The subject of choice and
being self-determined is important for helping kids buy into the Collaborative
problem solving model
As kids grow , and it can
be as little as 2 year old with their NO..s and teenagers in their attempts to gain independence , the
ability and the opportunity to make choices and exercise autonomy is important. Often because
their autonomy is thwarted in controlling schools they seek to reclaim it in
non- appropriate ways in the home or outside of school.
However when we look at
life there seems to be very little opportunity to exercise or generate choices.
Even as adults we are subject to the authority of a boss or at least in many
relationships we don't have individual choice but we make choices together with
spouses, family members, kids, fellow employees etc. So in the context of
family, community,work, friends etc , it seems clear that what must
occasionally be restricted is not choice but individual choice. Cooperation
opens up the way to so many more opportunities and choices despite the fact
that individual choice may be compromised in some areas. We need to talk in the
plural – we need to , or our problem , our choices. And even if we are pursuing our individual choices we
need to take into account the perspectives and concerns of others. We also take
into account the concerns of others because of who we are. As the Sage Hillel
said – if I am not for myself , who will be for me and if I am only for myself –
who am I ?
Kids' choice
will depend on maturity and level of development. We won't give car keys to a
child , put sugar and other unhealthy food on the table , allow unrestricted
and unsupervised screen time or no bedtime- sleep schedule because it is not developmentally appropriate
and does not serve or meet the developmental needs of kids. What kids want and desire does not mean that it
meets their true needs and is good for them . And it is for this reason that their
choices and autonomy must be limited and thwarted. However , we can invite kids
to participate in the decision making, generating choices and solving problems
in a collaborative way. In this way we support their autonomy ,set limits together with them and they thus learn to set limits for themselves, to take life principles and derive a limit
from the situation itself
We are often
told , that we don't have much choice and in the main the choice we do have is
how we respond to situations. Now we can respond in many ways – we can respond
in a way that we feel controlled, threatened,
no choice – we have to be compliant , if not we suffer the consequences
or we do something because of the prize , praise or some other extrinsic
motivation. We can be controlled by desires, wants, feelings of anxiety, being
controlled by the inside – the need to please , workaholic etc. Or we can respond in a way ,
that shows our autonomy , that we are authors of our actions and self-determined.
When we are subjected to a security check at the airport , we do it in an
autonomous way , because we believe this is the way to ensure safety . We are self-determined when we endorse any
action at the highest level of reflection. It means being connected to your
inner-being. Many of the things kids say , are said when they are not connected
to their inner beings or being self-determined but merely seeking the path of
least resistance , no deep reflection.
Autonomy has nothing to do with independence or being able to choose
what to do. It is making sure , that we become the authors of our actions and
feel self-determined . For sure , there will be times that we feel less
intrinsically motivated , and still we
do these things
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