Behaviorists view temper tantrums as '
manipulative ' behaviors by kids to get attention, get what they want and avoid
demands placed upon them. They have learned that this behavior works for them.
Don't we all try to
get attention, get what we want and try to avoid doing things we don't like ?
Don't kids have legitimate needs , a
need for autonomy and other concerns ? Should
we not try to see their world through their eyes and acknowledge their
frustration as genuine rather than calling it manipulative? Why call having a tantrum in a mall because
mom won't buy you a toy as just trying to push buttons and get mom to give in rather
than kid being frustrated and falling
apart.
Parents are advised to distinguish
between tantrums caused by frustration in doing a task or difficulty in
verbalizing stress , in which case kids need support- and the manipulative
tantrums which are attention seeking, task avoidance and getting what you want.
The latter would demand interventions - consequences like time-outs, grounding kids, loss of privileges etc . Being supportive and giving ' relationship'
would be considered as rewarding ' bad behavior ' - kids get relationship by acting badly.
These techniques may be effective in
getting ' behavior ', but come at a cost of commitment to the underlying values
and strain trust and relationship with the parent. Relationship is
made conditional and used against kids to leverage good behavior. Kids usually
abandon the idea that their parents will ever understand them, and offer
support.
The CPS/SDT - collaborative problem solving / self
determination theory view is that parents
must focus on meeting their kids' needs ( not wants). Kids who exhibit tantrums
have unmet needs and concerns - autonomy, competence and relatedness. Kids
exhibit high levels of emotional intensity- anger / frustration, driven by the
fight/flight hormones, overwhelmed by stimuli, explode and have their meltdowns.
People and kids don't decide to be manipulative and throw a tantrum to get you
something.You need to have your buttons pushed and feel incredibly frustrated,
angry and helpless. Even if parents do give in , which is very different
from meeting their needs , kids are not going to learn to throw a fit , because throwing a fit pays.
Tantrums are ' symptoms of underlying
problems. Behaviorists focus on the symptom, CPS/SDT focus on the whole child
and the underlying conditions/problems giving rise to the tantrums.
There will be times where kids do things
that are absolutely unacceptable and parents must thwart their intentions and
compromise their autonomy. If we try to ensure that our interventions are not
experienced as punishment and the relationship is not damaged we are in a good
position to deal with the underlying issues and problem solve when the kid is
calm.
The best way to deal with ' temper
tantrums' is to avoid them ' out of the moment ' by working on ' unsolved
problems ' which reliably and predictably cause kids to look bad and fall
apart. Finding realistic and durable solutions is not easy but one can
permanently solve the actual problem. In addition to solving problems, using the
CPS process kids acquire many cognitive
skills. If we can teach kids to ' think straight ' and problem solve they won't
have to deal with frustration in the first place.
Here we support the kid's autonomy in that he
participates in finding mutually satisfying solutions, and his concerns are being
addressed. We support his need for competence by solving actual problems and
teaching skills and finally most important support the need for relatedness – being
understood, experiencing support and trust.
Helping kids to deal with frustration is
in a way dealing with the symptom, rather than solving the problem causing the
behavior. However in the moment , if we are good at observing our kids and
picking up on their cues , we can help them monitor their emotions, the cues
the body offers, recognize and name the frustration, disappointment, fear or
sadness before it escalates to fury. We can help them calm down, take a break, get
some 'space ' exercise – repetitive physical motion ( we can talk how the
exercise effects our bodies ), breathing
, meditation , go to their ' comfort corners' and chill down. We can validate
feelings or more important needs and offer alternatives and choices in which
they can experience autonomy and compensate for the loss of autonomy they have just experienced.
The you tube – The Anatomy of a Tantrum
describes the 3 phases of a tantrum. The tantrum begins with
1
yelling and screaming expresses lots of anger and frustration
2 physical actions like
throwing or pushing furniture
3 crying , whining,
whimpering
It is not a good idea to try and talk to
kids during a tantrum or ignore them , but be there and give them some space.
If we imagine how this looks from a kids point of view , there is a good chance
that the kid is likely afraid of the own rage and terrified of being out of
control, so better not to ignore them or to punish. Touching , or holding kids
escalates things so we should try to use physical contact to a minimum to
ensure safety.
Part of the tantrum is a result of kids
having their autonomy thwarted. I see the physical actions as an attempt to
experience some autonomy. It may appear to be pretty provocative. Parents
should be careful not to fall into the trap and respond to these '
provocations' and let the tantrum play itself out.
The only intervention I have seen to work
in the middle of a tantrum is the kid smelling a fragrance – that seems to
reset the brain and produce dopamine that makes a person feel good .
After the tantrum is over , kids will
seek to reclaim some dignity and sense of autonomy and potency. They will ask
or try to be more autonomous. We can try to compensate their loss of autonomy
and sense of self determination in one area by giving them more autonomy in
another area. Alfie Kohn calls this ' compensatory autonomy support'.
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