Carl Honore - Slow Fix parenting and CPS - collaborative problem solving

Parents of challenging children are often warned that there is no ' quick fix ' or 'magic bullet ' .

But the typical advice they are  given are the quick fixes and magic bullets  of parenting –  medicating the child and treating the behaviors with behavior modification techniques such as rewards, punishments and consequences. At most they may make a kid look good and get short-term compliance.

 Quick fixes may help in the short-term and compensate for lagging skills a kid may have , but they don't address the long term concerns and goals we have for challenging kids- helping them acquire the many cognitive and life skills needed to flourish in school, family and community and being off medication.

Carl Honore , the author of Slow Fix , explains in the parenting clip 

the Slow Fix and parenting , that  that there is no ' quick fix' , and  only the ' slow fix ' approach to parenting  can meet parenting challenges. Parenting is then,  not about  choosing parenting tools or using techniques , but becomes a ' slow  process' of listening, collaborative problem solving and relationship.

This Slow-fix mindset is crucial for engaging in Dr Ross Greene's CPS – collaborative problem solving model. 

The mantra – children do well if they can and not if they want to, gets us into the slow fix mode. We have to take it ' slow' , very slow. The first step of the cps process –  is the empathy step ,where we gather information about the child's concerns and perspective about the  problem , must be slow. We must discard our theories and be open for surprises. We need to do the listening and the kid – the talking , at most we can use dialog questions to try and drill down to get a clear understanding of their concerns. The kid must feel understood and heard and trust that the parent is there as a help. This can take more than one session. If the kid needs some time alone to ' think about it ' –give him the time. The same goes for the other steps in the model. 

Sometimes parents and kids get stuck when trying to brainstorm a mutually satisfying solution. Again, they can come back and try again after having some time to think about it. Solutions are also not ' quick fixes'. In real life , the first solution is rarely the lasting and durable solution. The slow-fix means That we will be reviewing how our solutions are working out , and if  neccessary we will together with the kid be going back to the drawing board and working on better solutions.

Quick fixes – medication , rewards, consequences and punishments are things that we would love to give up. It is preferable to  have a kid intrinsically motivated and not on drugs . Unlike the quick fixes , the slow fix is about ' process' and being involved in ' process' means there is learning taking place all the time.

So when we are engaging in CPS – collaborative problem solving remember to wear your Slow fix hat. 

Here is Carl Honore Ted Talk in Praise of Slowness

http://www.carlhonore.com/2013/02/the-slow-fix-and-parenting/

Education/Parenting - preparation for the real world

One of the concerns that parents and educators have with a ' working with ' approach which supports kids  autonomy is that in the real world you have to learn to take the consequences of your actions, be accountable and adaptive to the demands of the society. The home and school should be preparing kids for the real competitive, unsafe and not empathic world , by giving them coping skills, and not trying to see the world through the eyes of their kids but focusing on compliance so that they will be able to comply with the demands of a future boss. Etc

Schools thus justify competition, -the world outside is a competitive one-, give grades, awards, honor rolls, rank students, standardized testing, and  rewards, punishments, consequences  to get compliance.  The home should have clear rules and when rules are broken and infractions committed, there should be immediate consequences that fit the crime.  Privileges and love should be earned. There is a reciprocity, you need to give in order to get. In this way we are preparing kids for the real world.

John Dewey said that education is not a preparation for life , but life itself. Becoming a LLL – a life long learner with a growth mindset promises one a different quality of life. So we should focus on what it means to be well-educated.

Which kids are more well equipped to cope with the outside world -  those who know how to be compliant and follow instructions or those whose needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness are being met and they have good communication and collaborative problem skills.

 The world today is less 'control and compliance ' orientated than it was in the past. But even if kids end up in a controlling environment, it is those with collaborative problem solving skills who will cope better than a person who is just compliant. Competitiveness is no longer considered an asset in the business world. It is those people who can 'work with' and collaborate with others , learning and gaining from others while making a contribution, end up achieving the most in business.  It is those people who support the autonomy, competence and relatedness of others who are able to lead and inspire.

Traditional schools don't foster collaboration and cooperation skills. As Alfie Kohn says they teach kids to stand alone in a crowd, instead of learning how to work with and benefit from others. 

