Why French parents are superior - Mindful eating and SDT- self determination theory

Pamela Druckerman , the author of ' Why French Parents are superior',

says that unlike American parents who insist on their kids ' finishing' their food and 'cleaning their plates ' before they get desert , French parents tell their kids – you don't have to finish your food , you just have to taste everything.

American parents are concerned with the results- the product whereas French parents focus on the ' process' of eating and the culture around food. The French menu has lots of variety and this promotes ' tasting' rather than filling yourself up. Why does this resonate with me ?  The reason is that ' tasting ' food is the basis of ' mindful eating.'

It is hard to think of one experiencing ' self determination ' – endorsing one's actions at the highest levels of reflection when we are involved with food and eating. Eating is often a reflexive experience where one is not aware of what one is eating, just being an ' object ' who is being filled with food and who will stop eating when one  cannot eat any more.

 Parents and kids may have healthy eating goals and are able to express their 'autonomy 'and 'relatedness ' by participating in family decisions concerning what is served for meals. Kids who are not given some control over their eating are likely to suffer from obesity. 

Childhood obesity and SDT

But we need to ask if ' eating' for them is something intrinsically valuable beyond meeting the basic animal needs of survival or not.

People behave like objects when they merely react to the external stimuli that food provides. How does focusing on ' tasting' make people 'subjects ' rather than objects. ?

By being mindful about eating, we are being subjects , eating slowly, being  very aware of the present, attentive to how the food looks, smells, tastes, feels – texture and sounds. It is about being ' reflective ' rather than 'reflexive.'

Here are 2 links to the classic mindful-eating practice '  eating a raisin made famous by Jon Kabat-Zinn in his mindfulness-based stress reduction program.

 Mindfullness raisin exercise

You tube Mindfulness raisin exercise

Mindful eating promotes good health. People are often ' mindless' about food and are multitasking while eating. This creates a mind-body disconnect so that critical brain signals that regulate food intake may not be received by the brain and instead the brain continues to send out additional signals of hunger , increasing the risk of overeating.

So during the meal , we should not hold conversations while eating but engage in ' mindful eating' and then stop eating and be attentive to the conversation and other people at the table.

According to my religious tradition the ' taste of food ' , is its spirituality. The snake in the biblical story of Adam and Eve was the symbol of materialism and natural drives used in a negative way. The snake was cursed that he would have to eat dust – something that lacks taste.

Family meals promote ' relatedness' among family members and are very empowering for kids development. Mindful eating can help us transcend beyond addressing the basic animals needs of hunger and make eating an experience which is intrinsically valuable.

Praising kids - Alfie Kohn, Carol Dweck , Social Conservatives

In recent years the self esteem movement has come under fire especially in relation to verbal rewards – ' Praise'. Alfie Kohn has just written a summary of his approach to praise and how it differs from both that of social conservatives and Carol Dweck.

Alfie Kohn , Carol Dweck, Social Consevatives - Praise

He takes issue with the idea that one should praise ' effort ' rather than ability . Carol Dweck showed how helping kids to acquire a growth mindset,  - that by making an effort we can succeed - rather than praising their ability, we can help them be successful.

'Praising kids' efforts may be counterproductive as it may signal that they have to try very hard because they are not very good at what they are doing. It may communicate that they are not really capable and therefore unlikely to succeed at future tasks. For this reason others have suggested praising ' ability' which is supposed to enhance one's feeling of competence. This is also problematic. As Carol Dweck has shown ,that when kids attribute success or failure to something that is outside their control, such as a ' fixed' level of ability,  they are discouraged from taking responsibility for working to improve their performance. It may be most sensible to avoid casting praise as a comment on either effort or ability.' -AK

What should we do instead of praise. ? To answer this we must revisit our parenting goals. We want our kids to be self directed and act in an autonomous way, self assess and evaluate the impact they have on others and the environment, find meaning and enjoyment in what they are doing, focus more on the process and less on achievement, focus on their feelings – the intrinsic reward rather than achievement and pleasing others. We also want them to be supportive of others and not to manipulate them with praise to get what they want or show approval to others who jump through their hoops.

