I would like to explore using CPS – collaborative problem solving in a single solution focused session with parents. I will also be relying on SDT – self determined theory and the work of Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Parenting
My basic aim will to help parents make a paradigm shift
1 Children do well if they can and not if they want to – kids would prefer to be successful and behave adaptively, and if they are struggling we need to ask what is getting in their way – their lack of skills , and not figure out how we can motivate them to behave better .
2 Rewards, punishments and consequences are motivational tools and don't teach skills.
They also have a negative effect on long term motivation as they undermine intrinsic motivation and interest. Kids learn to ask – what's in it for me , instead of reflecting of what type of person I want to be. We want to learn how to help kids motivate themselves , not how to motivate them.
3 In order to influence our kids and promote their social and emotional development we have to step back and focus on relationship and solving problems collaboratively and ' working with ' children rather than be more controlling and focusing on obedience , ' doing to ' children
4 We can help kids by being proactive and working with them , rather than doing to them and putting out fires . We must focus on being proactive rather than just responding to behavior.
A I would like parents first to reflect on the 'Long-term Objectives of Parenting'
Parents usually come to therapy feeling pretty helpless and lacking the tools to handle the chaos in their homes. Most therapists and parenting books make the promise of helping you get back in control, to get your child to do what you want, without you having to ask them.
Alfie Kohn says that Obedience: The Temptation to Control Children may become the primary goal of parents and ignore the long-term objectives of parenting.
'We may be tempted to focus our energies on overcoming children’s resistance to our requests and getting them to do what we tell them. If we’re not careful, this can become our primary goal. We may find ourselves joining all those people around us who prize docility in children and value short-term obedience above all. I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A “good” child–from infancy to adolescence–is one who isn’t too much trouble to us grown-ups.
' In my workshops for parents I like to start off asking, “What are your long-term objectives for your children? What word or phrase comes to mind to describe how you’d like them to turn out, what you want them to be like once they’ve grown?”
Take a moment to think about how you would answer that question. When I invite groups of parents to come up with the most important long-term goals they have for their kids, I hear remarkably similar responses across the country. The list produced by one audience was typical: These parents said they wanted their children to be
happy, balanced, independent, fulfilled, productive, self-reliant, responsible, functioning, kind, thoughtful, loving, inquisitive, and confident. '
Now according to the SDT research parents that support kids autonomy ( to make decisions that are in touch with their inner core values) , competence and relatedness are likely to promote the long term goals mentioned above. Focus on obedience undermines our goals.
B Short term goals
Many approaches might help in the short-term but come at a cost when we look at our long term objectives for our kids. They usually don't even help in the short run because they don't teach skills, damage the relationship with kids and cause even more tension, conflict and anxiety in the home.
Parents usually come to therapy and ask for help and tools to deal with the chaos , conflict , resistance, defiance and meltdowns. They are looking for help ' in the moment'. CPS looks at the skills that are being learned , if the child is learning to trust the process, if the relationship is improving , not short term results , in getting obedience. Often extrinsic motivators can make a kid look good , but take them away everything collapses. The real work is out of the moment. Parents are looking for help in the moment. We are not only concerned with the parents' expectations but also the concerns of the children. Chuldren have to be part of the process. It would take a pradigm shift to relinquish control and allow children to part of solutions.
CPS promotes autonomy – (not resistance and independence ) by focusing on the child's concerns and goals , competence – by promoting all the vital cognitive and life skills , and relatedness by the collaborative nature of the process and each party showing empathy by addressing the others' concerns.
CPS is based on figuring out the concerns of parents and children. Concerns in a positive sense could be goals of parents for their kids and family, expectations and a picture of how life could be in their home etc . Concerns in the negative sense would be unsolved problems, unmet expectations or concerns. CPS would be the process ( not technique) where problems are solved in a mutually satisfactory way. The best way to solve problems durably is when kids and parents collaborate and participate in the process.
Skills training – skills are trained in the context of the child's and parents ' concerns
C – Teaching the model
1 filling out the TSI – thinking skills inventory check list and unsolved problems
2 relaxing the atmosphere in the home by minimizing conflict – prioritize problems , put many problems on the shelf – Plan C , focus on connecting, bonding and dialog.
3 showing how the model works - use an example
In the moment /out of the moment
- a- empathy and reassurance stage = gathering information about the concerns of the kid – go slow here , no blame , not being be mad at the kid , kid not in trouble b- putting your concerns on the table and define the problem , c – invitation to brainstorm solutions reflecting if they are realistic and would work for both parties – d –an agreement to go back and review how things are going
4 – Out of the moment – promote connection, and bonding and also skills by general chatting , one on one time focusing on perspective taking, getting the child to speak and we listen, mentors , older brother , buddy-tutor
5 resources – web sites , forums , videos , books etc
6 possible other contributing factors – like poor sleep , bad eating habits – tired and hungry
D – nurturing oneself - dealing with negative thoughts and stress , exercise, respite , reading , empowering oneself , becoming a better problem solver , understanding the power of questions
There is no magic bullet , education , cps is a process , not a technique but by merely relaxing the atmosphere , connecting and promoting conversation the family will learn to collaborate and solve problems durably.
