Here are 2 quotes from Joe Bower's blog , a Freak economist Steven Levitt on incentives for school kids and an example of truly constructivist learning from 8 year old's.
I would like to explore them using Self determination Theory principles.
Few parents have the courage and independence to care more for their children's happiness than for their 'success' - Eric Fromm
I would prefer my students to be little “dumber” but a whole lot happier - William Chamberlain
http://www.joebower.org/2010/12/shame-on-you-steven-levitt.html
Eight-year-old children publish bee study in Royal Society journal.
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/notrocketscience/2010/12/21/eight-year-old-children-publish-bee-study-in-royal-society-journal/
With all the pressure on parents and kids to be successful and accepted in school and on the sports ground , little thought is given whether a child is happy or not. The first thing that parents ask teachers is – how are his test scores , is he behaving himself ? In nearly all meetings they fail to ask - is my child happy in school , does he enjoy learning ?
I make it a habit of mine to ask children in the community what they like about school - the answers I get - recess , friends etc , not learning . Pretty tragic !
The mistake parents make is that success and happiness are dichotomies. In fact I hold - If you are not happy , you will be a whole lot '' dumber''.
According to SDT , people and this includes children are intrinsically happier when they are self determined , can direct their lives and feel that their actions are autonomous. People are happy when they become connected to their inner beings , and this is when true learning takes place . This is the place , a place where kids are happy and want to learn that they can connect to their deeper selves , construct knowledge and make meaning of the world around them and offer insights which are unique to them. When kids are alienated from learning , they are not themselves , not connected to their inner beings.
Steven Levitt takes the other path , the shorter one paved with fool's gold. Paying kids for A's is given them a double reward. Alfie Kohn says the grade , the A is a reward for how well you have done , and the award is rewarding the kid a second time by giving him a reward that is scarce. The kids in the video clip seem very happy . Unfortunately the happiness is not even for the A grades , but for the $$$s and Limo ride.
Now Steven Levitt makes the point that if we want to improve tests scores we should invest in students by giving them incentives rather than in our reforms or teaching. This is freak economics , but not sound economics. Yong Zhao says that Chinese education is producing people with high test scores but low ability. The greatest economic resource a country has is its people. If we invest in people , help them become more self determined, competent, autonomous and interrelated will not only have more successful people , but also people who love learning and love people.
Happiness and success are dependent on one another. Constructivist learning provides an opportunity for the construction and integration of knowledge that becomes part of the child. When kids study for good grades , they forget all they learned as soon as they leave the examination hall. And what reinforces this the grades and award ceremonies.
The 8 year old bee study is evidence of true education which brings with it success and happiness.
There is also social and moral learning. Kids learn when they have opportunities to reflect on pro-social behavior and solve problems using CPS- collaborative problem solving , in a collaborative way finding mutually satisfying solutions. When teachers and parents use consequences to deal with problems , ' doing to ' children certainly does not bring with it happiness. When rewards are used to get children to comply with adult demands , kids are in fact being punished by being given a substitute for real intrinsic rewards and having problem solved taking their concerns into account. CPS promotes real happiness in our children , because it is the way where their problems are being solved and their concerns are being addressed.
Allan
Friday, December 24, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Social Skills Training - Part 1
Social competence is critical for a child's development. Many kids particular those with challenging behaviors and who may also have a diagnosis have deficits in social skills. The research into the effectiveness of Social Skills training SST has showed not encouraging results for long term benefits and generalization to real life contexts.
Social competence is the ability to obtain successful outcomes from social interactions with others. It reflects the child's ability to integrate behavioral, cognitive and emotional skills in order to adapt flexibly to various social contexts and demands.
Social Skills include a series of non-verbal responses such as appropriate use of eye contact, posture, social distance, use of gesture and facial expressions and verbal responses such as tone, rate and volume of speech, clarity of speech , influence of emotions – anger, fear, happiness, etc conveyed which will influence how others will respond. Children need conversation skills, how to initiate conversations at the appropriate moment , selecting relevant topics for conversation, asking questions, requesting help, offering assistance and invitations, asking to join in etc .
Here is a list of interventions used to train social skills including CPS –collaborative problem solving.
Traditionally SST has focused on teaching behavioral aspects of social responding using direct instruction and role play. Other interventions such as interpersonal problem solving skills training, cognitive restructuring , training in social perception and perspective taking, self regulation skills, emotional regulation skills and modifying environmental contingencies are now being used in association with SST.
A - direct instruction, discussion and modeling skills providing information of how and why the skills are performed , breaking down skills into small steps.
B- Behavioral rehearsal, role play and practice - This is important for skill acquisition and improvement and opportunities should be found for children to practice their skills in various natural settings – in the home , school and at friends
Feedback , Encouragement of reinforcement.
Feedback helps children to make improvements and get help when they are having difficulties. When done in a constructive way and encouraging way children learn to reflect on how their actions affect others , self evaluate and experience pride in their achievements. This is considered better than verbal praise and tangible reinforcers.
Social Perception skills training teaches children to monitor and identify cues relating to their own emotions , feelings and perspectives and those of others with whom they are interacting and understanding the social context and rules. This helps them identify social problems and adapt to the situation.
Interpersonal problem solving skills training – children are taught to identify problems, think of alternative solutions, predict the consequences of each solution, and then select the most appropriate solution.
Self-instructional and self regulation training helps children use self talk and internal dialog to monitor thinking and guide their behavior and can be used in training of social problem solving steps.
Emotion regulation skills help the child to manage his emotional response to frustration and think rationally and deal with irritability or anxiety.
Cognitive therapy to help children with distorted thinking.
Contingency management – a behaviorist approach using rewards and consequences to encourage pro-social behavior. This type of intervention is not recommended by non-behaviorists who show that this approach teaches kids only to think of themselves.
Collaborative problem solving – CPS
Cps teaches various lacking cognitive skills like executive functions, language processing skills, emotional regulation skills, social skills and cognitive flexibility when teachers and parents collaborate with children to solve real problems in a mutually satisfactory way. Skills need to taught in the context of the child's concerns and unsolved problems and not in a top-down manner.
Allan
Social competence is the ability to obtain successful outcomes from social interactions with others. It reflects the child's ability to integrate behavioral, cognitive and emotional skills in order to adapt flexibly to various social contexts and demands.
Social Skills include a series of non-verbal responses such as appropriate use of eye contact, posture, social distance, use of gesture and facial expressions and verbal responses such as tone, rate and volume of speech, clarity of speech , influence of emotions – anger, fear, happiness, etc conveyed which will influence how others will respond. Children need conversation skills, how to initiate conversations at the appropriate moment , selecting relevant topics for conversation, asking questions, requesting help, offering assistance and invitations, asking to join in etc .
Here is a list of interventions used to train social skills including CPS –collaborative problem solving.
Traditionally SST has focused on teaching behavioral aspects of social responding using direct instruction and role play. Other interventions such as interpersonal problem solving skills training, cognitive restructuring , training in social perception and perspective taking, self regulation skills, emotional regulation skills and modifying environmental contingencies are now being used in association with SST.
A - direct instruction, discussion and modeling skills providing information of how and why the skills are performed , breaking down skills into small steps.
B- Behavioral rehearsal, role play and practice - This is important for skill acquisition and improvement and opportunities should be found for children to practice their skills in various natural settings – in the home , school and at friends
Feedback , Encouragement of reinforcement.
Feedback helps children to make improvements and get help when they are having difficulties. When done in a constructive way and encouraging way children learn to reflect on how their actions affect others , self evaluate and experience pride in their achievements. This is considered better than verbal praise and tangible reinforcers.
Social Perception skills training teaches children to monitor and identify cues relating to their own emotions , feelings and perspectives and those of others with whom they are interacting and understanding the social context and rules. This helps them identify social problems and adapt to the situation.
Interpersonal problem solving skills training – children are taught to identify problems, think of alternative solutions, predict the consequences of each solution, and then select the most appropriate solution.
Self-instructional and self regulation training helps children use self talk and internal dialog to monitor thinking and guide their behavior and can be used in training of social problem solving steps.
Emotion regulation skills help the child to manage his emotional response to frustration and think rationally and deal with irritability or anxiety.
Cognitive therapy to help children with distorted thinking.
Contingency management – a behaviorist approach using rewards and consequences to encourage pro-social behavior. This type of intervention is not recommended by non-behaviorists who show that this approach teaches kids only to think of themselves.
Collaborative problem solving – CPS
Cps teaches various lacking cognitive skills like executive functions, language processing skills, emotional regulation skills, social skills and cognitive flexibility when teachers and parents collaborate with children to solve real problems in a mutually satisfactory way. Skills need to taught in the context of the child's concerns and unsolved problems and not in a top-down manner.
Allan
Monday, December 13, 2010
Mindfulness for children
I have a friend who believes in the 10% principle , finding different methods or approaches which compliment CPS – collaborative problem solving. These include medication for mood or chronic impulsivity , good sleep , healthy and regular eating so kids are not hungry , hobbies and personal interests, mentors , sport or exercise and very important meditation and relaxation techniques .
The Mindfulnes approach teaches people and kids to pay attention and to relax . Susan KaiserGreenland has written a book and has some video clips on mindfulness for children.
http://www.susankaisergreenland.com/
http://www.susankaisergreenland.com/clips.html
here are some insights from a parent who uses relaxation and mindfulness with her children.
'Here is one of the books that my dear son and I used to read night after night. You start at the head and work your way down to the feet with this book. It helps w/ relaxation, visualization and breathing. He loved it when he was young.
http://www.amazon.com/Boy-Bear-Childrens-Relaxation-Book/dp/1886941076#_
There are others that come up when you go to Amazon that follow the same principal. This one is to help get to sleep but there are others that teach visualization as a way to slow heart rate, break the stress loop and in general hit pause.
I recommend "The Mindful Child" by Susan Kaiser Greenland.
She offers hope through mindfulness and describes it thusly,
"Mindfulness is an offer of hope as it brings awareness to what happens in one's thoughts, emotions and the physical sensations these engender not with the goal of controlling the mind but of transforming it." She works with children of all religions and beliefs (and their parents).
I don't know how young would be to young as my son(who is 5) uses a mindful vocabulary. He is learning how to talk about his emotions, thoughts, and physical feelings. He will ask for quiet to think. He is learning introspection in a young form
Another thing we used to do was involve my dear son in taking pictures of himself doing activities that calmed him. We would talk about how he could use those pictures (mount them on paper, hole punch and put a ring around) when he wasn't calm to remind him how to be or get calm.
Visual cues can be quite helpful.
I find this different for different age groups. When my ds was younger, we would use picture schedules/reminders. That way even if the mind wanders there is a way to bring it back on track. And actually a wandering mind is better for explosiveness as it can be diverted from that part of the brain used for fight or flight easier. So, that's a good thing.
Here is a site that has information on picture schedules/reminders, etc.
http://www.augresources.com/PictureScheduleIdeas.htm
These ideas transfer easily to use as reminders when the mind wanders. We get used to pulling them out.
I have found them great for young kids too with help re: coping skills. They are upset or agitated and don't know how to calm down (their minds are locked or looping) and they have the pictures (one can make their own pictures) depicting the steps used...breathing....visualizing the bear, etc. '
Teaching mindfulness to children
Allan
The Mindfulnes approach teaches people and kids to pay attention and to relax . Susan KaiserGreenland has written a book and has some video clips on mindfulness for children.
http://www.susankaisergreenland.com/
http://www.susankaisergreenland.com/clips.html
here are some insights from a parent who uses relaxation and mindfulness with her children.
'Here is one of the books that my dear son and I used to read night after night. You start at the head and work your way down to the feet with this book. It helps w/ relaxation, visualization and breathing. He loved it when he was young.
http://www.amazon.com/Boy-Bear-Childrens-Relaxation-Book/dp/1886941076#_
There are others that come up when you go to Amazon that follow the same principal. This one is to help get to sleep but there are others that teach visualization as a way to slow heart rate, break the stress loop and in general hit pause.
I recommend "The Mindful Child" by Susan Kaiser Greenland.
She offers hope through mindfulness and describes it thusly,
"Mindfulness is an offer of hope as it brings awareness to what happens in one's thoughts, emotions and the physical sensations these engender not with the goal of controlling the mind but of transforming it." She works with children of all religions and beliefs (and their parents).
I don't know how young would be to young as my son(who is 5) uses a mindful vocabulary. He is learning how to talk about his emotions, thoughts, and physical feelings. He will ask for quiet to think. He is learning introspection in a young form
Another thing we used to do was involve my dear son in taking pictures of himself doing activities that calmed him. We would talk about how he could use those pictures (mount them on paper, hole punch and put a ring around) when he wasn't calm to remind him how to be or get calm.
Visual cues can be quite helpful.
I find this different for different age groups. When my ds was younger, we would use picture schedules/reminders. That way even if the mind wanders there is a way to bring it back on track. And actually a wandering mind is better for explosiveness as it can be diverted from that part of the brain used for fight or flight easier. So, that's a good thing.
Here is a site that has information on picture schedules/reminders, etc.
http://www.augresources.com/PictureScheduleIdeas.htm
These ideas transfer easily to use as reminders when the mind wanders. We get used to pulling them out.
I have found them great for young kids too with help re: coping skills. They are upset or agitated and don't know how to calm down (their minds are locked or looping) and they have the pictures (one can make their own pictures) depicting the steps used...breathing....visualizing the bear, etc. '
Teaching mindfulness to children
Allan
Meltdowns and Parental Creativity
I can well understand parents wanting tools to help them deal with meltdowns . The feelings of despair and helplessness remain long after the meltdown where your child has spiraled out of control. These negative feelings are pretty dangerous as we tend to loose sight of the big picture , the progress our child may be making and we start looking for the ' quick fixes. He needs a shaking up , heavy consequences so he would never dream of ever behaving like that again. We forget that ' children do well if they can ' and that it takes 2 to tango . What role did we play in the scenario. ? Did we act like a THERMOSTAT to help the kid cool down or did we throw more fuel on the fire. ?
We should relate to meltdowns as a big wave coming at you , you put your head down and ride it out. This is not the time for collaborative problem solving – emergency Plan B and certainly not a time for Plan A – using power . This is a time to help your child calm down and get back on track and this requires creativity.
A typical ' explosive child ' - inflexible , low frustration tolerance , poor adaptability etc exploded because her father had lit the candle = attendant/shamash used to light the other Hanukah candles. The kid was also pretty nervous as she had planned to go to her grandparents nearby and work on a family 'roots' project and then go to a youth group meeting. The candle lighting ceremony takes about 15 minutes.
Her parents tried to calm her down by saying that it was no big deal that her father had lit the ' shamash ' candle - not the Hanukah candle itself , she would be able to light this candle on the following nights. The kid was angry with her father and was not polite at all and wanted to leave the ceremony and go to her grandparents. Her dad did not allow her to leave and then because she was rude , she was given a consequence of staying in her room and not be allowed to go to the group meeting. The dad had to leave the home with the mom protesting that she had to deal with the kid's raging and that it was unfair that the dad who had given the consequence was not there to deal with the kid.
The way to deal with meltdowns is to AVOID them. We avoid them by creating an environment which is user friendly , get rid of potential triggers , have a happy , calm and relaxed atmosphere, plenty of chatting and bonding and most important –working together to find mutually , realistic and doable solutions to unsolved problems.
The constraints of time often are triggers for explosive behavior. It would have been helpful if the kid with the help of her parents had made a schedule of her day - that would make her day predictable with inbuilt room for flexibility. Lists and schedules are great because it is not the parent telling the kid what to do , but the list or schedule which the kid has made.
When a kid is showing signs of frustration it is time for parental creativity. If the parents had also focused on their role in the interaction and the need for some creativity instead of just trying to calm the kid down , they would have come up with the obvious solution – put out the candle and apologize. Being creative is better than emergency Plan B.
