Resolving the heart of conflict depends on the CPS mantra - children do well if they can

This week's Torah-Bible reading Devarim starts the 5^th book of Moses, Deuteronomy. Devarim is always read   on the Sabbath before the fast of 9^th of Av , a day where Jews reflect on the causes of the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem - baseless hatred and destructive human relationships.  The temple will only be rebuilt when people are worthy of a temple by being  loving and caring towards one another.

With so much conflict on a family, community, national and international level one cannot but ask – What's getting in the way?

James Ferrel from  The Arbinger institute , in his highly recommended TedX Talk – Resolving the Heart of Conflict  – takes us first through a family scenario, then corporate life, international politics and then ends off with an emotional story about a father and son. I share here only his ideas and one example from an article not discussed in his Tedx Talk. 

He claims that we actually value problems, mistreatment, trouble, and conflict. He explains that according to Martin Buber, we don't have problems with people whom we count or identify with. We see their humanity and 'are made in God's image'. The others who don't count in our eyes are viewed as objects. It is easier to view or treat people badly if you ' objectify ' them. But objectifying people comes with a consequence – a deep inner need to justify that view. So the heart sees advantage in trouble and conflict, it provides the proof and justification that we are looking for. People then begin to value problems above solutions, conflict above peace and cooperation.

The book of Deuteronomy is Moses last sermon to the Israelites. He recounts their history together, especially the failed mission of the spies. The spies went on their mission with a negative view of the Promised Land. This created a need inside of them to justify that view. So they went into the land 'digging' for problems and trouble. They reported that it is '  a land that eats its inhabitants'. After the report of the spies, this negativity was directed against God himself. To justify this negativity, they said that it was clear that God's purpose in taking them out of Egypt was to destroy them in the desert by the hands of the Amorites.

The way out of this trap is to see the humanity of others and that they are made in God's image. In an article – James Ferrel writes about company executives, employees and representatives of the unions who spent some time in a holiday resort trying to see how they could cooperate much more efficiently. At the end of the 3 days, they attempted to resolve disputes which had been around for more than a year and that were scheduled for arbitration.

'They resolved the dispute in forty minutes , because – during the first 2 days together they solved the heart of the conflict that had been dividing them, which was the mutual objectification and blame for each other. Until they saw their conflict partners as people, with hopes and dreams and cares and fears as real as their own, they needed justification more than they needed resolution and were both unwilling and unable to find creative, mutually beneficial possibilities. They found too much advantage in problems to be able to find lasting solutions.' – James Ferrel.

We can now more easily appreciate how the Collaborative problem solving approach's mantra –' children do well if they can , and not children do well if they want to'-which we can apply to adults as well - , enables us to see their humanity , act with more compassion and instead of making problems worse than they are , make things better for all.

Korach 73 - Put your relationship first

Being religious is problematic , it can lead to a person being self righteous. So as parents we should put the relationship with our kids first ! From my parenting by the book blog 
http://tinyurl.com/k2vsekd

The mission of the spies to the land of Israel ended in disaster. The generation of the spies lost their right to enter the 'promised land' and they were now destined to spend the next 40 years in the desert. There was a lot of dissatisfaction with Moses' Leadership. Korach and his followers challenged Moses right to lead and started a rebellion against Moses. God intervenes -  Moses remains the leader and Korach and his followers are destroyed.

The commentators talk about how destructive strife, conflict and friction are to a community and encourage ' Shalom '  peace without sacrificing God's truth.

' Peace –harmony 'is the vessel through which God's blessings is able to reach us as a community and a family.

There is an interesting Medrash Rabah  insight taught by the Rabbis on Psalm 34 verse 15.

'Seek out shalom=peace and pursue it ' The verse says – seek out peace but not Mitzvot = good deeds.

