Chores - a Self Determination theory SDT and CPS approach

Kids are more likely to contribute to the home and do their chores when they can identify with the goals of their parents and have their needs for autonomy - see chores and autonomy support , competence and relatedness met ( Self Determination Theory ) while engaging in chores. Chores present us with many opportunities to support kids autonomy , their skills and competence , and most important a time when parents and kids can connect and spend time together. So many good conversations can take place while kids and parents are doing things together.

 It is important to always have in the back in our minds our Parenting goals  when we deal with chores and contributing around the home.

1 Discuss the benefits of an organized home with the kids. The idea is to elicit ideas and responses from them with dialog questions rather than lecturing or telling them.  We should try to 'transcend' interactions with kids and go beyond instructions or giving kids a list of chores - The kitchen can be a classroom .We should turn it into a learning experience and the acquisition of skills and more important , a time to connect and spend time with your kid.  Browse the internet. This shows kids that organizing a home is a  ' science ', something serious which requires learning. We can expose them to some of the ideas of Feng Shui  and the important concept of ' de-cluttering ' your home,  so the taking out the trash takes on a different meaning.

http://www.allaboutlivingwithlife.com/2009/03/organized-home-5-benefits.html

When kids identify with your  goals and benefits of an organized home , they will be more motivated to contribute to the home.

2 Talk in the plural  - our home , what we need to do . Kids need to see themselves as individuals but part of a family, class, school or community. We want to foster autonomy and interdependence and  RELATEDNESS

3 COMPETENCE -  check   Sarah  Ward on Executive functions  http://www.abspedpac.org/Documents/Sarah_Ward_execfuncpres.pdf

A lot of kids have problems with planning ,  how to perform  the task and monitor  their progress.

We can collaborate with kids and let them visualize the future, and make a plan. It helps to break  down the plan into its parts,  and then we need to organize ourselves  so we can achieve our goals , monitor how we are doing and evaluate our progress.  We can use Schemas or flow charts  -  that show the time , sequence, space , materials and people related to the plan. We can put these schemas or posters on the walls as prompts and reminders.

We should do this with all tasks in the home.

4 Getting started and transitioning -  competence

Having a daily routine and schedule gives a certain predictability to the day and helps kids to transition.    It is important that the kids themselves participate in making the lists.

Getting started is often a big problem.  Parents may need to help kids get started by working with them on the task. Working with someone on a task helps kids inertia and they benefit from the attention they receive from parents or connection with others. Parents can demonstrate how the job can be done and share they experience.

  

5 Review and monitoring progress

There should be an agreement made in advance that kids and parents will review the situation together and do some collaborative problem solving to solve any problems.

6 Because chores are rarely intrinsically motivating we need to associate them with other goals.

a)      In some cultures the home is made tidy in order to honor a festival or the Sabbath

b)      Guests and friends are honored by entertaining them in a tidy and pleasant home. If we want tidy homes  have friends of your kids come for visits or sleepovers.

c)       A tidy home is a mirror of the people who live in it.

7  Modeling -   We need to model  behavior and attitude for our children when we engage in chores. Our homes should be de-cluttered and organized , the same items stored in one place , labels abound and space is used well.  We need to do things with energy joy , song and dance so the kids can't not join in and have fun.

8 Association of fun – We can give  Chores an association with fun if we play some good music and have some goods snacks  and drink on the table .There are plenty of cleaning up and fun games that make chores more fun. When we and our kids enjoy ourselves , we not only connect with each other – relatedness  but also to our inner cores and perceive our  autonomy and self direction.

9 CPS – collaborating to solve problems

a)      Empathy stage -  out of the moment :  I have noticed …. What's up?  - get kid's concerns on the table , go slow , let him feel understood

b)      Define the problem – put your concerns on the table

c)       Invitation -  I am wondering if we can find a way  to address both concerns and brainstorm a mutually satisfying solution

d)      Agree to review how the plan is working.

Allan

Chores and kids autonomy

Parents should keep in mind their Parenting goals , especially the long term ones when dealing with ' chores'

When kids act in an autonomous way , they feel self directed , connected to their inner beings and values and feel related and interdependent . The need for independence as opposed to interdependence is often extrinsic , caused by parents being controlling and kids resisting compliance.

Parents who support their children's autonomy will foster relationship, trust, intrinsic motivation and commitment to the home and the quality of their contribution. If we treat our kids like the neighbour's 25 year old kid or a friend , our language will be more respectful and not controlling.