It is also better to be proactive and come up with a plan with the child to help the kid calm down. You can build a ' comfort corner ' or a little tent with books , beanbag chair ,tape , games , coloring books etc that the kid chooses to distract him and help him calm down. Food , snacks or drinks can also have a calming down affect. Kids can do some quick exercise , walk around the block , skipping rope or have mom give them a massage or let them have a warm bubble bath. Meditation and breathing techniques are very useful. The family as a whole can learn this techniques and spend time relaxing . Kids who know how to use these techniques find them very useful in calming themselves down. Instead of being angry , kids can put their thoughts on paper and journalize the things that make them angry, sad or happy. This journal is something private , only for their eyes , which they can tear up when they feel fit.
When the meltdown is on its way , our aim is to stop the emotional rush by distracting the brain into ' thinking' about something different. You can do something different – stand on your head , dance like a crazy woman etc. Giving a kid something very different to touch , or a snack , drink can change thinking. If the kid is ranting and raving , just be there to listen silently , with the occasional 'oh' or I hear yuh and wait for the energy to dissipate . Sometimes the meltdown has to run its course - the kid needs to release that tied up frustration. Kids will also try to do things which will seems to be provocative. Do not respond and let them have the last word.
We deal with meltdowns by avoiding them and working on solutions for unsolved problems. The more problem solving exercises the child experience , whether he is collaboratively problem solving his own personal issues or discussing perspectives and concerns of others , he will become a better thinker – a person who can think straight and find various alternative solutions to one problem is less unlikely to have a meltdown.
Allan
We should relate to meltdowns as a big wave coming at you , you put your head down and ride it out. This is not the time for collaborative problem solving – emergency Plan B and certainly not a time for Plan A – using power . This is a time to help your child calm down and get back on track and this requires creativity.
A typical ' explosive child ' - inflexible , low frustration tolerance , poor adaptability etc exploded because her father had lit the candle = attendant/shamash used to light the other Hanukah candles. The kid was also pretty nervous as she had planned to go to her grandparents nearby and work on a family 'roots' project and then go to a youth group meeting. The candle lighting ceremony takes about 15 minutes.
Her parents tried to calm her down by saying that it was no big deal that her father had lit the ' shamash ' candle - not the Hanukah candle itself , she would be able to light this candle on the following nights. The kid was angry with her father and was not polite at all and wanted to leave the ceremony and go to her grandparents. Her dad did not allow her to leave and then because she was rude , she was given a consequence of staying in her room and not be allowed to go to the group meeting. The dad had to leave the home with the mom protesting that she had to deal with the kid's raging and that it was unfair that the dad who had given the consequence was not there to deal with the kid.
The way to deal with meltdowns is to AVOID them. We avoid them by creating an environment which is user friendly , get rid of potential triggers , have a happy , calm and relaxed atmosphere, plenty of chatting and bonding and most important –working together to find mutually , realistic and doable solutions to unsolved problems.
The constraints of time often are triggers for explosive behavior. It would have been helpful if the kid with the help of her parents had made a schedule of her day - that would make her day predictable with inbuilt room for flexibility. Lists and schedules are great because it is not the parent telling the kid what to do , but the list or schedule which the kid has made.
When a kid is showing signs of frustration it is time for parental creativity. If the parents had also focused on their role in the interaction and the need for some creativity instead of just trying to calm the kid down , they would have come up with the obvious solution – put out the candle and apologize. Being creative is better than emergency Plan B.
It is also better to be proactive and come up with a plan with the child to help the kid calm down. You can build a ' comfort corner ' or a little tent with books , beanbag chair ,tape , games , coloring books etc that the kid chooses to distract him and help him calm down. Food , snacks or drinks can also have a calming down affect. Kids can do some quick exercise , walk around the block , skipping rope or have mom give them a massage or let them have a warm bubble bath. Meditation and breathing techniques are very useful. The family as a whole can learn this techniques and spend time relaxing . Kids who know how to use these techniques find them very useful in calming themselves down. Instead of being angry , kids can put their thoughts on paper and journalize the things that make them angry, sad or happy. This journal is something private , only for their eyes , which they can tear up when they feel fit.
When the meltdown is on its way , our aim is to stop the emotional rush by distracting the brain into ' thinking' about something different. You can do something different – stand on your head , dance like a crazy woman etc. Giving a kid something very different to touch , or a snack , drink can change thinking. If the kid is ranting and raving , just be there to listen silently , with the occasional 'oh' or I hear yuh and wait for the energy to dissipate . Sometimes the meltdown has to run its course - the kid needs to release that tied up frustration. Kids will also try to do things which will seems to be provocative. Do not respond and let them have the last word.
We deal with meltdowns by avoiding them and working on solutions for unsolved problems. The more problem solving exercises the child experience , whether he is collaboratively problem solving his own personal issues or discussing perspectives and concerns of others , he will become a better thinker – a person who can think straight and find various alternative solutions to one problem is less unlikely to have a meltdown.
Allan
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Hanukah parenting message - Love your children for no good reason
At the present time Jews are celebrating the holiday of Hanukah , known as the festival of lights , commemorating the rededication of the holy temple in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean revolt of the 2nd century BCE. The festival is observed for 8 nights by kindling candles on a unique candelabrum , one additional light on each night of the holiday , progressing to 8 on the final night depicting the miracle of the oil which should have been enough to light the candelabrum in the temple for one day but lasted 8 days until new pure oil could be made.
There is an extra candle called the 'shamash= attendant ' –which is raised above the other candles . The purpose of the shamash is to have a light available for use , as using the Hanukah lights themselves is forbidden. They are meant to be art , conveying a spiritual message and not for personal use.
What is the rationale behind this ruling ?
When we relate to things or even to people in terms of how they can benefit us , we tend to be very judgmental. Parents look at their kids as extensions of themselves , whether they are meeting their expectations , successful or making trouble , teachers do the same with their students and adults with their spouses.
If we can benefit from the candles , we tend to see what they can do for us and this gets in the way of us investing in appreciating the spiritual message of the candles , the power of light over darkness , how a little light , how a small amount of purity can drive away impurity and darkness.
If we look at our children in terms of how they affect us , how they benefit us , how they impact on our lives we will fail to see their uniqueness and specialness. Our love will ultimately become conditional and contingent on how well they behave or how they perform at school.
Alfie Kohn in his book ' Unconditional Parents ' says
'I want to defend the idea of unconditional parenting on the basis of both a value judgment and a prediction. The value judgment is, very simply, that children shouldn't have to earn our approval. We ought to love them, as my friend Deborah says, "for no good reason." Furthermore, what counts is not just that we believe we love them unconditionally, but that they feel loved in that way.
The prediction, meanwhile, is that loving children unconditionally will have a positive effect. It's not only the right thing to do, morally speaking, but also a smart thing to do. Children need to be loved as they are, and for who they are. When that happens, they can accept themselves as fundamentally good people, even when they screw up or fall short. And with this basic need met, they're also freer to accept (and help) other people. Unconditional love, in short, is what children require in order to flourish.'
Allan
There is an extra candle called the 'shamash= attendant ' –which is raised above the other candles . The purpose of the shamash is to have a light available for use , as using the Hanukah lights themselves is forbidden. They are meant to be art , conveying a spiritual message and not for personal use.
What is the rationale behind this ruling ?
When we relate to things or even to people in terms of how they can benefit us , we tend to be very judgmental. Parents look at their kids as extensions of themselves , whether they are meeting their expectations , successful or making trouble , teachers do the same with their students and adults with their spouses.
If we can benefit from the candles , we tend to see what they can do for us and this gets in the way of us investing in appreciating the spiritual message of the candles , the power of light over darkness , how a little light , how a small amount of purity can drive away impurity and darkness.
If we look at our children in terms of how they affect us , how they benefit us , how they impact on our lives we will fail to see their uniqueness and specialness. Our love will ultimately become conditional and contingent on how well they behave or how they perform at school.
Alfie Kohn in his book ' Unconditional Parents ' says
'I want to defend the idea of unconditional parenting on the basis of both a value judgment and a prediction. The value judgment is, very simply, that children shouldn't have to earn our approval. We ought to love them, as my friend Deborah says, "for no good reason." Furthermore, what counts is not just that we believe we love them unconditionally, but that they feel loved in that way.
The prediction, meanwhile, is that loving children unconditionally will have a positive effect. It's not only the right thing to do, morally speaking, but also a smart thing to do. Children need to be loved as they are, and for who they are. When that happens, they can accept themselves as fundamentally good people, even when they screw up or fall short. And with this basic need met, they're also freer to accept (and help) other people. Unconditional love, in short, is what children require in order to flourish.'
Allan
Sunday, November 28, 2010
I Don't care - I don't mind - Kids don't need to own our concerns
Chatting, general conversations, and dialog with our kids is important not only for relationship but they are non-emotive activities where the cps skills can be learned and the problem solving process understood. Kids need to appreciate that we solve problems by laying side by side various concerns or perspectives , define the problem , brainstorm solutions which are realistic, and doable. When we discuss problems that we have read in the press or see/read in the media or even fictitious stories , we learn to identify the concerns, motives and perspectives of others and think how we can brainstorm and come up with realistic, doable and mutually satisfying solutions. The child learns that problems are solved by ' working with ' people and talking it through focusing on concerns and then solutions. Most adults solve problems by negotiation- dueling of solutions instead of taking a step back to understand the cause of the problem and identify concerns.
It would be great if kids would empathy or identify with the concerns of others , but not owning the concerns of others does not get in the way of taking into account the concerns or perspective of others in order to solve a problem. The aim is to find a solution that both parties can live with. When kids have the opportunity to reflect on problems , the different perspectives and concerns , it will be easier for them to take our perspective despite the emotive nature of the issue
So after a kid says - I don't care , I don't mind not having a shower ' the Mom
Can - re empathizing, redefining the problem and inviting say :
I know you don't care , I know you don't mind not having a shower. But I mind. Remember we are trying to come up with a solution that will make both of us happy. Going for a couple of days without taking a shower , doesn't make me happy . I think we can find a way to solve the problem in a way that we both can be happy. So can we try again.?
It often happens that parents are so desperate to find ANY solution that the kid will agree to , that they give up on their concerns. We need to be pretty assertive on putting our concerns on the table and if the process gets stuck , we can always say that we will take a break and come back to the problem , in the meantime each of us can try on our own think of a solution that will take into account both concerns. The problem often arises where we have not spent enough time on the concerns. Instead the focus becomes 2 solutions and we have a situation - the dueling of solutions or negotiation.
If we cannot come up with a mutually satisfying solution , then we might try a ' bit of give and take ' or ask for a third party to help the parties reach an agreed solution.
Here are some insights from the thinkkids.blog on
I Don't Care
4/8/2008
The first step of Plan B gets your child’s concern or perspective on the table. In the second step of Plan B, you as parent get to put your concern or perspective on the table before the third step involves inviting your child to brainstorm some potential solutions to the problem. Right after step 2 you might find yourself stuck if your kid says, “I don’t care about your concern!”
Is that a show-stopper for Plan B? Is caring about the adult concern necessary to do Plan B? You might be surprised by the answer: No. While it would be great for your child to truly care about your concern or perspective, s/he actually only has to take it into account when thinking about potential solutions. She doesn’t need to “own” your concern, appreciate it fully, or even agree with your perspective necessarily. So when you get confronted with “I don’t care” you actually have a pretty easy response, “You don’t have to care about it. It’s my concern, not yours!” The process of doing Plan B does require taking the other person’s perspective or concern into account but that does not mean that one has to be as invested in it as the other person. In fact, we often ask folks, do you really care as much about your kid’s concern as they do? For example, is their GameBoy time as important to you as them completing their homework? Probably not! But that doesn’t mean that you can’t take their perspective into account when trying to generate some mutually satisfactory solutions to the problem. One more piece of good news: we find over time that the process of doing Plan B teaches kids (and us parents!) to care more about each other’s concerns as we come to see that this caring doesn’t come at the cost of addressing our own concerns.
A final thought for today: Why don’t kids care about their parent’s concerns anyway? Could be many different reasons but sometimes its as simple as that we’ve taught them (through the use of Plan A) that we aren’t too invested in their concerns. In other words, if you do a lot of Plan A, don’t be surprised to .
Allan
It would be great if kids would empathy or identify with the concerns of others , but not owning the concerns of others does not get in the way of taking into account the concerns or perspective of others in order to solve a problem. The aim is to find a solution that both parties can live with. When kids have the opportunity to reflect on problems , the different perspectives and concerns , it will be easier for them to take our perspective despite the emotive nature of the issue
So after a kid says - I don't care , I don't mind not having a shower ' the Mom
Can - re empathizing, redefining the problem and inviting say :
I know you don't care , I know you don't mind not having a shower. But I mind. Remember we are trying to come up with a solution that will make both of us happy. Going for a couple of days without taking a shower , doesn't make me happy . I think we can find a way to solve the problem in a way that we both can be happy. So can we try again.?
It often happens that parents are so desperate to find ANY solution that the kid will agree to , that they give up on their concerns. We need to be pretty assertive on putting our concerns on the table and if the process gets stuck , we can always say that we will take a break and come back to the problem , in the meantime each of us can try on our own think of a solution that will take into account both concerns. The problem often arises where we have not spent enough time on the concerns. Instead the focus becomes 2 solutions and we have a situation - the dueling of solutions or negotiation.
If we cannot come up with a mutually satisfying solution , then we might try a ' bit of give and take ' or ask for a third party to help the parties reach an agreed solution.
Here are some insights from the thinkkids.blog on
I Don't Care
4/8/2008
The first step of Plan B gets your child’s concern or perspective on the table. In the second step of Plan B, you as parent get to put your concern or perspective on the table before the third step involves inviting your child to brainstorm some potential solutions to the problem. Right after step 2 you might find yourself stuck if your kid says, “I don’t care about your concern!”
Is that a show-stopper for Plan B? Is caring about the adult concern necessary to do Plan B? You might be surprised by the answer: No. While it would be great for your child to truly care about your concern or perspective, s/he actually only has to take it into account when thinking about potential solutions. She doesn’t need to “own” your concern, appreciate it fully, or even agree with your perspective necessarily. So when you get confronted with “I don’t care” you actually have a pretty easy response, “You don’t have to care about it. It’s my concern, not yours!” The process of doing Plan B does require taking the other person’s perspective or concern into account but that does not mean that one has to be as invested in it as the other person. In fact, we often ask folks, do you really care as much about your kid’s concern as they do? For example, is their GameBoy time as important to you as them completing their homework? Probably not! But that doesn’t mean that you can’t take their perspective into account when trying to generate some mutually satisfactory solutions to the problem. One more piece of good news: we find over time that the process of doing Plan B teaches kids (and us parents!) to care more about each other’s concerns as we come to see that this caring doesn’t come at the cost of addressing our own concerns.
A final thought for today: Why don’t kids care about their parent’s concerns anyway? Could be many different reasons but sometimes its as simple as that we’ve taught them (through the use of Plan A) that we aren’t too invested in their concerns. In other words, if you do a lot of Plan A, don’t be surprised to .
Allan
Monday, November 22, 2010
Neuroplasticity - CPS /SDT vs behaviorism
The standard treatment for ADHD kids and other challenging kids has been behavior modification programs. Based on behaviorist principles, one could modify behavior using extrinsic rewards, consequences and punishments. There has been a movement away from punishment and parents are recommended to use rewards - ' honey catches more flies than vinegar '.
There is growing evidence that the effects of behavior modification do not generalize to other areas or persist after the rewards are taken away.
Dan Pink , the author of the book ' Drive ' that deals with motivation shows that incentives and rewards narrow a person's vision and thinking. When tasks involve some thinking and exploration , a wider perpective and focus , rewards get in the way and narrow focus.
Self Determined theory researchers have shown that rewards undermine intrinsic motivation, and kids lose interest in the activity. In the short term, we may get compliance but there is unlikely to be any commitment to the values taught.
CPS – collaborative problem solving approach sees behavior challenges as not a behavioral problem or a motivational problem but the kid is lacking various cognitive skills , in other words he lacks ' competence '. This is due to a developmental delay in the brain affecting many cognitive skills.
The standard treatment of medication and behavior modification is not a cure for ADHD and other challenges. CPS on the other hand promotes lacking skills.
But that is not everything – CPS produces changes in the brain.