 This medrash is very strange. Are we not taught to seek out and do good deeds , is this not our purpose here in this world?  (our ) Rabbi   Yeruchum from Mir explains that our purpose is really to seek relationships with people based on shalom. If our purpose is to ' collect ' as many good deeds as possible, the focus becomes 'oneself 'and there is the danger of a ' self righteousness'  distorting one's judgment. But when we give our good deeds the context of shalom and relationship, our focus is on the relationship and other people.

What does this Medrash say to us as parents ?

We should ask ourselves – what type of relationship do I have with my kids ? Do they see me as a help, caring and loving , somebody who they can trust and learn from or  do they see me as being judgmental, critical , demanding and show less love when they screw up. ? Instead of being right, and self righteous insisting on ' our principles and standards ' we should focus on relationship.

It suggests that we  that we should put our relationship with our kids first.

Alfie Kohn in his book Unconditional parenting suggests that  we should be careful not to jeopardize our relationship with our kids when we try to get them to do certain things or say the unnecessary Nos. We should consider whether some of our demands are worth pursuing in the first place, are they developmentally appropriate to a young kid or a kid that is not flexible and has a low frustration tolerance. We can try and make the environment more user-friendly so we need to exercise less control – for example –parents , whose kids play in a safe environment and serve healthy food including for deserts don't need to be controlling in the park or home , limiting what kids can do and  forcing them  to eat healthy foods. We can drop ' our principles ' and lower the rope when it comes to kids rooms so the only place that is truly a child's own does not have to be maintained at high parental standards. We need to ask if what we are doing or demanding is worth the possible strain on the relationship.

While ' relationship ' is important as an end , Alfie Kohn suggests the following benefits.

Misbehavior is easier to address and problems are easier to solve – when children feel safe enough with us to explain the reasons why they did something wrong. CPS – collaborative problem solving rests on the info we gather from the child about his concerns and perspectives.

Kids are more likely to come to us when they are in trouble or to look to us for advice.    Why are parents and teachers the last to know when their kids or students screw up.?

Kids are more likely to want to spend time with us when they can choose whether to do so.

When kids know they can trust us and their concerns are generally taken into account , they are more likely to do what we ask if we tell them it's really important.

The medrash is telling us parents to put the relationship first , be less self righteous and reconsider ' principles and standards - because ' relationship ' is the vessel through which God brings his blessing to us, relationship is so important in itself and in a practical sense helps us raise  reflective , caring and responsible kids.

Are we complainers or Problem solvers

Here are some insights from my new blog  http://allankatz-parentingbythebook.blogspot.co.il/

The weekly Torah=Bible reading of Beha'alotcha from the book of Numbers relates various complaints against God that the children of Israel had in the desert.

The people had 'manna' from heaven as their food. They began to complain about the lack of meat and vegetables recalling  the vegetables that they got ' free' in Egypt.

 On the other hand , the Torah tells us that there were those who expressed a certain sadness and disappointment on not being able to contribute and participate in the 'pesach=pascal sacrifice. This sacrifice was a symbol of the covenant between God and his people culminating in the redemption from Egypt. They could not participate in the pesach=pascal sacrifice because they were impure. This impurity was caused by their carrying Joseph's coffin. Aaron, Moses brother was also depressed that he and his tribe were not invited to contribute offerings to the newly established tabernacle in the desert.

As parents and teachers we should be helping kids to deal with the challenges and frustrations of life. CPS – the collaborative problem solving approach is a great way to give kids these cognitive problem solving tools. But just as important we should help them with an approach, and a philosophy to life's problems, disappointments and frustrations.

Are we ' complainers' who express frustration and feel deprived? Or do we see life's problems as challenges, problems to be solved, and opportunities to grow? Are mistakes our friends, which provide learning opportunities, and do we  say failure is not in the falling, but not getting up? Are we frustrated that we are being deprived and did not ' receive '  something or are we disappointed because of  missed opportunities to ' give ' and make a contribution to others.