The way to go is to use ' declarative language '  just describing what we saw and then pausing. This gives the kid time to reflect on what you have noticed and  also experience some inner pride or other feelings for eg.  satisfaction. We can then ask open ended questions – how did you feel about what you did ?  what were you thinking about when you drew the dog? What made you decide to end the essay that way ?

'These comments and questions help a kid focus his attention on his feelings and thoughts rather than on his accomplishments. He is talking about what he did and self assessing. By emphasizing the process rather than the product, the kid will realize that it's the trying that counts.'  Myrna Shure 

By focusing more on achievement parents put a full stop on life, when we focus on the process we focus on life and the new challenges it presents us. 

Goldie Hawn - Parenting and mindfulness

The film actress and ' Celeb'   Goldie Hawn has written a parenting book – 

 10 Mindful minutes - Goldie Hawn

 Most parenting books focus on parents' needs – how to get back control,   how to get your child to do what you want without you ever asking them , how to set limits and boundaries, 6 easy steps to deal with defiance etc.

Very few books help parents meet the developmental needs of kids – how to help them become more empathic , have more self control and be able to set their own limits and boundaries , regulate their emotions, articulate their concerns, take perspectives , be mindful of what you are doing and aware of others etc

Mindfulness helps kids reduce stress levels and  anxiety. They learn to calm themselves  down by connecting to their inner selves and can also  ' soothe ' themselves to sleep so that they get quality sleep. The traditional approach to kids with ADHD is to give them medication. The obvious question is – why not simply teach kids how to pay attention , focus and be aware. They then become more intrinsically motivated by being more focused on the present , on the process rather than just on the end product. They become more attentive to others, more empathic and compassionate.

Goldie Hawn also teaches kids to be aware how their brain works and be aware of their thinking – what part of the brain is driving the thinking – the prefrontal cortex or the amygdala.  

The Hawn foundation Mindup program you tube

http://tiny.cc/ql7ev   -  Mindfulness for children 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWVkEVirYUg   - mindfulness for children you tube 

Collaborative problem solving - Drilling down by ' tabling'

One of the biggest challenges of collaborative problem solving – Plan B is to gather information from the child so we have a clear picture of his concerns. Kids have difficulty in articulating their concerns. Often they don't know, have not given it much thought or don't have the words to express their concerns. We need to use probing questions and drill down to their concerns. Kids have usually more than one concern and their major concerns usually surface well into the conversation.

Sales people -  not those who try to pressure one into buying something - do the same thing. Selling by attraction, means that the sales person helps the customer identify his needs and concerns and then shows how the product can meet those needs and concerns. Along the way , there are usually  'objections' such as price. The way to deal with ' objections ' is called tabling. You take the objection – the price is too high and ask '  if we found a solution that made the price acceptable to you, not a problem , would you be comfortable in buying the product ?  If the answer is No , we carry on drilling down for concerns.

Here is a great example of tabling used by a school psychologist Dr Rebecca Branstetter to drill down concerns of a student.

' I have totally changed the way I consult about and frame discussions about kids with challenging behaviors. I have changed the way I interact with students. Here’s just one example of a technique that I got from the conference, called “tabling.” It is used in the Plan B “Empathy” step, to really try to understand the student’s perspective of the unsolved problem. In the case of my student, it was a middle school girl who refused to write during journal time. We had set up a behavior plan in which she got points for doing the journal and the points were tallied and sent home to parents, etc etc, and there was no change in her behavior. After the conference and my new framework for understanding the problem, I  interviewed her.

Me: I notice that during journal time, you are not writing.

What’s up? I’m not mad, I’m just noticing this. 

Girl: I don't know

Me: Hm. What do you think is the reason if you had to guess?

Girl: I don't have pencils.

Me: Great! So lets say your teacher went to Office Depot and got you tons of pencils. Then would you write during journal time?

[note: here is the “tabling” part—you table their first reason, because its usually not the only thing going on] 

Girl: No. 

Me: What else is getting in your way of writing? 

Girl: It’s too noisy because my friends distract me. 