'Neuroscience has changed considerably in the past 20 years. An example of change over period is the concept of brain plasticity. Brain plasticity refers to the brain's ability to rewire itself, relocating information processing functions to different brain areas and/or neural networks. Two decades ago, it was believed that brain networks were static after its initial formation period. Now that belief has changed. The study of brain plasticity has profound implications in human learning and behavior, and as such, for mental health.'
In his book – To cure ADHD http://www.tocureadhd.com/
Dr Gimpel recommends BET - Brain exercise therapy and CPS not only as Dr Greene says to help promote lacking skills , but CPS makes actual positive physical changes in the brain.
The way we parent can impact on our kids' physical brains as well. If we parent unconditionally , support their autonomy = their perceptions that their actions are self directed and connected to their inner core and not reactions or resistance to parental authority , competence , good relationships and solve problems in a collaborative way we promote growth in the brain. If our parenting is conditional and contingent using rewards to get compliance we impact on kids' brains in a negative way.
From the Self Determined theory site ' Some of the most surprising insights to emerge from SDT research call into question the traditional use of incentives. For example, behavioral research has shown that extrinsic rewards, like money or grades, actually undermine a person's interest in voluntarily engaging in a task. In short, rewards can backfire.
Kou Murayama from the University of Munich, Germany explored the neurobiology underlying this counterintuitive finding at the conference. In a recent study, Murayama and his colleagues scanned the brains of participants before and after completing a timed task. One group of participants was promised a reward. A second group performed the task with no incentive, although afterward they were surprised with compensation.
Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), the study showed that entirely different areas of the brain are activated by the same task depending on whether a person anticipates a payoff or not. When focused on a reward, the brain switches off those areas associated with voluntary or self-initiated activities. '
Allan
There is growing evidence that the effects of behavior modification do not generalize to other areas or persist after the rewards are taken away.
Dan Pink , the author of the book ' Drive ' that deals with motivation shows that incentives and rewards narrow a person's vision and thinking. When tasks involve some thinking and exploration , a wider perpective and focus , rewards get in the way and narrow focus.
Self Determined theory researchers have shown that rewards undermine intrinsic motivation, and kids lose interest in the activity. In the short term, we may get compliance but there is unlikely to be any commitment to the values taught.
CPS – collaborative problem solving approach sees behavior challenges as not a behavioral problem or a motivational problem but the kid is lacking various cognitive skills , in other words he lacks ' competence '. This is due to a developmental delay in the brain affecting many cognitive skills.
The standard treatment of medication and behavior modification is not a cure for ADHD and other challenges. CPS on the other hand promotes lacking skills.
But that is not everything – CPS produces changes in the brain.
'Neuroscience has changed considerably in the past 20 years. An example of change over period is the concept of brain plasticity. Brain plasticity refers to the brain's ability to rewire itself, relocating information processing functions to different brain areas and/or neural networks. Two decades ago, it was believed that brain networks were static after its initial formation period. Now that belief has changed. The study of brain plasticity has profound implications in human learning and behavior, and as such, for mental health.'
In his book – To cure ADHD http://www.tocureadhd.com/
Dr Gimpel recommends BET - Brain exercise therapy and CPS not only as Dr Greene says to help promote lacking skills , but CPS makes actual positive physical changes in the brain.
The way we parent can impact on our kids' physical brains as well. If we parent unconditionally , support their autonomy = their perceptions that their actions are self directed and connected to their inner core and not reactions or resistance to parental authority , competence , good relationships and solve problems in a collaborative way we promote growth in the brain. If our parenting is conditional and contingent using rewards to get compliance we impact on kids' brains in a negative way.
From the Self Determined theory site ' Some of the most surprising insights to emerge from SDT research call into question the traditional use of incentives. For example, behavioral research has shown that extrinsic rewards, like money or grades, actually undermine a person's interest in voluntarily engaging in a task. In short, rewards can backfire.
Kou Murayama from the University of Munich, Germany explored the neurobiology underlying this counterintuitive finding at the conference. In a recent study, Murayama and his colleagues scanned the brains of participants before and after completing a timed task. One group of participants was promised a reward. A second group performed the task with no incentive, although afterward they were surprised with compensation.
Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), the study showed that entirely different areas of the brain are activated by the same task depending on whether a person anticipates a payoff or not. When focused on a reward, the brain switches off those areas associated with voluntary or self-initiated activities. '
Allan
Monday, November 15, 2010
Plan B- Step 3 - invitation to brainstorm mutually satisfying solutions
Before we start the CPS process we should try to connect with the child and enter his world. Pro-active , out of the moment problem solving enables us to find a good time and place to first connect , maybe over a treat , to feel good about one another and then move into the problem solving process.
The first step in the collaborative problem solving process is the empathy step where we focus on gathering information about the child's concerns and if necessary we reassure him that we are not going to force him to do anything – use Plan A but we just want to listen and hear his concerns and perspective.
The second step is then putting your concerns on the table, laying the concerns side by side and then defining the problem in an objective way.
The third step is the invitation to brainstorm and find various mutually satisfying solutions which are realistic and doable. We should try and find more than one solution.
We need to remember that the process of CPS provides learning opportunities and acquiring skills. It is a process and not a technique. Techniques focus on achievement or the end result. CPS focuses on the process. Every step of the way , you and your child are learning new skills.
3.
Invitation to Brainstorm
Frame the problem:
“I wonder if there’s a way that….” (repeat their concerns and your concerns)
Give kid first crack at it (“Do you have any ideas?) -- but provide help if needed
The New, Improved Invitation - from the http://thinkkids.org blog
11/22/2007
Since the model described in the book Treating Explosive Kids: The Collaborative Problem Solving Approach is a fairly new model, one of the most exciting things is watching it develop over time. We are constantly on the lookout for ways to improve the model so it’s easier to understand and more effective to use. Hearing about the successes and failures of folks like you trying the model lets us know what works and what still needs some work. And then these blogs provide a good way for us to get new developments in the model out to you all quickly. So here’s one of the latest:
The first two steps of Plan B (the Empathy step and the Define the Problem step) are intended to get your child’s concerns and then your concerns on the table. The third step is the Invitation where you invite your child to help brainstorm solutions that reconcile those two sets of concerns. In the past, we instructed people to use generic invitations like: “Let’s see how we can solve this. Do you have any ideas?” or “Let’s see how we can work this out. Do you have any ideas?” But recently we realized that sometimes generic invitations like this left people short, and the first response from the kid was often something like, “Nope!” or “Solve what? Work what out?!” Not surprising really since many challenging kids have trouble with focus and working memory(both things needed to retain all the information you gathered in the first two steps of Plan B)! So nowadays, we suggest using much more specific Invitations that recap the concerns to be reconciled. Using a phrase like, “I wonder if there’s way …” can also help lead a horse to water (or in this case, lead your kid and you to some possible solutions!). So here’s what the new, improved Invitation might sound like then: “I wonder if there’s way for you to be comfortable and yet still look half way decent for the party. Got any ideas? Or I wonder if there’s a way that you can make sure to get some time playing your Game boy without it interfering with your homework. Do you have any ideas? Or I wonder if there’s way that you can have a snack when you’re hungry without losing your appetite for dinner?” Now, ready for a few more examples on some tougher issues? The process is still the same: “I wonder if there’s a way for you to be able to stay out late with you friends with us still knowing where you are and what you are up to. Got any ideas? Or I wonder if there’s way to show your boyfriend how much you care about him without moving too fast or risking getting pregnant? Or I wonder if there’s a way to help slow down your mind at night so you can fall asleep without having to use drugs that are illegal and might be addictive?”
Of course all of these new, improved Invitations can only be possible after doing the hard work of the first two steps of Proactive Plan B to clarify each person’s concerns. Not even the best invitation can rescue Plan B from poorly defined concerns unfortunately! Oh, and by the way, when your kid starts getting irritated with hearing you say, “I wonder if there’s a way” all the time, feel free to depart from the script and say it in your own words! Maybe something like, “There’s got to be a way that …” or “Let’s figure out a solution so that …” Hope that helps. Good luck!
Allan
The first step in the collaborative problem solving process is the empathy step where we focus on gathering information about the child's concerns and if necessary we reassure him that we are not going to force him to do anything – use Plan A but we just want to listen and hear his concerns and perspective.
The second step is then putting your concerns on the table, laying the concerns side by side and then defining the problem in an objective way.
The third step is the invitation to brainstorm and find various mutually satisfying solutions which are realistic and doable. We should try and find more than one solution.
We need to remember that the process of CPS provides learning opportunities and acquiring skills. It is a process and not a technique. Techniques focus on achievement or the end result. CPS focuses on the process. Every step of the way , you and your child are learning new skills.
3.
Invitation to Brainstorm
Frame the problem:
“I wonder if there’s a way that….” (repeat their concerns and your concerns)
Give kid first crack at it (“Do you have any ideas?) -- but provide help if needed
The New, Improved Invitation - from the http://thinkkids.org blog
11/22/2007
Since the model described in the book Treating Explosive Kids: The Collaborative Problem Solving Approach is a fairly new model, one of the most exciting things is watching it develop over time. We are constantly on the lookout for ways to improve the model so it’s easier to understand and more effective to use. Hearing about the successes and failures of folks like you trying the model lets us know what works and what still needs some work. And then these blogs provide a good way for us to get new developments in the model out to you all quickly. So here’s one of the latest:
The first two steps of Plan B (the Empathy step and the Define the Problem step) are intended to get your child’s concerns and then your concerns on the table. The third step is the Invitation where you invite your child to help brainstorm solutions that reconcile those two sets of concerns. In the past, we instructed people to use generic invitations like: “Let’s see how we can solve this. Do you have any ideas?” or “Let’s see how we can work this out. Do you have any ideas?” But recently we realized that sometimes generic invitations like this left people short, and the first response from the kid was often something like, “Nope!” or “Solve what? Work what out?!” Not surprising really since many challenging kids have trouble with focus and working memory(both things needed to retain all the information you gathered in the first two steps of Plan B)! So nowadays, we suggest using much more specific Invitations that recap the concerns to be reconciled. Using a phrase like, “I wonder if there’s way …” can also help lead a horse to water (or in this case, lead your kid and you to some possible solutions!). So here’s what the new, improved Invitation might sound like then: “I wonder if there’s way for you to be comfortable and yet still look half way decent for the party. Got any ideas? Or I wonder if there’s a way that you can make sure to get some time playing your Game boy without it interfering with your homework. Do you have any ideas? Or I wonder if there’s way that you can have a snack when you’re hungry without losing your appetite for dinner?” Now, ready for a few more examples on some tougher issues? The process is still the same: “I wonder if there’s a way for you to be able to stay out late with you friends with us still knowing where you are and what you are up to. Got any ideas? Or I wonder if there’s way to show your boyfriend how much you care about him without moving too fast or risking getting pregnant? Or I wonder if there’s a way to help slow down your mind at night so you can fall asleep without having to use drugs that are illegal and might be addictive?”
Of course all of these new, improved Invitations can only be possible after doing the hard work of the first two steps of Proactive Plan B to clarify each person’s concerns. Not even the best invitation can rescue Plan B from poorly defined concerns unfortunately! Oh, and by the way, when your kid starts getting irritated with hearing you say, “I wonder if there’s a way” all the time, feel free to depart from the script and say it in your own words! Maybe something like, “There’s got to be a way that …” or “Let’s figure out a solution so that …” Hope that helps. Good luck!
Allan
Motivation behind positive or negative behaviors - CPS and SDT
1 I don't think kids are motivated to act in an inappropriate way - negative behavior is more about lacking skills , lack of trust and acceptance and maybe trying to fit in with a negative group.
CPS says that kids do well if they can and not - kids do well if they want to. Kids would prefer
to do well , be successful , behave adaptively and fit in rather than be in trouble and playing cat and mouse with the adults in their lives. So kids are already motivated, the preferred choice is to be successful. Their maladaptive behavior is a sign that they don't have the coping skills to deal with situations. They cannot express their autonomy because they don't have the coping skills. What happens in reality is parents or teachers see this as a motivation problem , so they try to find ways to help the kid to ' wanna ' behave himself.
According to Self Determined Theory SDT , kids express and perceive autonomy when they are connected to their inner core values and their decisions reflect themselves. Autonomy is not independence , it is not about kids expressing independence by resisting adult control. This is the actual paradox that teenagers often fail to get. When they are so busy resisting adult control or involvement , trying to show that adults can't make them do anything or control them , we find that for these kids are choosing their parents agenda , the agenda is actually being set by the parents , their whole lives are dictated by what their parents or teachers do. They don't have the skills to further their interests and support their autonomy in an appropriate way. This leads conflict and bad feelings which prevents kids from benefiting from ' relatedness ' . The emotional baggage undermines relatedness and thereby autonomy.
The controlling and punitive approach in dealing with these kids undermines the possibility of ever creating a trusting relationship between adults and kids. This lack of trust gets in the way of ' autonomy' as kids are focused on surviving the cat and mouse scenario , negative relatedness.
Relatedness in a positive sense , ie positive relationships can trigger non-appropriate behavior. These challenging kids are generally not accepted by their parents as they fail to behave or do OK at school. Because they are conditionally accepted by their parents , they find a ' safe place to land ' amongst negative peers. They are not accepted amongst peers because of their behaviors but feel respected , feel a sense of worth by negative peers or other gang members. What these kids don't get from parents , teachers and peers , they will find elsewhere. Being part of a gang or a negative group may mean that the kid wants to prove himself and therefore engage in inappropriate behavior. These behaviors are not expressions of autonomy but a compensation for the lack of acceptance .
2 Motivation to not engage in negative behavior maybe purely extrinsic to avoid consequences . Intrinsic motivation is only likely when kids can express their autonomy , when they have the skills to act in a competent way and they trust other people.
I think we should look at whether inappropriate behaviors are self – determined or not rather whether kids are motivated or not . Because kids can be motivated to do well , but because their needs of perceived competence and competence itself and relatedness are not being met or actualized , they cannot be self-determined.
Allan
CPS says that kids do well if they can and not - kids do well if they want to. Kids would prefer
to do well , be successful , behave adaptively and fit in rather than be in trouble and playing cat and mouse with the adults in their lives. So kids are already motivated, the preferred choice is to be successful. Their maladaptive behavior is a sign that they don't have the coping skills to deal with situations. They cannot express their autonomy because they don't have the coping skills. What happens in reality is parents or teachers see this as a motivation problem , so they try to find ways to help the kid to ' wanna ' behave himself.
According to Self Determined Theory SDT , kids express and perceive autonomy when they are connected to their inner core values and their decisions reflect themselves. Autonomy is not independence , it is not about kids expressing independence by resisting adult control. This is the actual paradox that teenagers often fail to get. When they are so busy resisting adult control or involvement , trying to show that adults can't make them do anything or control them , we find that for these kids are choosing their parents agenda , the agenda is actually being set by the parents , their whole lives are dictated by what their parents or teachers do. They don't have the skills to further their interests and support their autonomy in an appropriate way. This leads conflict and bad feelings which prevents kids from benefiting from ' relatedness ' . The emotional baggage undermines relatedness and thereby autonomy.
The controlling and punitive approach in dealing with these kids undermines the possibility of ever creating a trusting relationship between adults and kids. This lack of trust gets in the way of ' autonomy' as kids are focused on surviving the cat and mouse scenario , negative relatedness.
Relatedness in a positive sense , ie positive relationships can trigger non-appropriate behavior. These challenging kids are generally not accepted by their parents as they fail to behave or do OK at school. Because they are conditionally accepted by their parents , they find a ' safe place to land ' amongst negative peers. They are not accepted amongst peers because of their behaviors but feel respected , feel a sense of worth by negative peers or other gang members. What these kids don't get from parents , teachers and peers , they will find elsewhere. Being part of a gang or a negative group may mean that the kid wants to prove himself and therefore engage in inappropriate behavior. These behaviors are not expressions of autonomy but a compensation for the lack of acceptance .
2 Motivation to not engage in negative behavior maybe purely extrinsic to avoid consequences . Intrinsic motivation is only likely when kids can express their autonomy , when they have the skills to act in a competent way and they trust other people.