The basic difference between the ' complainers ' and ' problem solvers'  is how they respond to reality. Complainers try to fight reality and this is usually takes the form of a lot of emotional negative statements and complaints – ' He shouldn't….. why did he …. Why can't I …., why don't I have ……   .  Problem solvers don't try to fight reality. They accept reality , they accept heavenly decrees. This liberates them emotionally from any negative feeling and sets the stage for problem solving.

Instead of complaining about your kids , accept the reality that ' kids do well if they can ' and not kids do well if they want to '  = ( the CPS approach mantra). Now you are emotionally free of the ' he shouldn't being doing that …', he is not trying hard enough.., he shouldn't be so rude and defiant… etc to ask what is getting in my kid's way , how can I help him.

One of the ways to solve a problem is to ask for help. Complainers don't ask for help. They generally express a lot of negativity and their complaints are not really problems to be solved but are symptomatic of the problems they have with life itself.

Modeling and teaching collaborative problem solving skills and an approach to life's problems and frustrations we can help our kids and ourselves to be Collaborative Problem Solvers and not Complainers.

EFs -Executive Functions resources - CPS , RDI

The collaborative problem solving approach addresses the many cognitive skills that a child may be lacking. When we solve problems in a collaborative way we promote executive functions, language processing skills, emotion regulation skills , social skills and cognitive flexibility. 

The RDI – relationship Development Intervention approach is very helpful in teaching kids EFs. Like CPS , EF skills are not taught directly but indirectly by being the ' guide by the side ' when engaging the child in different real life activities that require EF skills.

Here is a blog post   Executive Functions and RDI

Executive function Skills – from Thinkkids.org care givers handout 


These are the thinking skills, associated with the frontal lobe of the brain. They enable one to do the clear, organized, reflective thinking in the midst of frustration that is crucial for solving problems in an adaptive (non-impulsive) manner. The executive skills include:

• shifting cognitive set (the ability to shift gears, to make transitions in activities and thinking smoothly)

• organization and planning, and working memory (allow you to use hindsight and forethought to solve problems in a systematic fashion)

• separation of affect (the ability to put feelings on the shelf to get on with the clear thinking needed to solve problems)

When lacking, these children will have difficulty shifting from one activity to another. They will have difficulty anticipating problems. In the face of frustration, they will have difficulty staying calm enough to think clearly and will have difficulty sorting through different solutions to organize a coherent plan of action. 


Here are 2 check lists – the ALSUP Assessed Lacking Skills and unsolved problems from Dr Greene's site ' CPS – lives in the balance and a similar list from the TSI – thinking skills inventory from thinkkids.org – Dr Ablon



Dr Greene feels that categorizing the skills into executive functions etc gets in the way of focusing on the real problem , the concerns of the child and the underlying skill. It becomes a label , a diagnoses that get's in the way of helping kids. Too often , clinicians will try to promote executive functions independently of problems and the child's concerns. It is much better to work with the check list of the lacking skills together with unsolved problems. Dr Ablon reintroduced the categories at the request of parents in order to help them remember the various cognitive lacking skills. Separation of affect – putting emotions on the shelf – is now categorized by Dr Ablon under emotion regulation skills.



The various lacking cognitive skills may be found in nearly all childhood disorders and that is especially true for executive functions. So it is a bit silly to say if a kid has executive functions deficits he must have ADHD. This proves the CPS approach claim that diagnoses don't tell much and actually get into the way of a clear understanding of the underlying challenges of the child and the compatibility and responsiveness of the child's care givers.



http://www.livesinthebalance.org/sites/default/files/ALSUP%20Rev%2011-12-12%20pdf%20%282%29.pdf



From : Treating Explosive children - Executive functions 

  
Handling transitions, shifting from one mindset or task to another (shifting

cognitive set). 

