not going to work. I’m not ever going to do that.” This teacher added: “It was soon after that, and I’m not saying immediately, that his disruptive behaviors started to decrease.” The moral here is that unconditional acceptance is not only something all children deserve; it’s also a powerfully effective way to help them become better people. It’s more useful, practically speaking, than any “behavior management” plan could ever be.' - Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Teaching article
Collaborative problem solving is a far more effective at holding a kid accountable than ' doing to ' him with punishments or consequences, since the kid is participating in and actually thinking about a plan to reduce his challenging behavior and taking your concerns into account rather than merely being on the receiving in of endless adult ingenuity . – Ross Greene
The apology and saying sorry is important , but it comes at the end of the collaborative problem solving process. And it is highly likely that the apology will be voluntary and sincere. If you feel you need to remind a kid to apologize – say – If you want to apologize , you can do it when you feel you are ready .
Allan
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)