The Language of Parenting

It is possible to distinguish parenting styles by the language used. 

Do we talk about rules , limits and boundaries , compliance or the needs of children ,expectations and guidelines, collaborative problem solving or consequences, rewards or intrinsic motivation, understandings, perspectives and concerns or adult – child contracts.

 The differences can be summarized as a ' working with ' approach or a ' doing to ' approach, placing the locus of control on the kid or on the adult. Are we interested in compliance or meeting the needs of our kids ?

Parents of troublesome teens and especially those who are returning from a stay in a residential or therapeutic treatment center are encouraged   to make a behavior contract with their kids . These contracts  state very clearly house rules and the consequences /punishments to be imposed when these rules are broken. The message given to kids is that this is my home and if you want to stay here, you need to keep to the rules. The approach does offer kids a clear picture of parent will and a certain predictability of what will happen, however it is flawed .

Kids concerns are not voiced but ignored and even parents' concerns, their  underlying concerns behind the rules are not shared. Kids just hear a rule and not the concern and value underlying the rule.  Rules are essentially solutions to problems or concerns. If discussion does take place, the family is creating a  contract which is more suitable for an economic relationships  , like one  between a boss and employee. Discussion  usually is in the form of negotiating the rules, rather than each party explaining their concerns   and giving their perspectives.  

If a rule is broken , the inevitable response is a consequence or a punishment. When we talk about expectations not being met , our response is not to impose a consequence or ask how can we motivate the kid but to ask what is getting in the kid's way  and how can I help.

Rewards and consequences give the message that we don't trust the kid to do well and make a contribution without the threat of a consequence or a bribe. Relationships are based on understandings , sharing concerns and perspectives and then collaborative problem solving.  Consequences undermine relationships , and instead of dealing with a problem , create  new problems and issue s– the imposition of the consequences and all that surrounds them.

A  'working with'  relationship as opposed to a 'doing to ' relationship  places the locus of control on the child . The limits and boundaries are intrinsic to the child and are an expression of his values and personality.

'' The question - Thomas Gordon , the author of P.E.T – Parent Effectiveness Training says is not whether limits and boundaries are necessary but the question is who sets them ? Is it parents unilaterally imposing limits on their children or are parents and kids working together to figure out what makes sense?



The question then becomes what kinds of limits and boundaries are we talking about - how specific or behavioral should they be as opposed to broadly conceived guidelines that can inform a lot of our activities - a limit on not hurting other people , addressing the needs of others etc 



Don't we want kids to derive limits and guidelines on how to act from the situation itself and what other people need ? If so, then our coming up with limits, and especially specific behavioral limits and imposing them on kids makes it less likely that kids will become moral people who say that the situation decrees a kind of a boundary for appropriate ways to act and I will be guided by that my whole life , not just internalized but it's about what's between me and the other I come across.



An example would be the different thinking a kid would have when faced with a bowl of cookies and would love to eat all of them because ' I am hungry and I love cookies '. When the parent imposes a limit – ' You can take only one cookie ' = I cannot take more because mom said I can have only one or else , or where the kid thinks ,' I would love to eat all the cookies but there are others kids around too and they are also hungry so I will make sure that everyone has cookies too.' When parents say ' you must share because I said so' and follow up with a patronizing pat on the head ' good sharing ', the wrong message gets internalized. I am sharing because mom says so and because I will get a verbal reward for sharing. ''    Alfie Kohn  interview 

Attachment parenting - Tip to create insecure attachments

Whenever I come across a book or article on parenting I like to see  how the following issues are handled.

A)     how boundaries and limits are introduced into the family – a top-down approach with the parent unilaterally setting the boundaries or one where the parents and kids collaborate and ' work with each other

B)    How parents deal with inappropriate behavior  - ' doing to ' the kid using consequences, time out , enforcing parental will or  ' working with ' the kid using CPS – collaborative problem solving

C)    Motivation -  using extrinsic motivators like reward, punishments, stickers, awards etc to motivate kids or help kids to motivate themselves and find what they do intrinsically motivating or further important goals  ,by supporting their autonomy , competence , relatedness

In an article The top 10 list to create healthy kids

 Carin Goldstein talks about the importance of secure attachments between child and adult.

If Securely attached –  kids are emotionally available, perceptive, responsive and autonomous.

Here are some of the tips.

1)   You and your partner are the ultimate example to your child of how two adults connect/communicate/bond
 , 3) The power of repair , 2) Give your child respect 

It is clear that a relationship where the parties are given a voice , that we all  can make mistakes and we are there to help each other repair and make amends with a better plan , that problems can be solved in a collaborative problem solving way is a respectful way in engaging with spouses and children. 


The alternative – using ' sanctions' , consequences , time –out is clearly not being respectful and does not foster secure attachments. 


