I tend to judge parenting/teaching books
that focus on behavior through the eyes of Ross Greene's CPS – collaborative problem
solving approach and the Self
Determination theory. 'The secrets of discipline for parents and teachers' by
Ronald Morrish seems promising by
teaching lagging skills and avoiding rewards and punishment , but Morrish's book about discipline is just a more
sophisticated version of imposing your will and getting compliance by ' doing
to kids '.
Moorish suggests 3 important building
blocks to sound discipline – Train compliance, teach skills, and manage choices.
He talks about ' training compliance ' so
kids out of habit comply with adult directions, rules and limits. This is done
by using your parental presence and authority, insisting and persisting, direct
instructions and supervision to get compliance, forcing do-overs and if that
does not work punishment or consequences.
Behavior management is done by managing
the choices of kids. Most parenting books say if you want compliance – give choices.
This is still plan A – imposing adult will. Do what I say - A, B, or C.
Children are encouraged to reflect on the
outcomes of their actions, whether they were appropriate and successful. Now a
successful outcome won't be measured by the reward or consequence given for the
kid's compliance or not as Moorish does not recommend rewards and punishment
but rather the reward or punishment is more subtle , in the form of parental
approval, displeasure or disappointment. As he recommends parents to ask the
misbehaving kid – would you have made the same decision if I had been standing
next to you? Then why do you need me to stand next to you ? You should be doing
what I want without me asking you.
Parents can also disguise punishment in
the form of natural consequences. Where a kid has been lying or stealing etc or
acted inappropriately , the parent can limit the kid's freedom by saying he
cannot be trusted or not responsible enough. According to Moorish and many
others being responsible is a kid knowing how to follow instructions and
comply.
Skills are taught in a top-down manner
again in order to get compliance.
The Self Determination theory says that
when the 3 basic needs of kids – autonomy, competence and relatedness are met,
kids become self determined, intrinsically motivated and internalize values and
their behavior becomes meaningful rather than one of habit. They tend to ask
what type of person do I want to be, does this reflect my values.
By focusing on compliance Moorish ignores
fostering the kid's autonomy. When limits are set together with parents and
problems are solved in a collaborative way kids internalize limits and with the
help of parental guidelines rather than rules, kids actually learn to create
limits themselves.
Kids show responsibility not by following
instructions but by 'generating ' choices and articulating their thoughts, feelings
and opinions. Kids learn to express and get their concerns met in appropriate
ways in the context of the needs of the family, friends or classmates. They
also learn to take perspectives and to actually appreciate and understand the
reasoning behind a parental, teacher or a friend's request.
Parenting is more about kids being able to
trust parents, to see them as a help, as somebody who understands their
concerns and cares about them. It is about relationship. Moorish sees
relationship as serving discipline and blows kids concerns off the table and
trust being the responsibility of the kid – you can be trusted with the freedom I give you as you don't follow instructions.
Moorish talks about teaching skills like resolving conflict, working and playing with
others and being cooperative. If the parental focus is on compliance, plan A=
imposing adult will ,where is the parent modeling and teaching collaboration
and conflict resolution skills.
From the experience of RDI – relationship
developmental intervention therapists skills need to be taught in a
constructivist way using parental guided participation to encourage kids thinking
and autonomy in the learning process. The most important skill being taught is '
relationship' , not compliance. The CPS – collaborative problem solving
approach teaches skills indirectly by solving problems in a collaborative way. The
purpose of teaching skills is not to get compliance but to promote intrinsic
motivation and relatedness.
Moorish's parenting/teaching practices
fail children badly by ignoring their needs for autonomy, competence and
relatedness.
here are 2 summaries of the book
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