I would like to explore using CPS – collaborative problem solving in a single solution focused session with parents. I will also be relying on SDT – self determined theory and the work of Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Parenting
My basic aim will to help parents make a paradigm shift
1 Children do well if they can and not if they want to – kids would prefer to be successful and behave adaptively, and if they are struggling we need to ask what is getting in their way – their lack of skills , and not figure out how we can motivate them to behave better .
2 Rewards, punishments and consequences are motivational tools and don't teach skills.
They also have a negative effect on long term motivation as they undermine intrinsic motivation and interest. Kids learn to ask – what's in it for me , instead of reflecting of what type of person I want to be. We want to learn how to help kids motivate themselves , not how to motivate them.
3 In order to influence our kids and promote their social and emotional development we have to step back and focus on relationship and solving problems collaboratively and ' working with ' children rather than be more controlling and focusing on obedience , ' doing to ' children
4 We can help kids by being proactive and working with them , rather than doing to them and putting out fires . We must focus on being proactive rather than just responding to behavior.
A I would like parents first to reflect on the 'Long-term Objectives of Parenting'
Parents usually come to therapy feeling pretty helpless and lacking the tools to handle the chaos in their homes. Most therapists and parenting books make the promise of helping you get back in control, to get your child to do what you want, without you having to ask them.
Alfie Kohn says that Obedience: The Temptation to Control Children may become the primary goal of parents and ignore the long-term objectives of parenting.
'We may be tempted to focus our energies on overcoming children’s resistance to our requests and getting them to do what we tell them. If we’re not careful, this can become our primary goal. We may find ourselves joining all those people around us who prize docility in children and value short-term obedience above all. I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A “good” child–from infancy to adolescence–is one who isn’t too much trouble to us grown-ups.
' In my workshops for parents I like to start off asking, “What are your long-term objectives for your children? What word or phrase comes to mind to describe how you’d like them to turn out, what you want them to be like once they’ve grown?”
Take a moment to think about how you would answer that question. When I invite groups of parents to come up with the most important long-term goals they have for their kids, I hear remarkably similar responses across the country. The list produced by one audience was typical: These parents said they wanted their children to be
happy, balanced, independent, fulfilled, productive, self-reliant, responsible, functioning, kind, thoughtful, loving, inquisitive, and confident. '
Now according to the SDT research parents that support kids autonomy ( to make decisions that are in touch with their inner core values) , competence and relatedness are likely to promote the long term goals mentioned above. Focus on obedience undermines our goals.
B Short term goals
Many approaches might help in the short-term but come at a cost when we look at our long term objectives for our kids. They usually don't even help in the short run because they don't teach skills, damage the relationship with kids and cause even more tension, conflict and anxiety in the home.
Parents usually come to therapy and ask for help and tools to deal with the chaos , conflict , resistance, defiance and meltdowns. They are looking for help ' in the moment'. CPS looks at the skills that are being learned , if the child is learning to trust the process, if the relationship is improving , not short term results , in getting obedience. Often extrinsic motivators can make a kid look good , but take them away everything collapses. The real work is out of the moment. Parents are looking for help in the moment.
CPS promotes autonomy – (not resistance and independence ) by focusing on the child's concerns and goals , competence – by promoting all the vital cognitive and life skills , and relatedness by the collaborative nature of the process and each party showing empathy by addressing the others' concerns.
CPS is based on figuring out the concerns of parents and children. Concerns in a positive sense could be goals of parents for their kids and family, expectations and a picture of how life could be in their home etc . Concerns in the negative sense would be unsolved problems, unmet expectations or concerns. CPS would be the process ( not technique) where problems are solved in a mutually satisfactory way. The best way to solve problems durably is when kids and parents collaborate and participate in the process.
Skills training – skills are trained in the context of the child's and parents ' concerns
C – Teaching the model
1 filling out the TSI – thinking skills inventory check list and unsolved problems
2 relaxing the atmosphere in the home by minimizing conflict – prioritize problems , put many problems on the shelf – Plan C , focus on connecting, bonding and dialog.
3 showing how the model works - use an example
In the moment /out of the moment
- a- empathy and reassurance stage = gathering information about the concerns of the kid – go slow here , no blame , not being be mad at the kid , kid not in trouble b- putting your concerns on the table and define the problem , c – invitation to brainstorm solutions reflecting if they are realistic and would work for both parties – d –an agreement to go back and review how things are going
4 – Out of the moment – promote connection, and bonding and also skills by general chatting , one on one time focusing on perspective taking, getting the child to speak and we listen, mentors , older brother , buddy-tutor
5 resources – web sites , forums , videos , books etc
6 possible other contributing factors – like poor sleep , bad eating habits – tired and hungry
D – nurturing oneself - dealing with negative thoughts and stress , exercise, respite , reading , empowering oneself , becoming a better problem solver , understanding the power of questions
There is no magic bullet , education , cps is a process , not a technique but by merely relaxing the atmosphere , connecting and promoting conversation the family will learn to collaborate and solve problems durably.
Allan
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