Me: Okay, what else is keeping you from writing? 

Girl: I don’t like it [okay, this went on and on for about 10 minutes, and we tabled other ideas too, like she doesn’t like writing fiction, she doesn’t have paper, the room is too hot…and so on and so on. We finally got to the “aha!” moment at the end] 

Me: Okay, so lets say you had pencils and paper, all your friends have the flu, you get to write non-fiction, and the room is 68 degrees, then would you write at journal time? 

Girl: No, because the teacher has us read what we wrote out loud and my heart starts to beat fast and I think everyone is looking at me and that they all are thinking I’m a bad writer. 

AHA. So if we had continued down our current theory that she had a lack of motivation, she would have likely continued to balk at writing, because it wasn’t a motivation issue at all. It was a performance anxiety issue, and the lagging skill was her actual writing skills, or she wasn’t confident in her writing skills, or she was not able to regulate her anxiety about presenting her work. This changes the intervention, right? We teach writing skills and coping skills for anxiety. '

The intervention would be find a mutually satisfying solution that would address both the teacher and kid's concerns and also giving her more resources so to improve her writing skills and deal with anxiety.

What would have happened if behavior plan would have worked and the kid despite her anxiety and lack of confidence managed to pull herself together and write during journal time.?

We are still left with an unsolved problem. The unsolved problem is the anxiety and lack of confidence. The unsolved problem is not the ' behavior '.  Plan A  or behavioral plans deal with behavior with rewards,praise, consequences  , hijack the problem , but don't deal with the underlying problem. 

We also have not solved the motivational problem. As educators , we should be trying to help kids be intrinsically motivated and enjoy ' journal writing '.  Extrinsic motivators may get short –term behavior but undermine intrinsic motivation in the long term with kids losing interest in what they are doing.

According to the Self Determination theory of motivation -  when kids needs for autonomy , competence and relatedness are being addressed and met , the stage is set for kids becoming more intrinsically motivated.

Collaborative problem solving addresses the problems- not behaviors- that are getting in the way of kids in a supportive way  -  and thereby addressing the motivational issue.

 We need to remember    - Even if the motivators get rid of the behavior and the student manages to pull himself together and perform , it is usually despite an existing problem. The problem or unmet concerns are still not being met. This of course has a negative impact on intrinsic motivation. Not only because extrinsic motivators undermine intrinsic motivation,  but also underlying problems are not being solved

check the archives for posts on drilling down 

In the Bathroom - brushing teeth - cleaning up your mess

This blog is a response to http://thinkkids.org/mythinkkids/messages.aspx?TopicID=239

When it comes to dental care I think even adults who are more likely to  value the importance of dental hygiene don't do too well - maybe brush teeth once a day, no flossing, not making appointments –dentists, cleanings  etc

It is about missing skills, competence, transitioning from an activity in order to brush teeth, keeping a routine

When I drill down for concerns , I ask , if the concern stated would be addressed by …  or if the problem did not exist - do you feel that brushing your teeth everyday would no longer be a problem  If still a problem , we have a new concern on the table. If the solutions are not working – we can do Plan B on the problem -  brushing your teeth is not important for you , what's up ?  can you tell me more ?

- when I remind you etc to go and brush your teeth , you say – not now , in a few moments etc and then you don't get  around to brushing your teeth what's up ?  If a kid says he doesn't want to talk about it , a Plan B conversation will be -  I have noticed when I want to talk to you about brushing teeth , you don't want to talk about it , what's up ?

It also helps if the issue of brushing teeth is initiated or confronted by the kid's dentist if possible using cps. Lots of thought is needed to help a kid become competent -  maybe  doing things together, poster reminders etc .

When kids learn about dental hygiene in depth and learn to identify with the value of brushing and more committed to prevention, and also learn methods to help them stick to a routine and brush well = competence and feel supported in their efforts the tooth brushing no longer remains the parent's concern

We can also try to give brushing an association of fun , something that holds true for all activities in the home.

http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.com/2011/06/chores-associate-with-fun-and-time-with.html

I am not an advocate of using rewards or extrinsic motivation to get a kid to brush teeth , as it only works for the short term.  But we reframe things and ask the kid if he needed some type of motivators to help him meet his goal of brushing his teeth. Here the reward is self determined and used to help the kid meet his goal , rather than the parent bribing the kid.