I think we should look at whether inappropriate behaviors are self – determined or not rather whether kids are motivated or not . Because kids can be motivated to do well , but because their needs of perceived competence and competence itself and relatedness are not being met or actualized , they cannot be self-determined.
Allan
Thursday, November 11, 2010
When kids get stuck - CPS
When Kids get stuck - An old post from Beth Edelstein of http://thinkkids.org/
When kids get stuck-we basically have three choices on how to handle it-We can let them have their way (Plan C), We can force them to get unstuck by imposing our will(Plan A)or teach them the skills they need to get unstuck for this and other situations through collaborative problem solving(Plan B).
With Plan A, you will get him unstuck while addressing your concerns, but your are likely to cause a meltdown which isn't likely to help him the next time he gets stuck. With Plan C you will get him unstuck, he won't meltdown, but you won't be teaching him any skills or addressing your concerns. With Plan B you will help him stay calm (avoid a meltdown) so he can think clearly, teach him the lacking skills, while still getting him unstuck and addressing your concerns.
As described more fully in the handout and book, Plan B has 3 steps:
1. Empathy (typically accomplished through reflective listening) and Reassurance, where his concern gets on the table
2. Problem Definition, where your concern gets on the table
3. Invitation, where you work together to find a mutually satisfactory, doable and durable solution
When kids get stuck, I find that they are typically stuck on one particular solution to a concern that they often are having difficulty articulating. With help to articulate the concern, rather than the solution, it opens the door for the adult to express their concern and a win-win solution to be found. How is that accomplished? Often with a few questions, such as: I am wondering why?, how come?, what are you afraid of or worried about?, "why is that?" Lets take the example of when a child comes to you and says "I want to go the store now to buy x". Using Plan B, you would want to empathize with that: "You want to go to the store right now to buy x". This is really a solution though to a concern he has that is not yet defined. There are so many reasons/concerns why he might want to go the store to get x today. You need to help him articulate the concern (I think of it as peeling an onion). So, you might say-how come? He might say that it is because you promised he could get it, or his friend has one and its cool, or he is bored with the toys he has or...... You may have to dig further then, for example-if you promised he could get it, you might need to ask-Why is that we need to go get it right now? What is he afraid of if you don't get it right now. Let's say he then says or through suggestions from you, such as-Do you think it might be that you are afraid that I might forget to take you if it doesn't happen right now? or Do you think it it is just going to be really hard to wait? you find out that he is worried you will forget. You can then empathize with that, "You are worried if we don't go now I might forget". You would then share your concern, i.e.: "I am concerned that if we go now I won't be able to make dinner for the family and we are all getting hungry. You can then invite him to find a solution: "Let's think of what we could do so you don't worry about my forgetting to take you to the store and I can cook dinner right now." You would give him a chance to come up with a solution first before making suggestions. Let's say he suggests getting the toy now and going out for dinner. You will want to help him look at the likely outcomes of that, i.e.: That is an interesting idea, it would work for you because you would get your toy now, but it wouldn't work well for me because going out for dinner would cost money that I need for other things our family needs. Let's see if we can think of another idea that would work for both of us?... As you can see the goal is to come up with a solution that takes everyone's concerns into account, allows you to get your expectations met, that he/you are capable of doing.
What I have described was Emergency Plan B (in the moment). By reviewing those situations where a child frequently struggles (as you describe doing)it gives the information we need to do Proactive Plan B. What would that sound like? Empathy: "I have noticed that when you get an idea about something you want to happen (like the other day when you wanted to get the toy right then) that it is hard for you to wait". (Defining his concern-really just expressed his solution) I am wondering why that is?........
When kids get stuck-we basically have three choices on how to handle it-We can let them have their way (Plan C), We can force them to get unstuck by imposing our will(Plan A)or teach them the skills they need to get unstuck for this and other situations through collaborative problem solving(Plan B).
With Plan A, you will get him unstuck while addressing your concerns, but your are likely to cause a meltdown which isn't likely to help him the next time he gets stuck. With Plan C you will get him unstuck, he won't meltdown, but you won't be teaching him any skills or addressing your concerns. With Plan B you will help him stay calm (avoid a meltdown) so he can think clearly, teach him the lacking skills, while still getting him unstuck and addressing your concerns.
As described more fully in the handout and book, Plan B has 3 steps:
1. Empathy (typically accomplished through reflective listening) and Reassurance, where his concern gets on the table
2. Problem Definition, where your concern gets on the table
3. Invitation, where you work together to find a mutually satisfactory, doable and durable solution
When kids get stuck, I find that they are typically stuck on one particular solution to a concern that they often are having difficulty articulating. With help to articulate the concern, rather than the solution, it opens the door for the adult to express their concern and a win-win solution to be found. How is that accomplished? Often with a few questions, such as: I am wondering why?, how come?, what are you afraid of or worried about?, "why is that?" Lets take the example of when a child comes to you and says "I want to go the store now to buy x". Using Plan B, you would want to empathize with that: "You want to go to the store right now to buy x". This is really a solution though to a concern he has that is not yet defined. There are so many reasons/concerns why he might want to go the store to get x today. You need to help him articulate the concern (I think of it as peeling an onion). So, you might say-how come? He might say that it is because you promised he could get it, or his friend has one and its cool, or he is bored with the toys he has or...... You may have to dig further then, for example-if you promised he could get it, you might need to ask-Why is that we need to go get it right now? What is he afraid of if you don't get it right now. Let's say he then says or through suggestions from you, such as-Do you think it might be that you are afraid that I might forget to take you if it doesn't happen right now? or Do you think it it is just going to be really hard to wait? you find out that he is worried you will forget. You can then empathize with that, "You are worried if we don't go now I might forget". You would then share your concern, i.e.: "I am concerned that if we go now I won't be able to make dinner for the family and we are all getting hungry. You can then invite him to find a solution: "Let's think of what we could do so you don't worry about my forgetting to take you to the store and I can cook dinner right now." You would give him a chance to come up with a solution first before making suggestions. Let's say he suggests getting the toy now and going out for dinner. You will want to help him look at the likely outcomes of that, i.e.: That is an interesting idea, it would work for you because you would get your toy now, but it wouldn't work well for me because going out for dinner would cost money that I need for other things our family needs. Let's see if we can think of another idea that would work for both of us?... As you can see the goal is to come up with a solution that takes everyone's concerns into account, allows you to get your expectations met, that he/you are capable of doing.
What I have described was Emergency Plan B (in the moment). By reviewing those situations where a child frequently struggles (as you describe doing)it gives the information we need to do Proactive Plan B. What would that sound like? Empathy: "I have noticed that when you get an idea about something you want to happen (like the other day when you wanted to get the toy right then) that it is hard for you to wait". (Defining his concern-really just expressed his solution) I am wondering why that is?........
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Relax the atmoshere with CPS - LEE vs HEE - expressed emotion
CPS – collaborative problem solving helps parents to be more relaxed and in control of their emotions enabling them to be the source of joy , hope and happiness in their families. Families with challenging kids are very stressed out – see my posts – Welcome to Holland/ Beirut !! .
Restoring the ' joys of life ' can be pretty difficult but very important. Parents have to be a THERMOSTAT for their kids and help them calm down and be happy , so they need to introduce plenty of song , dance and music into the homes.
Instead of following the advice of most therapists ' it is time that you show leadership and get back into control , be the captain of your ship ' which inevitably leads to WW3 - you are usually comforted that the situation will get worse and then get better , when you kids will see who is really the 'boss' – lower the rope , relax the atmosphere , use Plan C – prioritize challenging behaviors and put many as possible of the issues on the shelf . This helps to minimize conflict and create an atmosphere where parents and kids can bond and connect through general chatting, dialog and conversations. CPS is collaborative in nature , the child and the parent are on the same side , you don't need the ' united front' against your kid. You want to enter his world and reach out to him and help him come up with a better plan. You don't need to be assertive and show your power.
CPS is conducive to Low expressed emotion. Although most parenting approaches talk about speaking in a neutral tone and not screaming or yelling trying to impose your authority and still keep calm are really not a good fit, so most parents end up blaming, criticizing and yelling. ' Back in Control ' parenting is controlling , parents become over-involved trying to control the situation and find solutions without consulting or even taking into account the concerns of kids. This is highly conducive to High emotion expression HEE
Here is some info on "EE" and schizophrenia
Expressed Emotion (EE):
'It was obvious that families may be involved in the progress of the condition, but they are unlikely to have been the cause of it. However, the environment the schizophrenia sufferer returns to after treatment influences the likelihood of successful recovery. Homes where face-to-face interaction is characterized by intense emotional concern or criticism are less conducive to recovery than homes with more emotionally stable interactions. Relapse rates are highest where contact is most fraught.
Brown (1972) showed that patients who returned from hospital to homes where there was a high level of emotionality (High levels of Emotion were Expressed — HEE) were more likely to have a relapse, and would have it sooner than those with LEE (Low levels of Emotion Expressed) families. The kinds of emotions that were expressed were high levels of concern for the sufferers, leading to doing everything for them, being highly critical of their attempts to help themselves, and being very ‘strung out’ generally. These families were characterized by people (mothers usually) rushing around and driving themselves to exhaustion, looking after each other, fussing constantly and being overly possessive. Vaughn and Leff (1976) found 51 per cent of schizophrenic relapses in HEE families, compared to 13 per cent in LEE homes. The more contact the sufferer had with HEE relatives, the higher the relapse rate.
The evidence for the effect of other family members and their emotional responses on recovery from schizophrenia is now well established (and the care package for schizophrenia recovery usually includes some education and support for other family members).
Evidence for the importance of expressed emotion has been found in studies across different cultures so there can be little doubt of its importance in explaining relapse. Unfortunately for the EE explanation, there are also high relapse rates amongst those recovering from schizophrenia who are not in contact with any former family members, so the expressed emotion hypothesis may not be entirely true.' - Psychology notes
'Another example is research done in the area of "expressed emotions [EE]" and psychiatric illness. Years of research clearly show that a psychiatric patient released from the hospital to live with his or her high EE family is twice as likely to relapse and return to the hospital than the patient returning to a low EE family. As noted by a prominent researcher in this area (Hooley, 1998); "The term EE [expressed emotion] is rather misleading since EE is not a measure of how willing a relative is to express emotion or to vent feelings. Rather EE is a reflection of the extent to which the relative expresses critical, hostile, or emotionally over-involved attitudes toward the patient"(p. 631). Note the reluctance of researchers to be honest and open about the fact that they are speaking about a critical family. Instead, they camouflage this information behind the euphemism "expressed emotion."
The above-mentioned researcher, after noting the powerful effect of EE on the relapse rate of psychiatric patients, adds: "These data do not, of course, mean that families cause schizophrenia." I wrote to this researcher and asked if there was any research evidence, as implied by the term "of course," that high EE does not cause schizophrenia? She replied that "the appropriate studies have not been done." She did not explain why she assumes, as an obvious fact, that high EE doesn't cause schizophrenia, in the absence of research evidence. She did state however, that "because of the past tradition of blaming families for causing schizophrenia, it is important that researchers in this area don't go beyond the science in making any unwarranted inferences." It seems however, that when one is being politically correct, then it is quite acceptable to go beyond the science and state, as a proven fact, that EE doesn't cause schizophrenia. In addition, contrary to this researcher's assertion, there is evidence that children in high EE families are more likely to suffer from serious mental illness in adolescence, (see studies cited in Karon & Widener, 1994). ' Dr B Sorotzkin
Allan
Restoring the ' joys of life ' can be pretty difficult but very important. Parents have to be a THERMOSTAT for their kids and help them calm down and be happy , so they need to introduce plenty of song , dance and music into the homes.
Instead of following the advice of most therapists ' it is time that you show leadership and get back into control , be the captain of your ship ' which inevitably leads to WW3 - you are usually comforted that the situation will get worse and then get better , when you kids will see who is really the 'boss' – lower the rope , relax the atmosphere , use Plan C – prioritize challenging behaviors and put many as possible of the issues on the shelf . This helps to minimize conflict and create an atmosphere where parents and kids can bond and connect through general chatting, dialog and conversations. CPS is collaborative in nature , the child and the parent are on the same side , you don't need the ' united front' against your kid. You want to enter his world and reach out to him and help him come up with a better plan. You don't need to be assertive and show your power.
CPS is conducive to Low expressed emotion. Although most parenting approaches talk about speaking in a neutral tone and not screaming or yelling trying to impose your authority and still keep calm are really not a good fit, so most parents end up blaming, criticizing and yelling. ' Back in Control ' parenting is controlling , parents become over-involved trying to control the situation and find solutions without consulting or even taking into account the concerns of kids. This is highly conducive to High emotion expression HEE
Here is some info on "EE" and schizophrenia
Expressed Emotion (EE):
'It was obvious that families may be involved in the progress of the condition, but they are unlikely to have been the cause of it. However, the environment the schizophrenia sufferer returns to after treatment influences the likelihood of successful recovery. Homes where face-to-face interaction is characterized by intense emotional concern or criticism are less conducive to recovery than homes with more emotionally stable interactions. Relapse rates are highest where contact is most fraught.
Brown (1972) showed that patients who returned from hospital to homes where there was a high level of emotionality (High levels of Emotion were Expressed — HEE) were more likely to have a relapse, and would have it sooner than those with LEE (Low levels of Emotion Expressed) families. The kinds of emotions that were expressed were high levels of concern for the sufferers, leading to doing everything for them, being highly critical of their attempts to help themselves, and being very ‘strung out’ generally. These families were characterized by people (mothers usually) rushing around and driving themselves to exhaustion, looking after each other, fussing constantly and being overly possessive. Vaughn and Leff (1976) found 51 per cent of schizophrenic relapses in HEE families, compared to 13 per cent in LEE homes. The more contact the sufferer had with HEE relatives, the higher the relapse rate.
The evidence for the effect of other family members and their emotional responses on recovery from schizophrenia is now well established (and the care package for schizophrenia recovery usually includes some education and support for other family members).
Evidence for the importance of expressed emotion has been found in studies across different cultures so there can be little doubt of its importance in explaining relapse. Unfortunately for the EE explanation, there are also high relapse rates amongst those recovering from schizophrenia who are not in contact with any former family members, so the expressed emotion hypothesis may not be entirely true.' - Psychology notes
'Another example is research done in the area of "expressed emotions [EE]" and psychiatric illness. Years of research clearly show that a psychiatric patient released from the hospital to live with his or her high EE family is twice as likely to relapse and return to the hospital than the patient returning to a low EE family. As noted by a prominent researcher in this area (Hooley, 1998); "The term EE [expressed emotion] is rather misleading since EE is not a measure of how willing a relative is to express emotion or to vent feelings. Rather EE is a reflection of the extent to which the relative expresses critical, hostile, or emotionally over-involved attitudes toward the patient"(p. 631). Note the reluctance of researchers to be honest and open about the fact that they are speaking about a critical family. Instead, they camouflage this information behind the euphemism "expressed emotion."
The above-mentioned researcher, after noting the powerful effect of EE on the relapse rate of psychiatric patients, adds: "These data do not, of course, mean that families cause schizophrenia." I wrote to this researcher and asked if there was any research evidence, as implied by the term "of course," that high EE does not cause schizophrenia? She replied that "the appropriate studies have not been done." She did not explain why she assumes, as an obvious fact, that high EE doesn't cause schizophrenia, in the absence of research evidence. She did state however, that "because of the past tradition of blaming families for causing schizophrenia, it is important that researchers in this area don't go beyond the science in making any unwarranted inferences." It seems however, that when one is being politically correct, then it is quite acceptable to go beyond the science and state, as a proven fact, that EE doesn't cause schizophrenia. In addition, contrary to this researcher's assertion, there is evidence that children in high EE families are more likely to suffer from serious mental illness in adolescence, (see studies cited in Karon & Widener, 1994). ' Dr B Sorotzkin
Allan
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Criticism , blame CPS , SDT 2
Criticism or blame focuses on the person. Instead of asking ' What's the matter with you ' and focusing on the kid we can try and help him focus on the effects of his actions on others. 'I am disappointed when you do THAT – helps a kid reflect on how his action might have hurt others' feelings.