Sticking with tasks requiring sustained attention (perseverance)

Doing things in a logical sequence or prescribed order (organization)

Reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas simultaneously (working memory)

Maintaining focus for goal-directed activities (sustained attention / concentration)

Ignoring non-relevant stimuli (distractibility)

Thinking before responding, considering the likely outcomes or consequences of

actions, forecasting (reflective not impulsive thinking)

Considering a range of solutions to a problem 


We can  train kids to be  more organized, planful, intentional ( non-impulsive ) thinking when we use Plan B – taking perspectives and concerns, defining the problem , using hindsight to reflect on past solutions and their outcomes, foresight to predict likely outcomes of potential solutions , anticipating problems and proactively solving them .


Responding to changes in routines or demands to change cognitive sets from one set of rules and expectations and making transitions is a skill which relies also on the capacity to anticipate and predict the near future and thereby not being taken by surprise.


Pan B of CPS promotes executive functions as we work through unsolved problems. We can collaborate – not top down skills instruction – with the child to see how together we can formulate goals , make the day more predictable and organized –




see below resources – Sara Ward and Ann Epstein = intentional choice and planning. 



We can help kids make lists and schedules. This is also great because it gives them a sense of time and a wider time horizon. In the moment , a kid may feel that their needs are not being met , for eg not going to the swimming pool or a play date. When they check the week's schedule they are able to perceive the bigger picture. 


Supporting a kid's autonomy is very important for their development. Autonomy does not mean independence but rather interdependence. It means being in touch with your inner core values and making decisions which express your true self and not just a reaction against parents.


When a kid had made a list or schedule , we can ask ' what about brushing teeth , do you see any problems ' etc . We don't have to give orders or instructions to do things , because it is the list the kid made is creating his agenda.


In today's modern world with plenty of technology with which kids love to mediate the world we can make use of ' Assistive Technology - check my post on ' AT'


Here are some Resources

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXXvqCp1Vu0   - new - interview with Sarah Ward 

here are some links - Sara Ward's pdf

http://www.executivefunctiontherapy.com/ 

Sara Ward has some ' amazing presentions ' here

http://www.abspedpac.org/Documents/Sarah_Ward_execfuncpres.pdf


http://home.comcast.net/~kskkight/ 


http://www.schoolbehavior.com/disorders/executive-dysfunction/


http://jamesdauntchandler.tripod.com/  - Chandler Papers on childhood disorders 


http://jamesdauntchandler.tripod.com/EF/executive_functioning.pdf


http://journal.naeyc.org/btj/200309/Planning&Reflection.pdf   - Ann Epstein

http://schoolnet.gov.mt/thinkingskills/thinkingtools.htm   - Edward de Bono

http://www.greatschools.net/LD/identifying/executive-function-lens-to-view-your-child.gs?content=1017

Carl Honore - Slow Fix parenting and CPS - collaborative problem solving

Parents of challenging children are often warned that there is no ' quick fix ' or 'magic bullet ' .

But the typical advice they are  given are the quick fixes and magic bullets  of parenting –  medicating the child and treating the behaviors with behavior modification techniques such as rewards, punishments and consequences. At most they may make a kid look good and get short-term compliance.

 Quick fixes may help in the short-term and compensate for lagging skills a kid may have , but they don't address the long term concerns and goals we have for challenging kids- helping them acquire the many cognitive and life skills needed to flourish in school, family and community and being off medication.

Carl Honore , the author of Slow Fix , explains in the parenting clip 

the Slow Fix and parenting , that  that there is no ' quick fix' , and  only the ' slow fix ' approach to parenting  can meet parenting challenges. Parenting is then,  not about  choosing parenting tools or using techniques , but becomes a ' slow  process' of listening, collaborative problem solving and relationship.

This Slow-fix mindset is crucial for engaging in Dr Ross Greene's CPS – collaborative problem solving model. 

The mantra – children do well if they can and not if they want to, gets us into the slow fix mode. We have to take it ' slow' , very slow. The first step of the cps process –  is the empathy step ,where we gather information about the child's concerns and perspective about the  problem , must be slow. We must discard our theories and be open for surprises. We need to do the listening and the kid – the talking , at most we can use dialog questions to try and drill down to get a clear understanding of their concerns. The kid must feel understood and heard and trust that the parent is there as a help. This can take more than one session. If the kid needs some time alone to ' think about it ' –give him the time. The same goes for the other steps in the model. 