When it comes to not leaving the bathroom in a mess , I have different thoughts. Some kids are messy, part of their personalities, usually we see a change when they mature , later teenage years. The home is my responsibility, I want it clean , and it is less trouble and quicker to clean up myself .

The other approach –in addition to cps like my suggestions on teeth brushing is to learn about the subject of running and keeping a house organized , getting rid of clutter, using signs , posters, explain the procedures of how to organize a room , how to go about tidying up , throwing out things.

http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.com/2011/06/kids-are-more-likely-to-contribute-to.html

The social Navigator and Collaborative problem solving

The social navigator is a gadget designed by a special needs mom and professional  Lorraine Millan to help kids develop the many lagging cognitive skills and solve problems in a flexible and adaptive way. 

The underlying philosophy behind the social navigator fits in well with  The Collaborative problem solving approach  - 'Children do well if they can '  and not' Children do well if they want to '. This means problems need to be solved not by using consequences, rewards and punishments, but in a way that teaches the lagging skills and addresses the child's concerns in the context of problems.

Traditional top-down strategies of teaching kids problem solving and social skills fail to help kids generalize their skills to real life situations. Kids' concerns, the key to problem solving are ignored. The social navigator focuses on the kid's concerns – helps kids to identify concerns and articulate them.

The social navigator – from the S.N web page  -

 The Social Navigator  Reduces Reflexive Negativity and Agitation

So many children with social and emotional issues have been corrected so many times, that they become highly reactive to any redirection.

It could be that ' correction' ,  and problem solving is being done ' in the moment '  when kids are already frustrated and agitated , so  correction makes things worse . 

When a kid uses the gadget his ' autonomy ' is being respected since there is not another person telling him what to do.

CPS – collaborative problem solving can be a little negative for kids in the beginning as no one likes to reminded that they have problems  ,the connation  being  'you are a  the problem'. 

Once kids begin to trust the process, see their interests being served, their problems solved, and relationships improved -  CPS loses this negativity. Kids should be taught that ' mistakes are our friends ' and problems are windows of opportunity.

There is a downside or a challenge to using the Social navigator. Parents and teachers and other care givers should be using them if they don't have CPS skills. The gadget cannot replace the role of the adults in CPS and their contribution to interactions with kids. Relationships are also reciprocal and dependent on compatibility. CPS is not so much finding your solution, but finding solutions that are mutually satisfactory. A gadget seems more valuable when solving a problem on your own. A parent or teacher acting as surrogate frontal lobe can do a better job that a gadget in directing a kid's thinking. We want parents to improve their CPS skills , responsiveness and compatibility with their kids.

The other challenge is that we want the kid in time to get a thrill in solving problems without the gadget and use it less and less.

Read about the social navigator below and see CPS approach behind the gadget.

http://www.socialnavigatorapp.com/about.htm

http://www.socialnavigatorapp.com/behind.htm

Allan

Temper Tantrums - a CPS/SDT collaborative problem solving and Self Determination theory perspective

Behaviorists view temper tantrums as ' manipulative ' behaviors by kids to get attention, get what they want and avoid demands placed upon them. They have learned that this  behavior works for them. 

Don't we all try to get attention, get what we want and try to avoid doing things we don't like ? Don't kids have legitimate needs ,  a need for autonomy and other concerns ?  Should we not try to see their world through their  eyes and acknowledge their frustration as genuine rather than calling it manipulative?  Why call having a tantrum in a mall because mom won't buy you a toy as just trying  to push buttons and get mom to give in rather than kid  being frustrated and falling apart.

Parents are advised to distinguish between tantrums caused by frustration in doing a task or difficulty in verbalizing stress , in which case kids need support- and the manipulative tantrums which are attention seeking, task avoidance and getting what you want. The latter would demand interventions - consequences like time-outs, grounding kids, loss of privileges etc . Being supportive and giving ' relationship' would be considered as rewarding ' bad behavior ' -  kids get relationship by acting badly.

