Are we complainers or Problem solvers

Here are some insights from my new blog  http://allankatz-parentingbythebook.blogspot.co.il/

The weekly Torah=Bible reading of Beha'alotcha from the book of Numbers relates various complaints against God that the children of Israel had in the desert.

The people had 'manna' from heaven as their food. They began to complain about the lack of meat and vegetables recalling  the vegetables that they got ' free' in Egypt.

 On the other hand , the Torah tells us that there were those who expressed a certain sadness and disappointment on not being able to contribute and participate in the 'pesach=pascal sacrifice. This sacrifice was a symbol of the covenant between God and his people culminating in the redemption from Egypt. They could not participate in the pesach=pascal sacrifice because they were impure. This impurity was caused by their carrying Joseph's coffin. Aaron, Moses brother was also depressed that he and his tribe were not invited to contribute offerings to the newly established tabernacle in the desert.

As parents and teachers we should be helping kids to deal with the challenges and frustrations of life. CPS – the collaborative problem solving approach is a great way to give kids these cognitive problem solving tools. But just as important we should help them with an approach, and a philosophy to life's problems, disappointments and frustrations.

Are we ' complainers' who express frustration and feel deprived? Or do we see life's problems as challenges, problems to be solved, and opportunities to grow? Are mistakes our friends, which provide learning opportunities, and do we  say failure is not in the falling, but not getting up? Are we frustrated that we are being deprived and did not ' receive '  something or are we disappointed because of  missed opportunities to ' give ' and make a contribution to others.

The basic difference between the ' complainers ' and ' problem solvers'  is how they respond to reality. Complainers try to fight reality and this is usually takes the form of a lot of emotional negative statements and complaints – ' He shouldn't….. why did he …. Why can't I …., why don't I have ……   .  Problem solvers don't try to fight reality. They accept reality , they accept heavenly decrees. This liberates them emotionally from any negative feeling and sets the stage for problem solving.

Instead of complaining about your kids , accept the reality that ' kids do well if they can ' and not kids do well if they want to '  = ( the CPS approach mantra). Now you are emotionally free of the ' he shouldn't being doing that …', he is not trying hard enough.., he shouldn't be so rude and defiant… etc to ask what is getting in my kid's way , how can I help him.

One of the ways to solve a problem is to ask for help. Complainers don't ask for help. They generally express a lot of negativity and their complaints are not really problems to be solved but are symptomatic of the problems they have with life itself.

Modeling and teaching collaborative problem solving skills and an approach to life's problems and frustrations we can help our kids and ourselves to be Collaborative Problem Solvers and not Complainers.

EFs -Executive Functions resources - CPS , RDI

The collaborative problem solving approach addresses the many cognitive skills that a child may be lacking. When we solve problems in a collaborative way we promote executive functions, language processing skills, emotion regulation skills , social skills and cognitive flexibility. 

The RDI – relationship Development Intervention approach is very helpful in teaching kids EFs. Like CPS , EF skills are not taught directly but indirectly by being the ' guide by the side ' when engaging the child in different real life activities that require EF skills.

Here is a blog post   Executive Functions and RDI

Executive function Skills – from Thinkkids.org care givers handout 


These are the thinking skills, associated with the frontal lobe of the brain. They enable one to do the clear, organized, reflective thinking in the midst of frustration that is crucial for solving problems in an adaptive (non-impulsive) manner. The executive skills include:

• shifting cognitive set (the ability to shift gears, to make transitions in activities and thinking smoothly)

• organization and planning, and working memory (allow you to use hindsight and forethought to solve problems in a systematic fashion)

• separation of affect (the ability to put feelings on the shelf to get on with the clear thinking needed to solve problems)

When lacking, these children will have difficulty shifting from one activity to another. They will have difficulty anticipating problems. In the face of frustration, they will have difficulty staying calm enough to think clearly and will have difficulty sorting through different solutions to organize a coherent plan of action. 