Instead of blame we can just ask questions or lead the discussion by just simply saying what we saw or ' I have noticed that your homework is not getting done, what's up ?
SDT Self determination theory research shows that kids will internalize messages when they are given in a way that kids can reflect and come to their own conclusions. The stronger or more ' honest ' the criticism, the less internalization takes place. Also when the criticism focuses on the person, the kid responds with denials , rebuttals , blaming and often swearing and cursing. The focus has shifted away from what the kid did and is now all about the parent who can be blamed for getting in the way , interfering , controlling or not supporting. If the kid has other siblings , the discussion begins to revolve what about his brother and sister . When dealing with issues is solution focused , we don't have kids diverting the discussion to how their other siblings are behaving.
Telling kids the honest truth in a loving way unfortunately pushes them further from the truth and alienates them from you. In any case we want them to focus on their actions and how they affect others.
We can deal with issues by ' doing to ' kids - coercision , threats , consequences, punishments , blame and criticism or trying to manipulate them with rewards or incentives or leverage their behavior with consequences. Here we have a solution in mind . We want the kid to do it our way.
When we collaborate with the kid and problem solve , we go into the process without a preconceived solution. We don't try to manipulate the kid to comply with our solution by doing Plan A ( parent solution ) in the guise of Plan B ( collaborative problem solving ). We tell the kid – we are not going to force you to do anything . This actually allows the child to step forward – like a dance , when you step back , your partner steps forward. The process starts out focusing on the kid's concerns , so he feels understood and will more likely now be open to hear our concerns. As one parent said after solving a problem with CPS – this is the first time – I felt heard.
When we engage in CPS when certainly do not want the kid to feel bad or just to stamp out a particular behavior out of existence but we want our kids to become ' authors' and 'origins' in their lives , being part of the solution which will solve problems in a way which are mutually satisfactory and durable. We also want to avoid injuring the relationship. And most we want to influence kids the way they think and feel, that they don't hurt others, not because they are afraid of the punishments, but they with our help become the kind of people who wouldn't want to act cruelly.
And of course , being part of the solution by participating in collaborative problem solving is imho the highest expression of responsibility and accountability.
Allan
Instead of blame we can just ask questions or lead the discussion by just simply saying what we saw or ' I have noticed that your homework is not getting done, what's up ?
SDT Self determination theory research shows that kids will internalize messages when they are given in a way that kids can reflect and come to their own conclusions. The stronger or more ' honest ' the criticism, the less internalization takes place. Also when the criticism focuses on the person, the kid responds with denials , rebuttals , blaming and often swearing and cursing. The focus has shifted away from what the kid did and is now all about the parent who can be blamed for getting in the way , interfering , controlling or not supporting. If the kid has other siblings , the discussion begins to revolve what about his brother and sister . When dealing with issues is solution focused , we don't have kids diverting the discussion to how their other siblings are behaving.
Telling kids the honest truth in a loving way unfortunately pushes them further from the truth and alienates them from you. In any case we want them to focus on their actions and how they affect others.
We can deal with issues by ' doing to ' kids - coercision , threats , consequences, punishments , blame and criticism or trying to manipulate them with rewards or incentives or leverage their behavior with consequences. Here we have a solution in mind . We want the kid to do it our way.
When we collaborate with the kid and problem solve , we go into the process without a preconceived solution. We don't try to manipulate the kid to comply with our solution by doing Plan A ( parent solution ) in the guise of Plan B ( collaborative problem solving ). We tell the kid – we are not going to force you to do anything . This actually allows the child to step forward – like a dance , when you step back , your partner steps forward. The process starts out focusing on the kid's concerns , so he feels understood and will more likely now be open to hear our concerns. As one parent said after solving a problem with CPS – this is the first time – I felt heard.
When we engage in CPS when certainly do not want the kid to feel bad or just to stamp out a particular behavior out of existence but we want our kids to become ' authors' and 'origins' in their lives , being part of the solution which will solve problems in a way which are mutually satisfactory and durable. We also want to avoid injuring the relationship. And most we want to influence kids the way they think and feel, that they don't hurt others, not because they are afraid of the punishments, but they with our help become the kind of people who wouldn't want to act cruelly.
And of course , being part of the solution by participating in collaborative problem solving is imho the highest expression of responsibility and accountability.
Allan
Saturday, November 6, 2010
(Constructive) criticism , blame , cps and sdt
In my humble opinion, there is no such thing as constructive criticism. Criticism is poison to relationships like sugar is to teeth. It does not help to say to kids ' I love you, but not your actions.' Kids don't make that distinction. Criticism is about blame, and can easily be perceived as a form of punishment and rejection. Using praise and expressions of approval can be also a form of punishment when it is given contingent on what kids do.
Alfie Kohn in his book ' Unconditional Parenting explains –
Nearly half a century ago, the pioneering psychologist Carl Rogers offered an answer to the question "What happens when a parent's love depends on what children do?" He explained that those on the receiving end of such love come to disown the parts of themselves that aren't valued. Eventually they regard themselves as worthy only when they act (or think or feel) in specific ways. This is basically a recipe for neurosis - or worse. A publication by the Irish Department of Health and Children (which has been circulated and adopted by other organizations all over the world) offers ten examples to illustrate the concept of "emotional abuse." Number two on the list, right after "persistent criticism, sarcasm, hostility or blaming," is "conditional parenting, in which the level of care shown to a child is made contingent on his or her behaviors or actions.''
Kids who are blamed and criticized by parents will in return learn to blame others and especially their parents for their failures, difficulties and misfortunes. Parents complain that kids never want to admit that they did something wrong. For parents this is the meaning of taking responsibility, taking the blame and being accountable. If we take out ' blame ', we are promoting a ' No fault ' society and we don't want that.
Parents put a lot of energy in trying to get kids 'admit what they did'. Kids generally will resist this as it feels like a punishment, humiliation and certainly does not make them feel good. Is it necessary for kids to first feel bad in order for them to improve themselves? Is taking the blame a precondition for taking responsibility and solving problems? Maybe getting rid of the word ' blame ' will enable kids to go beyond ' I am to blame ' and actually solve the problem and engage in the moral act of restitution.
In order to avoiding criticizing kids and get rid of the word ' blame', we need to have a different perspective about misbehavior, infractions and unmet expectations. If we have a fixed mindset and have house rules, it is highly likely that when these rules are broken , we will be obliged to issue a consequence , punishment or some verbal reprimand or criticism. If we have a ' growth mindset' , that 'mistakes' are our friends and opportunities for learning , we will engage in CPS collaborative problem solving to solve problems and unmet expectations. When we offer compassion and understanding when kids fail, we teach them that we all can make mistakes, that we all make mistakes, and in many instances we learn only through making mistakes. Just as we can make mistakes , we can fix them. As Dr Greene says ' Children do well if they can ' and not ' children do well if they want to ' , so forget about reprimanding them and instead help them come up with a better plan.
June Tangney explains that people who blame themselves end up blaming others. We often hear how some people end an argument or discussion by saying ' I am to blame '. They are in fact offering a solution to a problem – blame me, let me take the responsibility for what happened. Because this does not solve the problem, they eventually look for someone else to blame.
Now we as people do experience some emotion when we have done something wrong or have not acted according to our values. We will respond in different ways, depending on the emotion. June Tangney suggests that ' shame' leads to a person feeling bad about the ' self' making themselves into objects.
The person says ' How could '' I '' do that?
When a person experiences guilt he says ' How could I do THAT ?
The focus is no longer on the self but on the action. Feelings of shame leads to blaming oneself. Feelings of guilt leads to problem solving.
Instead of (constructive ) criticism why not do some CPS – collaborative problem solving. An important part of solving problems is ' externalizing the problem ' – separating the problem from the self as an object and focusing on the self as a process.
We internalize our values and externalize problems.
Blaming others is a bad position to work from. One will always be stuck with a belief that ' your mother is to blame ' for your difficulties.
"Placing the blame or judgment on someone else
leaves you powerless to change your experience.
Taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments
gives you the power to change them." Byron Katie
Blaming yourself does not help either. It focuses on the past and you the object who needs to be done to – reprimanded , criticized . Blame and self- criticism prevent one from dealing with the future.
Accountability and taking responsibility for some parents means ' Getting a child to admit they did wrong' and usually means they need to suffer more pain. This focuses on the self as an object.
When kids are not subjected to a controlling and a judgmental environment they feel more autonomous. Autonomy and being unconditionally accepted by teachers and parents is crucial for kids' moral development, being able to externalize problems, internalize values ,take responsibility and solve problems.
Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Teaching article
In an illuminating passage from her recent book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson explained that a teacher can make it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing “a very deep kind of reassurance – the reassurance that she still care[s] about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they do] something very bad.” This posture allows “their best motives to surface,” thus giving “space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong. “If we want our students to trust that we care for them,” she concludes, “then we need to display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. It’s not that we don’t want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it.”
When we involve our kids in CPS, collaborative problem solving they are being far more accountable and responsible by being part of a solution that will solve the problem for ever. Blaming others or even yourself is just a form of punishment , destroys relationships and self esteem and leaves you with a problem not solved.
So instead of (constructive) criticism engage in CPS , instead of trying yo get your kids to admit what they did , just explain that there is a problem and that you would appreciate their input. They are more likely to respond positively to this request than admit that they are to blame.
Allan
Alfie Kohn in his book ' Unconditional Parenting explains –
Nearly half a century ago, the pioneering psychologist Carl Rogers offered an answer to the question "What happens when a parent's love depends on what children do?" He explained that those on the receiving end of such love come to disown the parts of themselves that aren't valued. Eventually they regard themselves as worthy only when they act (or think or feel) in specific ways. This is basically a recipe for neurosis - or worse. A publication by the Irish Department of Health and Children (which has been circulated and adopted by other organizations all over the world) offers ten examples to illustrate the concept of "emotional abuse." Number two on the list, right after "persistent criticism, sarcasm, hostility or blaming," is "conditional parenting, in which the level of care shown to a child is made contingent on his or her behaviors or actions.''
Kids who are blamed and criticized by parents will in return learn to blame others and especially their parents for their failures, difficulties and misfortunes. Parents complain that kids never want to admit that they did something wrong. For parents this is the meaning of taking responsibility, taking the blame and being accountable. If we take out ' blame ', we are promoting a ' No fault ' society and we don't want that.
Parents put a lot of energy in trying to get kids 'admit what they did'. Kids generally will resist this as it feels like a punishment, humiliation and certainly does not make them feel good. Is it necessary for kids to first feel bad in order for them to improve themselves? Is taking the blame a precondition for taking responsibility and solving problems? Maybe getting rid of the word ' blame ' will enable kids to go beyond ' I am to blame ' and actually solve the problem and engage in the moral act of restitution.
In order to avoiding criticizing kids and get rid of the word ' blame', we need to have a different perspective about misbehavior, infractions and unmet expectations. If we have a fixed mindset and have house rules, it is highly likely that when these rules are broken , we will be obliged to issue a consequence , punishment or some verbal reprimand or criticism. If we have a ' growth mindset' , that 'mistakes' are our friends and opportunities for learning , we will engage in CPS collaborative problem solving to solve problems and unmet expectations. When we offer compassion and understanding when kids fail, we teach them that we all can make mistakes, that we all make mistakes, and in many instances we learn only through making mistakes. Just as we can make mistakes , we can fix them. As Dr Greene says ' Children do well if they can ' and not ' children do well if they want to ' , so forget about reprimanding them and instead help them come up with a better plan.
June Tangney explains that people who blame themselves end up blaming others. We often hear how some people end an argument or discussion by saying ' I am to blame '. They are in fact offering a solution to a problem – blame me, let me take the responsibility for what happened. Because this does not solve the problem, they eventually look for someone else to blame.
Now we as people do experience some emotion when we have done something wrong or have not acted according to our values. We will respond in different ways, depending on the emotion. June Tangney suggests that ' shame' leads to a person feeling bad about the ' self' making themselves into objects.
The person says ' How could '' I '' do that?
When a person experiences guilt he says ' How could I do THAT ?
The focus is no longer on the self but on the action. Feelings of shame leads to blaming oneself. Feelings of guilt leads to problem solving.
Instead of (constructive ) criticism why not do some CPS – collaborative problem solving. An important part of solving problems is ' externalizing the problem ' – separating the problem from the self as an object and focusing on the self as a process.
We internalize our values and externalize problems.
Blaming others is a bad position to work from. One will always be stuck with a belief that ' your mother is to blame ' for your difficulties.
"Placing the blame or judgment on someone else
leaves you powerless to change your experience.
Taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments
gives you the power to change them." Byron Katie
Blaming yourself does not help either. It focuses on the past and you the object who needs to be done to – reprimanded , criticized . Blame and self- criticism prevent one from dealing with the future.
Accountability and taking responsibility for some parents means ' Getting a child to admit they did wrong' and usually means they need to suffer more pain. This focuses on the self as an object.
When kids are not subjected to a controlling and a judgmental environment they feel more autonomous. Autonomy and being unconditionally accepted by teachers and parents is crucial for kids' moral development, being able to externalize problems, internalize values ,take responsibility and solve problems.
Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Teaching article
In an illuminating passage from her recent book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson explained that a teacher can make it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing “a very deep kind of reassurance – the reassurance that she still care[s] about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they do] something very bad.” This posture allows “their best motives to surface,” thus giving “space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong. “If we want our students to trust that we care for them,” she concludes, “then we need to display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. It’s not that we don’t want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it.”
When we involve our kids in CPS, collaborative problem solving they are being far more accountable and responsible by being part of a solution that will solve the problem for ever. Blaming others or even yourself is just a form of punishment , destroys relationships and self esteem and leaves you with a problem not solved.
So instead of (constructive) criticism engage in CPS , instead of trying yo get your kids to admit what they did , just explain that there is a problem and that you would appreciate their input. They are more likely to respond positively to this request than admit that they are to blame.
Allan
Monday, November 1, 2010
Problem solving - Plan B- drilling down to ' quality' concerns/ concerns vs solutions
The first step in the collaborative problem solving process is the Empathy step.
We try to gather information about the child's concerns and perspectives and if necessary reassuring him that we are not interested in imposing our solution, we just want his input and hear his side of the story.
Kids may know what they want and wanted to do or what they did. These are not concerns, but rather solutions to concerns. Kids and adults often present their concerns in terms of solutions. We need to help them take a step back and reveal the underlying concern which then will open up many more possible solutions.
If a kid would want to play on the computer and you would prefer her to do her homework, we essentially have two solutions on the table. If we put these solutions on the table , we end up with negotiation or the dueling of solutions. If we go back a step and look at concerns, we may find that the kid has a problem with homework etc and being on the computer is her solution. Imho the brilliance of CPS is be able to distinguish between a solution and a concern and this opens up possibilities of many new solutions and not just a compromise.
Now kids are not very good at articulating their concerns or even figuring out what they are. In the past their concerns have been ignored and they have never been asked to articulate them. When you ask them why they did something, they may find it difficult to tell you. If you ask them what's bothering them, they most probably say ' I don't know , or offer reasons such as ' it's not fun or boring ' which maybe true but is not the real concern. There maybe more than one concern.
For this reason some approaches encourage parents or teachers to come up with solutions which ignore the child's concerns. Not only does this lead to low quality solutions, but the opportunity for learning and skills acquired during the CPS process are lost.
Besides the possibility of lacking language skills, or a kid simply says he does not know what to say, a kid may show difficulty in expressing his concerns because the unsolved problem we are trying to work on may be too vague so kids are not exactly sure what we are trying to gather information about.
We can help the kid by making tentative suggestions or asking questions. Generally open ended questions, not the ones which lead to a yes/no answer are preferred because they promote conversation and dialog. So statements like ' can you tell me more ' or how do you feel about ' etc should provide more information. For some kids this is difficult so it is better to start out with short yes/no questions and take it from there. We need to try and keep the conversation going and drill down until we get a clear idea of what the child's concerns are. We should try to end our statements with a question. Questions like – why, when, over what, with whom, what happened before or after , where help us get more input from the child.