These techniques may be effective in getting ' behavior ', but come at a cost of commitment to the underlying values and strain trust and  relationship with the parent. Relationship   is made conditional and used against kids to leverage good behavior. Kids usually abandon the idea that their parents will ever understand them, and offer support.

The CPS/SDT  - collaborative problem solving / self determination  theory view is that parents must focus on meeting their kids' needs ( not wants). Kids who exhibit tantrums have unmet needs and concerns -  autonomy, competence and relatedness. Kids exhibit high levels of emotional intensity- anger / frustration, driven by the fight/flight hormones, overwhelmed by stimuli, explode and have their meltdowns. People and kids don't decide to be manipulative and throw a tantrum to get you something.You need to have your buttons pushed and feel incredibly frustrated, angry and helpless. Even if parents do give in , which is very different from meeting their needs , kids are not going to learn to throw a fit , because throwing a fit pays.

Tantrums are ' symptoms of underlying problems. Behaviorists focus on the symptom, CPS/SDT focus on the whole child and the underlying conditions/problems giving rise to the tantrums.

There will be times where kids do things that are absolutely unacceptable and parents must thwart their intentions and compromise their autonomy. If we try to ensure that our interventions are not experienced as punishment and the relationship is not damaged we are in a good position to deal with the underlying issues and problem solve when the kid is calm.

The best way to deal with ' temper tantrums' is to avoid them  ' out of the moment ' by working on ' unsolved problems ' which reliably and predictably cause kids to look bad and fall apart. Finding realistic and durable solutions is not easy but one can permanently solve the actual problem. In addition to solving problems, using the  CPS process kids acquire many cognitive skills. If we can teach kids to ' think straight ' and problem solve they won't have to deal with frustration in the first place.

 Here we support the kid's autonomy in that he participates in finding mutually satisfying solutions, and his concerns are being addressed. We support his need for competence by solving actual problems and teaching skills and finally most important support the need for relatedness – being understood, experiencing support and  trust.

Helping kids to deal with frustration is in a way dealing with the symptom, rather than solving the problem causing the behavior. However in the moment , if we are good at observing our kids and picking up on their cues ,  we can help them monitor their emotions, the cues the body offers, recognize and name the frustration, disappointment, fear or sadness before it escalates to fury. We can  help them calm down, take a break, get some 'space ' exercise – repetitive physical motion ( we can talk how the exercise effects our bodies ),  breathing , meditation , go to their ' comfort corners' and chill down. We can validate feelings or more important needs and offer alternatives and choices in which they can experience autonomy and compensate for the loss of autonomy they have just experienced.

The you tube –  The Anatomy of a Tantrum

describes the 3 phases of a tantrum.  The tantrum begins with 

   1   yelling and screaming expresses lots of anger and frustration

   2 physical actions like throwing or pushing furniture

   3 crying , whining, whimpering

It is not a good idea to try and talk to kids during a tantrum or ignore them , but be there and give them some space. If we imagine how this looks from a kids point of view , there is a good chance that the kid is likely afraid of the own rage and terrified of being out of control, so better not to ignore them or to punish. Touching , or holding kids escalates things so we should try to use physical contact to a minimum to ensure safety.

Part of the tantrum is a result of kids having their autonomy thwarted. I see the physical actions as an attempt to experience some autonomy. It may appear to be pretty provocative. Parents should be careful not to fall into the trap and respond to these ' provocations' and let the tantrum play itself out.

The only intervention I have seen to work in the middle of a tantrum is the kid smelling a fragrance – that seems to reset the brain and produce dopamine that makes a person feel good .

 tantrum911 - how it works

After the tantrum is over , kids will seek to reclaim some dignity and sense of autonomy and potency. They will ask or try to be more autonomous. We can try to compensate their loss of autonomy and sense of self determination in one area by giving them more autonomy in another area. Alfie Kohn calls this ' compensatory autonomy support'.