Assertiveness , Persistence to do Plan B - CPS

There may be various reasons why a kid is not willing to engage in Plan b – collaborative problem solving.   But we can still put a lot of effort on having plenty of one on one conversations and dialog on general non- emotive subjects focusing on perspective taking, identifying concerns, consequential thinking , brain storming mutually satisfying solutions.

If we have decided that there is nothing in the list below getting in the way of the child engaging in problem solving, we may need to be more assertive and persistent in sitting down around the table and starting to talk and work through problems.

Sometimes one can wait for the kid to come to you and ask for a favour or some request. ' I am happy to do my best and help you , our relationship is important to me , before I get moving I want a short chat with you to hear your perspective about the problem we are having.  Kids tend to agree to start the conversation.

Letter writing also helps.  A kid can read it in his own time , internalize what has been written and work out a response in his own time without any pressure.

Family meetings , where the focus is on hearing everyone's perspectives , rather than blaming others can encourage kids to participate in CPS.

Generally kids will talk if you have been having fun with them, and there is plenty of chatting and perspective taking.

The approach of ' the world stops until we speak '  may work if the kid sees the move more as an expression of the urgency of the matter rather than trying to pressure him to speak.

Factors which may be getting in the way of participating in Plan B

*He may not have the language or language skills to engage in problem solving.

We can ask yes/no questions and proceed from there

Or  make a list of tentative /possible concerns and ask him to choose from the list a concern.

*We may be trying to do plan b ' in the moment ' and emotions and emotional baggage is getting in the way.

We need to remember to do plan B – out of the moment , maybe over a treat , out of the home . First create an atmosphere where you both feel good about each other and are sharing perspectives and agreeing about certain things -  general non-emotive stuff .

*The kid may be taken by surprise when we approach him to talk about a problem.

Sometimes agreeing ahead of time to discuss an issue will help him transition into the process.

*Our invitation step may be too vague so the kid may have difficulty in figuring out what we want from him.

 Use wh questions , break the problem down into parts etc

*The kid does not trust the process, sees plan B as plan A in the guise of Plan B.

Go slow with focusing on his concerns. Instead of stating a concern in a negative way , maybe for example  ask – what would you like to do when I am reading to your brother ? instead of ' I have noticed that you play with the lights while I am trying to read to your brother ,  focus on the positive.  When we go slow and focus on the kid's concerns, just getting his input and perspective, the kid does not feel we are trying to impose a solution.

Use ' I am not saying No ', I am not going to force you to do something which you don't want to do '  - I just want to understand you side of the story , your perspective , your concerns.

*Avoiding talking is a poor coping skill. It maintains the  status quo and the kid has not committed himself to anything.

We need lots of discussion on non-emotive issues, taking perspectives and identifying concerns of other people, animals etc , general chatting we using dialog questions to promote conversation so the kid does the speaking and we the listening.

We can then ask the kid – why he finds it easier to talk about certain issues and does not like to talk about this issue.

Maybe a third party could help facilitate discussion.

Getting stuck on the Empathy stage of Plan B

Plan B – working with the child in a collaborative way can meet with many challenges on the way , especially in the first step , getting started with the empathy-information gathering stage. The parent introduces the topic with a neutral observation saying ' I have noticed when , that etc ………, what's up. The kid's response of I don't know, silence or I don't want to talk about it can be very unsettling.

When a child says ' I don't know ' , we can try to clarify what this means. Does 'I don't know ' mean - you have some ideas of what is bothering you or what your concerns are but you are having difficulty in finding the words to say it. ? Your child may have difficulty in communicating her concerns because of lagging language processing skills.




Other possibilities of why your child is not responding to the ' what's up question.



It could be that in the past kids have had their concerns ignored and therefore don't have the experience or skills to put their concerns on the table or they have not given it much time or thought. Kids concerns are generally not on the tip of their tongues.



Silence may indicate that they need more time to think. So make them feel comfortable about taking their time, rather than immediately making tentative suggestions or asking questions.



In many instances we have been too vague and general in presenting the unsolved problem, so the child isn't exactly sure what you are trying to get information about. We need to be very specific and give as many details as possible when describing the problem.



The neutral part of the empathy step may have not been very neutral and sounded too much like Plan A , an attempt to impose your solution.



Your kid may think that you are mad at her and she needs a reassurance that you are not. You also want to reassure her that you don't want to impose your solution or force her to comply with your wishes. We can say ' I am not mad at you , I am not going to force you to do anything , I just want to hear your concerns, get your side of the story, hear your perspective '. Sometimes stepping back allows the child to come forward , similar to dancing with a partner. You step back allows your partner to step forward.



We may using Plan B in the moment , emergently rather than proactively. There is little chance of gathering information when there are fireworks, tension , emotional baggage and conflict.



Your child may not yet trust the process and feel that Plan B is just Plan A under a guise of Plan B. The child needs to trust that the process will serve his interests and solve problems to his satisfaction.



It is best to ' connect', enter the child's the world and get a conversation going before getting into Plan B. Conversation that involves sharing feelings about general non-emotive stuff , perspective taking etc .We can reflect on something positive about the child, engage in dialog that shows we understand him and he acknowledges this with a 'yes' answer. We should be in a position we a kid feels good about himself and the relationship with his parent. Doing this over a snack or a treat , giving the process an association of joy can help and open up the child.



If your child is getting stuck we can request permission to ask a few questions. ' If it Ok with you ' we can try and get your perspective on the table by me asking a few questions. All you need to do is answer , yes or know , is this OK ? And we can drill down from there.


Allan