Drilling Down
5/8/2008
The more we help folks troubleshoot their attempts at using our approach the more we find that success often rests on how much “drilling down” they have been able to do with the respective concerns to be addressed. As we like to say, “low quality concerns lead to low quality solutions!” When we refer to the “quality” of concerns, what we mean is how specific they are. The more specific the better.
As a clinician helping to facilitate Plan B your role will often involve asking the probing questions and doing the detective work necessary to get to the bottom of what someone’s concerns are – all the while resisting the temptation to jump into solution mode until the problem is well defined. So how do you know when you’ve gotten specific enough? We have a pretty simple litmus test actually: imagine using that concern as a jumping off point for brainstorming potential solutions. If you are finding it hard to envision any potential solutions and it seems like you will staring at a dead end, chances are the concerns need to be clarified. Here’s an example:
Child’s concern: I don’t see why I can’t go out on week nights with my friends.
Parents’ concern: We don’t think it’s appropriate for him to be going out on school nights and socializing.
Now let’s use our litmus test and see how those concerns might look when it comes to the invitation to brainstorm solutions together:
I wonder if there’s a way for you to go out on week nights without it being inappropriate in your parents' eyes …?
Ouch. That sounds like a dead-end! Plan B will be stuck in the mud for sure. Now let’s say we had done the hard (but well worth it) work of drilling down to get very specific about people’s concerns. How does one do that? By asking lots of questions – like how and why? We often find ourselves repeating the mantra: “I’m just trying to make sure I understand.” In this example, one might ask: Why do you want to go out on weekdays? What do you want to do? With whom? Etc. All the while providing reassurance that you are just getting information and not saying no (or yes for that matter!). Similarly, you would ask the parents: Why do you think it’s inappropriate? Again providing reassurance that you don’t disagree (or agree for that matter!), but that you are just trying to understand.
Child’s concern: Sometimes there’s something fun going on during the week that I don’t want to miss out on – like a baseball game or something that all my friends get to go to.
Parents’ concern: We’re concerned about your homework and studying getting done, and we also would like to be able to spend some time with you since we barely see you on weekends anymore.
Now let’s re-try our litmus test to see how the invitation might look with these more specific concerns on the table:
I wonder if there’s a way for you to not miss out on things your friends are doing during the week but still make sure your work gets done and that your parents also have some time with you at home.
This is now sounding much more promising, right? So we would encourage you to imagine what the invitation might look like when you are in the process of defining the problem. If you see a dead-end ahead still, keeping clarifying those concerns! Once you think you have gotten specific enough, then (and only then!) is it time to ask for ideas. Good luck!
Here is an example of drilling down in a school environment
http://www.livesinthebalance.org/drilling-information
Here is the collaborative problem solving Plan B cheat sheet – helpful with the drilling down process.
http://www.livesinthebalance.org/sites/default/files/PlanBCheatSheet%207-10.pdf
I want to end off by repeating what I consider one of my most important messages to parents or teachers. Our greatest tool is simply talking with our kids or rather we listening and they speaking , we directing the conversation with dialog questions helping them to take perspectives , articulate concerns and brainstorm solutions which are realistic and mutually satisfactory. We can talk about general stuff , other peoples experiences and problems which are less emotive and easier to externalize and visualize.
Allan
We try to gather information about the child's concerns and perspectives and if necessary reassuring him that we are not interested in imposing our solution, we just want his input and hear his side of the story.
Kids may know what they want and wanted to do or what they did. These are not concerns, but rather solutions to concerns. Kids and adults often present their concerns in terms of solutions. We need to help them take a step back and reveal the underlying concern which then will open up many more possible solutions.
If a kid would want to play on the computer and you would prefer her to do her homework, we essentially have two solutions on the table. If we put these solutions on the table , we end up with negotiation or the dueling of solutions. If we go back a step and look at concerns, we may find that the kid has a problem with homework etc and being on the computer is her solution. Imho the brilliance of CPS is be able to distinguish between a solution and a concern and this opens up possibilities of many new solutions and not just a compromise.
Now kids are not very good at articulating their concerns or even figuring out what they are. In the past their concerns have been ignored and they have never been asked to articulate them. When you ask them why they did something, they may find it difficult to tell you. If you ask them what's bothering them, they most probably say ' I don't know , or offer reasons such as ' it's not fun or boring ' which maybe true but is not the real concern. There maybe more than one concern.
For this reason some approaches encourage parents or teachers to come up with solutions which ignore the child's concerns. Not only does this lead to low quality solutions, but the opportunity for learning and skills acquired during the CPS process are lost.
Besides the possibility of lacking language skills, or a kid simply says he does not know what to say, a kid may show difficulty in expressing his concerns because the unsolved problem we are trying to work on may be too vague so kids are not exactly sure what we are trying to gather information about.
We can help the kid by making tentative suggestions or asking questions. Generally open ended questions, not the ones which lead to a yes/no answer are preferred because they promote conversation and dialog. So statements like ' can you tell me more ' or how do you feel about ' etc should provide more information. For some kids this is difficult so it is better to start out with short yes/no questions and take it from there. We need to try and keep the conversation going and drill down until we get a clear idea of what the child's concerns are. We should try to end our statements with a question. Questions like – why, when, over what, with whom, what happened before or after , where help us get more input from the child.
Drilling Down
5/8/2008
The more we help folks troubleshoot their attempts at using our approach the more we find that success often rests on how much “drilling down” they have been able to do with the respective concerns to be addressed. As we like to say, “low quality concerns lead to low quality solutions!” When we refer to the “quality” of concerns, what we mean is how specific they are. The more specific the better.
As a clinician helping to facilitate Plan B your role will often involve asking the probing questions and doing the detective work necessary to get to the bottom of what someone’s concerns are – all the while resisting the temptation to jump into solution mode until the problem is well defined. So how do you know when you’ve gotten specific enough? We have a pretty simple litmus test actually: imagine using that concern as a jumping off point for brainstorming potential solutions. If you are finding it hard to envision any potential solutions and it seems like you will staring at a dead end, chances are the concerns need to be clarified. Here’s an example:
Child’s concern: I don’t see why I can’t go out on week nights with my friends.
Parents’ concern: We don’t think it’s appropriate for him to be going out on school nights and socializing.
Now let’s use our litmus test and see how those concerns might look when it comes to the invitation to brainstorm solutions together:
I wonder if there’s a way for you to go out on week nights without it being inappropriate in your parents' eyes …?
Ouch. That sounds like a dead-end! Plan B will be stuck in the mud for sure. Now let’s say we had done the hard (but well worth it) work of drilling down to get very specific about people’s concerns. How does one do that? By asking lots of questions – like how and why? We often find ourselves repeating the mantra: “I’m just trying to make sure I understand.” In this example, one might ask: Why do you want to go out on weekdays? What do you want to do? With whom? Etc. All the while providing reassurance that you are just getting information and not saying no (or yes for that matter!). Similarly, you would ask the parents: Why do you think it’s inappropriate? Again providing reassurance that you don’t disagree (or agree for that matter!), but that you are just trying to understand.
Child’s concern: Sometimes there’s something fun going on during the week that I don’t want to miss out on – like a baseball game or something that all my friends get to go to.
Parents’ concern: We’re concerned about your homework and studying getting done, and we also would like to be able to spend some time with you since we barely see you on weekends anymore.
Now let’s re-try our litmus test to see how the invitation might look with these more specific concerns on the table:
I wonder if there’s a way for you to not miss out on things your friends are doing during the week but still make sure your work gets done and that your parents also have some time with you at home.
This is now sounding much more promising, right? So we would encourage you to imagine what the invitation might look like when you are in the process of defining the problem. If you see a dead-end ahead still, keeping clarifying those concerns! Once you think you have gotten specific enough, then (and only then!) is it time to ask for ideas. Good luck!
Here is an example of drilling down in a school environment
http://www.livesinthebalance.org/drilling-information
Here is the collaborative problem solving Plan B cheat sheet – helpful with the drilling down process.
http://www.livesinthebalance.org/sites/default/files/PlanBCheatSheet%207-10.pdf
I want to end off by repeating what I consider one of my most important messages to parents or teachers. Our greatest tool is simply talking with our kids or rather we listening and they speaking , we directing the conversation with dialog questions helping them to take perspectives , articulate concerns and brainstorm solutions which are realistic and mutually satisfactory. We can talk about general stuff , other peoples experiences and problems which are less emotive and easier to externalize and visualize.
Allan
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Hugs and massages - leads to cooperation and trust
Dan Ariely shares some research on why we should try and respond to people's needs for physical contact.
I agree that this can help to improve relationships where physical contact is actually appropriate.
Some kids who suffer from SI or SPD - sensory processing disorder or integration crave for others to touch and hug them. . This calms them down and makes them more relaxed. . It must be noted that some kids don't like to be touched and often react in a negative way.
Looking at the big picture it seems that we all can benefit from a hug or even better a massage. A massage
increases the amount of oxytocin in the bloodstream, and makes us more trusting , it also decreases levels of the hormones cortisol (released during stress) and vasopressin (linked to aggression and cortisol release).
'The contact makes people feel secure and safe from harm.
Being physically touched, whether with a kneading massage or a comforting pat on the shoulder, seems to encourages cooperative behavior.
So maybe we should spend more time cuddling up with our kids and having turns to give each other massages.
http://danariely.com/2010/10/15/looking-for-a-massage-%e2%80%a6/
Allan
I agree that this can help to improve relationships where physical contact is actually appropriate.
Some kids who suffer from SI or SPD - sensory processing disorder or integration crave for others to touch and hug them. . This calms them down and makes them more relaxed. . It must be noted that some kids don't like to be touched and often react in a negative way.
Looking at the big picture it seems that we all can benefit from a hug or even better a massage. A massage
increases the amount of oxytocin in the bloodstream, and makes us more trusting , it also decreases levels of the hormones cortisol (released during stress) and vasopressin (linked to aggression and cortisol release).
'The contact makes people feel secure and safe from harm.
Being physically touched, whether with a kneading massage or a comforting pat on the shoulder, seems to encourages cooperative behavior.
So maybe we should spend more time cuddling up with our kids and having turns to give each other massages.
http://danariely.com/2010/10/15/looking-for-a-massage-%e2%80%a6/
Allan
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Plan B in school - Running in the hallway
Here is an example of collaborative problem solving in school from a teacher - 2009 Thinkids educators blog
I rounded it off with a quote from Alfie Kohn and the kid ' dealing with the past ', acting in an autonomous way and engaging in the moral act of restitution
When working together with students to solve the problems we’re having with them at school, the mantra of “be prepared for surprises” is certainly worth remembering. Last week when working with an elementary school implementing our approach, there were two great examples of this. We’ll share one now and one next week too!
Here’s the situation: a 2nd grader had been running through the halls of the school like wild and recently caused a major accident when we ran into a staff member wheeling a projector down the hall. While his teacher could’ve used a consequence to teach him a lesson (“its not OK to run in the halls!”), she let us sit in on her attempt at proactive problem solving with her. Here’s how it went:
Teacher: I know you know we’ve been concerned about your running in the halls here at school, right?
Student: Yup. I’m sorry.
Teacher: Don’t worry. You’re not in trouble. I just want to understand why you think you are running in the halls because I know we’ve told you tons of times not to! Why do you think you do it?
Student: I don’t want to be late.
Teacher: You don’t want to be late. Hmmm. Late for what?
Student: Breakfast.
Teacher: Why not?
Student: They always run out of the hot breakfast, and I like the egg sandwiches.
Teacher: Wow. And I thought you were just running because you thought it was fun! But you don’t want to miss out on the hot breakfast. I guess now that you say it, I have noticed that most of the complaints about you running in the hall are first thing in the morning. I guess the thing I’m worried about is someone getting hurt, like you or another student or a teacher. Does that make sense?
Student nods.
Teacher: So I wonder if there is anything we can do to make sure you don’t miss out on the hot food but still are safe – so you aren’t running through the halls? Do you have any ideas?
Student: They could save me one so I don’t have to run.
Teacher: That’s an idea. We could ask the breakfast folks if they could save you one. Do you think that would work?
Student: Yup.
Teacher: Well, let’s try it.
We never would’ve predicted that the reason the kid was running was through the halls like a lot out of hell was that he didn’t want to miss the egg sandwich. But once his teacher knew that it was a lot easier to have compassion for him and to think about ways to solve the problem. This is why its crucial not to do “drive-by empathy” or assume you know what the child’s concern or perspective is. Be open-minded and curious, like a detective. Gather information. You’ll find your surprised sometimes but those surprises will make everyone’s life easier once you know about them.
Now that we have come up with a mutually agreed solution that sounds realistic and doable and agreed to review how the plan is working we have essentially created for the kid, a vision for the future, there has been learning, his self esteem is not only intact but he feels good about himself, also his relationship with the teacher has improved as he sees her as a help and somebody who understands him, somebody who cares about him , even if he 'screws ' up. The stage is set for dealing with the past.
From Unconditional Teaching article – Alfie Kohn
'In an illuminating passage from her recent book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson explained that a teacher can make it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing “a very deep kind of reassurance – the reassurance that she still care[s] about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they do] something very bad.” This posture allows “their best motives to surface,” thus giving “space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong. “If we want our students to trust that we care for them,” she concludes, “then we need to display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. It’s not that we don’t want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it.”'
Teacher: We still have the problem of the broken projector .
Student: Maybe I could do some odd jobs for the school.
Teacher: Can you think of anything else you could do ?
Student: I could write a letter apologizing for damaging the projector and being unsafe in the hallway. I could also do some babysitting or use some of my allowance to pay for some of the damage.
I rounded it off with a quote from Alfie Kohn and the kid ' dealing with the past ', acting in an autonomous way and engaging in the moral act of restitution
When working together with students to solve the problems we’re having with them at school, the mantra of “be prepared for surprises” is certainly worth remembering. Last week when working with an elementary school implementing our approach, there were two great examples of this. We’ll share one now and one next week too!
Here’s the situation: a 2nd grader had been running through the halls of the school like wild and recently caused a major accident when we ran into a staff member wheeling a projector down the hall. While his teacher could’ve used a consequence to teach him a lesson (“its not OK to run in the halls!”), she let us sit in on her attempt at proactive problem solving with her. Here’s how it went:
Teacher: I know you know we’ve been concerned about your running in the halls here at school, right?
Student: Yup. I’m sorry.
Teacher: Don’t worry. You’re not in trouble. I just want to understand why you think you are running in the halls because I know we’ve told you tons of times not to! Why do you think you do it?
Student: I don’t want to be late.
Teacher: You don’t want to be late. Hmmm. Late for what?
Student: Breakfast.
Teacher: Why not?
Student: They always run out of the hot breakfast, and I like the egg sandwiches.
Teacher: Wow. And I thought you were just running because you thought it was fun! But you don’t want to miss out on the hot breakfast. I guess now that you say it, I have noticed that most of the complaints about you running in the hall are first thing in the morning. I guess the thing I’m worried about is someone getting hurt, like you or another student or a teacher. Does that make sense?
Student nods.
Teacher: So I wonder if there is anything we can do to make sure you don’t miss out on the hot food but still are safe – so you aren’t running through the halls? Do you have any ideas?
Student: They could save me one so I don’t have to run.
Teacher: That’s an idea. We could ask the breakfast folks if they could save you one. Do you think that would work?
Student: Yup.
Teacher: Well, let’s try it.
We never would’ve predicted that the reason the kid was running was through the halls like a lot out of hell was that he didn’t want to miss the egg sandwich. But once his teacher knew that it was a lot easier to have compassion for him and to think about ways to solve the problem. This is why its crucial not to do “drive-by empathy” or assume you know what the child’s concern or perspective is. Be open-minded and curious, like a detective. Gather information. You’ll find your surprised sometimes but those surprises will make everyone’s life easier once you know about them.
Now that we have come up with a mutually agreed solution that sounds realistic and doable and agreed to review how the plan is working we have essentially created for the kid, a vision for the future, there has been learning, his self esteem is not only intact but he feels good about himself, also his relationship with the teacher has improved as he sees her as a help and somebody who understands him, somebody who cares about him , even if he 'screws ' up. The stage is set for dealing with the past.