 Gordon Neufeld in his book on attachment parenting ' How to hold on to your kids  writes that time-out and consequences make attachments insecure as the relationship is used as tool to manipulate behavior. Relationship and attachment is made conditional and contingent on good behavior.

But Carin Goldstein tells us to use time-out  and consequences to get control.

10) Set healthy boundaries and limits for your child – Boundaries and limits are fundamental for children in order for their world to feel safe and secure. As much as your child may (literally) kick and scream about a consequence, a time out or not wanting to keep a consistent bedtime, it is vital to your child’s well being that you, the parent, be consistent within the boundary frame which you set for them. Acting in control when your child is out of control, helps your child learn how to regulate their own emotional experience as they develop and grow.

I have written on the importance of limits and boundaries to give life structure  and predictability. 




limits - kids moral development

limits - do kids really want them?


structure - the way to freedom and autonomy


The question is not whether we have limits or boundaries but how do we set them , alone or together with kids. Do we impose our limits or boundaries to do we help kids use our general guidelines to help themselves create their own limits and boundaries as each different situation dictates. Boundaries and limits can be used to support kid's autonomy or can be used to justify more control , consequences and punishments.


 Using power and control to force a limit ignoring a kid's feelings and concerns , does not help a kid to regulate their own emotional experience . It teaches them that their needs and feelings are unimportant and in order to cope they must disown them.

The article is more about disinformation , distorting the principles of attachment parenting.

Carin Goldstein ends the article ' As much as your child comes into the world with his or her own "blueprint"/temperament, so much of his or her success in the world and in their future interpersonal relationships is largely dependent on their intimate relationship with you.' 

I ask Carin Goldstein -  what type of relationship do you have with  a kid if you can't talk with him and work with him to solve problems , would you consequence your husband if he acted not appropriately or would you sit down and try to collaborate and problem solve ?

Allan

Limit setting - 1 kids' moral development

Setting limits and boundaries is an important part of parenting . However the way we set limits can impact on the moral development of children and set off challenging behavior and the resistance of kids with difficulties.




In this post I share Alfie Kohn's insights on setting limits and the moral development of children.



In other posts I hope to share

1 how CPS collaborative problem solving = Plan B is effective at limit setting

2 how the traditional perspective of children – that they are born to test limits , feel secure because of the limits are myths, and are used to justify more limits and punishment

3 Limit setting should not be used to restrict kids but rather create structure that offers them more freedom.




' The question - Thomas Gordon , the author of P.E.T – Parent Effectiveness Training says is not whether limits and boundaries are necessary but the question is who sets them ? Is it parents unilaterally imposing limits on their children or are parents and kids working together to figure out what makes sense.?



The question then becomes what kinds of limits and boundaries are we talking about - how specific or behavioral should they be as opposed to broadly conceived guidelines that can inform a lot of our activities - a limit on not hurting other people , addressing the needs of others etc



Don't we want kids to derive limits and guidelines on how to act from the situation itself and what other people need ? If so, then our coming up with limits, and especially specific behavioral limits and imposing them on kids makes it less likely that kids will become moral people who say that the situation decrees a kind of a boundary for appropriate ways to act and I will be guided by that my whole life , not just internalized but it's about what's between me and the other I come across.



An example would be the different thinking a kid would have when faced with a bowl of cookies and would love to eat all of them because ' I am hungry and I love cookies '. When the parent imposes a limit – ' You can take only one cookie ' = I cannot take more because mom said I can have only one or else , or where the kid thinks ,' I would love to eat all the cookies but there are others kids around too and they are also hungry so I will make sure that everyone has cookies too.' When parents say ' you must share because I said so' and follow up with a patronizing pat on the head ' good sharing ', the wrong message gets internalized. I am sharing because mom says so and because I will get a verbal reward for sharing. ' AK interview

When we use consequences to reinforce our limits and moral behavior we end up promoting self interest at the expense of others.  The following incident that took place on the school playground proves the point well.  A teacher saw a kid kick a football which  hit a fellow teacher who then fell from the force of the ball and got injured. The kid ran off. When the other teacher confronted the kid about his moral responsibility to go and help the teacher – the kid responded that he ran away so that he would not be caught and be punished.  In a situation where there are no consequences or a discipline code , the kid would be careful not to hurt others , not because of what might be done to him= consequences  , but how his actions have consequences on others. And if he by mistake did injure the teacher , he would in an autonomous manner engage in the moral act of restitution and go and help the teacher and offer an apology

'So when we want to focus on our children's moral development we have to recast the ideas discussed in most parenting books that boundaries and limits are thought of as restrictions that adults impose on children. But shouldn't our goal be for children to refrain from doing certain things because they are wrong? The limits on kid's behavior , in other words , should be experienced as intrinsic to the situation. We want them to ask ' How will doing X make the other kid feel? ' and not- 'Am I allowed to do X ' or Will I get in trouble for doing X' - Unconditional Parenting