Docility, compliance , following instructions is valued.

 Responsibility is taught by allowing kids to make decisions , not by following instructions. Traditional schools ignore the whole child and instead of integrating learning into a multi-disciplinary framework , everything is compartmentalized into separate subjects.

 In real life we spend very little time with people of our own ages , progressive schools encourage interactions with kids of different ages. Progressive schools learn not only through discussion but also by doing and constructing modern knowledge. Students take responsibility for their learning and are intrinsically motivated rather than driven by grades and credentials. In their personal interactions and certainly in the work place they will be business leaders and managers who support the autonomy, competence and relatedness of their employees.

In any case the work, home and school environments are different and serve a different purpose. The home should be a safe haven of unconditional love and acceptance and relationships should not be ' contractual or reciprocal ' like those in a work environment. The learning environment focuses on the process , the work environment focuses on results and achievement.

If we see school and the home as place where kids are being prepared for their economic role , educational policies that put emphasis on test scores and a narrow curriculum, those espoused by politicians and business people ,will be the order of the day.  The truth is that education that promotes autonomy, competence and relatedness will not only foster LLLs, life long learners and responsible and caring people, but also creative and cooperative people in the work environment.

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'Children do well if they can '

The underlying philosophy behind the Collaborative Problem solving approach - CPS is that ' children do well if they can' and not that ' children do well if they want to.'

Most people including kids would prefer to be successful and do well, be accepted and behave adaptively in various situations. So instead of asking ourselves how can I motivate this child to want to do well, we should ask ourselves what is getting in his way so I can help him to be successful.

CPS posits that the child may be lacking skills in the areas of frustration tolerance, flexibility and responding adaptively in situations that place high demands on those lacking skills. We can describe the maladaptive behavior as a learning disability and here our theme Parenting is Learning ' is crucial. It helps us to learn about our child's challenges and missing skills, seeing his world through his eyes and together in a collaborative way find mutually satisfying solutions to problems. The lacking skills include executive functions skills deficits, language processing skills, emotional regulation skills, social skills and cognitive flexibility. When we use CPS process we not only promote the acquiring of these cognitive life skills, but we foster attachment and connection , creating a trusting relationship which is vital for learning .

CPS is not a technique but a process where over time a child and in most cases a parent as well is acquiring skills, and learning to trust the process. Parents have been advised by therapists and books to ' choose their battles ' . They must learn to ignore minor issues , be very firm on the major stuff and impose their will. CPS calls imposing adult will Plan A ( adult ) and letting things go Plan C ( child's will ). Giving choices is also Plan A as the parent says ' Do it my way – this or that '. Plan C in the CPS plan is not completely ignoring the behavior , but rather putting some of our expectations on the shelf for the time being, thus helping us to prioritize which issues and problems need to be dealt with first. Plan C is important as it helps to reduce negative interactions and helps create a friendly and relaxed atmosphere so learning can take place. Parenting is not about battles and choosing them. Parenting is about learning , being the ' guide by the side ' , working with your child to meet each others' expectations, further goals and solve problems.

Plan B is what CPS is mainly about . This is where both child and adult concerns are brought to the table . Most parents and kids confuse this with negotiation. Negotiation is about putting ' solutions ' on the table and this leads to bartering and a dueling of solutions. Most people presents their concerns as solutions . Plan B is more about revealing concerns and perspectives , defining the problem and only then looking for a mutually satisfying solution. Imho the brilliance of the model is that it teaches kids and care givers to distinguish between ' concerns' and solutions' and thus facilitate collaborative problem solving. The process is ' solution' oreintated but we need to look at concerns first and this opens up the possibility of finding not only one , but various alternate solutions.

There are plenty of resources for both parents , teachers, clinicians and other care givers. I recommend 2 web sites thinkkids and Collaborative Problem Solving . There is plenty of information including video clips showing the Plan B in action and podcasts. If you decide to buy the CPS books - The explosive child - Ross Greene , Treating Explosive children- Greene and Ablon , and Lost at School - Ross Greene , please try and get the latest editions as the model is being continuously updated.

I hope to share more insights on the blog. I welcome feedback and questions . This is how parents learn.

Allan