Parents who accept ownership of their home have the attitude that upkeep of the home is their responsibility and do not force kids to do chores but rather promote cooperation in an unconditional way are liberated emotionally when kids leave a mess or are not cooperative and more intrinsically motivated to do housework.  Thoughts like …  he should be helping , he should not leave a mess make one more controlling and angry which hamper being calm and creative in getting kids cooperation. If a tidy home is your responsibility , then if you want help, you can ask. Then we treat it as help and not ' conscripted '  labour.

Parents who accept kids for who they are, appreciate that kids' attitudes to chores and tidiness depends a lot on personality traits and developmental stage will not be controlling. Some kids are ' late starters ' . Supporting a kids autonomy will help them create a positive attitude to chores .

Parents should help kids generate their own goals and how they would like their room and home to look like as well as appreciating their parents goals.

Kids should be able to generate and choose  tasks they find more enjoyable . Parents should also provide choices and options. They should try to see things from their kids' perspectives, and respect the way they would like to do things.  The home is not a work place and your kid is not your worker. You can tell your worker how to do things. If we have a problem afterwards , we can make suggestions on how to improve things. 

Children should have ' their own space' over which they have more say. If kids share rooms , they would need to problem solve and find a mutually satisfying solution. If their standards bother us , we could try some  CPS . One solution could be us asking if they would not mind us cleaning the room. We must realize that the cleaning is for us , not for them and we shouldn't expect them to appreciate it.

Everything should be ' discussable ' , even those tasks which might be a ' must'. Kids should be encouraged to ask questions, express their feelings, be open, and parents should answer questions fully , carefully and in a relaxed way so they kid feels understood and that the parent cares for him. Parents should  express confidence in the ability of the kid to do his job well and leaves things up to him.

Problems should be solved in a collaborative way , addressing the kid's concerns, their needs for autonomy , our concerns and then  looking for mutually satisfying solutions and certainly not making 'fun' contingent on doing chores.

If we have been coercing kids for years and forcing them to do chores , our change in attitude is unlikely to be magical . They could still see this as a new way to get them to do chores. When they see change is more about changing ourselves , they will change to.

Allan

Parenting Goals and chores

I am looking at ' chores' from a Self determination theory – SDT and Collaborative problem solving - CPS perspectives. Kids are more likely to identify with our goals and values with respect to chores or even find some of them ' intrinsically motivating '  if their needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness are supported and problems are solved in a collaborative way.

The first step is to examine our   Parenting Goals.

Before we try to engage our kids in helping around the home , we first need to ask ourselves -  what are my  primary and long term goals for my kids and how will my approach to chores impact on these goals.

 If not, and especially when it comes to chores  -

 ' We may be tempted to focus our energies on overcoming children’s resistance to our requests and getting them to do what we tell them. If we’re not careful, this can become our primary goal. We may find ourselves joining all those people around us who prize docility in children and value short-term obedience above all. I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A “good” child–from infancy to adolescence–is one who isn’t too much trouble to us grown-ups. '   -  Alfie Kohn

 If our goals are to build a trusting and caring relationship with our kids , helping them to become  intrinsically motivated ,autonomous, competent , responsible and caring people we need first to find another more successful word for helping around the home other  than ' chores'. 

When our goal is simply ' compliance ' , chores describes the reality in the home , an economic or contractual relationship between parents and kids , where kids are taught  - you need to give in order to get ,  kids are rewarded for doing chores , and  chores are tired to allowance money or privileges . No worthwhile attempt can be made to promote or enhance a commitment to the value of family, interdependence and group goals, supporting one another, how a clean, tidy and aesthetic home can contribute to the family and its members. When kids are threatened or bribed they are taught that they cannot be trusted to help or chores have no intrinsic value on their own.  Parents in fact have thus converted the ' social norm ' of making a contribution to the home into an economic norm , something which is valued only in monetary terms and changes a social relationship –  kindness and caring into a contractual relationship.  The kid  learns to ask ' what will I get if I do ……, what will be done to me if I don't   ….,  what's in it for me '? . Doing chores may become a habit done in a rote mechanical  way , something that kids would rather not do but are forced to do by parents or at best an internal compulsion  motivates them. Instead we want kids to reflect on how their actions impact on others, to reflect on the type of person they want to be and the values they want to live by. As parents we can pursue our expectations by ' working with kids', supporting their autonomy and solving problems in a collaborative way.

Allan