Here are 2 check lists – the ALSUP Assessed Lacking Skills and unsolved problems from Dr Greene's site ' CPS – lives in the balance and a similar list from the TSI – thinking skills inventory from thinkkids.org – Dr Ablon



Dr Greene feels that categorizing the skills into executive functions etc gets in the way of focusing on the real problem , the concerns of the child and the underlying skill. It becomes a label , a diagnoses that get's in the way of helping kids. Too often , clinicians will try to promote executive functions independently of problems and the child's concerns. It is much better to work with the check list of the lacking skills together with unsolved problems. Dr Ablon reintroduced the categories at the request of parents in order to help them remember the various cognitive lacking skills. Separation of affect – putting emotions on the shelf – is now categorized by Dr Ablon under emotion regulation skills.



The various lacking cognitive skills may be found in nearly all childhood disorders and that is especially true for executive functions. So it is a bit silly to say if a kid has executive functions deficits he must have ADHD. This proves the CPS approach claim that diagnoses don't tell much and actually get into the way of a clear understanding of the underlying challenges of the child and the compatibility and responsiveness of the child's care givers.



http://www.livesinthebalance.org/sites/default/files/ALSUP%20Rev%2011-12-12%20pdf%20%282%29.pdf



From : Treating Explosive children - Executive functions 

  
Handling transitions, shifting from one mindset or task to another (shifting

cognitive set). 

Sticking with tasks requiring sustained attention (perseverance)

Doing things in a logical sequence or prescribed order (organization)

Reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas simultaneously (working memory)

Maintaining focus for goal-directed activities (sustained attention / concentration)

Ignoring non-relevant stimuli (distractibility)

Thinking before responding, considering the likely outcomes or consequences of

actions, forecasting (reflective not impulsive thinking)

Considering a range of solutions to a problem 


We can  train kids to be  more organized, planful, intentional ( non-impulsive ) thinking when we use Plan B – taking perspectives and concerns, defining the problem , using hindsight to reflect on past solutions and their outcomes, foresight to predict likely outcomes of potential solutions , anticipating problems and proactively solving them .


Responding to changes in routines or demands to change cognitive sets from one set of rules and expectations and making transitions is a skill which relies also on the capacity to anticipate and predict the near future and thereby not being taken by surprise.


Pan B of CPS promotes executive functions as we work through unsolved problems. We can collaborate – not top down skills instruction – with the child to see how together we can formulate goals , make the day more predictable and organized –




see below resources – Sara Ward and Ann Epstein = intentional choice and planning. 



We can help kids make lists and schedules. This is also great because it gives them a sense of time and a wider time horizon. In the moment , a kid may feel that their needs are not being met , for eg not going to the swimming pool or a play date. When they check the week's schedule they are able to perceive the bigger picture. 


Supporting a kid's autonomy is very important for their development. Autonomy does not mean independence but rather interdependence. It means being in touch with your inner core values and making decisions which express your true self and not just a reaction against parents.


When a kid had made a list or schedule , we can ask ' what about brushing teeth , do you see any problems ' etc . We don't have to give orders or instructions to do things , because it is the list the kid made is creating his agenda.


In today's modern world with plenty of technology with which kids love to mediate the world we can make use of ' Assistive Technology - check my post on ' AT'


Here are some Resources

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXXvqCp1Vu0   - new - interview with Sarah Ward 

here are some links - Sara Ward's pdf

http://www.executivefunctiontherapy.com/ 

Sara Ward has some ' amazing presentions ' here

http://www.abspedpac.org/Documents/Sarah_Ward_execfuncpres.pdf


http://home.comcast.net/~kskkight/ 


http://www.schoolbehavior.com/disorders/executive-dysfunction/


http://jamesdauntchandler.tripod.com/  - Chandler Papers on childhood disorders 


http://jamesdauntchandler.tripod.com/EF/executive_functioning.pdf


http://journal.naeyc.org/btj/200309/Planning&Reflection.pdf   - Ann Epstein

http://schoolnet.gov.mt/thinkingskills/thinkingtools.htm   - Edward de Bono

http://www.greatschools.net/LD/identifying/executive-function-lens-to-view-your-child.gs?content=1017