Sometimes parents and kids get stuck when trying to brainstorm a mutually satisfying solution. Again, they can come back and try again after having some time to think about it. Solutions are also not ' quick fixes'. In real life , the first solution is rarely the lasting and durable solution. The slow-fix means That we will be reviewing how our solutions are working out , and if  neccessary we will together with the kid be going back to the drawing board and working on better solutions.

Quick fixes – medication , rewards, consequences and punishments are things that we would love to give up. It is preferable to  have a kid intrinsically motivated and not on drugs . Unlike the quick fixes , the slow fix is about ' process' and being involved in ' process' means there is learning taking place all the time.

So when we are engaging in CPS – collaborative problem solving remember to wear your Slow fix hat. 

Here is Carl Honore Ted Talk in Praise of Slowness

http://www.carlhonore.com/2013/02/the-slow-fix-and-parenting/

The Problem with Telling or Talking

In response to inappropriate behaviors in a school ,a teacher suggested that teacher and school expectations of kids should be voiced more often and with more concern.

Telling a kid that his behavior is unacceptable or inappropriate sounds more like a cliché and pretty vague. We need to be more specific and detailed.

Kids already know that their behaviors are unacceptable but are most likely lacking the skills demanded of them  or  lack commitment to the underlying values.

Instead of telling kids your behavior is unacceptable,  it would be better to get their input at what is getting in their way or at least helping them reflect on how the behavior is impacting on others.

Telling kids or talking to them does not help much. The reason is that we are doing the talking.

The renowned educationalist Deborah Meier said that teaching is essentially listening and learning is essentially talking. The same goes for socio-moral learning.

We need to LISTEN and at most direct the conversation with dialog questions to get input from kids about what is getting their way, help them  articulate their concerns  and reflect on the impact of their behavior on others, the type of person I want to be and come up with a better plan.

The problem with telling or talking is who is doing the telling or talking ! 

Nothing will happen to me if I hit !

One kid said –' If I have a problem with a kid, I will just hit him, because I know the teacher will just talk to me and nothing will happen to me' !

The CPS approach would be to have a conversation to understand why a kid would respond in such a way. Would it not be better to solve problems by talking rather than by hitting!

The bottom line is that a CPS conversation between the teacher and kid will make sure that something does happen to him, it won't be something extrinsic like a punishment or consequence but intrinsic . Something will happen from the inside.

The question we want the kid to ask himself is what type of person do I want to be?.

Does this type of behavior give expression to my values or reflect on the type of person I want to be or the way kids should   interact in our classroom and solve problems. How can I get my needs and concerns met in an appropriate way.?

A kid who says his behavior will be determined by the possible consequences handed out by a teacher is actually giving up' control' of his behavior to the teacher. The locus of control is now outside the kid. His behavior is now dependent on how the teacher reacts and is no longer self determined, autonomous and an expression of his values.

The reason why sometimes kids like punishment is that it is the easy way out. Accountability here is just paying a price and making sure you don't get caught. You don’t have to change from the inside, come up with a better plan and engage in restitution in autonomous way.

What happens to a kid when he receives a consequence?  In my day, the tough kids took the punishment like a man and the others regretted at having being caught. Today, there is more anger and pain. But all  kids who get punished never ask themselves- is this  a reflection of the type of person I want to be ?  They only ask – what will happen to me ? In a sense , nothing has happened to him except his ' what's in it for me ' thinking has been reinforced.

What will happen to a kid with CPS. He will be uplifted,  enhanced self esteem,better relationship with his teachers and peers and more committed to his values. He will have acquired lots of communication and problem solving skills. He will have a new vision of his ' possible self ' and his future.