From Unconditional Teaching article – Alfie Kohn
'In an illuminating passage from her recent book Learning to Trust (2003), Marilyn Watson explained that a teacher can make it clear to students that certain actions are unacceptable while still providing “a very deep kind of reassurance – the reassurance that she still care[s] about them and [is] not going to punish or desert them, even [if they do] something very bad.” This posture allows “their best motives to surface,” thus giving “space and support for them to reflect and to autonomously engage in the moral act of restitution” – that is, to figure out how to make things right after doing something wrong. “If we want our students to trust that we care for them,” she concludes, “then we need to display our affection without demanding that they behave or perform in certain ways in return. It’s not that we don’t want and expect certain behaviors; we do. But our concern or affection does not depend on it.”'
Teacher: We still have the problem of the broken projector .
Student: Maybe I could do some odd jobs for the school.
Teacher: Can you think of anything else you could do ?
Student: I could write a letter apologizing for damaging the projector and being unsafe in the hallway. I could also do some babysitting or use some of my allowance to pay for some of the damage.
Welcome to Holland or is it Berut ? / negative thoughts
There has been quite a lot of negative reaction to the essay ' Welcome to Holland ' by parents of challenging children especially on the autistic spectrum. Life for them is more about ' Welcome to Beirut than Welcome to Holland.
The essay , Welcome to Holland was written by a mom of a down syndrome child. For kids with behavior challenges - Beirut and the chaos might be more closer to reality , but with challenging kids I think there is also more hope and possibilities of learning and growth so they do become responsible and caring adults , not so with down syndrome . Down syndrome kids will always live in Holland , but parents of challenging kids want to equip them with the skills so they can live independently in Italy. However , reliance on ABA is not going to get autistic children very far on the journey , because the approach teaches skills they way we teach dogs tricks.
Beirut has great potential . I think they call Beirut the Paris of the middle east but problems between members of the Lebanese family does not give much hope over there. When there was internal peace , Beirut was amazing.
Ultimately being positive and seeing the positive will depend on the color of the lenses we wear and what picture we paint of the world. You also have to see that you have started your journey and are moving in the right direction towards Italy.
It is tough , but often it is one of the parents who has to create ' the joy of life in the home , the music, the dance , the hope - despite our kids we should be coping better .
This is pretty important especially if you are trying to ' work with the child ' rather than using tough love , consequences etc . A lot of moms get blamed by not being firm enough and letting kids manipulate them , that they are too soft. The dhs - dear husbands then look for the quick fixes that will teach the kid an everlasting lesson. Moms realize that trying to break a kid into submission will just lead to more conflict and chaos . If you want to convince your dh otherwise , one needs to cope better and believe in the path you are travelling , no matter how slow the progress , but when you are stressing out , dh will see this as a sign to do something different
Welcome to Holland
http://www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/holland.htm
"Holland Schmolland"
http://www.autism-help.org/story-holland-schmolland.htm
Allan
The essay , Welcome to Holland was written by a mom of a down syndrome child. For kids with behavior challenges - Beirut and the chaos might be more closer to reality , but with challenging kids I think there is also more hope and possibilities of learning and growth so they do become responsible and caring adults , not so with down syndrome . Down syndrome kids will always live in Holland , but parents of challenging kids want to equip them with the skills so they can live independently in Italy. However , reliance on ABA is not going to get autistic children very far on the journey , because the approach teaches skills they way we teach dogs tricks.
Beirut has great potential . I think they call Beirut the Paris of the middle east but problems between members of the Lebanese family does not give much hope over there. When there was internal peace , Beirut was amazing.
Ultimately being positive and seeing the positive will depend on the color of the lenses we wear and what picture we paint of the world. You also have to see that you have started your journey and are moving in the right direction towards Italy.
It is tough , but often it is one of the parents who has to create ' the joy of life in the home , the music, the dance , the hope - despite our kids we should be coping better .
This is pretty important especially if you are trying to ' work with the child ' rather than using tough love , consequences etc . A lot of moms get blamed by not being firm enough and letting kids manipulate them , that they are too soft. The dhs - dear husbands then look for the quick fixes that will teach the kid an everlasting lesson. Moms realize that trying to break a kid into submission will just lead to more conflict and chaos . If you want to convince your dh otherwise , one needs to cope better and believe in the path you are travelling , no matter how slow the progress , but when you are stressing out , dh will see this as a sign to do something different
Welcome to Holland
http://www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/holland.htm
Welcome to Beirut poem
http://www.bbbautism.com/beginners_beirut.htm
http://www.autism-help.org/story-holland-schmolland.htm
Allan
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Negative thoughts - Byron Katie/ Welcome to Holland
Parenting any child has its challenges. But we, as parents tend to make matters worse.
We have expectations of our children to be better than the average and when they don't perform or misbehave we struggle to accept who they are. Our minds get filled with negative thoughts and we say to ourselves – he should not hit his brother , he should be respectful towards me , he should do his homework , he should ….. , he should not ……
Byron Katie http://www.thework.com/index.php
says that we should not try to fight reality. We should accept reality. This has a liberating effect on us and frees us from all the negative thoughts that are getting in our way. This then opens up the possibility for us to deal with problems and engage people in a happy, positive and creative way.
But what if your child has special needs, has a list of labels after his name and your marriage and family life is stressed out because of your child , what then? . His siblings are angry at him and you because you need to give their brother extra attention and don't treat them the same. You can no longer go out and enjoy yourselves as a family. You and your son are continually being judged by outsiders and you are continually getting advice that you are not consistent and firm enough with him. Your husband thinks you are too soft and that your kid is manipulating you. Everyday getting your kid to school is battle and you spend your day at work waiting for a call from his teacher to come and take him home, because he is out of control etc etc , what then ?
The situation is a tough one, but why make it tougher by letting so many negative thoughts get to us.
I think it is important to first say a word about diagnoses. For many parents a diagnosis maybe comforting , that they are not to blame and they have a reason for their child's difficulties. But very soon they discover that dx's don't tell us much and all we have done is labeled and pathologized the child. We are now in a fixed mindset and stuck with the label. Instead of having a child with difficulties, we now have a difficult child. It is much better to get an understanding of the child's lacking skills and work on them by tackling unsolved problems in a collaborative way. We are now have a growth mindset , we are work-in-progress and change becomes a real possibility.
Imho the way to go is (a) - deal with the negative thoughts by ' doing the work' , -
(b) - Try to see and enjoy the positive moments of parenting a challenging kid.
(C) Avoid thinking about you as an object , or focus on the self , instead see yourself as a process or work-in-progress, focus on living
(a) - deal with the negative thoughts by ' doing the work' , -
answering the 4 questions and then turn it around. When we deal with negative thoughts we become free and self determined enabling us to feel that we can direct our lives and experience autonomy.
Inquiry: The Four Questions and Turnaround
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
and
Turn it around, then find at least three genuine, specific examples of how the turnaround is true in your life.
Here is a link to a summary of Katie Byron's ' the work '
http://www.thework.com/downloads/little_book/English_LB.pdf
here is a mp3 15 min audio of Katie Byron doing the work with a dad who is angry with God because he has a special needs kid.
I heard the following ' turn around 'from a single mom of 2 challenging kids – Instead of I feeling angry with God , I feel honored by God in that he has chosen me to raise these special children.
http://www.byronkatie.com/2008/10/audio_i_angry_at_god_because_i.htm
This reminds me of the mom who was told by her priest that God gives people only those challenges that they can handle. She replied – I wish that God would not have such a high opinion of me.
My take is that God gives challenges that communities or if necessary the global village can handle. There is an African saying – that it takes a whole village to raise a single child, how much more so when raising a challenging kid. Parents need a supportive community, or at least a cyber community. This provides ' relatedness ' , another important psychological need which will help us cope better.
(b) Try to see and enjoy the positive moments of parenting a challenging kid.
Here is a inspirational essay called ' Welcome to Holland ' , also a you tube version
http://www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/holland.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tehcysu03EI
(C) Avoid thinking about you as an object , or focus on the self , instead see yourself as a process or work-in-progress, focus on living. When a poor person has a plan to get rich and is living his plan , he feels rich already. The same goes with parenting. If we are using Collaborative problem solving and got support , we cope so much better and we give our kids the support they need. We have hope because we are on our journey . Even if there are bumps in the road , we are at least moving in the right direction. The process also involves finding the time or even moments to nurture ourselves and enjoy .
It is not easy , - education is a process.
Allan
We have expectations of our children to be better than the average and when they don't perform or misbehave we struggle to accept who they are. Our minds get filled with negative thoughts and we say to ourselves – he should not hit his brother , he should be respectful towards me , he should do his homework , he should ….. , he should not ……
Byron Katie http://www.thework.com/index.php
says that we should not try to fight reality. We should accept reality. This has a liberating effect on us and frees us from all the negative thoughts that are getting in our way. This then opens up the possibility for us to deal with problems and engage people in a happy, positive and creative way.
But what if your child has special needs, has a list of labels after his name and your marriage and family life is stressed out because of your child , what then? . His siblings are angry at him and you because you need to give their brother extra attention and don't treat them the same. You can no longer go out and enjoy yourselves as a family. You and your son are continually being judged by outsiders and you are continually getting advice that you are not consistent and firm enough with him. Your husband thinks you are too soft and that your kid is manipulating you. Everyday getting your kid to school is battle and you spend your day at work waiting for a call from his teacher to come and take him home, because he is out of control etc etc , what then ?
The situation is a tough one, but why make it tougher by letting so many negative thoughts get to us.
I think it is important to first say a word about diagnoses. For many parents a diagnosis maybe comforting , that they are not to blame and they have a reason for their child's difficulties. But very soon they discover that dx's don't tell us much and all we have done is labeled and pathologized the child. We are now in a fixed mindset and stuck with the label. Instead of having a child with difficulties, we now have a difficult child. It is much better to get an understanding of the child's lacking skills and work on them by tackling unsolved problems in a collaborative way. We are now have a growth mindset , we are work-in-progress and change becomes a real possibility.
Imho the way to go is (a) - deal with the negative thoughts by ' doing the work' , -
(b) - Try to see and enjoy the positive moments of parenting a challenging kid.
(C) Avoid thinking about you as an object , or focus on the self , instead see yourself as a process or work-in-progress, focus on living
(a) - deal with the negative thoughts by ' doing the work' , -
answering the 4 questions and then turn it around. When we deal with negative thoughts we become free and self determined enabling us to feel that we can direct our lives and experience autonomy.
Inquiry: The Four Questions and Turnaround
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
and
Turn it around, then find at least three genuine, specific examples of how the turnaround is true in your life.
Here is a link to a summary of Katie Byron's ' the work '
http://www.thework.com/downloads/little_book/English_LB.pdf
here is a mp3 15 min audio of Katie Byron doing the work with a dad who is angry with God because he has a special needs kid.
I heard the following ' turn around 'from a single mom of 2 challenging kids – Instead of I feeling angry with God , I feel honored by God in that he has chosen me to raise these special children.
http://www.byronkatie.com/2008/10/audio_i_angry_at_god_because_i.htm
This reminds me of the mom who was told by her priest that God gives people only those challenges that they can handle. She replied – I wish that God would not have such a high opinion of me.
My take is that God gives challenges that communities or if necessary the global village can handle. There is an African saying – that it takes a whole village to raise a single child, how much more so when raising a challenging kid. Parents need a supportive community, or at least a cyber community. This provides ' relatedness ' , another important psychological need which will help us cope better.
(b) Try to see and enjoy the positive moments of parenting a challenging kid.
Here is a inspirational essay called ' Welcome to Holland ' , also a you tube version
http://www.journeyofhearts.org/kirstimd/holland.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tehcysu03EI
(C) Avoid thinking about you as an object , or focus on the self , instead see yourself as a process or work-in-progress, focus on living. When a poor person has a plan to get rich and is living his plan , he feels rich already. The same goes with parenting. If we are using Collaborative problem solving and got support , we cope so much better and we give our kids the support they need. We have hope because we are on our journey . Even if there are bumps in the road , we are at least moving in the right direction. The process also involves finding the time or even moments to nurture ourselves and enjoy .
It is not easy , - education is a process.
Allan
Monday, October 11, 2010
Kids perceptions / Choice - selection or construction SDT and CPS
Parenting imho should be concerned with the kid's perceptions. I often remind myself and others that we are dealing with their perceptions and not their behaviors. We need to try and see their world through their eyes. Kids can make meaning of what we do to them and how we respond. ' It is not what we teach them , that matters but what they learn ' - Alfie Kohn. Often when we think that they need to be taught a certain lesson that their behaviors are unacceptable, they learn another lesson , - their mistake is being caught and their perception that parents or adults are unfair is reinforced.
But kid's perceptions can be exploited to support more controlling types of parenting especially in certain cultural settings. See the appendix Unconditional parenting by Alfie Kohn
If we place importance on children's perceptions without relating to what kids objectively need for their development , kids will not be receive the kind of parenting and teaching they deserve, an education which will promote academic, socio-moral and emotional development .
Some kids may be less adversely affected by physical punishment because they perceive it as parental concern and love. But the question is even if a child could reconcile acts of aggression ( even without anger ) as a act of love and attention is it a good thing for kids to learn that love can be expressed through violence?
How do kids come to perceive violence as an act of love. When physical punishment is the only alternative to indifference kids learn to take what they can get. The same can be said about praise. If conditional acceptance is the only possibility, kids will drink it in and even say that they wish they'd gotten more. And when researchers ask these kids about how their parents treated them or if their parents loved them or they felt loved unconditionally they will give positive answers. They would see parental control and punishment as supporting the need of relatedness.
According to SDT , Self Determined Theory rewards would have a positive effect on perceived competence and hence intrinsic motivation if we could neutralize the controlling nature of rewards. If kids perceived competence means that kids see themselves , the self as an object as ' smart ' or A students they are likely to avoid challenges , seek out easy tasks and be less engaged in learning indicating a adverse effect on intrinsic motivation.
What about kids' perceptions of autonomy. Now most parents and kids don't know what the word means , maybe something to do with independence. ' To be self determined is to endorse one's actions at the highest level of reflection. When self determined people experience a sense to do what is interesting , personally important and vitalizing.' - Deci and Ryan. It is about being connected to your inner core , being reflective and experiencing a sense of freedom.
Now many parenting books recommend giving kids choices as a strategy to get kids to do want you want. So good advice would be to first connect with your kid and then ask him whether he wants to eat now fish , meat or salads. We want the kid to come to the table and eat his supper , he will want to exercise choice so he will choose ' meat' and come to the table. This seems to be the middle of the road type of parenting or authoritative parenting. The permissive parent will ask if the kid wants to eat supper , the authoritarian parent will order the kid to come to table to eat supper and to eat what is put on his plate.
There is a different way – CPS collaborative problem solving. Kids are encourage to participate in planning and problem solving by ' generating choices ' . In this way they express their autonomy and relatedness by addressing both concerns – theirs and parents when they attempt to find mutual satisfactory solutions.
When parents offer choices and it does not matter if the choice is between 2 or 20 options , it is still Plan A , it is still the adult plan , do it my way and my way is A, B, or C , choose one of them. Allowing a kid to do what ever he chooses Plan C does not necessarily mean that the kid's choice is made at the highest level of reflection. Plan B is where reflection and expression of autonomy and relatedness takes place.
With Plan A the kid is choosing from choices the parent or teacher has generated. With Plan B kids are the origins of their choices , they are the ones who generate choices.
Alfie Kohn makes this point in his article ' how to create non-readers'
http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/nonreaders.htm
Supporting their autonomy isn’t just about having them pick this over that. “The experience of self-determination is not something that can be given to the student through the presentation of an array of teacher-determined options (e.g., ‘Here are six books; which do you want to read today?’)”[9]. I think there are two insights here.
The first is that deeper learning and enthusiasm require us to let students generate possibilities rather than just choosing items from our menu; construction is more important than selection.
The second is that what we really need to offer is “autonomy support,” an idea that’s psychological, not just pedagogical. It’s derived from a branch of psychology called self-determination theory, founded by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, among others. To support students’ autonomy is to meet their need to be in control of their own lives, to offer opportunities to decide along with the necessary guidance and encouragement, to “minimiz[e] the salience of evaluative pressure and any sense of coercion in the classroom” and “maximiz[e] students’ perceptions of having a voice and choice.”[10]
A kid may have a perceived sense of autonomy when he is able to ' select ' a choice from options given by his parent or teacher , especially when he has been accustomed to have been given absolutely no choice in the past. I doubt whether the selection/choice is accompanied by an endorsement of one's actions at the highest level of reflection.
Kids will not be receive the kind of parenting and teaching they deserve , an education which will promote academic, socio-moral and emotional development if we rely only on their perceptions of autonomy , competence and relatedness.
Allan
But kid's perceptions can be exploited to support more controlling types of parenting especially in certain cultural settings. See the appendix Unconditional parenting by Alfie Kohn
If we place importance on children's perceptions without relating to what kids objectively need for their development , kids will not be receive the kind of parenting and teaching they deserve, an education which will promote academic, socio-moral and emotional development .
Some kids may be less adversely affected by physical punishment because they perceive it as parental concern and love. But the question is even if a child could reconcile acts of aggression ( even without anger ) as a act of love and attention is it a good thing for kids to learn that love can be expressed through violence?
How do kids come to perceive violence as an act of love. When physical punishment is the only alternative to indifference kids learn to take what they can get. The same can be said about praise. If conditional acceptance is the only possibility, kids will drink it in and even say that they wish they'd gotten more. And when researchers ask these kids about how their parents treated them or if their parents loved them or they felt loved unconditionally they will give positive answers. They would see parental control and punishment as supporting the need of relatedness.
According to SDT , Self Determined Theory rewards would have a positive effect on perceived competence and hence intrinsic motivation if we could neutralize the controlling nature of rewards. If kids perceived competence means that kids see themselves , the self as an object as ' smart ' or A students they are likely to avoid challenges , seek out easy tasks and be less engaged in learning indicating a adverse effect on intrinsic motivation.
What about kids' perceptions of autonomy. Now most parents and kids don't know what the word means , maybe something to do with independence. ' To be self determined is to endorse one's actions at the highest level of reflection. When self determined people experience a sense to do what is interesting , personally important and vitalizing.' - Deci and Ryan. It is about being connected to your inner core , being reflective and experiencing a sense of freedom.
Now many parenting books recommend giving kids choices as a strategy to get kids to do want you want. So good advice would be to first connect with your kid and then ask him whether he wants to eat now fish , meat or salads. We want the kid to come to the table and eat his supper , he will want to exercise choice so he will choose ' meat' and come to the table. This seems to be the middle of the road type of parenting or authoritative parenting. The permissive parent will ask if the kid wants to eat supper , the authoritarian parent will order the kid to come to table to eat supper and to eat what is put on his plate.
There is a different way – CPS collaborative problem solving. Kids are encourage to participate in planning and problem solving by ' generating choices ' . In this way they express their autonomy and relatedness by addressing both concerns – theirs and parents when they attempt to find mutual satisfactory solutions.
When parents offer choices and it does not matter if the choice is between 2 or 20 options , it is still Plan A , it is still the adult plan , do it my way and my way is A, B, or C , choose one of them. Allowing a kid to do what ever he chooses Plan C does not necessarily mean that the kid's choice is made at the highest level of reflection. Plan B is where reflection and expression of autonomy and relatedness takes place.
With Plan A the kid is choosing from choices the parent or teacher has generated. With Plan B kids are the origins of their choices , they are the ones who generate choices.
Alfie Kohn makes this point in his article ' how to create non-readers'
http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/nonreaders.htm
Supporting their autonomy isn’t just about having them pick this over that. “The experience of self-determination is not something that can be given to the student through the presentation of an array of teacher-determined options (e.g., ‘Here are six books; which do you want to read today?’)”[9]. I think there are two insights here.
The first is that deeper learning and enthusiasm require us to let students generate possibilities rather than just choosing items from our menu; construction is more important than selection.
The second is that what we really need to offer is “autonomy support,” an idea that’s psychological, not just pedagogical. It’s derived from a branch of psychology called self-determination theory, founded by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, among others. To support students’ autonomy is to meet their need to be in control of their own lives, to offer opportunities to decide along with the necessary guidance and encouragement, to “minimiz[e] the salience of evaluative pressure and any sense of coercion in the classroom” and “maximiz[e] students’ perceptions of having a voice and choice.”[10]
A kid may have a perceived sense of autonomy when he is able to ' select ' a choice from options given by his parent or teacher , especially when he has been accustomed to have been given absolutely no choice in the past. I doubt whether the selection/choice is accompanied by an endorsement of one's actions at the highest level of reflection.
Kids will not be receive the kind of parenting and teaching they deserve , an education which will promote academic, socio-moral and emotional development if we rely only on their perceptions of autonomy , competence and relatedness.
Allan
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Rewards - CPS , SDT - Part 2
In my blog on using rewards together with CPS – collaborative problem solving I suggested that we should try use rewards not as incentives but to give the activity an association of fun.
In the article below Deci and Ryan prove without a doubt from a meta-analysis that extrinsic motivators like rewards undermine intrinsic motivation.
http://www.psych.rochester.edu/SDT/documents/2001_DeciKoestnerRyan.pdf ( 1-5/15 )
The negative effect of the rewards was minimized when rewards were not given in a 'controlling manner ' but rather as ' informational feedback 'and the rewards were task-non-contingent. The controlling aspect not only has a negative effect on perceived self determination but also on relatedness - relationships.
'Deci and Ryan specified three types of reward contingencies: task-noncontingent rewards, which do not require engaging in the activity per se but are instead given for some other reasons
such as simply participating in the experiment; task-contingent rewards, which require doing or completing the target activity; and performance - contingent rewards, which require performing the activity well, matching a standard of excellence, or surpassing
a specified criterion (e.g., doing better than half of the oilier participants).'
'To. summarize, results of the meta-analysis make clear that the undermining of intrinsic motivation by tangible rewards is indeed a significant issue. Whereas verbal rewards tended to enhance intrinsic motivation (although not for children and not when the rewards were given controllingly) and neither unexpected tangible rewards nor task-non contingent tangible rewards affected intrinsic motivation,
expected tangible rewards did significantly and substantially undermine intrinsic motivation, and this effect was quite robust. Furthermore, the undermining was especially strong for children. '
I will relate to verbal rewards in a future blog. In a sentence , if verbal rewards take the form of neutral informational feedback or helping a person self evaluate , assess and reflect , intrinsic motivation is likely to be enhanced.
Rewards are attractive as they are powerful motivators in the short – run. They get you obedience and compliance. If tasks are manual and don't require thinking, rewards get the job done quicker. For parents ( not of challenging children ) a reward or a threat can get the job done. The problem is the long term costs especially in the areas of intrinsic motivation, relatedness and competence.
The article says that rewards have a positive effect on perceived competence and would promote intrinsic motivation . The effect is lost because of the controlling nature of rewards and the negative effect on perceived self determination.
From other articles on the SDT site , Alfie Kohn etc I would suggest that the positive effect on perceived competence would not contribute to intrinsic motivation because the rewards enhance perceived competence not as a PROCESS , but the SELF as an object . Rewards enhance a 'fixed mindset ' rather than a ' growth mindset '. People who have a fixed mindset , that they are smart or competent will avoid challenging or difficult tasks and focus on sustaining their 'image' , rather than being involved in learning or other forms of creativity. They are less likely to engage in the activity in the future.
I received 2 interesting comments ( one PM )
I talked about a kid using extrinsic motivation when it is self determined to help him cope with time- on- task, practicing piano. A mom wrote that the hour of practice seemed an eternity to my child.
' I decided that if my son could put that hour into perspective, he might not feel overwhelmed by "an hour". I created a large pie chart -- larger the better so that you can "emphasize" the small slice -- and divided it into one hour slices. We colored in the sleeping hours, school hours, homework time, practice time, and free time. When he saw how much free time he would have if he efficiently tackled the "must dos", the homework and practice didn't seem so overwhelming. The slices were a small part of his day. '
The mom dealt with the issue by really understanding the concerns of her child and problem solving. The collaborative problem solving approach holds that most kids are already intrinsically motivated to do well, kids would prefer to do well, so if they are having trouble the problem is not motivational. The problem is more likely to be one of lagging skills, competence, the child's concerns are not being addressed and he is feeling controlled and coerced.
I think SDT says the same thing. Kids , people are intrinsically motivated to do well , and when they are struggling , the things that are getting in the way are usually competence , lack of relatedness, and lack of autonomy. People are not lacking the motivation. The traditional way of understanding all problems is to attribute it to the fact that the kid is lacking motivation , if he wants to do well , he would do well . CPS holds , and I think it is true of SDT , people do well if they can , not if they want to.
Nicolas Connault wrote ' I'm not sure that trying to achieve intrinsic motivation for ALL desirable behaviors is a realistic goal. Children find it easier to be intrinsically motivated, but I don't think it's possible to be intrinsically motivated to do everything we do as adults. '
I agree that many activities are not intrinsically motivating but at least we should aspire to be competent , the activity is self determined and autonomous , we should experience ' relatedness ' to those we interact with , and the natural outcomes are important and desirable.
Alfie Kohn –in ' Punished by Rewards ' makes 6 recommendations on how to minimize the damage of rewards.
1 Get rewards out of people's faces
- reduce the salience of rewards, make them less conspicuous, give them out privately, and avoid making a big fuss.
2 Offer rewards after the fact , as a surprise.
This helps blur the connection between previous behavior and the reward . The downside is people begin to expect rewards in the future and this will impact on intrinsic motivation.
3 Never turn the quest for rewards into a contest by limiting them artificially.
Competition and rivalry have negative effects relatedness, competence and autonomy .
4 Make rewards as similar as possible to the task.
– so endogenous rewards , for eg giving kids books, trips etc that deal with the task and thereby reduce the gap between what kids are doing and what they are getting for it.
5 Give people as much choice as possible about how rewards are used
- They can participate in the evaluation process of what has been done and how and to whom rewards should be given. Care should be taken that rewards remain something ' by the way ' , not salient and given without a fuss.
6 Try to immunize individuals against the motivation-killing effects of rewards
- By focusing and emphasizing the intrinsic value of what is being done.
I would add -
Show people how to use self- determined rewards to help them achieve their goals or keep on task.
Show people that many tasks may not be intrinsically rewarding but are more valued when done in an autonomous way and the natural outcomes are desirable.
Focus less on motivation , but more on autonomy, competence and relatedness.
Allan
In the article below Deci and Ryan prove without a doubt from a meta-analysis that extrinsic motivators like rewards undermine intrinsic motivation.
http://www.psych.rochester.edu/SDT/documents/2001_DeciKoestnerRyan.pdf ( 1-5/15 )
The negative effect of the rewards was minimized when rewards were not given in a 'controlling manner ' but rather as ' informational feedback 'and the rewards were task-non-contingent. The controlling aspect not only has a negative effect on perceived self determination but also on relatedness - relationships.
'Deci and Ryan specified three types of reward contingencies: task-noncontingent rewards, which do not require engaging in the activity per se but are instead given for some other reasons
such as simply participating in the experiment; task-contingent rewards, which require doing or completing the target activity; and performance - contingent rewards, which require performing the activity well, matching a standard of excellence, or surpassing
a specified criterion (e.g., doing better than half of the oilier participants).'
'To. summarize, results of the meta-analysis make clear that the undermining of intrinsic motivation by tangible rewards is indeed a significant issue. Whereas verbal rewards tended to enhance intrinsic motivation (although not for children and not when the rewards were given controllingly) and neither unexpected tangible rewards nor task-non contingent tangible rewards affected intrinsic motivation,
expected tangible rewards did significantly and substantially undermine intrinsic motivation, and this effect was quite robust. Furthermore, the undermining was especially strong for children. '
I will relate to verbal rewards in a future blog. In a sentence , if verbal rewards take the form of neutral informational feedback or helping a person self evaluate , assess and reflect , intrinsic motivation is likely to be enhanced.
Rewards are attractive as they are powerful motivators in the short – run. They get you obedience and compliance. If tasks are manual and don't require thinking, rewards get the job done quicker. For parents ( not of challenging children ) a reward or a threat can get the job done. The problem is the long term costs especially in the areas of intrinsic motivation, relatedness and competence.
The article says that rewards have a positive effect on perceived competence and would promote intrinsic motivation . The effect is lost because of the controlling nature of rewards and the negative effect on perceived self determination.
From other articles on the SDT site , Alfie Kohn etc I would suggest that the positive effect on perceived competence would not contribute to intrinsic motivation because the rewards enhance perceived competence not as a PROCESS , but the SELF as an object . Rewards enhance a 'fixed mindset ' rather than a ' growth mindset '. People who have a fixed mindset , that they are smart or competent will avoid challenging or difficult tasks and focus on sustaining their 'image' , rather than being involved in learning or other forms of creativity. They are less likely to engage in the activity in the future.
I received 2 interesting comments ( one PM )
I talked about a kid using extrinsic motivation when it is self determined to help him cope with time- on- task, practicing piano. A mom wrote that the hour of practice seemed an eternity to my child.
' I decided that if my son could put that hour into perspective, he might not feel overwhelmed by "an hour". I created a large pie chart -- larger the better so that you can "emphasize" the small slice -- and divided it into one hour slices. We colored in the sleeping hours, school hours, homework time, practice time, and free time. When he saw how much free time he would have if he efficiently tackled the "must dos", the homework and practice didn't seem so overwhelming. The slices were a small part of his day. '
The mom dealt with the issue by really understanding the concerns of her child and problem solving. The collaborative problem solving approach holds that most kids are already intrinsically motivated to do well, kids would prefer to do well, so if they are having trouble the problem is not motivational. The problem is more likely to be one of lagging skills, competence, the child's concerns are not being addressed and he is feeling controlled and coerced.
I think SDT says the same thing. Kids , people are intrinsically motivated to do well , and when they are struggling , the things that are getting in the way are usually competence , lack of relatedness, and lack of autonomy. People are not lacking the motivation. The traditional way of understanding all problems is to attribute it to the fact that the kid is lacking motivation , if he wants to do well , he would do well . CPS holds , and I think it is true of SDT , people do well if they can , not if they want to.
Nicolas Connault wrote ' I'm not sure that trying to achieve intrinsic motivation for ALL desirable behaviors is a realistic goal. Children find it easier to be intrinsically motivated, but I don't think it's possible to be intrinsically motivated to do everything we do as adults. '
I agree that many activities are not intrinsically motivating but at least we should aspire to be competent , the activity is self determined and autonomous , we should experience ' relatedness ' to those we interact with , and the natural outcomes are important and desirable.
Alfie Kohn –in ' Punished by Rewards ' makes 6 recommendations on how to minimize the damage of rewards.
1 Get rewards out of people's faces
- reduce the salience of rewards, make them less conspicuous, give them out privately, and avoid making a big fuss.
2 Offer rewards after the fact , as a surprise.
This helps blur the connection between previous behavior and the reward . The downside is people begin to expect rewards in the future and this will impact on intrinsic motivation.
3 Never turn the quest for rewards into a contest by limiting them artificially.
Competition and rivalry have negative effects relatedness, competence and autonomy .
4 Make rewards as similar as possible to the task.
– so endogenous rewards , for eg giving kids books, trips etc that deal with the task and thereby reduce the gap between what kids are doing and what they are getting for it.
5 Give people as much choice as possible about how rewards are used
- They can participate in the evaluation process of what has been done and how and to whom rewards should be given. Care should be taken that rewards remain something ' by the way ' , not salient and given without a fuss.
6 Try to immunize individuals against the motivation-killing effects of rewards
- By focusing and emphasizing the intrinsic value of what is being done.
I would add -
Show people how to use self- determined rewards to help them achieve their goals or keep on task.
Show people that many tasks may not be intrinsically rewarding but are more valued when done in an autonomous way and the natural outcomes are desirable.
Focus less on motivation , but more on autonomy, competence and relatedness.
Allan
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